第一篇：新年联欢会单人脱口秀(精彩爆笑)
???的新年礼物
大家新年好！今天开联欢会，没来的同请举手！没人举手啊，那大家就都到齐了哈！
首先自我介绍一下，我叫???！哎！你们都看着我干嘛！不要迷恋哥，哥只是个传说！觉得我帅了是不？大家别看我个不高，关键时刻能像董存瑞一样，顶着炸药包，大家不要看我瘦，我除了骨头全是肉，谁说我胖！怎么胖了，我三天没吃饭才饿成这样的，不信啊，我告诉你，我吃饱的时候，啥都不想吃，吃瓜子我也是边吃边吐呀，不过今天要是哪个同学请我吃烤肉或火锅我还是愿意奉陪滴！
在新年到来之际，回顾这一年啊，我最服三个人，在这里，我要向他们表示崇高的敬意！
第一个人是我们体育老师，我的数学就是体育老师教的！夏天有天体育课后，体育老师想告诉我们下课后，同学们可以去上厕所，也可以去喝水，结果一着急，把两句话合并了，脱口而出的是：“同学们，现在你们可以去厕所喝水啦！”当时啊，我们集体中暑晕倒。
第二个人呢是我老爸！昨天他接我从英语班回家，我们家可是住在三中那头！我爸他心血来潮竟然要走回去！路上我说：爸爸，我累了。老爸对我说：咱俩数到三，爸爸就抱你走，行不行？我很高兴的答应了。然后，老爸大声说：预备－－－——齐步走！1、2、1；1、2、1；1、2、1........就这样，还没数到三，我们就到家了！
至于第三个人呢？我不说他是谁，今天啊，他就在下面坐着。我说一些关于他的事，大家猜猜这个人是谁！说一只蛐蛐跟猪打赌说：我跳进草里你就看不见我，猪说：我要是看得见呢？于是蛐蛐跳进草里。猪在看，猪在看！猪还在看！猪，说你呢！咋还在看呢？！猜出来了吗？没猜出来咱们再来一个！
说狼来了，猪窝里乱成一团，猪妈妈安排:大猪去堵门！二猪去堵窗！当看到小猪时，猪妈来火了，大叫:老三，不要看脱口秀啦！你肉多，出去把狼引开。
猜出来了吗？再给你最后一次机会！说一只猪和一只企鹅被关在-20℃的冷库里,第二天企鹅死了,猪没事.为什么?知不知道？什么？你不知道?对了,猪也不知道!
哈哈！这第三个人啊，是你，是你，就是你！就是你们这群像小猪一样可爱的我的同学们！新年到了，祝同学们新年快乐！很高兴和你们一起跨年，一起成长！希望我们卓越班的所有同学们在新的一年里健健康康，快快乐乐，好好学习，天天向上！
谢谢大家！
第二篇：单人脱口秀《就业》
床前明月光，疑是地上霜，我爸是我爸，李刚是李刚。欢迎来到坑爹脱口秀，我是XX。
我既不是富二代，也不是官二代，我只是一个人见人爱，花见花开，车见车爆胎的普通大学生。所以我认真的上着专业课，积极的参加各种活动。
既然我们都是面临社会的大学生，那我们就先来聊聊“就业”这个经久不衰的热门话题。据统计，今年全国高校毕业生总人数将超过630万人，比上年增加近20万，创下历史新高，让我们这些将来面临就业的孩子们的压力那是相当的lady gaga。我一哥们，老家是农村的。他说啊：自打我考上清华以后，每次回去奶奶总对我说：“孩子啊，家里那几块地，还有这些鸡啊猪啊的，都给你留着。”看到今年的就业形势，我才终于体会到了奶奶的高瞻远瞩和良苦用心„„！
海外留学归国人员简称为海龟，但现在就业竞争激烈，工作不是那么好找，许多海外留学人员一归国就待业，于是现在又出了个新词――海带。还有的海归派无处发挥，做了盗版贩子，就叫海盗。据说还有一位因为怀才不遇，把头发都愁白了，大家居然叫他海公公。
去年年末啊，我想大家都在被一件事情烦恼着。QQ跟360打架了。公元2010年，北京时间11月3日，这一历史时刻，伟大的山寨之王腾讯公司发布一封公开信，信上说：当您看到这封信的时候，我们刚刚作出了一个非常艰难的决定。在360公司停止对QQ进行外挂侵犯和恶意诋毁之前，我们决定将在装有360软件的电脑上停止运行QQ软件。一时间，“作出了艰难决定”成为了网络热词。第二天，世界500强企业中有501家发布《告用户的一份公开信》。
阿迪达斯做出了艰难的决定，如果检测到用户身上穿有耐克，衣服将自动变透视装。蒙牛做了个艰难的决定，如果监测到用户胃里有伊利牛奶，将自动释放三聚氰胺 凤姐做出一个艰难的决定，如果大家继续关注小月月，那么将拍劲爆写真集。一人一张强行安装在你的电脑桌面上。
就在刚才，又有一家重量级的企业发布公开信，让全世界人民震惊！为什么说他是重量级呢？因为这家企业来头实在不小，他在2011年全球品牌价值排行榜上名列第一，超过可口可乐和微软。他就是——兰州拉面。兰州拉面说：我们刚刚作出了一个非常艰难的决定。在沙县小吃停止对兰州拉面进行外挂侵犯和恶意诋毁之前，我们决定将在贩卖沙县小吃的地区停止贩卖兰州拉面。兰州拉面有幸能陪伴着您成长；未来日子，我们期待与您继续同行！
本次脱口秀到此结束，谢谢大家的收听。
第三篇：英语单人脱口秀台词
talk show script m:hello, everyone!my name is li xx.(have a seat, please!)thank you!h:so, your daughter is a junior college student, right? h:did your daughter studied very hard and have a higher mark before? m:yeah, she loves study since she was a child, she study harder than any else of her classmates.h:does she like to do so or being force to study? m:she developed this habit since she was a child.h:you mean study hard is her real mind?(yeah)and she changed her mind suddenly?(yeah)did she mentioned she want to give up the exam before? m:yes, of course.she told me she wanted to get more qualifications in the future.but i don’t know why!she just told it suddenly!i can’t understand!h:more details? h:did she make up before? m;never.she never made up at home.h:ok, what happened on the daughter and made her have so much attitude change towards the top-up exam? we’d better ask the daughter herself.please look the vcr.d: hello, everyone!(have a seat, please.)thank you!h: you haven’t called your mother for a long time, right?(yeah)do you know your mom worried about you a lot? d: i’m...i’m sorry.m: i’m so disappointed.you don’t go to school, you wear heavy make-up......h:(to m)i want to explain that lily looks nature and without make-up in order to see you.(to d)did you mean to consider about your mom by doing that? d: yes, i dare not wear high heel shoes, dare not have heavy make-up.this is what i look like when i stay with my mom.h: but why didn’t you tell your mother you have moved to your rented house? m: as a student, you don’t stay at school instead of live outside, do you think it’s reasonable?(angry)d: you have never thought about my feelings, every time i bought by clothes, you will say that don’t suit me and ask me don’t wear that clothes.when all my peers have the rights to decide what h: we have heard that you did some part time job after school? d: yes, i want learn more, i don’t like my major, my mom choose it for me.m: i’m for your good, you know.we have the ability to give you what you want to, you just need to tell me.and study hard, i don’t want you to do the job has any relationship with your major.e: so, miss li.your daughter just wants to be more independent, this is a good thing.am i right? may be her mother think that she is just a 20-years-old student, but i think lily is a 20-years-old girl, she should have a colorful and wonderful life experience instead of live as the her mother want her to live, that will give lily much pressure, maybe she want relax herself by living outside and make decision by herself.am i right? lily? m: but she never told me she don’t want to do so.(委屈）e: that is because you give her so much pressure.m: but i don’t think i have given her any pressure, she was doing what she wanted to do!she needn’t to pretend to be so for 20 years!e: i think your daughter tried to express herself, but her idea was opposed again and again.at last, she is not willing to try any more.for example, she bought a simple cloth, but when she came back home, you don’t agree with her taste and want her to wear what you like.what’s the biggest feature of an adolescent? rebellion.you ask them to do this, they insist to do that!they develop their judge and consider ability by such way.actually, your daughter doesn’t have any pretend actions, she is just an adolescent, at this period, any actions of over-protecting and strict discipline from parents will be an obstacle on the development of the child.what they just needfreedom to do what they like to do.d: i just want such a chance to experience life by myself and decide i will do in the future.may be i will be fail, but without this trying, i will be regret for a life time.e: i have to admit julie want to be more independent is a good thing.but do you know what is your goal at present? and what you will do to pursue your dream? d: i haven’t decided yet.e: if you have set a goal and want to pursue it, it’s acceptable.but the problem is that you don’t know what’s your really want.so, you should set a goal first.篇二：英文脱口秀台词 篇三：英语口语短句脱口秀365句
英语口语短句脱口秀365句
“口语要素”是李阳疯狂英语突破法的一个重要概念，特别地道，含含糊糊，一闪而过，听起来想一个单词一样的口语单位！李阳crazy要求学员必须首先掌握一定数量的口语要素，打好坚实的口语、听力基础，增强交流信心，达成说一句顶十句的疯狂境界和自信。
下面为大家提供口语要素365例精选。最好的验证是否掌握的方法是看着汉语脱口而出英文，或由别人说汉语，你立刻翻译成英文！不要只是反复地、机械地、大脑几乎麻木地读！一定要把这些句子变成你的拿手好戏，随时随地脱口而出，并经常用来自言自语以保持口腔肌肉高度灵活！
这些短句配有音频，里面的人用不同语速念同一个句子。有的地方发音较缓慢，较夸张，多听这些音频对提高语音很有帮助。
仔细听这些音频，注意单词的弱读 连读 和省读。
大声背诵，脱口而出。
? 每次听力课前要熟练背诵40个短句。? 看到中文句子后，? 若有3个或3个以上短句不能限时正确脱口而出，扣分1分。? 若5个短句全部限时正确脱口而出，加0.5分。
建议与同桌/室友合作，一人说汉语，另一人则将对应的英语表达脱口而出。1.absolutely.(用于答话）当然是;正是如此 2.absolutely impossible!绝对不可能！
3.all i have to do is learn english.我所要做的就是学英语。4.are you free tomorrow? 你明天有空吗? 5.are you married? 你结婚了吗？
6.are you used to the food here? 你习惯吃这儿的饭菜吗？ 7.be careful.小心／注意。8.be my guest.请便／别客气。
9.better late than never.迟到总比不到好。10.better luck next time.祝你下一次好运。11.better safe than sorry.小心不要出大错。12.can i have a day off? 我能请一天假吗？ 13.can i help? 要我帮忙吗？
14.can i take a message? 要我传话吗？
15.can i take a rain check? 你能改天再请我吗？ 16.can i take your order? 您要点菜吗？
17.can you give me a wake-up call? 你能打电话叫醒我吗？ 18.can you give me some feedback? 你能给我一些反馈吗？ 19.can you make it？ 你能来吗？
20.can i have a word with you? 我能跟你谈一谈吗？ 21.catch me later.过会儿再来找我。22.cheer up!高兴起来！振作起来！
24.could i have the bill, please? 请把账单给我好吗？
25.could you drop me off at the airport? 你能载我到飞机场吗？ 26.could you speak slower? 你能说得慢一点吗？
27.could you take a picture for me? 你能帮我拍照吗？ 28.did you enjoy your flight? 你的飞行旅途愉快吗？ 29.did you have a good day today? 你今天过得好吗? 30.did you have a nice holiday? 你假期过得愉快吗？ 31.did you have fun？ 你玩得开心吗？ 32.dinner is on me.晚饭我请客。
33.do you have a room available? 你们有空房间吗？ 34.do you have any hobbies? 你有什么爱好？ 35.do you have some change? 你有零钱吗？ 36.do you mind my smoking? 你介意我抽烟吗？ 37.do you often work out？ 你经常锻炼身体吗？ 38.do you speak english? 你会说英语吗？ 39.dont be so modest.别这么谦虚。40.dont bother.不用麻烦了。41.dont get me wrong.别误会我。42.dont give up.别放弃。
43.dont jump to conclusions.不要急于下结论。44.dont let me down.别让我失望。45.dont make any mistakes.别出差错。46.dont mention it.不必客气。
47.dont miss the boat.不要坐失良机。48.dont take any chances.不要心存侥幸。49.dont take it for granted.不要想当然。50.dont worry about it.别担心。52.enjoy your meal.请慢慢享用吧。
53.easier said than done.说时容易做时难。55.for here or to go? 在这儿吃还是带走？ 56.forget it.算了吧。57.forgive me.请原谅我。
58.give me a call.给我打电话。
59.give my best to your family.代我向你们全家问好。60.have him return my call.让他给我回电话。61.have you ever been to japan? 你去过日本吗？ 62.have you finished yet? 你做完了吗？
63.have you got anything larger? 有大一点儿的吗？ 64.have you got that? 你明白我的意思吗？
65.have you heard from mary? 你收到玛丽的来信吗？ 66.he is in conference.他正在开会。67.help yourself, please.请随便吃。68.hold your horses.不要着急 耐心点儿。
69.how can i get in touch with you? 我怎样能跟你联络上？ 70.how do i look? 我看上去怎么样？ 71.how is it going? 情况怎么样？
72.how late are you open? 你们营业到几点？ 73.how long did it last? 持续了多久？
74.how long will it take me to get there? 到那儿要多长时间？ 75.how much is it? 多少钱？
76.how often do you eat out? 你隔多久在外面吃一次饭？ 77.i apologize.我很抱歉。
78.i appreciate your invitation.感谢你的邀请。79.i assure you.我向你保证。
80.i bet you can.我确信你能做到。81.i can manage.我自己可以应付。82.i cant afford it.我买不起。
83.i cant believe it.我简直不敢相信。
84.i cant resist the temptation.我不能抵挡诱惑。85.i cant stand it.我受不了。86.i cant tell.我说不准。
87.i couldnt agree more.我完全同意。88.i couldnt get through.我打不通电话。89.i couldnt help it.我没有办法。90.i didnt mean to.我不是故意的。91.i dont know for sure.我不能肯定。93.i enjoyed it very much.我非常喜欢。94.i envy you.我羡慕你。
95.i feel like having some dumplings.我很想吃饺子。96.i feel terrible about it.太对不起了。97.i feel the same way.我也有同感。
99.i have nothing to do with it.那与我无关。
100.i havent the slightest idea.我一点儿都不知道。101.i hope youll forgive me.我希望你能原谅我。102.i know the feeling.我知道那种感觉。103.i mean what i say.我说话算数。104.i owe you one.我欠你一个人情。
105.i really regret it.我真的非常后悔。106.i suppose so.我想是这样。
107.i thought so, too.我也这样以为。
109.i want to report a theft.我要报一宗盗窃案。110.i want to reserve a room.我想预定一个房间。
111.i was just about to call you.我正准备打电话给你。112.i was moved.= i was touched.我很受感动。113.i wasnt aware of that.我没有意识到。
114.i wasnt born yesterday.我又不是三岁小孩。115.i wish i could.但愿我能。
116.i wouldnt worry about it, if i were you.如果我是你，我就不会担心。like a refund.我想要退款。
118.id like to deposit some money.我想存点儿钱。119.id like to make a reservation.我想订票。120.ill be right with you.我马上就来。121.ill check it.我去查一下。
122.ill do my best.我将会尽我最大努力。123.ill get it.我去接电话。
124.ill give you a hand.我来帮助你。
125.ill have to see about that.这事儿我得想一想再定。126.ill keep my eyes open.我会留意的。127.ill keep that in mind.我会记住的。128.ill pick up the tab.我来付帐。129.ill play it by ear.我将随机应变。
130.ill see what i can do.我会想想该怎么帮你的。131.ill show you.我指给你看。
132.ill take care of it.我来办这件事。133.ill take it.我要了。
134.ill take your advice.我接受你的忠告。135.ill think it over.我仔细考虑一下。
136.ill treat you to diner.我想请你吃晚饭。137.ill walk you to the door.我送你到门口。138.im broke.我身无分文。
139.im crazy about english.我非常喜欢英语。140.im easy to please.我很随和。
141.im glad to hear that.听到这消息我很高兴。142.im glad you enjoyed it.你喜欢我就高兴。143.im good at it.我做这个很在行。144.im in a good mood.我现在心情很好。145.im in good shape.我的身体状况很好。
117.id 146.im just having a look.我只是随便看看。
147.im looking for a part-time job.我正在找兼职工作。148.im looking forward to it.我盼望着这件事。149.im lost.我给搞糊涂了。
150.im not feeling well.我感觉不舒服。151.im not myself today.我今天感觉不好。152.im not really sure.我不太清楚。153.im on a diet.我正在节食。154.im on my way.我这就上路。
155.im pressed for time.我赶时间。
156.im sorry im late.对不起，我迟到了。
157.im sorry to hear that.听到这个消息我感到很遗憾。158.im under a lot of pressure.我压力山大。
159.im working on it.我正在忙这事。
160.ive changed my mind.我已经改变主意。161.ive got a headache.我头痛。162.ive got my hands full.我手头正忙。163.ive got news for you.我要告诉你一个消息。164.ive got no idea.我不知道。165.ive had enough.我受够了。
166.if i were in your shoes.如果我站在你的立场上。167.is that ok? 这样可以吗？
168.is this seat taken? 这位子有人坐吗？ 169.it all depends.视情形而定。
170.it can happen to anyone.这事可能发生在任何人身上。171.it doesnt make any difference.没差别，都一样。172.it doesnt matter to me.这对我来说无所谓。173.it doesnt work.它出故障了。
174.it drives me crazy.它使我快要发疯了。175.it isnt much.这是微不足道的。178.it takes time.这需要时间。
180.it will do you good.这会对你有好处。181.it wont happen again.下不为例。
182.it wont take much time.不会花很多时间的。183.it wont work.行不通。184.its nice meeting you.很高兴认识你。185.its a deal.一言为定。
186.its a long story.真是一言难尽。187.its a nice day today.今天天气很好。
188.its a once in a lifetime chance.这是一生难得的机会。189.its a pain in the neck.这真是苦不堪言。这真讨厌。190.its a piece of cake.小菜一碟。191.its a small world.世界真小。192.its a waste of time.浪费时间。
193.its about time.时间差不多了／是时候了。194.its all my fault.都是我的错。
195.its awesome.棒极了。196.its awful.真糟糕。
197.its been a long time.好久不见。198.its better than nothing.总比没有好。199.its essential.这是必要的。200.its hard to say.很难说。
第四篇：脱口秀主持Ellen的爆笑演讲
邀请名人到本校学生的毕业典礼上做演讲一直以来都是美国大学的传统，不管该位名人是否从这所大学毕业。本期【名人毕业演讲秀】为大家送上脱口秀主持Ellen DeGeneres的杜兰大学演讲。
Ellen毫无疑问是美国现今一线的脱口秀主持人。以自己名字命名的节目Ellen Show收视率居高不下，她还成功主持过第38和39届格莱美、第46届艾美等颁奖礼。她在杜兰大学的演讲延续了自己的幽默风格，在笑声中也回顾了自己的成长，并给毕业学生们以诚恳的建议，听来受益匪浅。点击这里下载演讲音频>>
Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs.President Cowen;distinguished guests, undistinguished guestsaluminialumisI really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do.I did everything from“and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay.And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.Then my career turned intothis was back, many years ago-and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.And I thought, “What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”.I did.I lost my career.The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper.The phone didn't ring for three years.I had no offers.Nobody wanted to touch me at all.Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did.And I realised that I had a purpose.And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished...it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow.And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it.And most stations didn't want to pick it up.Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets.and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous.I want to be a star.I want to be in movies.When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.To quote the Pussycat Dolls.How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It's not, it's “groupies”.But my idea of success is different today.And as you grow, you'll realise the definition of success changes.For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure.to try to be something that you're not.To live your life as an honest and compassionate person.to contribute in some way.So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself.Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.Don't take anyone's advice.So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine.It's gonna be great.You've already survived a hurricane.What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.Like, “Is it above sea level?”.So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras.But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.And you'll be drunk, most of the time.So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.
第五篇：新年联欢会真精彩
新年联欢会真精彩
在星期六的下午，我们班开展了一次别开生面的新年联欢会。大家都想为班里出力，于是都早早的来到教室开始布置。黑板上写了几个美术大字：新年联欢会。还有好多拉花，非常漂亮。
一开始，主持人宣布了新年联欢会正式开始。首先是由王雅伦他们表演的《爱的供养》，他们的表演很精彩，赢得了观众的阵阵掌声。
最精彩的要数耿宇楠的魔术了。她先准备了三个不同颜色的小杯和三个不同颜色的小球。只见，她把三个小杯子让同学们看了一下，确定没有问题后，就把一颗小球放在杯子上，然后又把一个杯子盖在上面，自己轻轻的碰了一下，再打开，小球竟然穿过了第一个杯子。“我的魔力已经不够了。”耿宇楠说，“现在，请一名同学到前面来帮我一下。”同学们都争先恐后的举起手来。耿宇楠叫了张鑫；来到前面，只见他轻轻地碰了一下小杯子，里面的小球又穿越了。最后，耿宇楠有请老师吹了口仙气，奇迹发生了，最后一个小球竟然接连穿越了三个杯子。太神奇了，教室里顿时想起了雷鸣般的掌声。接下来，同学们还表演了很多精彩的节目。有邵鹏和于寒杰的小品《有钱没地儿花》、尤其和杨新月的小品《老师和同学》还有梁博豪的《逗你玩》…….今天的新年联欢会，不仅让我们感受到了节目的精彩，还让我增长了见识。
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