第一篇：新孔雀东南飞 英语小品
新孔雀东南飞
焦仲卿Johnny(J);刘兰芝Lunch(L);焦母Johnny’s mother(JM);刘母Lunch’s mother(LM)强盗Burglars(A B and C)
(J作被打状，跑上台，砸出一团报纸, J被打中 , 狼狈不堪)
J:Everybody says that I’m henpecked, but in fact, I’m as strong as a tiger,(小声)while my wife is Wu Song.(指着上台处的门大声道)I’m not afraid of you!(又砸出一纸团，J躲)My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!(再砸出一团纸,击中J)My God!Who can help me?(J下,JM作窃听状)JM(拄拐棍上):I can!(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’m here！What’s up mum?
JM:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me“my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.L:OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up?
JM:Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude,so brusque,so lazy…… L:But……
JM:Never interrupt me!
L:Never interrupt me!Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.I have raised ducks and chicken and…… JM:But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grand son!
L(生气):Oh,you want a grand son,don’t you? Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!
L:Mum,I’m back!
LM:You are back? Why? What happened?
L:I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!I have already told you!When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor, but you didn’t listen to me.Look at yourself…… L:But,mum……
LM:Never interrupt me!
L:Mum, I'm not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK? And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.LM(大喜):Nice girl!Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:“If your daughter haven’t been married, I really really want to marry her!” Now you are free again, I’ll go and tell him.(LM下)
L(惊愕):What?The mayor’s son? The most famous playboy ?What a silly thing I have done!(L下)
J(睡眼惺忪，边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Where are my socks?
(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Here they are!(闻一下)Er!How smelly!They are still dirty!(突然想起)Lunch has gone!I have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh, I’m so hungry!I miss Lunch and her excellent cooking skill so much!Now she has gone.I have to cook for my mother and myself.JM(上):Where’s my breakfast? Where’s Lunch? Hasn’t she got up yet? J:Mum,can’t you remember? Lunch has gone!
JM(沉吟片刻):Well,to tell you the truth Johnny,a son without a wife is useless.Lunch is a nice girl, go and take her back!J(立正敬礼):Yes madam!
A:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B:And I planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)
C:If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)A B&C:Give us all your money!
J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is 1 mao enough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)A:What bad luck!This guy is broken!
B:If we cannot rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!
C:I heard that the mayor's son is going to marry Miss Liu Lanzhi next month.We can go and rob the wedding!A&B:Good idea!
J(惊讶):What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!AB&C:Why? A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!J:But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got divorced yet!
(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea！You are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B:Have you got any experience?
J:No.But I’ve got this!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)
(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(J和三强盗跃至台中)
A B C&J:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!A:The road is built by me!B:And I planted one tree.C:If you want to go by this street---J:Give us all your money!
(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)
L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)
(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)J(火冒三丈):How dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向MS冲去）
(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,how are you? L(哭状):I hurt a lot!
J:Don’t cry baby.I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)L(起身去追):Wait for me!(下)
第二篇：搞笑版_英语话剧_孔雀东南飞
《孔雀东南飞》
表演者：焦仲卿 饰（040905049）
刘兰芝 饰（040905035）
焦母 饰（040905043）
刘母 饰（040905042）
旁白兼太守之子 饰（040905046）
强盗A 饰（040905047）
强盗B 饰（040905048）
焦仲卿Johnny(J for short)刘兰芝Lunch(L for short)焦母Johnny’s mother(JM for short)刘母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)太守之子Mayor’s son(MS for short)强盗Burglars(A&B)
J: Everybody says that I’m henpecked, but in fact, I’m as strong as a tiger, while my wife is Wu Song.I’m not afraid of you!My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!My God!Who can help me? Act1 旁白：when our lovely Johnny are suffering from the domestic violence ,Johnny's mother have been seen all of the things.(就在我们可爱的仲卿遭受家庭暴力时，JM已将这一切尽收耳底。)
JM:I can!Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? L: I’m here!What’s up mum?
JM: I’ve told you again and again that you should call me "my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.L: OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up? JM: Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude, so brusque, so lazy„„ L: But„„
JM: Never interrupt me!L: Never interrupt me!Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.I have raised ten soft thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and„„
JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!Grandson!Where’s my grandson? L: Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you? Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!Act2 旁白：Lunch was driven away the house by the mother-in-law and came back her home(被婆婆赶出家门的兰芝一步一回头，三步两回头，无奈的回到了自己的家中。)L: Mum, I’m back!
LM: You are back? Why? What happened? L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.LM: See!I have already told you!When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor ,but you did not listen to me.Look at yourself„„ L: But, mum„„
LM: Never interrupt me!L: Mum, I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK? And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.LM: Nice girl!Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:” If your daughter.Haven’t been married, I really want to marry her!“Now you are free again, I’ll go and tell him.(下)L: What? The mayor’s son? The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood? What a silly thing I have done!(下)Act3 旁白：Johnny's home was soon in trouble without Lunch , Johnny's mother have to let Johnny find Lunch and come home.It said that there are some Burglars on the way to Lunch 's home.(没有了兰芝的焦家很快陷入了窘境，JM只好让仲卿将兰芝找回。听说去兰芝家的路上常有强盗出没。)A: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!B: And I planted one tree!A: If you want to go by this street---A&B: Give us all your money!J: Don’t kill me!Don’t kill me!I’ll give all my money to you!Is 1 mao enough? A: What bad luck!B: If we can not rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!A: I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lan zhi next month.We can go and rob the wedding!A&B: Good idea!J: What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!A&B: Why? A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!J: But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got divorced yet!I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B: Have you got any experience? J: No.But I’ve got this!
Act4 旁白：Time flies,it's wedding date.Mayor’s son is happily holding the bride's hand ,and Lunch is unwillingness under the red cloth.(转眼已到了婚礼之期．太守之子意气风发的牵着新娘，兰芝盖着红盖头极不情愿跟在后边。)AB&J: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!A: The road is built by me!B: And I planted one tree.A: If you want to go by this street---AB＆J: Give us all your money!L: Johnny!I miss you so much!MS: Who are you and where are you from? Who rob my bride will be killed!J: How dare you beat my wife!I will kill you!J: Honey, how are you? L: I hurt a lot!J: Don’t cry baby.Eat this at once!I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)L: Wait for me!
学院：理学院
班级：04信计（2）班
专业：信息与计算科学
第三篇：年会小品剧本创意节目策划;孔雀东南飞
年会小品剧本；孔雀东南飞
--更多年会策划请百度欧凯传媒
基本人物 焦仲卿 刘兰芝 焦仲卿家丁 焦仲卿母 旁白男 旁白女 开场
旁白：《孔雀东南飞》是我国文学史上首部长篇叙事诗千百年来以波澜曲折的故事，告跌宕起伏的情节而成为经典。今天，我们告别延续2017多年的悲情与叹惋，成全刘兰芝焦仲卿美满的婚姻！现在，想乐翻天者请上座，安静，看戏......（家丁上）
家丁：大家好，我就是江南第一代才子，玉树临风，风流倜傥，人见人爱，花见花开，车见车爆胎的宇宙无敌超级大帅哥焦仲卿------家的家丁（造型）
上面一张嘴，下面跑断腿啊！这不，我们未来的少奶奶又来让我通知我家公子，半个时辰后在村头小树林见面呢！（焦仲卿在房内写字，边自语）焦(感叹)：古人有一种最令人 哇塞 的写字方法-----竖着写，横着写怎么能突显我的帅气，恩，还是竖写！
家丁（推门而入）公子，兰芝小姐让我通知你，半个时辰后在村头小树林见面！
焦仲卿（鄙视眼光看家丁）：你OUT了 一小时之前兰芝早给我发短信了！去，把我的宝马X6牵过来！
家丁（不满状）：公子 警察说了：非机动车辆禁止上路 焦仲卿（无语状）：还忘了这茬 走咱们乘11路公交去！绕场下
刘兰芝上，刘焦二人相遇，焦握着刘兰芝的手，家丁站旁边。焦仲卿（边走边吟）：天苍苍野茫茫，风吹草低见女郎（刘兰芝上）焦仲卿：芝妹 刘兰芝：卿哥
焦仲卿（转向家丁）守住入口，有敌情立马回报
转向刘兰芝：芝妹
刘兰芝：卿哥，你有什么要说的么 焦仲卿：你踩我脚了！
刘兰芝：革的啊，我说这么那么垫脚呢！
焦仲卿：兰芝，你是我饥饿时的咸泡饭，寒冷时的破棉袄，受伤时的红药水，黑暗中的电灯泡，如果你是猪八戒，我就是你脚下的西瓜皮，如果你是孙悟空，我就是你头上的紧箍咒。如果你......刘兰芝：（对观众）我怎么越听越不像夸我呢！
焦仲卿（单腿下跪）：芝妹，嫁给我吧，我发誓会好好照顾你，不会让你受一点委屈，如果我对你有二心，天打五雷轰！（打雷声焦被劈倒，）
旁白女：雷公，你为什么要劈他 旁白男：坏
旁白女：就一个字?理由不充分！旁白男：贼坏！
旁白女：这个理由相当充分 旁白男：GO！
焦仲卿（站起拍拍灰）：忘带避雷针了！刘兰芝：卿哥，你没被劈死吧！焦仲卿：芝妹。这只是个意外。
家丁：大事不好，公子夫人她骑着扫帚拎着板砖冲过来了！焦母上场
焦母：呔，小狐狸精，老虎不发威你拿我当hellokitty啊！，老娘不说话你拿我当史努比哈！竟敢勾引我儿子，看砖（刘兰芝躲在焦仲卿后面，焦仲卿一脸害怕。家丁上前）
家丁：夫人，您用双节棍就已经够拉风的了，板砖杀气太重，要温柔，温柔！
焦母（摇头晃脑道）：子曾经曰过的：打人用砖乎？照脸乎，乎不着再乎，乎着了往死里乎，乎死拉倒也！（扔砖 家丁接）旁白男：下面是史无前例的焦母与刘小姐PK赛，现在开始！（焦刘摆好姿势）
刘兰芝（刘兰芝进焦母退）：《中人民共和国婚姻法》，第二百五十篇第八款第二条明确规定：婚姻自由，禁止包办
焦仲卿（上前，对焦母）：对婚姻自由，包办是犯法的，焦母（推开焦仲卿）：嘿，我上管天，下管地中间管空气，老娘我就是---法律，就是不准你俩成婚。
焦刘四目相对 焦母照镜子 兰芝看到焦母照镜子灵机一动 刘兰芝：公子，我有了.....焦仲卿（大惊失色）有了，什么有了，有什么了！
刘兰芝（笑）有了让夫人成全我们的办法（温柔的）每个女人都有其温柔的一面，我们用好听的话淹死他！（两人击掌，耶）
焦仲卿（上前帮母捶背，）：妈，几年哦不几分钟没见您皮肤又白了！焦母（自恋的，拿出小镜子）：早上刚刚做过补水面膜的，丁家宜青春好朋友！哦耶！
刘兰芝（上前拉焦母的手）：夫人，您的皮肤好好细嫩哦！焦母：嗯，娇嫩皮肤，我选择小护士的!刘兰芝（含笑）：夫人，追你的老头一定很多吧！焦母：嗯？老头
刘兰芝：你看我这张嘴啊！是帅哥！焦母（笑着）：不多不多世界第三！刘兰芝：那我送你五包臭美面膜，包您青春美，八十不衰退！焦母（大笑）：好丫头，焦仲卿：那您看我和兰芝的婚事？ 焦母：成交（捂嘴）说漏嘴了
（刘兰芝，焦仲卿击掌庆贺，退后，两人泰坦尼克号姿势 刘双臂未张开）
焦母（对观众）：这个作者也太无聊了吧？怎么就5包面膜就刷下我了，我咋就同意了呢？走咱们去找他算账去！（焦在后刘张开双臂在前，）
焦仲卿（含情脉脉）兰芝，你看那是什么（指向前方）刘兰芝（认真的）鸟粪。
焦仲卿（点点头）什么鸟粪！那不是两只鸳鸯吗？ 刘兰芝（无语状）头一次听说树上有鸳鸯的！焦仲卿（看刘兰芝）芝妹 刘兰芝（看向焦仲卿）恩 焦仲卿（认真的）：我们结婚吧！《婚礼进行曲》 焦刘分开站在平行线上 刘兰芝（上前一步）：我是刘兰芝 焦仲卿（上前一步）：我是焦仲卿 刘兰芝：今年我十七。焦仲卿（不解的）：嗯？ 刘兰芝：错了，今年我属鸡！焦仲卿：今年我属虎
刘兰芝（张口欲言，停下，看向焦仲卿）：卿哥，你没有什么要说的么！
焦仲卿（翻出口袋里的易拉罐环给刘兰芝带上）：芝妹，我们终于结婚了
刘兰芝（不停看着手上的易拉罐环，看向焦仲卿，不解的）：怎么是易拉罐环呢？
焦仲卿：钻石恒久远，一颗就破产啊！
旁白男：焦仲卿是否愿意娶刘兰芝做妻子？你是否愿意无论是顺境或逆境，富裕或贫穷，健康或疾病，快乐或忧愁，你都将毫无保留地爱她，对她忠诚直到永远？
焦仲卿(一脸幸福)：我愿意。（深情的看向刘兰芝）
旁白男：刘兰芝是否愿意嫁给焦仲卿作为他的妻子，你是否愿意无论是顺境或逆境，富裕或贫穷，健康或疾病，快乐或忧愁，你都将毫无保留地爱他，对他忠诚直到永远？
刘兰芝（一脸幸福）：我愿意。（深情的看向刘兰芝）
旁白：让我以主的名义宣告你们完婚，唯愿你们的日子，天天美好直到地久天长。刘兰芝陶醉状
焦仲卿（拉住刘兰芝）：咱们还是赶紧回家吧，再晚都赶不上二路汽车了！刘兰芝：卿哥，要不咱再来一次吧！小品剧本 焦仲卿把刘兰芝拉走（结束）年会小品剧本大全
年会搞笑小品剧本《四大才子》 公司年会小品剧本《中标》
“ href=”“ target=”_blank">公司年会小品剧本《面子> 公司年会4人幽默小品剧本：《面试》 公司2017年年会小品剧本；四大名著 年会小品剧本；后宫选妃 年会小品剧本：什么情况 年会小品剧本；鬼子进村
公司年会4人小品剧本《人才难得》 公司年会联欢会小品剧本；《三缺一》 年会小品剧本《巅峰对决》 年会小品剧本；大话白蛇传 年会小品剧本《楼市外传》 年会小品剧本；“笑”傲招聘 公司年会小品剧本；四大名著串烧 公司年会搞笑小品剧本 大话西游
公司年会幽默搞笑小品剧本台词：《出乎意料》 年会小品剧本：《新黄世仁与杨白劳》 年会搞笑小品剧本；杜拉拉外传 年会小品剧本台词；麻匪 年会搞笑小品剧本；如此私募 公司年会小品剧本；设计部小事 公司年会小品剧本；《非你不保》 年会多人搞笑小品剧本-皇帝选妃 年会多人搞笑小品剧本-皇帝选妃
公司年会搞笑小品剧本；四大美女论天上人间事 农村题材小品剧本-乡村童话 春节拜年搞笑小品剧本；赵四拜年
公司年会搞笑小品剧本-武林外传·欢天喜地贺新春 公司年会搞笑小品剧本-超级招聘 公司年会小品剧本：光光相亲记 公司年会小品剧本《招聘现场》 医院护理方面题材搞笑小品剧本；理解 交通安全题材喜剧小品剧本；这样的事这样的人 公司年会搞笑小品剧本-天愚超级选秀 年会小品剧本；相亲 年会小品剧本-大话OA传奇
第四篇：英语小品
对白：几年前来中国的外国老师有来到中国执教了，今天她想去逛一下超市，顺便看一下中国的变化。
Vicky: Wow!The city has changed a lot.The flowers are beautiful.The buildings are so high.I want to buy a new skirt for my brother.独白：Vicky外国老师来到了佳乐家超市，进入了卖裙子专区。
Vicky: Hello!
卖家：How do you do?
Vicky: How do you do? I want to buy this skirt.卖家：（赞扬的表情）This skirt is so beautiful.You must buy it for yourself.Vicky: No, no, no.I buy it for my brother as present.卖家：（大笑）哪里会有卖男士裙子的？哈哈哈哈哈哈，还有男的穿裙子啊？？！哈哈哈哈哈
Vicky: No, I’m from Scotland.In my hometown, men have skirts in festivals.卖家：（恍然大悟状）哦，在春晚上，小沈阳就是穿的苏格兰裙子的。Oh，I see.Vicky: That’s it.独白：Vicky 仔细端详了一下裙子
Vicky：This one is great.I’ll buy it.How much is it?
卖家：Five hundred.(卖家包装裙子)This is your skirt and it’s our gift.Welcome to China.独白：经过一上午的购物，到了午饭的时间，Vicky 决定去吃当地的小吃。Vicky 外国老师来到了一处卖我烤肉串的地方。
Vicky(指着一串烤肉)：How much?
店主：哇，来了块大肥肉啊，这老外不知道价格，我要狠狠的宰她一下，哈哈哈（窃喜）Vicky: How much?(动作：伸出一根手指头)
店主： Five Yuan.Vicky: 别人家（动作：指向别的店铺）Two Yuan.YouFive Yuan.It’s expensive.不公平。（用外国人的口音说）
店主：（小声说）（惊奇的表情）这老外居然还懂点汉语啊。
This is my dad’s dad’s dad’s dad’s 烤肉秘方，Delicious , this is delicious very much..这烤肉千里飘香，吃一口保准你想再来一口。
Vicky: Really?? 真的么？？ Deal
店主 包装食品
A few minutes later
独白： Vicky老师捂着肚子，脸色发黄，她回来找店主了。
喜羊羊与灰太狼 主题曲伴奏开始
Vicky 老师唱： 别看我是个老外，我就是一直肥羊，店主是一只灰太狼。
Lilei：(对Vicky 说)I’m a primary school student.What’s wrong with you?
Vicky: I bought the meat, but it makes me sick.I have called a friend to help me.She is going to come here.(做打电话状)
Lilei：（对店主说）我已经看到事情的经过了，你怎么能卖的一样的东西却比别人的贵呢？？而且还有质量问题，这不是丢我们国人的脸么？
店主：（作自夸状）我经营烤肉店数十载，历史悠久，味道独特，当然价格要贵了，还用得着你这个小娃娃来教育我么？？！
独白： Vicky的朋友来了（The friend comes）.Lilei：（惊讶表情）Miss Hou, It’s you!
Miss Hou:(惊讶表情)Lilei，What are you doing here?
Vicky: You know each other?
Miss Hou:(微笑)（对着Vicky说）He is my student.(对lilei说)This is our new teacher.Lilei：我本来要去图书馆的，但是我刚才看到了卖烤肉的店主卖坏的烤肉给这位老师。Miss Hou:(对店主说)How can you do that? 你怎么能做这样的事呢？怎么可以欺骗我们的外国友人呢？
店主 低头，作反思表情
Miss Hou:(对lilei说)You are honest.I take pride of you.店主：(道歉，悔恨的说)I’m sorry about that.I shouldn’t ask a high price for you.I will refund the money.I’m also sorry about the meat.I would like to undertake your lose.Vicky:(原谅的表情)I accept your apology.I also feel your honesty.独白： 店主真诚的向Vicky 老师道歉了，Vicky老师也接受了道歉，同时lilei也发扬了我们中华民族诚信的美德，值得我们大家学习。
Miss Hou, Vicky, lilei鼓掌赞扬店主知错能改。
第五篇：英语小品
（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。本山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。）
(This short play is set in a restaurant named “Scottish Taste / Feel.” Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)赵本山：到了。毛毛：
到了。
赵本山：这就是铁岭最贵的一家饭店。这不，苏格兰调情（tiáo qíng）。毛毛：
爷爷，你念反了，苏格兰情调（qíng diào）。赵本山：啊，情调？就搁这儿吃。毛毛：
爷爷，这家老贵的啦。
赵本山：贵？咱带钱了，带三万多块，那包呢？ 毛毛：
我没拿包啊。赵本山：装钱那包，黄包。毛毛：
完了，让我落炕上了。
赵本山：我说，你这孩子还能办点事吗？！这给你办事，落炕上了还。兜里还有钱吗？ 毛毛：
兜里，多少钱哪才？才70多块钱。赵本山：我还有400。行，够了。毛毛：
这也不能够啊。
赵本山：哎呀，够不够就这样了。服务员！Uncle Zhao Here we are.Yadar
Here we are.Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: “Scottish Tease / Fool.” Yadar
You got it wrongfrom the inside out.Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt? Shenyang
Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style.See, it's no skirt but Capri pants.Look at this, look.Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry.No wonder I feel different while walking.Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah!I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute.You should do you' best.Shenyang
No problem.Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad? Shenyang
Why so / What's wrong? Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.Shenyang
About 10,000 to 20,000.Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow? 小沈阳：打白条儿啊？
赵本山：不是啊，不是打白条，不差钱，有钱。喏。小沈阳：啥意思？ 赵本山：小费。
小沈阳：妈呀，大爷你真敞亮，你太帅了。赵本山：给一百块钱还帅呢。我跟你说这不白给啊。一会儿客人到了，你一定要给足我面子，明白吗？我到点菜的时候，你得替我兜着点。小沈阳：咋兜呢？
赵本山：既把面子给了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要点贵菜......小沈阳：我就说没有呗。
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，你太厉害了。来来来，拿点。再给你30，来。小沈阳：我跟你都明码的哦。赵本山：谢谢。小沈阳：放心吧。
毛毛：
爷爷，我有点饿了。赵本山：饿了？来碗面条。小沈阳：呃，78一碗。赵本山：啥面？这么贵。小沈阳：苏格兰打卤面。赵本山：是不是卤子贵？ 小沈阳：卤不要钱。
赵本山：那就来碗卤子，先尝尝咸淡。快去，快去。小沈阳：妈呀，没这么上过呀。
赵本山：那是我没来，我要来，你早就这么上了。去吧去吧。小沈阳：这老爷子，我要说面条不要钱，要面条了你还。Shenyang
You'll give me an IOU? Uncle Zhao Not that.I've got the money anyway.Take this.Shenyang
What's it? Uncle Zhao A tip for you.Shenyang
You do understand people / things / the world, sirZhujun!Oh sorry.Bai Yansong? Oh no.Or a Bi something!Are you Mr.Bi? CCTV Man I'm Bi Fujian.Shenyang
Come here everyone, it`s Mr.Bi here.(To CCTV Man)Why are you hanging out here, sir? Hurry up!Come here!He can go elsewhere at any minute.Uncle Zhao Whut the hell's going on? Anythin' to be so fussy abut? You're being hounded by a wolf? Shenyang
He's Mr.Bi...Uncle Zhao I know, an' he's the guest I'm honored to keep comp'ny today.Shenyang
Gosh, can I have a picture taken with you, Mr.Bi? Uncle Zhao(to Shenyang)Wait, wait.(To CCTV Man)Welc'me, Mr.Bi.CCTV Man Nice to meet you.Uncle Zhao I've been waitin' all this time for you.CCTV Man Thanks a lot really.May I have your name please? Uncle Zhao Which man did you expect to see? CCTV Man I'm looking for Zhao Tiezhu, chief of Lotus Township's cultural center.Uncle Zhao You got it.Here's his daddy and I'm...Yadar
Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.Uncle Zhao An' I'm Tiezhu's daddy.Aren't you lookin' for a dad...I mean it's right to be looking my way.CCTV Man Hi, daddy...I mean buddy.So where's your son? Uncle Zhao He's at the township waitin' for you.Local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you.With enormous care they've prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the middle.Flowers all around.CCTV Man What're the colors of the flowers, buddy? Uncle Zhao They're all in white and yellow.Lots of folks' waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin' all over.CCTV Man Why's that? Uncle Zhao They're excited.CCTV Man Let's go there, then.Uncle Zhao The center asked me to feast you here in town first.How abut that? 3rd 毕福剑：在这儿吃饭？
赵本山：这是铁岭最贵的，你来吧。
毕福剑：别别，大爷，不，老哥，我在飞机上吃了。
赵本山：那客随主便，好不好？给你怎么安排你就听话，来来。小沈阳：毕老师，你不给照个相吗？毕老师。毕福剑：你是男服务员？ 小沈阳：嗯哪。
毕福剑：长得挺委婉的。
赵本山：我刚开始来就误会了，你说哪有这打扮，哎呀妈呀。坐，刚到是吧？ 毕福剑：刚到，刚到。赵本山：咱是老乡。毕福剑：是吗？
赵本山：你不是大连人吗？ 毕福剑：对对，大连人。赵本山：你住哪儿？
毕福间
我住大连老鳖湾。
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，有亲戚，孩子她姥爷也在老鳖湾，也姓毕。毕福剑：你姥爷叫毕什么？ 毛毛：
毕门庭。
毕福剑：你姥爷打麻将肯定是高手。赵福剑：咋的？ 毕福剑：闭门听嘛。
赵本山：正好你叫闭门炮。
CCTV Man Why here? Uncle Zhao Here we've got the best restaurant in Tieling.Do c'me this way please.CCTV Man But I've had my meal on the plane.Uncle Zhao You're my guest, so please follow my arrangements.Shenyang
A picture of the two of us, please.CCTV Man(to Shenyang)You're...a male waiter? Shenyang
Yup.CCTV Man
You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came.How funny he is dressin' up like this? Sit down here.Did you enjoy your trip? CCTV Man Yes, quite.Uncle Zhao We mus' be fellow townsmen.CCTV Man
Are we? Uncle Zhao Ain`t you from Dalian? CCTV Man Sure.Uncle Zhao Which part? CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.Uncle Zhao Where her mummy's daddy used to live, too.So we're even relatives.CCTV Man(to Yadar)What`s his name? Yadar
Bi Menting.CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.Uncle Zhao Why? CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.Uncle Zhao That matches you' nickname “Bi Mengpao,” as you're a mahjong man you'self.毕福剑：我叫毕福剑。
赵本山：这也是的，没准儿都......实在......哎呀，这一笑，你看看，多像你姥爷临走那张照片。毛毛：
爷爷，你快看，不笑更像。毕福剑：我今儿个躲不开了。
赵本山：孩子这一辈子，跟爷爷不行，就跟姥爷亲。姥爷临走把她哭完了。快认姥爷。毛毛：
姥爷好。
毕福剑：别别别，起起......。大过年的，你要来这个，我得给你压岁钱了。赵本山：不用，不用。哎呀，这家伙，来......小沈阳：毕老师，你给我照个相呗。
赵本山：这没吃饭呢，你先揣起来。点菜，快点。小沈阳：照完再点呗。赵本山：点完再照。小沈阳：要跑了呢？ 赵本山：。谁跑啊？毕老师都低调来的，你别跟人这样说。她姥爷，这都......实在亲戚，你就点吧。
毕福剑： 不不不，咱随便吃点饭就可以了。您来，您来。
赵本山： 现在咱家都富了，农民生活跟过去不一样了。你就铆劲儿吃，你说吃能吃多少钱哪。我点。
毕福剑：随便来。
赵本山：澳洲鲍鱼四只。小沈阳：对不起，没有。
毕福剑：算了，别点那么贵的。你往下来。赵本山：四斤的龙虾。
小沈阳：对不起，没那么大的。
CCTV Man Just Bi Fujian.Uncle Zhao Yeah, whut an...well, I'm really...(To Yadar)Look, he smiles like the last picture of you' dead grandpa.Yadar
Look, even more like it when he doesn't.CCTV Man So I'm hopeless either way.Uncle Zhao The girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me.Sort of cried her heart out when he died.Say hello to you' new grandpa.Yadar
(kneeling down / with a kowtow)How do you do, grandpa.CCTV Man Don't, please.It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should've given you some gift money.Uncle Zhao Don't bother with that, sir.You're indeed...Shenyang
We haven`t had our picture taken, sir.Uncle Zhao(to Shenyang)We haven't ordered our dishes yet.Put this damn' thing away.We'll see whut to eat first.C'me.Shenyang
Just one picture, please.Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first.Shenyang
What if he runs away after the meal? Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr.Bi's a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin' to give us folks a chance.Don't you say a thing like that.(To CCTV Man)I'm whut they call a “country pumpkin,” my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest.So you please order the dishes.CCTV Man Don't be too polite.You do it.Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before.Eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway.Please give me the menu.CCTV Man
Don't be extravagant, buddy.Uncle Zhao
Australian abalones, four.Shenyang
Sorry, they're out of stock.CCTV Man Too expensive anyway.Let's move on down.Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.Shenyang
Sorry, nothing that big.4th 赵本山：有多大的？ 小沈阳：有一斤多的。
赵本山：一斤多的......有吗？ 赵本山：有......还是没有啊？
赵本山：这个......我跟你说，有没有，这是你开的店呢，你还不明白？这不差钱。小沈阳：哦......那没有。
毕福剑：下边我看看，鱼翅就更别点了。
赵本山： 鱼翅有也别吃了，我吃鱼翅有一回就卡住了，后来用馒头噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到医院用镊子拿出来的。不吃那玩意儿。毕福剑： 他也没有。
赵本山： 你这酒店怎么要啥啥没有呢？干什么玩意儿吃的？这毕老师容易来一趟？把你老板找来
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：你就记住一个没有了，是不？老板。小沈阳：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。赵本山：上哪儿去了？ 小沈阳：不知道。
赵本山：啥玩意儿呀你？你说吃啥呀？ 毕福剑：来点儿家常便饭。民间的。
赵本山：民间的是吧？来民间的吧，孩子，来个小野鸡炖蘑菇。小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：这个可以有。小沈阳：这个......真没有。
Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have? Shenyang
Half a kilo each.Uncle Zhao Somethin' you really have? Shenyang
Yes we do...or no? Uncle Zhao C'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here.Don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? I'll ne'er shortchange you.Shenyang
So no, we haven't got lobsters.CCTV Man Let me have a look.Even less need for ordering shark's fin.Uncle Zhao I won't.Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat.I tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar.It didn't work, though.I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers.So, sharp stuff jus' won't do.CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway.Uncle Zhao This restaurant's got nothin' to serve.You've wasted you' chance to make customers happy.A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr.Bi.Where's you' boss? Get him here.Shenyang
No boss, sir.Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well? Shenyang
Well...the boss is out.Uncle Zhao Where's he? Shenyang
No idea.Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then? CCTV Man Just something homely.Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then.A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.Shenyang
I'm sorry, sir.Uncle Zhao That's whut you can have.Shenyang
Something we really don't have.赵本山：我给你带来了啊，咱有。来，丫蛋，把这拿来。哎呀，多亏带来了。毕福剑：老哥......赵本山：我是给你往北京带的，现在你拿不走了，赶紧得在这儿吃了。毕福剑
野山鸡不能吃。
赵本山：这是家养的。都是野蘑菇。把这个炖了，高压锅啊，时间长点，来。好了，这儿有一个菜了。来，笨蛋。小沈阳：你说谁笨蛋？！
赵本山：不是，我说再点个笨鸡蛋。小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：我有。这样......毕福剑：老哥......赵本山：这鸡蛋和大葱一炒。
毕福剑：你怎么下一趟饭店，材料都自己备？
赵本山：不是，他没有啊，问题是。给他钱都没处找去。几个菜了？俩了，这样吧，给你们点机会。毕老师来一回，你们饭店表示不？
小沈阳： 赠送一个呗。哎呀妈呀，大爷你咋这么抠呢？你说你一个没点，完了我们还得搭一个，啊？
赵本山：我说小伙子，咱们不是一个没点。我点完之后，鲍鱼、龙虾你都没有。小沈阳：有没有，你心里还没数吗？ 赵本山：我有啥数，你不是说没有吗？
小沈阳： 别说话了。一说万一要有，咋整啊？ 赵本山： 你到底有没有？这差钱还是咋的？
Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought.Get it here, Yadar.Lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands.CCTV Man No, buddy...Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin'.As you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now.CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption.Uncle Zhao This one's grown at home.Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done.So far we've got one dish ready.C'me here, dumb bell.Shenyang
What did you say? Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg.Shenyang
We don't have any, sir!Uncle Zhao I do.All right...CCTV Man Buddy...Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant? Uncle Zhao They've got no stuff like this here.Not even if you're willin' to pay.See, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine!(To Shenyang)Now I'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with Mr.Bi here.Shenyang
We'll serve one dish for free.You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy.But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters? Shenyang
Is it up to me to say yes? Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!Shenyang
Cut it out, sir.If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next? Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money.5th 小沈阳：我知道大爷不差钱。我的意思，毕老师好容易来一回，咱吃喝不能在乎钱，大爷。你看我今年岁数小，但是我总结了，人这一生其实可短暂了，有时候一想，跟睡觉是一样一样的。眼睛一闭，一睁，一天过去了；眼睛一闭，不睁，这辈子就过去了。毕福剑：小伙子，精辟。赵本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。小沈阳：大爷，我没别的意思。赵本山：你啥意思？
小沈阳：我的意思，人不能把钱看得太重了。钱乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么？
赵本山：嗯？
小沈阳：人死了，钱没花了。
赵本山：人这一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么吗？ 小沈阳：啥呀？
赵本山：是人活着呢，钱没了。不差钱，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。小沈阳：哎，好嘞。赵本山：这孩子。
小沈阳：这一天......这也太抠了。
赵本山：他姥爷，这菜呢，得做一会儿。你看看丫蛋来了，这孩子从小就是一身的艺术细菌哪。毕福剑：艺......艺术细胞。
赵本山：给看看，能不能上你的大道。毕福剑：她......赵本山：才艺，那是了不得。
毕福剑：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到这儿来，就是为了让您孙女上我们《星光大道》。赵本山：可不是嘛，它有这么个关系。毕福剑：哦，那她都......会点什么？
赵本山：来吧，给姥爷表示表示。服务员，拿麦克。有卡拉OK的麦克吗？拿来。站好了。
Shenyang
This I know, sir, but with Mr.Bi here, perhaps only for once, can't you stop being so stingy? I am still young, but I see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep.Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over.Eyes closed but never opened againbecause I've found my grandpa.Grandpa's great, he can take me to the Star Splashed Walkway.CCTV Man Starlight Broadway.Uncle Zhao Starlight Broadway.Yadar
Broadway or whatever, I'm grateful to grandpa for this chance.I'll be very thankful if you can take me to your Broadway.I'll thank your ancestors...I mean I'll thank you on behalf of my own ancestors of long, long years ago.I won't forget this great favor you've done me.I owe this new life of mine to you.I'll go on chasing you even after I die to become a ghost.CCTV Man(to Uncle Zhao)Grandpa...I mean you.The way she spoke sort of upset me.Uncle Zhao Eh...I guess she jus' wants to revenge you...CCTV Man Is that so? Uncle Zhao No, I mean to repay you.Or reimburse you or whute'er.One should repay those who've generously helped him or her.When the girl becomes famous, she really shouldn`t forget you.(To Yadar)Go ahead and sing.CCTV Man Can she sing a song? Uncle Zhao Sing “The Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau” by Li Guyi.Yadar
It`s by Li Na.Uncle Zhao Whoe'er it is.6th 毛毛现场演唱《青藏高原》。）毛毛：
“是谁带来远古的呼唤？
是谁留下千年的期盼......” 赵本山：中间的不用唱了，最后那个。哦哟啦，那个。毛毛：
“......那就是青藏高原。” 毕福剑：年龄不大，嗓门真高。
赵本山：来来，再长一个调儿。“那就......”。毛毛：
爷爷，卤子有点吃咸了。（小沈阳忍俊不禁）毕福剑：好好。
赵本山：还有呢？后面连哭带唱的。毕福剑：等一下。赵本山：连哭带说。
毕福剑：老哥，我问一下，连哭带说是什么节目？ 赵本山：就后面“我家庭怎么困难，怎么不容易”那段。毕福剑：不不，那叫获奖感言。《星光大道》都是真人真事。你这还没有上北京，没参加《星光大道》，就获奖感言了。赵本山：这关系，另外这条件，她不获奖能行吗？他姥爷在这儿，我还没底吗？来来来，哭，哭。这孩子可厉害了。差仨数，她马上就哭。一、二、三--哭！毛毛：
咋哭？
赵本山：哭啊，丫蛋，在家哭那么快，真完蛋了。毛毛：
明儿也哭不出来。
赵本山：不跟姥爷有感情吗？来，看姥爷，姥爷照片在这儿。毛毛：
呜呜，嘻嘻，嘻嘻。赵本山：完蛋了，笑什么！
毛毛：
太有了意思了，哪照片呀这。
毕福剑：不说了，不说了。才艺很不错，唱得很不错。Yadar
(starting to sing)
“Ah, who brings here the earnest call of remote antiquity?
Ah, who leaves behind the expectations of the millennium?”
Uncle Zhao Skip the middle part and move on to the final climax.(Trying to imitate)Yo-la-la.See? Yadar
“...That's Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau，The highland of my soul!” CCTV Man What a high pitch you've got for your age.Uncle Zhao Push higher up.Like this.Yadar
Grandpa, the sauce's hurt my voice a bit.(Shenyang giggles again)CCTV Man(to Yadar)That's enough.Uncle Zhao Next, the game of ravin' in tears after the show.CCTV Man Wait a minute.Uncle Zhao Gabbling between sobs.CCTV Man What exactly? Uncle Zhao Like “I'm from a poor family an' life's been extra hard for me.” CCTV Man Not that yet.Hold it off till after she's got an award in Beijing.The Starlight Broadway's about what people actually experience in real life.They're not supposed to act things out beforehand.Uncle Zhao See whut support she's got an' how truly marvelous she is at singin'? It'd be funny if she goes there without winnin'!With you her grandpa here, I've got nothin' to worry about.(To Yadar)C'me on, Yadar.Show Grandpa Bi how you cry.(Back to CCTV Man)The girl's fantastic.You only count to t'ree and she'll sure break down.(Back to Yadar)One, two, t'reethe click rate is just fuckin' high.The girl with the cyber name “Yadar” is her.CCTV Man
So she's the Yadar netizens're talking so much about? Uncle Zhao
Sure.毕福剑：太好了。你马上上菜，今天这顿饭我包了，我请客。丫蛋，你明天跟着大哥一起去北京，上《星光大道》。你们搞一个组合，就叫“不差钱”。毛毛：
我也能去了？ 毕福剑：可以啊。毛毛：
谢谢姥爷。小沈阳：谢谢姥爷。
赵本山：我跟你说，毕老师，你们《星光大道》不是百姓舞台吗？谁都可以参与嘛。他们都要了，把我也接收得了呗。
毕福剑：搜狐网上也有您的名字？
赵本山：你点一下试试呗。另外，我有个重要秘密没跟您透露。毕福剑：什么秘密？
赵本山：其实我姥爷也姓毕。（演员谢幕）
CCTV Man
Fantastic!(To Shenyang)Serve the meal quick.It's going to be my treat today-I'll pay the bill.And Yadar, you go off to Beijing tomorrow along with Shenyang, and join the rest of us there at Starlight Broadway.The two of you shall team up and prepare a comic piece with the title “Got the Money Anyway.” Yadar
Can I really go? CCTV Man Of course.Yadar
Thank you, grandpa.Shenyang
Thank you, grandpa.Uncle Zhao Dear in-law, I know the Starlight Broadway's a stage for common people to play on.If you can take the two youngsters with you, why can't you take me too? CCTV Man Are you famous, too, on the internet? Uncle Zhao You can click an' see.An' there's a little secret I haven't told you yet.CCTV Man What's it? Uncle Zhao My maternal grandpa, too, was surnamed Bi.(The entire cast exeunt after courteously bowing to the audience.)
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