美国著名脱口秀主持人艾伦杜兰大学毕业演讲

第一篇：美国著名脱口秀主持人艾伦杜兰大学毕业演讲

Thank you.President Cowan.Mrs.President Cowen.distinguished guests, undistinguished guests.You know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher.And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hangover and have splitting headaches and haven‟t slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can‟t graduate „til I finish, so listen up.When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes.Then I went to look up what commencement meant.Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia‟s, and they‟re all written in Australian.So I had to break the word down myself to find out the meaning.Commencement.Common, and cement.Common cement.You commonly see cement on sidewalks.Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother‟s back.So there‟s that.But I‟m honored that you‟ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus –alumint –alumini – aluminum – alumis – you had to graduate from this school.And I didn‟t go to college here, and I don‟t know if President Cowen knows, I didn‟t go to any college at all.Any college.And I‟m not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I‟m a huge celebrity.Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers.I spent a lot of time here growing up.My mom works at(?)and I would go there every time I needed to steel something out of her purse.But why am I here today? Clearly not to steel, you‟re too far away and I‟d never get away with it.I‟m here because of you.Because I can‟t think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class.I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes.Usually when you‟re wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you‟ve given up.I‟m here because I love New Orleans.I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and I like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.When I finished school, I was completely lost.And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.And I – I really, I had no ambition;I didn‟t know what I wanted to do.I did everything from I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea.And I thought I‟d just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn‟t really have a plan.My point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I know who I was, but I had no idea.Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.So what I‟m saying is, when you‟re older, most of you will be gay.Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents? Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident.And I passed the accident, and I didn‟t know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her.And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don‟t understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn‟t it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn‟t even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town.I said, I‟m gonna do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.At the time he was the king “and I‟m gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay.And I thought if people found out they wouldn‟t like me, they wouldn‟t laugh at me.Then my career turned into I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success.And I thought, what if they find out I‟m gay, then they‟ll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents this was back, many years ago and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn‟t live that anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn‟t to make a political statement, it wasn‟t to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest, And I thought, “What‟s the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”.I did.I lost my career.The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper.The phone didn‟t ring for three years.I had no offers.Nobody wanted to touch me at all.Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn‟t, because of what I did.And I realized that I had a purpose.And it wasn‟t just about me and it wasn‟t about celebrity, but I felt I was being punished…it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talk show.And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it.And most stations didn‟t want to pick it up.Most people didn‟t want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn‟t change a thing.I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that‟s what‟s gotten me to this place.I don‟t live in fear, I‟m free, I have no secret, and I know I‟ll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.So in conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous.I want to be a star.I want to be in movies.When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.To quote the Pussycat Dolls.How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It‟s not, it‟s “groupies”.But my idea of success is different today.As you grow, you‟ll realize the definition of success change.For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20shots of tequila.For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you‟re not, To live your life as an honest and compassionate person.To contribute in some way.So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself.Never follow anyone‟s path, unless you‟re in the woods and you‟re lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.Don‟t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.Don‟t take anyone‟s advice.So my advice to you is to be true to yourself, and everything will be fine.And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there‟s no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine.It‟s gonna be great.You‟ve already survived a hurricane.What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating thing that happen to you will teach you the most.And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.Like, “Is it above sea level?”.So to conclude my conclusion that I‟ve previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I‟m trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras.But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you‟ll have more beads than you know what to do with.And you‟ll be drunk, most of the time.So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don‟t remember a thing I said today, remember this: you‟re gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.

第二篇：艾伦杜兰大学毕业演讲

Then my career turned intothis was back, many years ago-and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.后来我又有了自己的情景喜剧，也很成功，更进一步的成功，我于是更担心被别人担心是同性恋后怎么办，而且当时是很久很久以前，那是只有白人当总统的年代，好久好久以前。最终我还是决定，与其一直带着耻辱和恐惧生活，不如对这种生活就此做个了结，于是我决定用创意的方式，让剧中的主角和我自己同时出柜，And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.And I thought, “What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”.I did.I lost my career.The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper.The phone didn't ring for three years.I had no offers.不是为了什么政治原因和其它，只是为了让我自己从背负已久的学生枷锁中释放出来，我只是想做真我，我想，“最坏的结果是什么？我可能会失去我的演艺事业”。结果我失业了。我失去了我的事业，我的节目在做了6年后停播了，竟然没有人通知我，我在报纸上才看到这一消息，家里的电话三年都没有响起过，没人找我做节目。

Nobody wanted to touch me at all.Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did.And I realised that I had a purpose.And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished...it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow.And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it.And most stations didn't want to pick it up.Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.没有人愿意启用我。然后我却一直收到想要自杀的同性恋孩子给我的来信，他们因为我的出现而没有自杀，我这才感到，我在这个世上是有意义的，不是因为我，也不是因为名声，但我觉得自己好像是受了惩罚一样，那是一段痛苦的日子，我很愤世嫉俗，很难过。后来有人找我做脱口秀，找我做节目的制作公司努力推销我的节目，然而大多数电视台都不愿意买，他们都不愿意买，因为他们以为没有人会想看我的节目。

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets.and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.每当我回想起这段往事时，我觉得一切都应该这样，真的，对我而言，失去一切太重要了，因为我发现最重要的是要做真我。最终，是我的选择才有了今天的我。生活中没有恐惧和秘密，而且我知道自己是没问题的，因为无论怎样，我都清楚知道自己是谁。

So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous.I want to be a star.I want to be in movies.When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.To quote the Pussycat Dolls.How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It's not, it's “groupies”.所以总的来说，我对成功的看法不同，我想等我长大以后，我要出名。我要当明星，我要拍电影，长大后要环游世界，开名车，有一群影迷跟着，就象“小野猫”里说的那样。顺便问一句，有多少人听成是“咪咪”？听错了，应该是影迷。

But my idea of success is different today.And as you grow, you'll realize the definition of success changes.For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure.To try to be something that you're not.To live your life as an honest and compassionate person.To contribute in some way.So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself.Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.Don't take anyone's advice.So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.但今天我对成功的看法不一样了。当你长大，你会发现成功的定义在改变。对你们中的很多人来说，今天的成功是能灌下20杯龙舌兰酒。对我来说，生命中最重要的事是：是真实地去生活！不要因为别人的压力去逼自己做不是真正的自己，做一个真实的，有爱心的人，在某些方面有所贡献的人。所以总结一下我的总结，追随自己的热情，绝对不要追随别人的脚步，除非你在森林里迷路时看到了路，那你一定要跟上。别给别人忠告，吃力不讨好；也别只是听从别人的忠告。所以我忠告大家：做真实的自己，一切会好的。

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine.It's gonna be great.You've already survived a hurricane.What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.Like, “Is it above sea level?”.我知道在座的很多人都在担心自己的前途，其实不用担心，经济正“发展迅速”，就业机会“一大把”，地球也“好得很”，一切都会很棒，你们都经历过飓风了，还有什么可怕的？就象我以前说的那样，最惨痛的经历教育意义也最大。比如现在你第一次面试，就知道该问考官什么问题了，例如“咱公司的位置高于海平面吗？”

So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras.But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.And you'll be drunk, most of the time.So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.因此„„总结一下我刚才总结过的总结，配合这个“常见的水泥”演讲，我想我要说的是，人生犹如一场狂欢派对，不过要向人们展示你的头脑，而不是你的胸部，如果人们欣赏你，你就不必担心没活干了，然后你就可以安枕无忧。2009年的毕业生们，恭喜大家，那怕我今天说的你全都会忘记，请记住这句：你没问题的，哒哒哒，让我们跳舞吧。

第三篇：脱口秀主持人Ellen 杜兰大学2009毕业典礼演讲

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs.President Cowen;distinguished guests, undistinguished guestsaluminialumisI really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do.I did everything from“and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay.And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.Then my career turned intothis was back, many years ago-and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.And I thought, “What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”.I did.I lost my career.The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper.The phone didn't ring for three years.I had no offers.Nobody wanted to touch me at all.Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did.And I realised that I had a purpose.And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished...it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow.And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it.And most stations didn't want to pick it up.Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets.and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous.I want to be a star.I want to be in movies.When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.To quote the Pussycat Dolls.How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It's not, it's “groupies”.But my idea of success is different today.And as you grow, you'll realise the definition of success changes.For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure.to try to be something that you're not.To live your life as an honest and compassionate person.to contribute in some way.So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself.Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.Don't take anyone's advice.So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine.It's gonna be great.You've already survived a hurricane.What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.Like, “Is it above sea level?”.So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras.But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.And you'll be drunk, most of the time.So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.谢谢，考恩校长和校长夫人、各位尊贵和没那么尊贵的嘉宾——你自己知道自己是谁，以及各位杰出的教师和弱智的西班牙语老师。也感谢所有2009界毕业生，我知道你们大多没睡醒并头痛欲裂，狂欢节后就根本没睡过，但我讲完之前你们不能毕业，所以好好听着。

有人找我做毕业致辞的时候，我立刻就答应了。然后，我转身去查毕业致辞是什么意思。如果我有本词典，很容易查得到。但我们家大部分的书都是波蒂亚的，它们都是用澳大利亚语写的。（波蒂亚，澳大利亚模特，Ellen's partner）因此，我不得不自己把这词拆开来，以明白它的意思。

毕业致辞（Commencement）就是普通（Common）和水泥（cement）。普通水泥。我们总在路上看到水泥。路上也有裂缝，一旦你踏进裂缝，就会摔坏你妈妈的背。//不明白//故，有此说。不过，我很荣幸，你们让我在普通水泥上发言。

我以为，做毕业致辞的得是著名校友、小游、效尤、消油，总之，你得从这学校毕业。可我并不是这里毕业的，我不知道考恩校长知道么，我根本没从任何大学毕业。任何大学。当然，我不是说你们浪费时间和金钱，但是看看我，我可是超级名流啊。

虽然我也在学校饱受磨难（knock），但我们的吉祥物就是门把手（knocker）//我又不明白了//我在这里长大。我妈妈也在这里工作（？），每次我要从她钱包里偷点钱的时候，我就到这里来。但是，今天我为什么到这里来呢？显然，不是要偷东西，你们都离我太远了，而且偷了东西我也跑不掉。我今天来这里是因为你们。没有比你们更坚韧，更勇敢的毕业班了。我的意思是，看看你们，穿着长袍。一般来说，你早上十点穿着长袍，意味着你已经完蛋了。//还是不明白//我来这里，是因为我喜欢新奥尔良。我生在这里出生，在这里长大。和你一样，当我住在这里，只洗过六次衣服。我从学校毕业的时候后，就完全失去了方向。我所说的学校，是指初中。无论如何我还是继续，读完了高中。我，真的，没有什么抱负，我不知道自己想做什么。于是我什么都做，我做过剥牡蛎的、我做过女主持、我做过酒保、我做过服务员、我做过粉刷匠、我做过卖吸尘器的，我不知道做什么。我想，我最后会在某个工作固定下来，会有足够的钱租房，也许还有基本的有线电视，也许没有。我真的不知道，我是说，我在你们这个年纪的时候，我以为自己知道自己是谁，但是我不知道。例如，我在你们这个年纪的时候，我还跟男人约会呢。(本文作者系著名女同志，在八号提案被否决后，高调和女友结婚，双方家长参加。)所以，我说的是，当你们长大以后，多会变成同性恋的。这句话有人记下来么？父母们记下来了么？

话说回来，那时候，我不知道我生命中想做什么，一件非常悲惨的事情让我醒悟。那年我19岁，我当时的女友死于车祸。我从旁经过，不知道那就是她，我继续走，过了会儿我才发现，那就是她。我住在一个地下室里，没有钱，没有暖气，没有新鲜空气，有个床垫，就放在地板上，房间里满是跳蚤。而我不断的想，不断的想，为什么她突然消失了，而跳蚤还在这里？//也不是很明白//我不能理解，但一定有一个旨意，如果可以拿起电话就打给上帝问这些问题，那多好啊。

于是，我开始写东西，喷涌而出的就是我跟上帝的对话，单方面的。写完了，我看着它，我对自己说——那时候我还没做过脱口秀，小镇里也没有这样的表演——我对自己说，“我要在约翰尼卡森的《今夜秀》上跟大家说这些” ——当时，他是脱口秀之王——“我会成为这个节目里第一个女嘉宾，第一个能坐下的女嘉宾”（因果不明，但是在某官员说同志不能结婚的时候，Ellen当着他的面立即说“以前你们还说我不能坐在这里呢”——用的是黑人妇女坐车的典故。）几年之后，就因为我写了跟上帝通电话，而成为这个节目里第一个女嘉宾，也是唯一的女嘉宾。之后我开始做脱口秀，很成功，很厉害，但也很难，因为我试图讨好每个人，而我心中有一个秘密：我是同性恋。我想，如果人们不喜欢我的话，他们就不会喜欢我的节目。//是这个意思吧？//

然后，我的职业生涯又转到了电视剧，我自己的电视剧，很成功，另一个数量级的成功。可我想，如果他们发现我是同性恋，那么他们永远不会看我的电视剧了。那是很久以前的事了，那时候我们还只有白人总统。回来，回到多年前。//不明//我的生活里已经有太多羞耻，太多恐惧，多得不能再多了，最后我决定出轨，而且要有创意。与此同时，我在电视剧里的角色也出柜了，这可不是政治宣言，这只是我在自己生活的这片空间里释放了自己，我只是说实话，而我想，“最坏的可能是什么呢？失业吧。”我做到了。我失业了。节目被取消了，都没有人告诉我，六年后我看报纸才知道的。三年里没有一个电话面试。没有工作机会。没有任何人想跟我联系。但是，我有收到孩子们的来信，本来要自杀的，但是因为看到我所做的而没有做傻事。我意识到我自己有一个旨意。它不仅仅是关于我，也不是关于名流，而是我觉得自己好像受到惩罚。。日子不好过，我很生气，我很悲伤，然后我终于得到一个做脱口秀节目的机会。//什么意思啊？！//节目做好，要卖出去的时候，多数电视台看都不看。多数人不愿意买这个节目，因为他们觉得没有人会要看我的节目。

当我回首这段，真的，我不想改变什么。我的意思是，失去一切对于我来说很重要，因为这让我领悟到，对于我来说最重要的是，忠实于自己。正是忠实于自己，才让我有机会到这里来致辞。我不再害怕了，我自由了，我没有秘密，我知道自己没什么问题，因为不管发生什么，我知道自己是谁。所以，总结一下，我年轻时候的对于成功的看法和现在不同。我想，当我长大了，我要出名。我想成为明星。我想做电影。当我长大了，我想环游世界，驾驶好车，我想有自己的粉丝（groupies）。以上引用Pussycat Dolls演唱组的话。嘿，有多少人听成了蠢货（boobies），不，我说的是粉丝。

但，今天我对成功的看法完全不同。等你长大，就明白成功的定义是会变的。今天，对于你们来，成功就是一口喝掉二十杯烈酒。对我来说，最重要的是忠实于自己，做完整的自己，不要因别人的压力而改变自己，委曲不能求全。//这句怎么说才能好呢//做诚实的，有同情心的人，这里那里做出些贡献。最后，总结一下我的总结：跟随你的心，忠实于自己。不要走别人的路，除非你在树林里迷路了，看到这么一条路，非走不可。也不要给别人乱出主意，它只会给你自己添乱。不要听别人的意见。所以，我给你的意见是：忠实于自己，一切都会好的。

我知道，有不少人关心自己的前途，但没必要担心。经济蓬勃发展，人才市场空着呢，坐飞机也不会死。//wide open怎么翻啊//会好起来的。你们都已经躲过了飓风。还有什么可以发生在你们身上？正如我前面提到的，发生在你身上最坏的事情会给你最深的领悟。现在，你知道了第一次面试的时候应该问的问题了。譬如说，“是海平面以上（安全的地方）对吗？”。最后的最后，再来总结一下我普通水泥上的总结，我猜，我所想说的是，人生就是一场大的狂欢节。但，不要展示你的胸部，而是展示你的脑部，如果他们喜欢他们看到的，你会有更多珠子。//我不行了//多数时候，你都喝高了。好了，纯洁的2009界毕业生，祝福你们毕业了。如果你完全不记得我今天说哪些，请记住这句：你没什么问题。dum de dum dum dum，跳舞吧（Ellen DeGeneres's Show的结束音乐。）

第四篇：脱口秀主持人Ellen杜兰大学2009毕业典礼演讲

脱口秀主持人埃伦2009年杜兰大学毕业演讲稿英文版

第五篇：美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南在达特茅斯演讲

美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南•奥布莱恩为2011年达特茅斯学院做了毕业致辞。前半部分有很多搞笑串场，后半部分柯南跟大家分享了自己的经历和人生经验：正是那些既定想法的失败，才使我们成为独一无二的人！以下是演讲全文：

I've been living in Los Angeles for two years, and I've never been this cold in my life.I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves.Anybody.I'm serious.I have the cash.Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom.I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011.Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma.That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce.I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.Incidentally, speaking of Mr.Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair.For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend.That was great.And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight.Deal with it.Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent.Deal with it.I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today.After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man.He goes by President Kim and Dr.Kim.To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, “Stinky Pete.” He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in 2006.Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for? Seriously.We get it.You're smart.By the way Dr.Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor.Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit.Literally.Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat.I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car.You know, New Hampshire is such a special place.When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, “Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made.” But don't get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously.When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper.So late last night, I began.I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser.I think Wikipedia put it best when they said “Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States.” Thank you and good luck.To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns.In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.Yes, I've done my research.This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty.Your school motto is “Vox clamantis in deserto,” which means “Voice crying out in the wilderness.” This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard.Apparently, it narrowly beat out “Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub” and “Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants.” Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—“it was the only color that had not been taken already.” I cannot remember hearing anything so sad.Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not.You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college.Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy.Pete Campbell from Mad Men.Michael Corleone from The Godfather.In fact, I look forward to next years' Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula.Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner.Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth, you're going to say, well “We've got Dr.Seuss.” Well guess what, we're all tired of hearing about Dr.Seuss.Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle.In the literary community, that's called cheating.Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don't even think you deserve a real podium.I'm sorry.What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova Scotia.Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall.Raise your heads high and feel proud.Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest.Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room.And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly, who gives a shit.Yes, I've always had a special bond with this school.In fact, this is my second time coming here.When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth.Dartmouth was a very different place back then.I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus.No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction.It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months.I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders.Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return.But fate dealt a heavy blow.With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River.I was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth? If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'd be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn't know the second verse to “Dear Old Dartmouth.” Face it, none of you do.You all mumble that part.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard.Imagine how awesome that would be.You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address.That's right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world.To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy.Winston Churchill gave his famous “Iron Curtain” speech at Westminster College in 1946.JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963.Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it “The Conan Doctrine.” Under “The Conan Doctrine”:

-All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees.All master's degrees will be upgraded to PhDs.And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.-Under “The Conan Doctrine,” Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio.Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.-Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick-ass like “The Jade Blade,” the “Seafoam Avenger,” or simply “Lime-Zilla.”

-The D-Plan and “quarter system” will finally be updated to “the one sixty-fourth system.” Semesters will last three days.Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off.They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.-Under “The Conan Doctrine,” I will re-instate Tubestock.And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock.Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer.I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk.Don't let those bastards do it.And finally, under “The Conan Doctrine,” all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world.Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!

Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like “reach for the stars.” Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés.Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.-First, adult acne lasts longer than you think.I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.-Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.-Here's another one.If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.-And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well.Parents, you should write this down:

-Many of your children you haven't seen them in four years.Well, now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working.-If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried.The only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece.Good luck with that degree.-The traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle of the K's.And, I have to tell you this:

-You will spend more money framing your child's diploma than they will earn in the next six months.It's tough out there, so be patient.The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.Yes, you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there.And one of the reasons it's so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs.Trust me on this.Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back.Of course I'm speaking generally.But enough.This is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity.No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you.Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard.I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say.But then 2010 came.And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you.In 2000, I told graduates “Don't be afraid to fail.” Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.Nietzsche famously said “Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.” But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting.What Nietzsche should have said is “Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.” Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful.But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment.I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years.I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid.It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.But then something spectacular happened.Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things.I grew a strange, cinnamon beard.I dove into the world of social media.I started tweeting my comedy.I threw together a national tour.I played the guitar.I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family.Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman.I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life.To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going.At Harvard, five different guys in my class told me that they would one day be President of the United States.Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs.The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues, before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out.Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.Way back in the 1940s there was a very, very funny man named Jack Benny.He was a giant star, easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation.And a

much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny.In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't.He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction.And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation.David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman.And none of us are.My peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways.But the point is this : It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed.For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show.It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful.But that is not true.No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you.In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that.But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come.The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it.And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than “follow your dream.” Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change.And that's okay.Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become.And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined.Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed.I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech.I know I have.But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007.I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true.I'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago.At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.” Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more.Thank you very much, and congratulations.