第一篇：舞台话剧剧本--《拍小品》
拍小品
演员表:邓敏—抢劫的谭雷—单身石彪—唐僧郑学林—导演彭敏—书生张品—过场雕塑—贺蒋
角色（单身，书生，抢劫的，唐僧，导演，雕塑，过场的）
单身：（唱着单身情歌出场）
汽车渴望公路，花草渴望雨露，灵魂渴望超度，心灵渴望归宿，而我则迫切渴望著有个媳妇。
众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。时间犹如脱兔，匆匆不肯停步。
转眼就把我拖到了该当爹妈的岁数。
导演：咔咔咔……那个雕塑，你怎么在那里动来动去啊！这谁找的跑龙套的啊，也要找一个专业一点的嘛！
雕塑：导演，其实，我是一个非常专业的演员，我想把这个雕塑演得活一点，赋
与它一点灵性，以便能够衬托主角的心情。
导演：（不相信）专业是吧！你？做个紧张的表情看看
雕塑：（若有所思）就紧张来说，可以有好几种。
导演：在医院等老婆生孩子的那种啦。
雕塑：（表演）
导演：儿子出世。
雕塑：（表演）
导演：老婆死了
雕塑：（表演）
导演：儿子天才，会叫爸爸。
雕塑：（表演）
导演：鸡鸡长在头上，畸形。
雕塑：（表演）
导演：中六合彩……还是头奖！
雕塑：（表演）
导演：儿子死了。
（翻白眼，昏过去）
导演：老婆醒了。
（无反应）
导演：喂！老婆醒了！
雕塑：没有啦，一个人要是受了太大的打击，就会进入精神官能的休克状态。不
会再有反应了
导演：我靠，这也叫专业，看看我们专业的，（突然一声）一枪毙命！单身：（表演）
导演：两枪！
单身：（表演）
导演：三枪！
单身：（表演）
导演：128枪！
单身：（表演）
导演: 我告诉你，还能加！
单身：不能再加了，再加就成鱼网了。
导演：给我认真点，再动，盒饭都没得吃了！
雕塑：知道了，知道了！
单身：然而上天却挺可恶，对我不管不顾。把我培养的庸庸碌碌，难以获得少女的爱慕。我曾向月老求助，求他将我单身的生涯结束。而他给予我的眷顾，竟是接踵而至的恶女和怨妇。
比起她们的飞扬跋扈，以及对我精神上的无情戮屠，我更愿意选择让步，甘心走向黄泉之路。无助，无助。
书生：（深情朗诵）离离原上草，一岁一枯
荣。举头望明月，低头思故乡。
孩子，不要伤心，我当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨^^^^^^^^^^^淹死啦。所以自古痴情多波薄命，看开一点，千万别在一棵树上吊死，可以到周围的树上都试几次。
单身：我试过了，他妈的，现在生态真是太不好了，每次上吊刚一上去，树枝就断了，没一根牢靠一点的。
书生：原来是这样的，孩子啊，爱情不能当
饭吃，你要觉悟啊！爱情是短暂的，只有知识才是长久的！你看我，没事我就喜欢做诗，这迷人的夜晚，令我诗性大发：啊，天上的星星挤密呀密！在乌漆吗黑中，我寻了她千度百度，可她却在灯火阑珊处！(长沙方言)单身：恶不恶心啊！思想有多远，你就给我滚多远，如果婚姻是爱情的坟墓，那么我期待有一个人把我埋了。只有爱情才能使我思想觉悟。
打劫的：钱可以买房子但买不到家，可以买婚姻但买不到爱情，可以买钟表但买
不到时间，钱不是一切，反而是痛苦的根源。把你的钱给我，让我一个人承担痛苦把！打打……打劫，IP ,IC,IQ卡，通通告诉我密码，那那……那个拿书的，别以为拿着本书就当自己是读书人，别看我表面上是个打劫的，其实我是个研究生，把你的人民币都给我！
书生：美圆可以吗？
打劫的：听听……听不懂中国话吗，我说人民币真是没文化！把我的杀猪刀拿来，我看你是不见点血不相信我是打劫的。
导演：（递上一把小剪刀）
打劫的：有没有搞——错，我要杀猪刀啊！
导演：哦，你也知道啦，全球经济危机，经济不景气啊，实在是没钱买杀猪刀了，你就凑合着用吧。
打劫的：（对着雕塑）看什么看，没看见过长得这么帅的啊！就叫我朝伟吧，虽
然歌唱得像学友~
雕塑：按猪的审美观，你基本算得上是个帅哥~
打劫的：（对着单身）诶，给点面子好不好，在打劫了！
单身！：打劫了不起啊,我是单身我怕谁
唐僧：我最烦你们这些打劫的，一点技术含量都没有！其实我知道你打劫还只不
过是一个构思，还没有成为事实，其实你的潜台词是，你并不想打劫，何不早些放下屠刀，立地成佛了.打劫的：我不想成佛，你从哪冒出来的，不想活了是吧！
唐僧：我是从东土大唐来的，去西天取经的。
打劫的：我靠！你就是传说中的唐僧。
唐僧：如假包换！（夺过打劫的剪刀）
打劫的：姓唐的，你把刀还我！，唐僧：你想要啊？你要是想要的话你就说话嘛，你不说我怎么知道你想要呢，虽
然你很有诚意地看着我，可是你还是要跟我说你想要的。你真的想要吗？你想要你就说嘛,你不说我怎么知道你想要呢?不可能你说你想要我却不给你,你不想要却偏要给你,大家讲道理嘛.那你就拿去吧！你不是真的想要吧？难道你真的想要吗？……
打劫的：我受不了了！给你一百块钱，我不打劫了！
唐僧：这就对了吗！（面向书生）
书生：我自觉（碰墙而死）
唐僧：（面向单身）佛家有云，爱人是种无奈，被爱是种姿态（指着雕塑），等爱
是种期待，无爱是种能耐。你又何必为爱迷惑了！
（路人走上场）
导演：咔咔……咔，那里那个人干什么吃的，有没有社会公德心，不知道我们在拍小品啊！
路人：我只说三句话，包括上面那一句，我的话说完了(下场)
导演：神精病！继续演，继续演，刚刚那只是花絮哦！
单身自杀）：我喝水只喝纯净水，牛奶只喝纯牛奶，我如此单纯……为什么我只
能在这里在唱单身情歌！我死意已决，和尚，你不要劝我了（在墙上刻下几个字：“此人已死，有事请扒我坟”从唐僧手里夺过剪刀，唐僧：哎，问世间情为何物，只叫人生死相随啊！……没想到这么容易就弄到
100块钱，先去买碗光头粉，再去洗个桑拿，然后再换个老婆，呵呵……
（谢幕）
第二篇：生活小品剧本:关怀(话剧)
文章标题：生活小品剧本:关怀(话剧)
时间：当代。
地点:人家。
人物：父亲五十多岁__财会函授学校某函授站学员简称：父
女儿二十多岁__财会函授学校某函授站教师简称：女
【幕启。人家。台中置一桌数椅。桌上摆一打开了的笔记本电脑。
父（两鬓斑白，拎一破旧的算盘，自言自语地上）不信把
你还没办法了！（坐在电脑前，戴上老花镜，眼看屏幕目不转睛，手拨算盘快指如飞）想难住我__，没门！一万三千四百六十九圆整。这不照样算出来了嘛！
把结果给他输进合计里。（操作电脑一副笨拙的样子）妥了！作业完成了！关掉这个篮叉叉！（如释重负。举手，张嘴，伸懒腰，美美松了一口气）劳逸结合，空当接龙，这下该玩玩扑克牌牌了。（玩电脑游戏）你给我上去！你也给我上去！我把你都挪开，这下你也该上去了！啊！什么？‘你已经走投无路赶快投降吧！’。唉！太急了！闹坏了！重来！
女（戴近视眼镜，风风火火地上。敲‘门’。）
父来了，来了！（开‘门’）谁啊？啊！是你！
女（急进）怎么样？这几天的课都听懂了吗？
父报告班主任老师，听懂了。
女笔记都做了没有？
父报告班主任老师，全做了。
女作业都完成了没有？
父报告班主任老师，全完成了。
女那么，我特别给你布置的家庭作业做了没有？
父报告班主任老师，全做了。
女那好！我检查一下。
父不用检查了。做了，绝对没错！不用检查了。
女不检查怎么能知道你做的对错？（向电脑走去）
父（抢上前去，急忙拿起算盘藏在身后。）
女（操作电脑）啊！怎么又玩起游戏来了！你怎么这么不听话！太没出息！
父作业做完了，那也该允许人活动活动嘛！所以就……
女什么所以！我来问你，你为什么要参加财会函授学习？
父报告班主任老师参加财会函授学习，一是能使用电脑记帐，二是可以学会
使用电脑。
女通过参加财会函授学习你有何收获？
父收获可大了！通过参加财会函授学习，我增长了见识，更新了知识，尤其
是电脑做起帐来科学、方便、快捷。能极大地提高工作效率。电脑比人厉
害多了！一不小心你就走投无路了。只好乖乖投降了！人咋都闹不过脑！
女啊！游戏，游戏！别提游戏好不好？为了你能学好电算课程，不在同学面
前丢人！我专门给你买了一套高配置的笔记本电脑。难道是让你来玩游戏的？你知道吗？电脑游戏毁了多少青少年？
父报告班主任老师，我今年五十五岁了。
女不管多少岁，要知道，网络是个双刃剑，把握不好……
父报告班主任老师，网已经安装好一个多月了。上网我还没学会。因为你太
忙，还没顾得上教我。
女噢，对了。这届函授班刚开学，我确实有点儿忙。这拨学员里老同志多，学起电脑来有些吃力。教起来更吃力。等我理顺了以后，闲下来再教你！
父你啥时候才能闲下来？
女噢，快了快了！听话，别着急，噢！好了，这个问题暂不讨论了。还是看
看你的家庭作业完成的咋样。啊！怎么？你压根就没做！这总计一栏怎么
是空的？
父我明明做了！结果是一万三千四百六十九圆整。不信，你求出来看。
女（操作电脑）结果是没错！噢，对了！你是不是做出来以后没有保存？
父对对对，我忘了保存了。
女这怎么能随便忘了呢？课堂上我再三强调，保存是电算中关键的关键！
父哎呀，我记住了！下次改正还不行吗？
女不行，你必须马上重新做一遍！以防下次再错了！
父错不了！一万三千四百六十九圆整，我拨拉过的数字这辈子还没错过一次
呢！要不，能多次荣获市级县级比赛一等奖吗？
女啊！这么说你又是用算盘算的？
父（支支吾吾）没有！我就是用那个篮叉叉算的？（背手）
女什么篮叉叉！那叫‘易可赛而’！
父噢，就是用那个一可赛二算的？
女你咋算的！
父那还用说！一个一个加起来的呗！
女胡说！点击求和公式一次就算出来了，用的着一个一个往起加吗？你分明
是用算盘算出来的还不承认！太令人失望了！
父（支支吾吾）没有！
女你怎么越来越不像样子了！竟然说起谎来了！你手里拿的啥？伸出来我看。
父（伸左藏右，伸右藏左）你看，什么也没有！
女你把两只手都伸出来！
父（拿出算盘，尴尬异常）
女那是什么？
父（难为情地将算盘灰溜溜地放在地下）
女（气急败坏地）太不象话了！太没出息了！太令人失望了！电脑面前用算
盘，开什么国际玩笑！直接把丢人当喝凉水！一万多块钱的电脑难道买来
是让你这样糟践的吗？啊！我这当班主任教电脑的老师连你都教不好！你
让我怎么去教别人！啊！你能不能
理解理解我，啊！你能不能关怀关怀
我，啊！一万多的电脑啊！为了啥？啊！你对得起我吗？啊！我容易吗？
啊！
父（忍无可忍，怒火中烧）你给我住嘴！你对得起老子吗？这世上哪有这样
把老爸逮住像三孙子一样训斥的女儿？啊！你不容易噢？为了把你们拉扯
大，害怕后娘跟前受委屈，老子我打了十几年的光棍。我容易吗？啊！
我怎么不理解你了？看着你们招生困难心急如焚四处奔波的狼狈样儿，我费
尽口舌动员我那帮老同行朋友都去参加你们的函授班学习，给你们捧场。
连老子我这快退休的人了也不例外，这还不够关怀吗？啊！对别人你是和
颜悦色不厌其烦耐心辅导！什么‘棒极了’、‘你真聪明’、‘太好了’，比
你亲爸还亲！对老子你动不动就是‘太没出息呀’、‘真不争气呀’、‘太不
象话呀’，横眉冷对！你对得起我吗？
女爸，你别生气！我错了！我意识到了，我对您的关怀是不够！今后……
父少提关怀！你不配！你满脑子全是你的函授辅导站，你心里啥时候还有
‘老爸’两个字！
女爸，你别生气！我心里咋能没有您呢？为了使您能有一个幸福的晚年，女
儿已经开始付诸行动了！
父不就孝敬老子一个破电脑吗？张口一万多，闭口一万多！受够了！现在就
搬回你们家去！老子不希罕！（上前欲搬电脑，不小心踩着算盘，踉踉跄
跄差点儿倒地。算盘珠子溅落一地。忙捂嘴）
女（忙搀扶，焦急地）爸，你没事吧？
父（一手捂嘴，一手比划……)
女好好好！我来打扫！爸，您真的没事吧？
父（摆手示意）
女我明白，我马上打扫！（急下）
父（弯腰寻找假牙，伏地钻入桌下）
女（拎扫箸簸萁上。见父倒地大惊）爸——！（扔下扫箸簸萁，扑到父身上
大哭）爸，您怎么了？爸，您说话呀！爸，我错了！都怪我！您说话呀！
爸……您说话呀！（痛哭流涕）
父（突然站起，揉嘴安假牙）
女爸，你说话呀！
父假牙掉了，怎么说？
女爸，你刚才是怎么绊倒在桌子底下的？
父不是绊倒的，是我钻在桌子下面找牙来着！别哭了！老爸没事！好好的！
女（手捂胸口，紧张异常）
父别紧张！爸真的没事！好好的，你放心！
女爸，我一定要好好孝敬您，我向您保证。今后，我再都不惹您生气了！我要好好地关怀您。我一定要让您过上幸福的晚年。我保证！
父行了行了！少给老子开空头支票！情领了！戏该收场了！
女爸，真的，我发誓！我一定要……
父越说越来劲了！行了行了！以后没事带着孩子常来陪陪老爸，老爸就感谢
不尽了！哎，今儿一晌午都没见你的鬼影子。你上哪儿去了？
女我去康姨家了！
父哪个康姨？
女康冬梅康阿姨！
父（眼睛一亮，顿来精神！）啊！（故作矜持状）噢，去辅导你康姨电脑去
了吧。
女我康姨才不用人辅导呢！人家早就学会了。人家不但学会了课堂上的知识
还通过看书钻研自己学会了上网。今天是我康姨的生日，有好多网友都给
我康姨发来了生日贺信、贺卡！
父都是些男的还是些女的？
女男的女的都有。
父都多大年龄了。（急状）
女爸，您啊，等我把地收拾一下再说。
父不收拾了，不收拾了！等会儿爸自己收拾！
女算盘珠子撒了一地，万一把您滑倒咋办？我可就您这么一个爸，这不收拾
太危险了！
父好好好你收拾你收拾！哎，有没有老头子给你康姨送生日礼物的？
女（边收拾边回答）爸，你问这干啥？
父（难为情地）噢，随便问问，随便问问！（自言自语）唉！您瞧我这记
性，真不中用！怎么能把这么重要的事情竟给忘了！真不中用！
女（将垃圾装进垃圾袋儿）爸，您把啥重要事情给忘了？
父啊！噢，噢。（支支吾吾）随便说说，随便说说！其实，也没啥重要事
情。
女别装了。知父莫如女，你的重要事情女儿早就知道了！
父你知道什么呀！本来就没什么嘛！你又能知道什么？
女算了吧！您的重要事情嘛，就是想给康姨送给生日礼物，对吗？
父啊！你咋知道这……尽胡说！送什么礼物！你就是想送人家，人家还未必
收呢。万一人家不收那不是自讨无趣吗？老爸才不会干那样的傻事呢。
女爸，您错了！我已经替您给康姨送了一个大花篮，可把我康姨高兴坏了。
父真的？
女可不。
父你康姨没说点儿啥？
女说了，她说您为什么不亲自来送。
父你怎么回答的？
女我说您正忙着学电脑，钻研‘易可赛而’。
父好好好！这样回答很好。你真是爸的乖孩子。噢，你康姨还说啥了？
女我康姨说她这辈子最佩服的人就是您了。说您执着、上进、聪明、好学。
参加珠算比赛每次都得第一名。人家一直比不过您，所以人家很佩服！
父（得意非凡）那她永远也不是你老爸的对手。
女不过人家还说了。这次和您一块儿参加__财会函授学习，在电算方面
人家一定要超过你！
父休想！她想先超过我，然后再看不起我，没门！
女人家又没看不起您！人家是看不起那些不思进取，啥都不懂，成天只会在电脑上玩扑克游戏的人。
父你没告诉她我也玩扑克牌牌的事吧？
女没有。我说我爸才不是那样的人。一有空儿，我爸就钻研电算课程。
父这就好！不过有些名不副实，不好意思，不好意思！丫头，闲话不说！赶
快教老爸电脑，爸今儿就要学会那个一可赛二。快过来，教老爸。
女对不起！今天没空儿，改日吧。
父没空儿没空儿，老爸一用你，你就没空儿。你心里到底还有没有我这个老
爸！
女对不起！眼下，有一件非常重要的事情必须要办！
父什么重要的事情，难道比你老爸学电脑的事情还重要吗？
女是的。学电脑改日吧。
父你今儿要是不给我教电脑，敢离开这屋子半步，从今后我就没你这个女
儿！你敢离开！你离开我瞧一瞧！
女爸，不但我要离开而且你也必须马上离开。
父你啥意思？
女今天是我康姨的生日，我和你女婿商量好了。咱们一块儿去酒店里给我康
姨过个生日。饭局早就订好了。说不定这会儿我康姨已经早就到了。
父哎呀！你咋不早说！等一等。老爸赶快换身衣服。
女爸，不用换了。你女婿早就给你准备好了。名牌西服。赶快打的到我家去
换！
父好好好。那快走.(急走几步，突然返身）等等！差一点儿把一件重要的事情给忘了。
女啥事儿？
父（拎起垃圾袋儿，面对观众大声地）告别珠算，迎接挑战，学会电脑，永
远不叫她康姨小看！
女爸，快走！（二人边说边笑边下）
幕落！
二○○五年六月四日创作于家中
二○○五年八月九日修改于家中
《生活小品剧本:关怀(话剧)》来源于xiexiebang.com，欢迎阅读生活小品剧本:关怀(话剧)。
第三篇：英语小品话剧 剧本 爱丽丝
第一幕 场景：郊外的树下
人物: Ailisi（爱丽丝）,Mr.rabbit（兔子先生）Below are the Chinese first episode:
Voice Over: A long time ago, the ancient city spread of a legend, if it is pure lovely girl, to the outskirts of the tree holes Nake a tree fell asleep, they would have a rabbit to Mr.Dai Taqu to the Dream Wonderland, met the Prince of Dreams……
Alice: the so-called innocent lovely girl like me-not that such a person? » I see a white Yiqun, such as the lovely spring-like appearance ~ ~ ~ ~ ah so cute I am innocent, that we will see the dream of Prince ~!That, overnight yesterday, the Internet really Xiangshui, or to sleep!
Rabbit: Finally released rumors that the United States can bring to young girls to dream profession, but throughout the year to the company are all women is not the Chou Baguai Fenbuqingchu, I rare tourist to the outside to say, also would like to see beauty Yes it »
Rabbit: ah, this looks to today also good, it is my holiday is coming to an end, luck's nice to be a little flimsy TU………… but the point better.Alice: ah!Groping!Rabbit: You say what » Have you seen this Fengdupianpian handsome潇洒of groping? »
Alice: still open to doubt, will lie outside the………… However you look at the long lines also were on the calculations.I dream profession is to wait for the rabbit, took me to see Prince, you are here to do »
Rabbit: You have to wait for the people that I.Alice: ruse!You do not have rabbit ears!
Rabbit: You see…… like this one…… face such a hairstyle, the clothes, so long in the ear with it »
Alice: is indeed very strange……
Rabbit: So those who do not care about the details, it is important to see now before I do.Alice: or, I went to see the dream now with the Prince Hall!
爱丽丝：The so-called naive lovable young girl looks just like me，don’t i？the snow-white dress（转圈，展示衣裙），and the lovely spring-like appearance（自我陶醉中……），Ah ~ ~ ~ so cute and innocent I am，I can almost see my Prince！Ah ~ ~ ~（单手捂住嘴打哈且）I feel trapped,（伸懒腰）I think it’s better to have a sleep~（两手交叠于耳旁，睡于树下）兔子先生（上场，环视四周，看见爱丽丝，凑近看）：oh~ what a lovely girl！she is the pretest girl I Have ever seen。爱丽丝（醒来）：Ah!Groping！（把兔子先生一把推开）兔子先生（站稳）：what？！Groping！I can’t believe it！you call me Groping！
Have you ever seen such a handsome groping 嗯？？！I am rabbit，Mr.rabbit！（气的跳起脚来）爱丽丝：oh~I’m so sorry，MR.rabbit，you were too close to me, i was just scared(楚楚可怜状)~ 兔子先生：all right.ok~I’m fine now，（平息怒气）so……what’re you doing here？little girl ？ 爱丽丝：en…I’m waiting here for someone to take me to the fairyland（踌躇状）兔子先生：oh~then I think I was just the one you were waiting for（自得状）爱丽丝：really？！so you can take me to meet the prince? Aren’t you?(惊喜状)兔子先生:aha~I think so,follow me ,girl~ 第二幕 场景：梦幻仙界，红桃女王的花园 人物：Mr.rabbit（兔子先生），Ailisi（爱丽丝），the queen（红桃女王），the prince（王子），Knight（骑士）
红桃女王（上场，身后跟着护卫的骑士）：Mr.rabbit have leaved for a long time，I miss him so much.骑士：don’t worry ,my queen.I think Mr.rabbit will come back soon 红桃女王:I hope so
(兔子先生和爱丽丝上。)兔子先生：aha~ your name is Ailisi，nice name and it’s very suitable for you
爱丽丝 :thank you。Mr.rabbit.by the way ,when could i see the prince? We’ve been walking four 30 minutes.兔子先生：uh……
(兔子先生，爱丽丝和红桃女王，骑士相遇)红桃女王：my honey，finally comes you。（奔过去，伸手要抱的时候看见爱丽丝，发怒）Who is this ugly girl？your new girl friend（咬牙问，吐字清晰），my soldier，Chop this girl's head 骑士（上前，拔剑）：yes，my queen！兔子先生（有些慌忙，挡在爱丽丝身前）：wait a minute，my queen。it’s a misunderstanding，This girl is a stranger I’ve just met，she want to see the prince。红桃女王（面色缓和下来）：so how it is。（对骑士）bring the prince here。（骑士领命，刚要下，王子上）
王子：Look at the crows is there a party or something? 兔子先生和骑士（倾身）： my royal Prince 爱丽丝：Prince…（石化，站着不动）
红桃女王：my dear, there is a girl who wanna meet you（轻蔑的抬头示意爱丽丝的存在）王子（皱眉）：A gril? So what is up?（抱着手臂走到呆掉的爱丽丝面前，仔细打量，姿势邪肆，轻蔑）Jusus, I am far more pretty than her!爱丽丝：What！（向后跳开一步，到兔子先生的旁边）兔子先生（对爱丽丝轻声说）：what is wrong.You wanna see the prince and here he is.就在眼前啊！爱丽丝（大喊）：No even you are better than him.红桃女王（怒视）：he is mine！
（爱丽丝也怒目而视）
[某音乐（还没选好）音乐响起，台上所有人列队开始跳舞。一段音乐以后，场务上：对不起对不起！放错音乐了！台上个人或咳嗽或整头发走回原来的位置，音乐重放，《斗牛士》 在跳舞过程中，不知不觉女王被打到] 女王（尖叫）：soldier，soldier，my soldier（跳舞的骑士跑去援救），Chops this girl's head（爱丽丝跑绕桌三圈隐于舞台，其他人渐渐散退）第三幕
场景：郊外的树下
爱丽丝（惊醒，吁了口气，缓和下来）：还好，是一场梦，没有讨厌的女皇没有士兵，生活是这样的美好（高兴起来）。兔子先生（出现,笑呵呵的），Hi，;little girl.you are so buestiful ,do you want to go to the fairyland with me？ 爱丽丝惊恐状
1.Alice--Alice is the main character of the story.She is an English seven-year-old girl with a good imagination, manners and behavior.In many movie versions of the book, Alice usually appears as a blonde girl, wearing a blue dress, white apron over top, stockings, and black 'Mary Jane' shoes.2.The White Rabbit--The Rabbit is responsible of Alice following him and into Wonderland.He is the first Wonderland Resident Alice meets.In the book and movie versions, the Rabbit wears a waistcoat where he pockets his watch.And at the end of the story, it is revealed that he serves as herald to the King and Queen of Hearts.3.The Mouse--A peculiar mouse whom Alice befriends, and has a strong hatred of cats and dogs.After Alice stops crying a big pool of tears, he teaches her how to get dry by attending a never ending Caucus Race, which no one loses or wins, and tries to tell her a story of how he hates cats and dogs, but leaves for the Mouse thought Alice was offending him.4.Pat--The White Rabbit's bumbling servant and gardener, who is an Irish guinea pig.5.Bill--A lizard who serves as the White Rabbit's chimney sweep.At one time when Alice was stuck at the White Rabbit's house, Bill was sent to get her out, but he was kicked out of the chimney by the might of Alice's giant foot.6.The Caterpillar--A wise, but rude old bug who gives Alice advice about how to change sizes correctly by eating the mushroom.7.The Duchess--An angry, ugly, and abusive noblewoman who is a mother to a baby that would later turn to a pig.But later on in the book, she is nicer, which assumes the fact that the pepper makes her angry.8.The Cheshire Cat--A peculiar feline that always grins and turns invisible at will.He belongs to the Duchess, and is responsible of guiding Alice to the Mad Tea Party.The Cat is the closest friend Alice meets in Wonderland.9.The Mad Hatter--A wacky man and leader of the Mad Tea Party.He is known to be very rude towards Alice and giving her stupid riddles without any answers.He is also the first witness of the Knave of Hearts' trial.10.The March Hare--The Mad Hatter's crazed sidekick who is also rude and obnoxious towards Alice.The March Hare is always mad, and maybe slightly stupid and confused ever since the Mad Hatter didn't have the chance to finish his performance at the Queen of Hearts' concert.11.The Dormouse--The third and sleepy member of the Mad Tea Party Trio.He often sleeps through the party, but the Mad Hatter and the March Hare have ways to rudely wake him up.12.The Queen of Hearts--A stubborn, violent and cruel tyrant who enjoys beheading people,(which never happens due to the King secretly pardoning those who are to be executed).She has a massive army of playing cards, and they simply do what the Queen says.She is noted to be the villain of the story, and Alice's arch-nemesis.13.The King of Hearts--The Queen of Hearts' foolish, but caring husband, who pardons those who are about to be beheaded under the wrath of the Queen.He also serves as judge of the Knave of Hearts' trial.14.The Gryphon--A part-eagle, part-lion creature that leads Alice to his old friend, the Mock Turtle, so she could learn about his childhood.15.The Mock Turtle--A cow-headed turtle who is an old friend of the Gryphon and told about his childhood and school days to Alice.He also showed her the 'Lobster Quadrille' a funny, but confusing dance.16.The Knave of Hearts--A noble servant to the King and Queen of Hearts, who was sent to a trial as the accused for stealing the tarts.The Queen often thinks of him as an 'idiot'.17.Alice's Sister--A minor character of the story.She is Alice's older sister who understands Alice's dream at the end of the book.After Alice went home for tea, her sister dreamt the same dream Alice did, and knew Alice is growing up.18.Dinah--Alice's pet cat.She did not appear in the book, but was mentioned by Alice several times.She does appear, however in the sequel 'Through the looking Glass', and many movies based on the book.
第四篇：英语小品剧本 -- 英语话剧剧本 Pygmalion
英语小品剧本--英语话剧剧本 Pygmalion Pygmalion(By George Bernard Shaw)ACT I Covent Garden at 11.15 p.m.Torrents of heavy summer rain.Cab whistles blowing frantically in all directions.Pedestrians running for shelter into the market and under the portico of St.Paul's Church, where there are already several people, among them a lady and her daughter in evening dress.They are all peering out gloomily at the rain, except one man with his back turned to the rest, who seems wholly preoccupied with a notebook in which he is writing busily.The church clock strikes the first quarter.THE DAUGHTER [in the space between the central pillars, close to the one on her left] I'm getting chilled to the bone.What can Freddy be doing all this time? Hes been gone twenty minutes.THE MOTHER [On her daughter's right] Not so long.But he ought to have got us a cab by this.A BYSTANDER [on the lady's right] He wont get no cab not until half-past eleven, missus, when they come back after dropping their theatre fares.THE MOTHER But we must have a cab.We cant stand here until half-past eleven.It's too bad.THE BYSTANDER Well, it aint my fault, missus.THE DAUGHTER If Freddy had a bit of gumption, he would have got one at the theatre door.THE MOTHER What could he have done, poor boy? THE DAUGHTER Other people got cabs.Why couldnt he?
Freddy rushes in out of the rain from the Southampton Street side, and comes between them closing a dripping umbrella.He is a young man of twenty, in evening dress, very wet around the ankles.THE DAUGHTER Well, havnt you got a cab? FREDDY Theres not one to be had for love or money.THE MOTHER Oh, Freddy, there must be one.You cant have tried.THE DAUGHTER It's too tiresome.Do you expect us to go and get one ourselves? FREDDY I tell you theyre all engaged.The rain was so sudden: nobody was prepared;and everybody had to take a cab.Ive been to Charing Cross one way and nearly to Ludgate Circus the other;and they were all engaged.THE MOTHER Did you try Trafalgar Square? FREDDY There wasnt one at Trafalgar Square.THE DAUGHTER Did you try? FREDDY I tried as far as Charing Cross Station.Did you expect me to walk to Hammersmith? THE DAUGHTER You havnt tried at all.THE MOTHER You really are very helpless, Freddy.Go again;and dont come back until you have found a cab.FREDDY I shall simply get soaked for nothing.THE DAUGHTER And what about us? Are we to stay here all night in this draught, with next to nothing on.You selfish pig--FREDDY Oh, very well: I'll go, I'll go.[He opens his umbrella and dashes off Strandwards, but comes into collision with a flower girl, who is hurrying in for shelter, knocking her basket out of her hands.A blinding flash of lightning, followed instantly by a rattling peal of thunder, orchestrates the incident].THE FLOWER GIRL Nah then, Freddy: look wh' y' gowin, deah.FREDDY Sorry [he rushes off].THE FLOWER GIRL [picking up her scattered flowers and replacing them in the basket] Theres menners f' yer!Te-oo banches o voylets trod into the mad.[She sits down on the plinth of the column, sorting her flowers, on the lady's right.She is not at all an attractive person.She is perhaps eighteen, perhaps twenty, hardly older.She wears a little sailor hat of black straw that has long been exposed to the dust and soot of London and has seldom if ever been brushed.Her hair needs washing rather badly: its mousy color can hardly be natural.She wears a shoddy black coat that reaches nearly to her knees and is shaped to her waist.She has a brown skirt with a coarse apron.Her boots are much the worse for wear.She is no doubt as clean as she can afford to be;but compared to the ladies she is very dirty.Her features are no worse than theirs;but their condition leaves something to be desired;and she needs the services of a dentist].THE MOTHER How do you know that my son's name is Freddy, pray? THE FLOWER GIRL Ow, eez ye-ooa san, is e? Wal, fewd dan y' de-ooty bawmz a mather should, eed now bettern to spawl a pore gel's flahrzn than ran awy athaht pyin.Will ye-oo py me f'them? [Here, with apologies, this desperate attempt to represent her dialect without a phonetic alphabet must be abandoned as unintelligible outside London.] THE DAUGHTER Do nothing of the sort, mother.The idea!THE MOTHER Please allow me, Clara.Have you any pennies? THE DAUGHTER No.I've nothing smaller than sixpence.THE FLOWER GIRL [hopefully] I can give you change for a tanner, kind lady.THE MOTHER [to Clara] Give it to me.[Clara parts reluctantly].Now [to the girl] This is for your flowers.THE FLOWER GIRL Thank you kindly, lady.THE DAUGHTER Make her give you the change.These things are only a penny a bunch.THE MOTHER Do hold your tongue, Clara.[To the girl].You can keep the change.THE FLOWER GIRL Oh, thank you, lady.THE MOTHER Now tell me how you know that young gentleman's name.THE FLOWER GIRL I didnt.THE MOTHER I heard you call him by it.Dont try to deceive me.THE FLOWER GIRL [protesting] Whos trying to deceive you? I called him Freddy or Charlie same as you might yourself if you was talking to a stranger and wished to be pleasant.[She sits down beside her basket].THE DAUGHTER Sixpence thrown away!Really, mamma, you might have spared Freddy that.[She retreats in disgust behind the pillar].An elderly gentleman of the amiable military type rushes into shelter, and closes a dripping umbrella.He is in the same plight as Freddy, very wet about the ankles.He is in evening dress, with a light overcoat.He takes the place left vacant by the daughter's retirement.THE GENTLEMAN Phew!THE MOTHER [to the gentleman] Oh, sir, is there any sign of its stopping? THE GENTLEMAN I'm afraid not.It started worse than ever about two minutes ago.[He goes to the plinth beside the flower girl;puts up his foot on it;and stoops to turn down his trouser ends].THE MOTHER Oh, dear![She retires sadly and joins her daughter].THE FLOWER GIRL [taking advantage of the military gentleman's proximity to establish friendly relations with him].If it's worse it's a sign it's nearly over.So cheer up, Captain;and buy a flower off a poor girl.THE GENTLEMAN I'm sorry, I havnt any change.THE FLOWER GIRL I can give you change, Captain.THE GENTLEMEN For a sovereign? Ive nothing less.THE FLOWER GIRL Garn!Oh do buy a flower off me, Captain.I can change half-a-crown.Take this for tuppence.THE GENTLEMAN Now dont be troublesome: theres a good girl.[Trying his pockets] I really havnt any change--Stop: heres three hapence, if thats any use to you [he retreats to the other pillar].THE FLOWER GIRL [disappointed, but thinking three halfpence better than nothing] Thank you, sir.THE BYSTANDER [to the girl] You be careful: give him a flower for it.Theres a bloke here behind taking down every blessed word youre saying.[All turn to the man who is taking notes].THE FLOWER GIRL [springing up terrified] I aint done nothing wrong by speaking to the gentleman.Ive a right to sell flowers if I keep off the kerb.[Hysterically] I'm a respectable girl: so help me, I never spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flower off me.[General hubbub, mostly sympathetic to the flower girl, but deprecating her excessive sensibility.Cries of Dont start hollerin.Whos hurting you? Nobody's going to touch you.Whats the good of fussing? Steady on.Easy, easy, etc., come from the elderly staid spectators, who pat her comfortingly.Less patient ones bid her shut her head, or ask her roughly what is wrong with her.A remoter group, not knowing what the matter is, crowd in and increase the noise with question and answer: Whats the row? What she do? Where is he? A tec taking her down.What!him? Yes: him over there: Took money off the gentleman, etc.The flower girl, distraught and mobbed, breaks through them to the gentleman, crying wildly] Oh, sir, dont let him charge me.You dunno what it means to me.Theyll take away my character and drive me on the streets for speaking to gentlemen.They--THE NOTE TAKER [coming forward on her right, the rest crowding after him] There, there, there, there!whos hurting you, you silly girl? What do you take me for? THE BYSTANDER It's all right: hes a gentleman: look at his boots.[Explaining to the note taker] She thought you was a copper's nark, sir.THE NOTE TAKER [with quick interest] Whats a copper's nark? THE BYSTANDER [inapt at definition] It's a--well, it's a copper's nark, as you might say.What else would you call it? A sort of informer.THE FLOWER GIRL [still hysterical] I take my Bible oath I never said a word--THE NOTE TAKER [overbearing but good-humored] Oh, shut up, shut up.Do I look like a policeman? THE FLOWER GIRL [far from reassured] Then what did you take down my words for? How do I know whether you took me down right? You just shew me what youve wrote about me.[The note taker opens his book and holds it steadily under her nose, though the pressure of the mob trying to read it over his shoulders would upset a weaker man].Whats that? That aint proper writing.I cant read that.THE NOTE TAKER I can.[Reads, reproducing her pronunciation exactly] “Cheer ap, Keptin;n' baw ya flahr orf a pore gel.” THE FLOWER GIRL [much distressed] It's because I called him Captain.I meant no harm.[To the gentleman] Oh, sir, dont let him lay a charge agen me for a word like that.You--THE GENTLEMAN Charge!I make no charge.[To the note taker] Really, sir, if you are a detective, you need not begin protecting me against molestation by young women until I ask you.Anybody could see that the girl meant no harm.THE BYSTANDERS GENERALLY [demonstrating against police espionage] Course they could.What business is it of yours? You mind your own affairs.He wants promotion, he does.Taking down people's words!Girl never said a word to him.What harm if she did? Nice thing a girl cant shelter from the rain without being insulted, etc., etc., etc.[She is conducted by the more sympathetic demonstrators back to her plinth, where she resumes her seat and struggles with her emotion.] THE BYSTANDER He aint a tec.Hes a blooming busybody: thats what he is.I tell you, look at his boots.THE NOTE TAKER [turning on him genially] And how are all your people down at Selsey? THE BYSTANDER [suspiciously] Who told you my people come from Selsey? THE NOTE TAKER Never you mind.They did.[To the girl] How do you come to be up so far east? You were born in Lisson Grove.THE FLOWER GIRL [appalled] Oh, what harm is there in my leaving Lisson Grove? It wasnt fit for a pig to live in;and I had to pay four-and-six a week.[In tears] Oh, boo--hoo--oo--THE NOTE TAKER Live where you like;but stop that noise.THE GENTLEMAN [to the girl] Come, come!he cant touch you: you have a right to live where you please.A SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [thrusting himself between the note taker and the gentleman] Park Lane, for instance.Id like to go into the Housing Question with you, I would.THE FLOWER GIRL [subsiding into a brooding melancholy over her basket, and talking very low-spiritedly to herself] I'm a good girl, I am.THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [not attending to her] Do you know where I come from? THE NOTE TAKER [promptly] Hoxton.Titterings.Popular interest in the note taker's performance increases.THE SARCASTIC ONE [amazed] Well, who said I didnt? Bly me!You know everything, you do.THE FLOWER GIRL [still nursing her sense of injury] Aint no call to meddle with me, he aint.THE BYSTANDER [to her] Of course he aint.Dont you stand it from him.[To the note taker] See here: what call have you to know about people what never offered to meddle with you? Wheres your warrant? SEVERAL BYSTANDERS [encouraged by this seeming point of law] Yes: wheres your warrant? THE FLOWER GIRL Let him say what he likes.I dont want to have no truck with him.THE BYSTANDER You take us for dirt under your feet, dont you? Catch you taking liberties with a gentleman!THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER Yes: tell h i m where he come from if you want to go fortune-telling.THE NOTE TAKER Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge, and India.THE GENTLEMAN Quite right.[Great laughter.Reaction in the note taker's favor.Exclamations of He knows all about it.Told him proper.Hear him tell the toff where he come from? etc.].May I ask, sir, do you do this for your living at a music hall? THE NOTE TAKER Ive thought of that.Perhaps I shall some day.The rain has stopped;and the persons on the outside of the crowd begin to drop off.THE FLOWER GIRL [resenting the reaction] Hes no gentleman, he aint, to interfere with a poor girl.THE DAUGHTER [out of patience, pushing her way rudely to the front and displacing the gentleman, who politely retires to the other side of the pillar] What on earth is Freddy doing? I shall get pneumonia if I stay in this draught any longer.THE NOTE TAKER [to himself, hastily making a note of her pronunciation of “monia”] Earlscourt.THE DAUGHTER [violently] Will you please keep your impertinent remarks to yourself? THE NOTE TAKER Did I say that out loud? I didnt mean to.I beg your pardon.Your mother's Epsom, unmistakeably.THE MOTHER [advancing between her daughter and the note taker] How very curious!I was brought up in Largelady Park, near Epsom.THE NOTE TAKER [uproariously amused] Ha!ha!What a devil of a name!Excuse me.[To the daughter] You want a cab, do you? THE DAUGHTER Dont dare speak to me.THE MOTHER Oh, please, please Clara.[Her daughter repudiates her with an angry shrug and retires haughtily.] We should be so grateful to you, sir, if you found us a cab.[The note taker produces a whistle].Oh, thank you.[She joins her daughter].The note taker blows a piercing blast.THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER There!I knowed he was a plain-clothes copper.THE BYSTANDER That aint a police whistle: thats a sporting whistle.THE FLOWER GIRL [still preoccupied with her wounded feelings] Hes no right to take away my character.My character is the same to me as any lady's.THE NOTE TAKER I dont know whether youve noticed it;but the rain stopped about two minutes ago.THE BYSTANDER So it has.Why didnt you say so before? and us losing our time listening to your silliness.[He walks off towards the Strand].THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER I can tell where you come from.You come from Anwell.Go back there.THE NOTE TAKER [helpfully] Hanwell.THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [affecting great distinction of speech] Thenk you, teacher.Haw haw!So long [he touches his hat with mock respect and strolls off].THE FLOWER GIRL Frightening people like that!How would he like it himself.THE MOTHER It's quite fine now, Clara.We can walk to a motor bus.Come.[She gathers her skirts above her ankles and hurries off towards the Strand].THE DAUGHTER But the cab--[her mother is out of hearing].Oh, how tiresome![She follows angrily].All the rest have gone except the note taker, the gentleman, and the flower girl, who sits arranging her basket, and still pitying herself in murmurs.THE FLOWER GIRL Poor girl!Hard enough for her to live without being worrited and chivied.THE GENTLEMAN [returning to his former place on the note taker's left] How do you do it, if I may ask? THE NOTE TAKER Simply phonetics.The science of speech.Thats my profession: also my hobby.Happy is the man who can make a living by his hobby!You can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue.I can place any man within six miles.I can place him within two miles in London.Sometimes within two streets.THE FLOWER GIRL Ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward!THE GENTLEMAN But is there a living in that? THE NOTE TAKER Oh yes.Quite a fat one.This is an age of upstarts.Men begin in Kentish Town with ?0 a year, and end in Park Lane with a hundred thousand.They want to drop Kentish Town;but they give themselves away every time they open their mouths.Now I can teach them--THE FLOWER GIRL Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl--THE NOTE TAKER [explosively] Woman: cease this detestable boohooing instantly;or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship.THE FLOWER GIRL [with feeble defiance] Ive a right to be here if I like, same as you.THE NOTE TAKER A woman who utters such depressing and disgusting sounds has no right to be anywhere--no right to live.Remember that you are a human being with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech: that your native language is the language of Shakespear and Milton and The Bible;and dont sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon.THE FLOWER GIRL [quite overwhelmed, and looking up at him in mingled wonder and deprecation without daring to raise her head] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo!THE NOTE TAKER [whipping out his book] Heavens!what a sound![He writes;then holds out the book and reads, reproducing her vowels exactly] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo!THE FLOWER GIRL [tickled by the performance, and laughing in spite of herself] Garn!THE NOTE TAKER You see this creature with her kerbstone English: the English that will keep her in the gutter to the end of her days.Well, sir, in three months I could pass that girl off as a duchess at an ambassador's garden party.I could even get her a place as lady's maid or shop assistant, which requires better English.Thats the sort of thing I do for commercial millionaires.And on the profits of it I do genuine scientific work in phonetics, and a little as a poet on Miltonic lines.THE GENTLEMAN I am myself a student of Indian dialects;and--THE NOTE TAKER [eagerly] Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author of Spoken Sanscrit? THE GENTLEMAN I am Colonel Pickering.Who are you? THE NOTE TAKER Henry Higgins, author of Higgins's Universal Alphabet.PICKERING [with enthusiasm] I came from India to meet you.HIGGINS I was going to India to meet you.PICKERING Where do you live? HIGGINS 27A Wimpole Street.Come and see me tomorrow.PICKERING I'm at the Carlton.Come with me now and lets have a jaw over some supper.HIGGINS Right you are.THE FLOWER GIRL [to Pickering, as he passes her] Buy a flower, kind gentleman.I'm short for my lodging.PICKERING I really havnt any change.I'm sorry [he goes away].HIGGINS [shocked at girl's mendacity] Liar.You said you could change half-a-crown.THE FLOWER GIRL [rising in desperation] You ought to be stuffed with nails, you ought.[Flinging the basket at his feet] Take the whole blooming basket for sixpence.The church clock strikes the second quarter.HIGGINS [hearing in it the voice of God, rebuking him for his Pharisaic want of charity to the poor girl] A reminder.[He raises his hat solemnly;then throws a handful of money into the basket and follows Pickering].THE FLOWER GIRL [picking up a half-crown] Ah-ow-ooh![Picking up a couple of florins] Aaah-ow-ooh![Picking up several coins] Aaaaaah-ow-ooh![Picking up a half-sovereign] Aaaaaaaaaaaah-ow-ooh！!FREDDY [springing out of a taxicab] Got one at last.Hallo![To the girl] Where are the two ladies that were here? THE FLOWER GIRL They walked to the bus when the rain stopped.FREDDY And left me with a cab on my hands.Damnation!THE FLOWER GIRL [with grandeur] Never you mind, young man.I'm going home in a taxi.[She sails off to the cab.The driver puts his hand behind him and holds the door firmly shut against her.Quite understanding his mistrust, she shews him her handful of money.] Eightpence aint no object to me, Charlie.[He grins and opens the door].Angel Court, Drury Lane, round the corner of Micklejohn's oil shop.Lets see how fast you can make her hop it.[She gets in and pulls the door to with a slam as the taxicab starts].FREDDY Well, I'm dashed!
第五篇：搞笑校园话剧小品剧本
搞笑校园话剧小品剧本-招聘会正文开始
人物：
应聘人员五名：
犀利哥(象征懒惰，造型按照网络上的来就好了，不过要营造一种邋遢的感觉)凤姐（象征傲慢，浓妆艳抹。服装弄的不搭配，但是整体要表现的极度自信）李刚（象征嫉妒，服装尽量弄平民一点。）
小月月（象征贪食，臃肿肥胖，暴饮暴食。）
主考官两面：
奇虎（英文名XXX）（象征愤怒，一般的白领服装。但是尽量弄的凌乱点给人不修边幅的感觉。）
腾讯（英文名QQ）（象征贪婪，服装同上，但是要相对整洁，突显气质）道具：
五人在舞台左边等候，椅子一排。
面试在舞台右部偏中经行，椅子三张，桌子两张。
剧本正文：
奇虎：（上来擦桌子，摆放文件，然后回头）今天是我们富士康集团招聘会面试第一天，我是负责招聘会的主考官奇虎，当然朋友喜欢喊我的英文名three six zero。有点绕口不过挺好记的。这次招聘面向全国广招贤士，千里马常有伯乐难寻。但是作为黑马出现的伯乐更是可遇不可求。众所周知，我们的公司福利待遇在全球占据一定高度，富士康第二，谁敢说第一？当然今天负责面试的人还有众所周知的腾讯。（斜眼冷视后方）。
腾讯：大家晚上好，我叫腾讯，英文名QQ，以前上班挤公交，奋斗两年换奇瑞，年底分红开宝马。能主持这场招聘会真是让我受宠若惊啊。
奇虎：是笑而不语把？
腾讯：（笑着说）我有笑吗？总人笑我太疯癫，我笑众人不会笑。我的笑和一般人的不一样，你不懂的。
奇虎：那是，人家的东西跑你手上换个名字就成独一无二的了。
腾讯：不只是换个名字那么简单，我有付出很多的，只是你们不知道而已。奇虎：我们只知道属于你的成就总是能看到属于别人的影子。
腾讯：是你们人不正影子斜吧？
奇虎：那是，我们的影子都斜到你哪去了，你是黑洞还是有修炼捕风捉影的秘籍？腾讯：我们是来工作的，不是来吵架的。省点力气和应聘者说吧。
奇虎：不是我和你吵架，现在能轮到我们来接这份美差吗？
腾讯：公司里面的人都比较笨，只知道我们在吵架，却不知道我们两个背地里面就商量好一切了。
奇虎：还是你聪明呀，原本的吵架居然还可以获得双赢的效果。
腾讯：这只是开始而已，好好跟我学，有我吃肉的，就少不了你喝汤的。
奇虎：恩，以后还多需你来指点提拔了。
腾讯：现在我们两个都在一条船上了，没什么好客气的。不过你这臭脾气真应该好好改一下了。
奇虎：回头我一定改，不过现在快点开始面试吧？等下我们还要参加公司为我们准备宴席。
腾讯：今年的年底分红我两拿定了，没什么好担心的。也不用这么卖命了。
奇虎：开始面试了。
舞台左边，五人坐在椅子上彼此之前没有任何言语。凤姐在读《知音》，兽兽缩成一团坐在椅子上，小月月在吃零食，犀利哥在睡觉，李刚在来回踱步。
奇虎：现在请犀利哥进来面试。现在请犀利哥进来面试…犀利哥人来了吗？（小月月用香蕉皮砸了一下犀利哥，犀利哥从椅子上跳了起来。）
犀利哥：来了，来了。我马上来。（起身走入房间）
腾讯：欢迎您来参加今天的招聘会，现在请你做个简单的自我介绍，并谈下对人生和理想的看法。
（音乐响起）犀利哥没有说话，只是沿着舞台走起猫步。然后回到原地静静的看着腾讯。腾讯：麻烦你做个简单的自我介绍，并谈下对人生和理想的看法好吗？
犀利哥：刚才我已经作出了回答，难道你没看到吗？
奇虎：什么时候的事情，我怎么没听到？
犀利哥：我用我忧郁的眼神，唏嘘的胡碴子，神乎奇迹的搭配，还有那杂乱的头发，以及迷倒众人的气质回答了你的提问。
奇虎：呃，恕小生不才。实在看不懂所谓的答案，您能用一种通俗易懂的方式来表达一下吗？
犀利哥：俗，你真俗。你还想要多通俗？你懂什么是潮流吗？你懂什么叫搭配?你懂吗？奇虎：我不懂，我只懂你需要这份工作。
腾讯：现在请你用语言来表达自己想说的话吧。
犀利哥：我是引领时尚潮流的弄潮儿，我的气质能够吸引所有的目光。我的眼神犀利无比，我的穿着大方得体，我的相貌英俊潇洒，我的谈吐温文儒雅，我的……
奇虎：停，停，停…还是我问你答吧，不要再做自我介绍了。犀利哥：可是我还没说完。腾讯：先说下你以前的工作经历吧？ 犀利哥：再来本公司面试以前，我曾作为一名光荣的乞丐在业两年，同时也让我积累了丰富的就业经验。在职期间我的工作也一直都是最苦最累的活。
奇虎：那麻烦你说下，你的工作都具体干些什么
犀利哥：吃饭，睡觉，压马路。
奇虎：这些也能算最苦最累的活？我每天除了吃饭，睡觉，压马路还要做许多其他的事情，原来我的工作比想象中要苦和累很多。
腾讯：还有别的没说的吗？
犀利哥:没有什么要补充的。
腾讯：那能说的具体一点吗？
犀利哥：吃饭，要保证能吃任何食物。睡觉，要保证能在任何环境下入睡。压马路，要保证不受周围灼热的目光影响。
奇虎：这我就一定做不来了，难怪你是哥。不要迷恋哥，哥还真的是传说。
犀利哥：这个算不上传说的，我们这个行业里面还有很多传奇般的人物，有机会我给你引见一下你就知道什么是传说了。
奇虎：那你能说下自己想要应聘什么职位吗？
犀利哥：这个我懒的想了，想前面的那些话已经花了我很多时间，不过我一定会服从你们的安排。
奇虎：你真够懒的。
犀利哥：因为之前工作养成的习惯。（犀利哥从地上捡起一个烟屁股弹了弹灰，放入口袋。）
腾讯：好吧，关于你的面试就到这里吧，你先到外面等候结果，等其他人的面试结束我们在公布。麻烦你出去的时候，顺便把凤姐喊进来。
犀利哥：恩，那我先走了。
犀利哥转身离开房间，从口袋里面掏出烟屁股用火柴点燃。
奇虎：今天来应聘的人都是些志士能人，我们以后的竞争对手又多了。
腾讯：先看下去再说吧。
犀利哥出门喊凤姐，凤姐放下手中的书。整理了一下服饰走入房间。
凤姐：我九岁博览群书，二十岁达到顶峰。我现在都是看社会人文类的书，例如《知音》《故事会》，我的智商已经达到一定高度，往前推三百年，往后推三百年，总共六百年没有人超过我。至于我的相貌更不用提了。总之我来参加这次招聘会是你们公司的最高荣幸。奇虎：那你想要应聘什么职位呢？
凤姐：总经理。什么部门都可以，职位至少是总经理。
奇虎：这个…
腾讯：那请你讲下过去的工作经历。
凤姐：我曾在世界500强企业家乐福工作，从事最有前途的职业。负责公司的资金流动，掌管公司的利益线。
奇虎：你到底从事什么职业，能说具体一点吗？
凤姐：收银员。
奇虎：收银员怎么成最有前途的职业了？
凤姐：是你自己不懂了，收银员代表公司的面貌面对客户。工作量也是最大最累的，每天经手大量的现金，还要面对无数的客人。但是我的服务永远都是最好的。我的好坏决定了公司的成败。收银员是最有前途的职业。
腾讯：那能说下你的特别之处吗？当然前面说过的就不要再说了。
凤姐：我的特别之处太多了，我随便挑点说吧。我不仅饱读诗书而且还会吟诗作对。要说我的写诗风格嘛，比较像顾城。至于我的写作风格，大家都说我像鲁迅。没时间给你们读我的文章，我就现场为你们俩吟诗一首。“我出身在上海，上海是国际大都市。我喜欢经济，我喜欢生活在国际大都市里面…“
奇虎：你先停一下吧，这个也算是诗吗？
凤姐：这是现在最流行的“羊羔体”，是你学疏才浅不懂而已。
奇虎：那你换个我懂的吧。
凤姐：爱《知音》，爱《读者》，爱博览群书，也爱征婚交友。爱清华北大高材生，更爱黑人奥巴马。不是作家，不是诗人，不是大学士，我是凤姐。我只想要创造奇迹，我和你不一样，我永远都是最特俗的。
奇虎：呃，我好像真的才疏学浅了。不过你能站在这里，真的就是个奇迹。现在你说下你想要应聘什么职位呢？
凤姐：总经理。
奇虎：我都没想过自己有做总经理的哪一天，你的要求未免太高了。
凤姐：不高了，任何部门都可以，但是级别最低也要是总经理。这已经是我最低的要求了。
奇虎：很好，这又是一个奇迹。你真的在不停的创造奇迹，那你说下你为何能够胜任这个职位呢？
凤姐：我有广阔的人脉，因为前段时间征婚的缘故。很多公司老总以及清华北大的高材生都和我有了密切联系。虽然因为我个人眼光的缘故，他们都被我拒绝了，但是现在这些人一样是我的仰慕者。我的加盟会给公司带来一笔无形的财富。
奇虎：既然有那么多仰慕者，你为什么不选择其中一个呢？那样也不用来这里面试了吧？
凤姐：我不会做花瓶的，以我的能力也没有必要那样做。至于为什么不选择，是因为我现在的择偶目标已经提高了，现在我的另一半应该是欧美海归。
奇虎：看来我找女朋友的事情又该往后面推几年了。
腾讯：罗小姐的条件都很不错，我想有机会我们一定会在公司合作的。
凤姐：到时候我一定会提拔重用你们两人的。
腾讯：恩，那现在你先出去等候应聘结果。顺便把兽兽喊进来吧。
凤姐起身离开房间，面带自信的笑容喊兽兽参加面试。
然后李刚走进房间。
奇虎：做个自我介绍吧
李刚：不是所有的好牛奶都是三鹿，不是所有的好父亲都是李刚。我的儿子有个好爸爸，我却没有他那个福气。所以我要来参加这次面试。
奇虎：话说，你原本就是政府要员。为什么有兴趣来参加这次招聘会。放弃原本稳定的金饭碗和权力来做这些事情。
李刚：我能有什么办法，谁叫我的儿子有我这么一个好爸爸。龙生龙凤生凤，我爸生我是条虫，小虫摇身变大龙，大龙产子生小龙，然后两龙一起变成虫。
腾讯：关于你儿子的事情我们也略有了解，他遭遇的不幸真的很悲催。
李刚：应该悲催的是我，现在我就整天嫉妒他。他的爸爸是李刚，我的爸爸是李虫。他有什么好可怜的，应该被可怜的是我才对。
腾讯：对于发生在您身上的事情我们身表同情，现在机会就放在你的面前了。你要自己好好把握。
李刚：多年的从政经验能够让我熟练的面对很多岗位的要求。
腾讯：能说具体一点吗？
李刚：众所周知李白爱喝酒，作为李白的后人我更是能千杯不醉，谈吐依然。我知道如何安抚群众，我知道如何讨好领导，我知道很多很多。。
奇虎：但是这些和我们的工作没有什么联系吧？
李刚：如鱼得水，官场商场无非都是水。
奇虎：一入官门深似海，为官两年变成害，百姓死活没人睬，欺上瞒下多自在。腾讯：这样看来李兄也是不可多得的人才
李刚：还好吧
腾讯：你老谦虚了，这样你老在外面等候答复。最后一名应聘者面试结束以后我们就公布答案
李刚：先说一声谢谢了。
小月月参加面试。
小月月：等我先把这个吃完。
奇虎：等你吃完面试早就结束了。
腾讯：呃，等面试结束再吃吧
小月月：我跟你说香蕉功能很多的，我最喜欢的水果就是香蕉了。不但好吃，香蕉皮还有美容的效果。
腾讯：恩，我们先谈面试吧，这些过后再聊
小月月：那你快问吧，等下我还要去找我的男朋友，这么长时间没见了，他一定想我了。奇虎：那你先做个简单的自我介绍吧
小月月：我喜欢吃东西，吃很多很多的东西。我最喜欢吃香蕉，还有奥利奥。（说完，从包里掏出奥利奥拿到他们两个的桌子上去）
奇虎：不用了，我们不吃的。你继续 小月月：我还会唱歌，跳舞，背诵《葬花吟》。要不我表演给你们看？ 奇虎：这个也不用了,你继续说 小月月：我还会….（仰头望天，作思索状）
奇虎：你还会什么？
小月月：我好像不会别的了。
奇虎：那你还来参加这次面试？你根本就什么都不会。
小月月：神马都是浮云，神马都是浮云。你不能这样说的，人家患有低血糖，一紧张就会晕倒的。
奇虎：你倒了和我也没什么关系吧？
小月月：你还没想明白，如果我在这里昏倒了就是你两的责任。孤男寡女独处一室，再加上我的昏倒。你们就算有一万张嘴也解释不清楚了。
腾讯：这个未免太过分了吧？
小月月：过分的是你们，刚才前面出来的几个人我都有看到，他们都是开心的出来的，你们一定达成什么不可告人的协议了。
奇虎：我们能达成什么协议，是你在这里乱想的。
小月月：兽兽能脱，我也能脱。（说着开始拽身上的红色毛衣）
奇虎：别，别，别。你千万别脱。等下我还要吃饭的。那你想要怎么办？
小月月：我只要属于自己的工作，如果我应聘失败了，我就脱光衣服晕倒在这里。奇虎：你这人怎么能这样的小月月：现在所有人都这样。奇虎：怎么样？ 小月月：为了目的不择手段，脱算什么。装疯卖傻，六亲不认有什么是做不出来的。奇虎：但是你也没必要和我们两过不去吧？
小月月;我只是通过自己的方式在努力而已，没有针对谁。
腾讯：那就这样吧。你绝对会被聘上了，你也没必要晕了，你也没必要脱了。小月月：好，谢谢你
奇虎：你出的时候随便把其他应聘者全喊进来吧。
小月月一步一跳的跑了出去
奇虎：你连这种人也敢招？你不怕老板怪罪？
腾讯：没事，回头我把她安排到食堂去。像老板那样的人绝对不会去食堂吃饭，也不可能知道她的存在了。
奇虎：你太有才了。
众人皆进入房间
腾讯：关于这次面试，我们决定招揽你们所有人
。。
奇虎：小月月做食堂，李刚去公关部，兽兽去广告部，凤姐去人士，犀利哥去保安小月月：为什么我去食堂呢？
奇虎：因为有你在，其他人就会觉得我们食堂伙食很好了
小月月：但是我可以做很多其他的事情
奇虎：食堂有很多好吃的小月月：好吧
腾讯：关于工作的分配，你们还有什么问题吗？没的话，明天就可以来公司报道了。
这时腾讯的手机响了起来，腾讯：什么？方舟子,打假了?现在我们要回公司收拾残局？好就这样吧。奇虎：怎么了？ 腾讯：公司出问题了，我们快回去吧 众人：我们呢？
腾讯：你们不用来公司上班了兽兽：先前说的那些呢？奇虎：全部作废。
点击咨询 