第一篇：幽默短文
幽默短文又连贴了（哈哈）
Mr and Mrs Smith married thirty years ago........2001-08-24(408 reads)[1 comment]
Mr and Mrs Smith married thirty years ago, and they have lived in the same house since then.Mr Smith goes to work at eight 0'clock every morning, and he gets home at half past seven every evening, from Monday to Friday.There are quite a lot of houses in their street, and most of the neighbours are nice.But the old lady in the house opposite Mr and Mrs Smith died, and after a few weeks a young man and woman came to live in it.Mrs Smith watched them for a few days from her window and then she said to her husband, 'Bill, the.man in that house opposite always kisses his wife when he leaves in the morning and he kisses her again when he comes home in the evening.Why don't you do that too?'
'Well,' Mr Smith answered, 'I don't know her very well yet.'
回复： 幽默短文又连贴了（哈哈）
There were men soldiers and women......2001-08-24(390 reads)[No comment]
There were men soldiers and women soldiers in an army camp, and every Sunday morning they all went to church, but a lot of the soldiers did not like it much.There was a choir of men soldiers, and Captain Jones was trying to find women soldiers to sing in it too, but none of the ones in the camp offered to do this.Then one day Captain Jones saw a new girl soldier.She was a tall, very beautiful girl.Captain Jones went to her and said, 'Will you come and sing in the choir at our church, please?'
The girl was very surprised and said, 'But, sir, I can't sing at all!' 'Oh, that's all right,' answered Captain Jones.'That doesn't matter at all.You don't need to sing: I only want someone to keep the men soldiers looking in front of them when they are in the church.'
The Benefit of Knowing Another Language
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Two mice(pl.老鼠)sat in their hole watching Cat lurk outside.“I know how to
make Cat go away,” said the first mouse.“How?” the second mouse asked in surprise.“Watch!Bow, wow！!” barked(吠叫)the first mouse.Peering(凝视)through their hole in the wall, they saw Cat running away in fear.“Ah, see the benefit of knowing another language
Frozen Parrot
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David received a parrot for his birthday.This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an expletive.Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked.He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming-then suddenly there was quiet.David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: ”I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness.I will endeavor to correctmy behavior.“
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: ”May I ask what the chicken did?"
挨冻的鹦鹉
戴维生日时收到了一只鹦鹉。这只鹦鹉态度恶劣、言辞粗俗，而那些不是脏话的至少可以说是粗鲁无礼。
戴维竭尽所能想改变鹦鹉的习惯，于是坚持一直说文雅的话，放轻柔的音乐，以及任何他所能想到的来尽力作出一个好榜样。
但一切无济于事。他朝着这鸟儿咆哮但只使事情更糟。他拼命摇晃鸟儿，鹦鹉就更加愤
怒和粗鲁。
最终，在一阵绝望过后，戴维把鹦鹉送进了冰箱。过了一会儿他听到鸟儿在抱怨，乱踢，还尖叫——接着突然安静了下来。
戴维给吓到了，他怕伤到了鸟儿赶紧打开冰箱门。鹦鹉镇静的踱上戴维伸出的手臂说：对不起，我的话语和行为可能冒犯了你，我请求你的原谅。我会尽力纠正自己的行为。”
戴维惊讶于它态度的急剧变化，正要问是什么导致了如此惊人的改变，鹦鹉却继续问道：“我可以问一下那只鸡做过什么吗？”
Heading for Heaven
------------------
A man is waiting for wife to give birth.The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head!But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.After 21 years,the son is old enough for his first drink.Dad takes him to the barand tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.Swoooop!A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent
第二篇：英语幽默小短文
英语幽默小短文
The Old Cat
An old woman had a cat.The cat was very old;she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old.One day the old cat saw a mouse;she jumped and caught the mouse.But she could not bite it;so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it.Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse.She began to hit the cat.The cat said, “Do not hit your old servant.I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old.Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young.”
第三篇：幽默英语演讲短文
篇一：幽默英语演讲小短文(2分钟的)[1]1 幽默英语演讲小短文(2分钟的)as food is to the body, so is learning to the mind.our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food.likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity.constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment.learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty.determination to sweep away obstacles to our success and strangling our desire for the refinement of our character.lack of learning will inevitably lead to the stagnation of the mind, or even worse, its fossilization, therefore, to stay mentally young, we have to take learning as a lifelong career.学习之于心灵，就像食物之于身体一样。摄取了适量的营养
一旦学习停止，单调贫乏的生活就开始了。视学校为汲取知识的唯一场所是种常见的谬误。相反地，学习应该是一种无终止的历程，从生到死。由于世界一直快速地在变动，只要学习停顿数日就将使人落后。更糟的是，蛰伏在我们潜意识深处的兽性本能就会复活，削弱我们追求高贵理想的意志，弱化我们扫除成功障碍的决心，而且扼杀我们净化我们人格的欲望。缺少学习将不可避免地导致心灵的停滞，甚至更糟地，使其僵化。因此，为了保持心理年轻，我们必须将学习当作一生的事业。
2．heavy schoolwork【课业繁重】
in my opinion, the schoolwork now being assigned to high school students is too heavy.while it is true that students need to study, they need other things as well if they are to grow into healthy and well-rounded adults.high should be allowed more time for play.playing is not wasting time, as some think.it gives them physical exercise, and also exercise their imagination.which tends to be stifled by too much study.finally, the pressure put on high school students by excessive schoolwork can cause serious stress, which is unhealthy physically and mentally.i do not advocate the elimination of schoolwork.i do think, however, that a reduction of the current heavy load would be beneficial to students and to the society as a whole.我认为目前高中生的课业实在太重了，虽然说学生的确应当念书，但是要想长大成为健全的人，他门还需要一些其它的东西，所以应该给高中生较多从事娱乐的时间。娱乐并不如某些人所想的，是在浪费时间，它可以让学生锻炼身体，发挥被繁重课业扼杀的想象力。此外，繁重的课业加诸在高中生身上的压力可能引起严重的情绪紧张，这对身心都有害。我并非主张废除学校课业，但是我认为减轻目前繁重的课业对于学生和整个社会都是有益的。
3．time【时间】 lost time is never found again.this is something which i learned very clearly last semester.i spent so much time fooling around that my grades began to suffer.i finally realized that something had to be done.it was time for a change.now i have a new plan for using my time wisely.i have set my alarm clock ahead half an hour.this will give me a head start on the day.i have also decided to keep a log of what i do and when i do it.looking back on what i’ve done will give me some ideas on how to reorganize my time.时光一去不复返，这是我上学期清楚学到的教训。我浪费很
多时间四处游荡，以致于我的成绩开始退步。最后我终于了解到我必须有所作为；该是痛改前非的时候了。
现在我有一个明智运用时间的新方法。我已将闹钟早拨半小时，这将使我这一天的作息提前开始。我也决定将我所做的一切及做这些事的时间记录下来。回顾我所做的事情会启发我如何重新安排我的时间。
4．work and play【工作与娱乐】
来说，适度的娱乐活动能提供各种管道，来渲泄你被压抑的情绪，减轻单调生活中的紧张与不悦。
放学之后，我最常做的休闲活动，便是慢跑与看电影。通常我并不特地拨出时间来做运动，但是我很重视学校的体育课。在操场上慢跑几圈，无疑地可以减轻一天的压力。在周末时，我都去看早场电影，享受视觉飨宴。如此一来，我将有如再生般的充沛活力，去面对下一星期的工作量。
5．my first job【我的第一份工作】
my first job was at a cramming school.it was three years ago when i just graduated from junior high school and finished the entrance examination.since i had nothing to do that summer, i decided to find a job, tasting the joy of independence.i was responsible for answering the telephone and taking the message.i worked eight hours a day, six days a week.the work was not difficult nor heavy to me and i guess i did well.the most delighted thing was perhaps that i could spend the money i earned all by myself.我的第一份工作是在一家补习班做事。那是三年前我刚从国中毕业，考完联考时的事了。既然我那整个夏天都闲着没事，倒不如找份差事，尝尝独立赚钱的快乐。
我负责接听电话且纪录留言的工作。我一天工作八小时，一星期工作六天。那份工作对我而言既不困难亦不沉重，所以我想我还满称职的。而最令人快乐的事大概莫过于花全部由自己 篇二：幽默英语演讲稿
幽默英语演讲稿
love your mother 爱你的母亲
why are you crying, a young boy asked his mom? 你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈.because im a woman, she told him.因为我是女人,她告诉他.i dont understand, he said.我不明白.他回答 his mom just hugged him and said, and you never will, but thats o.k........妈妈拥抱了他说,你永远也不会明白,但没关系...later the little boy asked his father, why does mom seem to cry for no reason?.后来小男孩问他的父亲妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣? all women cry for no reason, was all his dad could say......所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣,这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...the little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候, 他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.finally he put in a call to god and when god got back to him, he asked god, why do women cry so easily? 最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣? god answered......上帝回答: when i made woman, i decided she had to be special.i made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, 当我创造女人的时候, 我决定把她造的很特别, 我让她的双肩强壮的足以能够承担整个世界,但是, 却让她的双臂温柔的足够去安慰他人...i gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth 篇三：幽默英语演讲小短文(2分钟的)as food is to the body, so is learning to the mind.our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food.likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity.constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment.learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty.学习之于心灵，就像食物之于身体一样。摄取了适量的营养食物，我们的身体得以生长而肌肉得以发达。同样地，我们应该日复一日不断地学习以保持我们敏锐的心智能力，并扩充我们的智力容量。不断的学习提供我们用不尽的燃料，来驱使我们磨利我们的推理、分析和判断的能力。持续的学习是在信息时代中跟时代并驾齐驱的最稳当的方法，也是在变动的世代中成功的可靠保证。
一旦学习停止，单调贫乏的生活就开始了。视学校为汲取知识的唯一场所是种常见的谬误。相反地，学习应该是一种无终止的历程，从生到死。由于世界一直快速地在变动，只要学习停顿数日就将使人落后。更糟的是，蛰伏在我们潜意识深处的兽性本能就会复活，削弱我们追求高贵理想的意志，弱化我们扫除成功障碍的决心，而且扼杀我们净化我们人格的欲望。缺少学习将不可避免地导致心灵的停滞，甚至更糟地，使其僵化。因此，为了保持心理年轻，我们必须将学习当作一生的事业。
2．heavy schoolwork【课业繁重】 in my opinion, the schoolwork now being assigned to high school students is too heavy.while it is true that students need to study, they need other things as well if they are to grow into healthy and well-rounded adults.high should be allowed more time for play.playing is not wasting time, as some think.it gives them physical exercise, and also exercise their imagination.which tends to be stifled by too much study.finally, the pressure put on high school students by excessive schoolwork can cause serious stress, which is unhealthy physically and mentally.i do not advocate the elimination of schoolwork.i do think, however, that a reduction of the current heavy load would be beneficial to students and to the society as a whole.我认为目前高中生的课业实在太重了，虽然说学生的确应当念书，但是要想长大成为健全的人，他门还需要一些其它的东西，所以应该给高中生较多从事娱乐的时间。娱乐并不如某些人所想的，是在浪费时间，它可以让学生锻炼身体，发挥被繁重课业扼杀的想象力。此外，繁重的课业加诸在高中生身上的压力可能引起严重的情绪紧张，这对身心都有害。我并非主张废除学校课业，但是我认为减轻目前繁重的课业对于学生和整个社会都是有益的。
3．time【时间】 lost time is never found again.this is something which i learned very clearly last semester.i spent so much time fooling around that my grades began to suffer.i finally realized that something had to be done.it was time for a change.now i have a new plan for using my time wisely.i have set my alarm clock ahead half an hour.this will give me a head start on the day.i have also decided to keep a log of what i do and when i do it.looking back on what i’ve done will give me some ideas on how to reorganize my time.时光一去不复返，这是我上学期清楚学到的教训。我浪费很多时间四处游荡，以致于我的成绩开始退步。最后我终于了解到我必须有所作为；该是痛改前非的时候了。
现在我有一个明智运用时间的新方法。我已将闹钟早拨半小时，这将使我这一天的作息提前开始。我也决定将我所做的一切及做这些事的时间记录下来。回顾我所做的事情会启发我如何重新安排我的时间。
4．work and play【工作与娱乐】
what i usually do to relax after school is jogging and seeing movies.usually i dont spare time for exercise, but i value the physical education class at school.jogging several rounds in the field certainly relieves the days pressure.on weekends, ill catch the morning movie for my visual enjoyment.i feel revived and energetic for another weeks work-load.工作与娱乐并不互相冲突，事实上，它们之间的关系还相辅相成。有句格言说：「整日工作而没有休闲娱乐，会令人变得沉闷乏味。」被工作重担压得喘不过气来的生活，将使你一事无成，因为你将对一成不变的例行公事感到厌烦。由另一方面来说，适度的娱乐活动能提供各种管道，来渲泄你被压抑的情绪，减轻单调生活中的紧张与不悦。
放学之后，我最常做的休闲活动，便是慢跑与看电影。通常我并不特地拨出时间来做运动，但是我很重视学校的体育课。在操场上慢跑几圈，无疑地可以减轻一天的压力。在周末时，我都去看早场电影，享受视觉飨宴。如此一来，我将有如再生般的充沛活力，去面对下一星期的工作量。
5．my first job【我的第一份工作】
my first job was at a cramming school.it was three years ago when i just graduated from junior high school and finished the entrance examination.since i had nothing to do that summer, i decided to find a job, tasting the joy of independence.i was responsible for answering the telephone and taking the message.i worked eight hours a day, six days a week.the work was not difficult nor heavy to me and i guess i did well.the most delighted thing was perhaps that i could spend the money i earned all by myself.我的第一份工作是在一家补习班做事。那是三年前我刚从国中毕业，考完联考时的事了。既然我那整个夏天都闲着没事，倒不如找份差事，尝尝独立赚钱的快乐。
我负责接听电话且纪录留言的工作。我一天工作八小时，一星期工作六天。那份工作对我而言既不困难亦不沉重，所以我想我还满称职的。而最令人快乐的事大概莫过于花全部由自己赚来的钱了！6．my favorite sports【我最喜爱的运动】
sports help everyone to keep healthy, happy, and efficient.so i pay special attention to games, especially table-tennis.table tennis is my favorite game.i play it almost every day.table-tennis is an ideal game us because it brings the whole body into action.it strengthens our muscles, expands our lungs, promotes the circulation of the blood, and causes a healthy action of the skin.besides, it is very amusing and does not cost us much money.table-tennis is very moderate;it is not so rough as football.it is an indoor game and can be played even on rainy days.thus, it is my favorite kind of exercise.运动能帮助每一个人保持健康、快乐和有效率。所以我特别重视运动，特别是桌球，桌球是我最喜欢的运动。我几乎每天玩。
桌球对我们而言，是一项理想的运动，因为它可以使我们全身运动，它可以增强我们的肌肉，扩张我们的肺部，促进血液循环，并且使肌肤产生健康作用，此外，它很有趣而且所费不多。桌球是相当温和适中的，它不像足球那么粗野。它是一种室内运动，甚至在下雨天也能玩。因此，桌球是我最喜爱的一种运动。
篇四：幽默英语演讲小短文(2分钟的)as food is to the body, so is learning to the mind.our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food.likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity.constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment.learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty.学习之于心灵，就像食物之于身体一样。摄取了适量的营养食物，我们的身体得以生长而肌肉得以发达。同样地，我们应该日复一日不断地学习以保持我们敏锐的心智能力，并扩充我们的智力容量。不断的学习提供我们用不尽的燃料，来驱使我们磨利我们的推理、分析和判断的能力。持续的学习是在信息时代中跟时代并驾齐驱的最稳当的方法，也是在变动的世代中成功的可靠保证。
一旦学习停止，单调贫乏的生活就开始了。视学校为汲取知识的唯一场所是种常见的谬误。相反地，学习应该是一种无终止的历程，从生到死。由于世界一直快速地在变动，只要学习停顿数日就将使人落后。更糟的是，蛰伏在我们潜意识深处的兽性本能就会复活，削弱我们追求高贵理想的意志，弱化我们扫除成功障碍的决心，而且扼杀我们净化我们人格的欲望。缺少学习将不可避免地导致心灵的停滞，甚至更糟地，使其僵化。因此，为了保持心理年轻，我们必须将学习当作一生的事业。
2．heavy schoolwork【课业繁重】
in my opinion, the schoolwork now being assigned to high school students is too heavy.while it is true that students need to study, they need other things as well if they are to grow into healthy and well-rounded adults.high should be allowed more time for play.playing is not wasting time, as some think.it gives them physical exercise, and also exercise their imagination.which tends to be stifled by too much study.finally, the pressure put on high school students by excessive schoolwork can cause serious stress, which is unhealthy physically and mentally.i do not advocate the elimination of schoolwork.i do think, however, that a reduction of the current heavy load would be beneficial to students and to the society as a whole.我认为目前高中生的课业实在太重了，虽然说学生的确应当念书，但是要想长大成为健全的人，他门还需要一些其它的东西，所以应该给高中生较多从事娱乐的时间。娱乐并不如某些人所想的，是在浪费时间，它可以让学生锻炼身体，发挥被繁重课业扼杀的想象力。此外，繁重的课业加诸在高中生身上的压力可能引起严重的情绪紧张，这对身心都有害。我并非主张废除学校课业，但是我认为减
轻目前繁重的课业对于学生和整个社会都是有益的。
3．time【时间】 lost time is never found again.this is something which i learned very clearly last semester.i spent so much time fooling around that my grades began to suffer.i finally realized that something had to be done.it was time for a change.now i have a new plan for using my time wisely.i have set my alarm clock ahead half an hour.this will give me a head start on the day.i have also decided to keep a log of what i do and when i do it.looking back on what i’ve done will give me some ideas on how to reorganize my time.时光一去不复返，这是我上学期清楚学到的教训。我浪费很多时间四处游荡，以致于我的成绩开始退步。最后我终于了解到我必须有所作为；该是痛改前非的时候了。
现在我有一个明智运用时间的新方法。我已将闹钟早拨半小时，这将使我这一天的作息提前开始。我也决定将我所做的一切及做这些事的时间记录下来。回顾我所做的事情会启发我如何重新安排我的时间。
4．work and play【工作与娱乐】
what i usually do to relax after school is jogging and seeing movies.usually i dont spare time for exercise, but i value the physical education class at school.jogging several rounds in the field certainly relieves the days pressure.on weekends, ill catch the morning movie for my visual enjoyment.i feel revived and energetic for another weeks work-load.工作与娱乐并不互相冲突，事实上，它们之间的关系还相辅相成。有句格言说：「整日工作而没有休闲娱乐，会令人变得沉闷乏味。」被工作重担压得喘不过气来的生活，将使你一事无成，因为你将对一成不变的例行公事感到厌烦。由另一方面来说，适度的娱乐活动能提供各种管道，来渲泄你被压抑的情绪，减轻单调生活中的紧张与不悦。
放学之后，我最常做的休闲活动，便是慢跑与看电影。通常我并不特地拨出时间来做运动，但是我很重视学校的体育课。在操场上慢跑几圈，无疑地可以减轻一天的压力。在周末时，我都去看早场电影，享受视觉飨宴。如此一来，我将有如再生般的充沛活力，去面对下一星期的工作量。
5．my first job【我的第一份工作】
my first job was at a cramming school.it was three years ago when i just graduated from junior high school and finished the entrance examination.since i had nothing to do that summer, i decided to find a job, tasting the joy of independence.i was responsible for answering the telephone and taking the message.i worked eight hours a day, six days a week.the work was not difficult nor heavy to me and i guess i did well.the most delighted thing was perhaps that i could spend the money i earned all by myself.我的第一份工作是在一家补习班做事。那是三年前我刚从国中毕业，考完联考时的事了。既然我那整个夏天都闲着没事，倒不如找份差事，尝尝独立赚钱的快乐。
我负责接听电话且纪录留言的工作。我一天工作八小时，一星期工作六天。那份工作对我而言既不困难亦不沉重，所以我想我还满称职的。而最令人快乐的事大概莫过于花全部由自己赚来的钱了！6．my favorite sports【我最喜爱的运动】
sports help everyone to keep healthy, happy, and efficient.so i pay special attention to games, especially table-tennis.table tennis is my favorite game.i play it almost every day.table-tennis is an ideal game us because it brings the whole body into action.it strengthens our muscles, expands our lungs, promotes the circulation of the blood, and causes a healthy action of the skin.besides, it is very amusing and does not cost us much money.table-tennis is very moderate;it is not so rough as football.it is an indoor game and can be played even on rainy days.thus, it is my favorite kind of exercise.运动能帮助每一个人保持健康、快乐和有效率。所以我特别重视运动，特别是桌球，桌球是我最喜欢的运动。我几乎每天玩。
桌球对我们而言，是一项理想的运动，因为它可以使我们全身运动，它可以增强我们的肌肉，扩张我们的肺部，促进血液循环，并且使肌肤产生健康作用，此外，它很有趣而且所费不多。桌球是相当温和适中的，它不像足球那么粗野。它是一种室内运动，甚至在下雨天也能玩。因此，桌球是我最喜爱的一种运动。
第四篇：英语幽默小短文
英语幽默小短文
Wake up!Wake up!It's time for sleeping pills!
醒来！醒来！现在该吃安眠药了！
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question---if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”
“I'll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”
“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。
“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”
Late one night at the insane asylum(疯人院）one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, “How do you know?”
The first inmate said, “God told me!”
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”
疯人院
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另一个说：“你怎么知道？”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说！”
Improvement
One student to another: “How are your English lessons coming along?”“Fine.I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me.”
进步
一位学生对另一位说：“你的英语最近学的怎么样？”
“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。”
Half or Five Tenths?
Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five
tenths.半个还是十分之五
老师：你愿意要半个柑橘，还是十分之五个柑橘？
杰拉得：我宁可要半个。
老师：仔细想想，说出理由来。
杰拉得：因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就损失太多了。
The Reason of Being Late
Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School--Go Slow'.迟到的原因
老 师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到？
约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校－缓行’。
When Do People Talk Least?
Student A: When do people talk least?
Student B: In February.Student A: Why?
Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.人们什么时候说话最少？
学生甲：人们在什么时候说话最少？
学生乙：在二月。
学生甲：为什么呢？
学生乙：因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。
The plural Form of “Child”
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom: Men.Teacher: Good.And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.“孩子”的复数形式
老师：汤姆，‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么？
汤姆：男人们。
老师：答得好。那‘孩子’的复数形式呢？
汤姆：双胞胎。
All Except the Music
A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical
music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert.To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices.Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, “Have you enjoyed yourself today?”
“Oh, yes, miss!” said Sally, “It was lovely.All except the music, that is.”除了音乐
一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象，她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候，她问小萨莉：“你今天玩得好吗？”
“噢，好极了，小姐，” 萨莉说，“除了音乐其它都很好。”
My Sister's Fingers
Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?
Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.Teacher: I don't see any bandages.Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers!I told my little sister to hold the nail.我妹妹的手指头
老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了？
凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。
老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀？
凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。
The Climate of New Zealand
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.Teacher: Wrong.Matthew: But, sir!When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!新西兰的气候
老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样？
马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。
老师：错了。
马修：可是，先生！从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。
Lightning
Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice?Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more!闪电
老师：为什么说闪电从来不会两次击中同一个地方？
罗伊：因为它击中一个地方一次以后，那个地方就不存在了。
Who Discovered Australia?
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.Johnny: It's there, sir.Teacher: That's right.Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?
Sammy: Johnny, sir.谁发现了澳大利亚？
老师：约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。
约翰尼：先生，在这儿。
老师：对了。萨默，你来回答我是谁发现了澳大利亚？
萨默：先生，是约翰尼。
Essay
Teacher had set his class an essay in “A Game of Cricket”.After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home.His essay read: “Rain stopped play.”
作文
老师给学生出了个作文题：“一场板球赛”。两分钟后，西蒙。斯蒂尔交了作文，老师允许他回家了。他在作文上写道：“下雨，比赛终止。”
How Many Rabbits?
Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?
Jonathan: Nine, sir.Teacher: Nine?
Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.多少只兔子？
老师：好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？
乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。
老师：九只？
乔纳森：先生，我本来就有一只。
To Go to Heaven
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up.....what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up--don't you want
to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can't.My Mum told me to go straight home.去天堂
主日学校的教员：想去天堂的人举起手来，把手举起来。。你呢，哈里？你还没举手呢--你不想去天堂吗？
哈里： 我去不了，因为妈妈让我一放学就回家。
第五篇：英语幽默小短文
英语幽默小短文
Two birds
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
The Fish Net
“Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?”
“A lot of little holes tied together with strings.” replied the little girl.鱼网
“你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？” 老师发问道。
“把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。” 小女孩回答道。
The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.“George, how did you like your new teacher?” asked his mother.“I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....”
新老师
9月1日，乔治放学回到家里。
“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？” 妈妈问。
“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。”
A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears.一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后
Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.”
“That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”
安眠药
鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”
“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”
Creative Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications.Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes.I got the job.I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.创造性
第一次求职时，我意识到在列举我所具备的为数不多的条件时，得有点创造性。当问及我是否受过其它的培训时，我老实地回答说我花了三年时间学计算机程序设计课。我得到了那份工作。
我没有提到那门功课我重复学了三年才考及格
I knew that!There were two men who went out to eat together.They ordered fish.So on the table there were two fish.Normally not all the fish are alike in size, so there was one small, and one big.The first man just took the big one for himself without asking and feeling ashamed, or anything;and ate it.The other friend felt very disturbed and annoyed, he didn't know what to say.So he thought for a while, and then he said,“ If it were me,” I would have taken the smaller onefirst.“ So the other guy said,” See!I knew that!That's why I took the big one.“ He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed.He hurt himself.Tommy: That's too bad.How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, ”What happened?“ ”A kid bit me,“ replied Ivan.”Would you recognize him if you saw him again?“ asked his mother.”I'd know him any where,“ said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.“ 他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” 只剩一个引擎 One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, ”Attention, passengers.We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left.Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult.“ Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, ”Guess what, folks.We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one.We will now arrive in London three hours late.“ At this point, one passenger became furious.”For Pete's sake,“ he shouted, ”If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!“
一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦 ？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。” The Advantage of Wearing Glasses
Helen's eyes were not very good，so she usually wore glasses，but when she nineteen and began to go out with a young man，she never wore glasses when she was with him.When he came to the door to take her out，she would take her glasses off，and when she got back home again and he left，she would put them on.One day her mother asked her:
“But Helen，why do you never wear glasses when you are with Jim? He takes you to such lovely places in his car，but you can't see anything.”
“Well，mother，” said Helen.“I look prettier to Jim when I'm not wearing my glasses and he looks better to me，too.”
戴眼镜的好处
海伦的视力不太好，所以他常戴眼镜。她十九岁时开始和一个男青年交朋友。当和男朋友在一起时海伦从不戴眼镜。每当男朋友到门口接她外出的时候，她就摘下眼镜；回到家里，男朋友走了以后，海伦才戴上眼镜。有一天妈妈问她：“海伦，你和吉姆在一起时为什么从不戴眼镜？他开车带你去优美的地方玩儿，可你什么也看不见。”海伦说：“嗯，妈妈，我不戴眼镜时吉姆看着我更漂亮些，同时我也觉得他显得更顺眼一些。” A Gentleman 绅士
Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five.One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen.She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, ”Now here's a knife, Dick.Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman.“ ”Like a gentleman?“ Dick asked.”How do gentlemen do it?“ ”They always give the bigger piece to the other person.“ answered his aunt at once.”Oh“ said Dick.He thought about this for a few seconds.Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,”Cut this cake in half, Catherine.“.迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。
孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。” 迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？”
他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。” 迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。”
Where It Should Be Plugged
A mother is very good at using every chance to educate his son, who was only three years old.One day, she took a plug and said to her son, ” Look, there are two pieces of copper, so it must be plugged in a place where there are two holes.Where do you think it should be plugged?“ She waited for an answer expectfully.”Plug in nose.“ is the answer.插在何处
一位母亲十分善于利用每一个机会对孩子进行教育。她的儿子只有三岁。一天，她拿着一个插头对儿子说：“看，这里有两个铜片，那它一定要插在有两个孔的地方。你说它应该插在哪儿呢？”母亲期待着儿子的回答。
“插在鼻子里！”儿子回答说。
A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?“ ”I gave it to a poor old woman,“ he answered.”You're a good boy,“ said the mother proudly.”Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?“ ”She is the one who sells the candy一个好孩子小罗伯特向他妈妈要了两美分。“你用我昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我把它给了一个贫穷的老妇人。”他回答“你是个好孩子”妈妈骄傲地说。“这里有两美分多，但为什么你对老妇人这么有兴趣？”"她是一个卖糖果的”
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