第一篇：英语笑话。。圣诞节
一．A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning.She was very excited, and said: “That'll be terrific!Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!”
一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？”
二．Mrs.Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs.Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs.Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。” 12月25日，是基督教徒纪念耶稣诞生的日子，称为圣诞 节。
从12月24日于翌年1月6日为圣诞节节期。节日期间，各国基督教徒都举行隆重的纪念仪式。圣诞节本来是基督教徒的节日，由于人们格外重视，它便成为一个全民性的节日，是西方国家一年中最盛大的节日，可以和新年相提并论，类似我国过春节。
西方人以红、绿、白三色为圣诞色，圣诞节来临时家家户户都要用圣诞色来装饰。红 色的有圣诞花和圣诞蜡烛。绿色的是圣诞树。它是圣诞节的主要装饰品，用砍伐来的杉、柏一类呈塔形的常青树装饰而成。上面悬挂着五颜六色的彩灯、礼物和纸花，还点燃着圣 诞蜡烛。
红色与白色相映成趣的是圣诞老人，他是圣诞节活动中最受欢迎的人物。西方儿童在 圣诞夜临睡之前，要在壁炉前或枕头旁放上一只袜子，等候圣诞老人在他们入睡后把礼物 放在袜子内。在西方，扮演圣诞老人也是一种习俗。
Christmas, annual Christian holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ.Most members of the Roman Catholic Church and followers of Protestantism celebrate Christmas on December 25, and many celebrate on the evening of December 24 as well.Members of the Eastern Orthodox Church usually delay their most important seasonal ceremonies until January 6, when they celebrate Epiphany, a commemoration of the baptism of Jesus.Epiphany also traditionally commemorates the arrival of the Three Wise Men of the East in Bethlehem(near Jerusalem, Israel), where they adored the infant Jesus and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.The official Christmas season, popularly known as either Christmastide or the Twelve Days of Christmas, extends from the anniversary of Christ’s birth on December 25 to the feast of Epiphany on January 6.Christmas is based on the story of Jesus’ birth as described in the Gospel according to Matthew(see Matthew 1:18-2:12)and the Gospel according to Luke(see Luke 1:26-56).Roman Catholics first celebrated Christmas, then known as the Feast of the Nativity, as early as 336 ad.The word Christmas entered the English language sometime around 1050 as the Old English phrase Christes maesse, meaning “festival of Christ.” Scholars believe the frequently used shortened form of Christmas—Xmas—may have come into use in the 13th century.The X stands for the Greek letter chi, an abbreviation of Khristos(Christ), and also represents the cross on which Jesus was crucified.
第二篇：关于圣诞节的英语笑话
关于圣诞节的英语笑话
A half-eaten egg was a result it becomes a leftover egg!I wish Merry Christmas
一个鸡蛋被吃剩半边，结果它变成了剩蛋！预祝圣诞快乐
The thief and the judge
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.“What are you charged with?” he asked.“Doing my christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.“That's no offense,” replied the judge, “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.法官与小偷
那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。
“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”
在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。
Jesus's Telly
A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib.Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval.The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired.“But what's that in the corner?” asked Mother.“Oh, that's their telly,” replied the tot.耶稣的电视机
圣诞节时孩子要了纸和蜡笔，想画一张耶稣诞生像。最后这件艺术品被陈列出来供父母鉴赏。
他们对耶稣诞生后睡的马槽，牧羊人，耶稣及其家庭都逐一表示赞赏。
“可是那个角落里是什么？”妈妈问。
“噢，那是他们的电视机，”孩子回答说。
What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?
Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe
圣诞老人喜欢在花园里做什么？
答案：锄地。（英文里Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是锄草之意，ho则是圣诞老人的笑声。）On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel.Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000NT bill lying on the floor.Which one of them do you think picked it up?
Answer: Santa of course!Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
圣诞节前夕，圣诞老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律师在一家高级饭店一同等电梯，门还未开前，三人同时看到地上有一张新台币1000元的钞票，猜猜谁会将它捡起？
答案：当然是圣诞老人啦！为什么？因为大家都知道另外两者并不存在。
英语：If you have not received my Christmas present, it has to be because of-your socks have a big hole!Bu Bu it fast！中文：如果你今天没收到我的圣诞礼物，那一定是因为--你的袜子有个大洞！快补补吧！
英语：a few days later I heard that you want to have eggs, that true? That I wish you lay eggs(Christmas)Happy!In a few days you have to Egg's full moon, I also wish you a round ahead of eggs(New Year's Day)Happy!Send中文：听说你过几天要生个蛋,真的吗?那我得祝你生蛋(圣诞)快乐!再过几天你的蛋蛋又要满月,那么我就也提前祝你圆蛋(元旦)快乐!发送
英语：I wish to Santa Claus on Christmas Eve: I hope that no matter how bad your feet, wear socks when tomorrow morning, I'll give you receive the full blessing, the warmth of your heart and feet ㄚ子!中文：平安夜我向圣诞老人许愿：希望不管你脚多么臭，明早当穿起袜子时，能收到我给你的满满的祝福，温暖你的心和脚ㄚ子！
第三篇：圣诞节英语笑话有哪些?推荐三则
圣诞节英语笑话有哪些?推荐数三则
圣诞节英语笑话一.the thief and the judge
it was christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.“what are you charged with?” he asked.“doing my christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.“that's no offense,” replied the judge, “how early were you doing this shopping?”
“before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.法官与小偷
那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉?”他问。
“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。
“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早?”
在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。
圣诞节英语笑话二.jesus's telly
a child on christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib.eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval.the manager, the shepherds, jesus and holy family wore duly admired.“but what's that in the corner?” asked mother.“oh, that's their telly,” replied the tot.耶稣的电视机
圣诞节时孩子要了纸和蜡笔，想画一张耶稣诞生像。最后这件艺术品被陈列出来供父母鉴赏。
他们对耶稣诞生后睡的马槽，牧羊人，耶稣及其家庭都逐一表示赞赏。
“可是那个角落里是什么?”妈妈问。
“噢，那是他们的电视机，”孩子回答说。
圣诞节英语笑话三
on christmas eve santa claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel.just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000nt bill lying on the floor.which one of them do you think picked it up?
answer: santa of course!why? because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
圣诞节前夕，圣诞老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律师在一家高级饭店一同等电梯，门还未开前，三人同时看到地上有一张新台币1000元的钞票，猜猜谁会将它捡起?
答案：当然是圣诞老人啦!为什么?因为大家都知道另外两者并不存在。
第四篇：英语笑话
英语笑话
笑话一：A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”(某女士带着宝宝坐公交车。司机说：“这是我见过最丑的宝宝。噢!”该女走到车厢后部坐下来，正恼怒得七窍生烟。她对邻座的男子说：“那司机刚才辱骂我!”男子说：“你过去让他滚——去吧，我会帮你把这猴子看好的。”)
笑话二：Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there.And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”(福尔摩斯和华生出去露营。他们在星空下支起帐篷然后入睡了。半夜时分，福尔摩斯叫醒华生，说：“华生，抬头看看天空，然后告诉我你看到了什么。”华生答道：“我看见了数以百万计的星星。”福尔摩斯说：“那你从这可以推断出什么结果呢?”华生又答：“哦，如果有几百万颗星星的话，即使里面只有少数的一些行星，那么就有可能存在像地球那样的行星。如果有像地球那样的行星，那上面就可能会有生命存在。”福尔摩斯：“华生你这个白痴，这意味着有人偷了俺们的帐篷。”
笑话三：Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps, “My friend is dead!What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down.I can help.First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”(两个猎人在树林里，这时其中一人倒下地。这人似乎已经没有呼吸，眼睛也呆滞无神。另一个家伙拿出电话呼叫应急服务。他气喘吁吁地说：“我的朋友挂了!我该怎么办?”话务员说：“冷静点，我可以帮你。首先，要确认他死了。”对方在电话里安静下来，然后听到一声枪响。那厮拿回电话：“搞定了，现在该干嘛了?”)
第五篇：英语笑话
1.A boy swore to a girl: 'Honey, do please marry me, otherwise I'll die'
The girl refused.Sixty years later, the boy died.一男生向一女生发誓：亲爱的，请你一定要嫁给我，不然我会死掉的女孩拒绝了。六十年后，那个男生死掉了。
2.Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost（路牌，路标）says, 'School--Go Slow' 老师：约翰，为什么你每天早上都迟到呢？
约翰：每次我走到街角的时候，都有一块路牌写着：“学校-小心慢行”
3.Teacher: Tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? And where is your homework book? Tom: Sorry, Miss.I met a robber on my way to school this morning...Teachse: Oh, My Gosh!So terrible!Did he robber anything from you?
Tom: He...he robbed my homework book....老师：汤姆，你今天为什么迟到这么久？还有你的家庭作业本呢？
汤姆：对不起，老师，我今天在上学的路上遇上了一个抢劫犯……
老师：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他抢了你什么东西没有？
汤姆：他……他抢走了我的家庭作业本……
4.A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.Wow, she thought, this crab is really special.I can't let him get away.So they got married immediately.The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.“What happened?” she asked.“ You used to walk straight before we were married.”
“Oh, honey, ” he replied, “I can't drink that much every day.一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要娶她为妻。她注意到他走路是直着走，而不是横着走。哇！她想，这只雄蟹可真特别，我可不能让他跑了。因此他们立刻结婚了。
第二天，她又发现她的新郎像其他蟹一样横着走路了。她深感不安。“你怎么了？”她问，“我们结婚前你可是直着走路的。”
“哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me.”You'll get that degree, dear,“ she whispered.”Perseverance is a virtue.“美 德
获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。
最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”
1.和买驴的人
A man wanted to buy an ass.He went to the market, and saw a likely one.But he wanted totest him first.So he took the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses.The new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass inthe stable.When the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and gave him back to
his owner.The owner felt quite surprised.He asked the man, ”Why are you back so soon? Haveyou tested him already?“ ”I don't want to test him any more,“ replied the man, ”From thecompanion he chose for himself, I could see what sort of animal he is.“
中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，但是他想要牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放
在自己其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套
上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很奇怪，他问买主：“你怎么这么快就回来了？”买主说：“不必
再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经知道他是什么样了。”
2.The Looney Bin
疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum(疯人院）one inmate shouted, ”I am Napoleon!“
Another one said, ”How do you know?“
The first inmate said, ”God told me!“
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, ”I did not!“
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：”我是拿破仑！“另一个说：”你怎么知道？“第一个人说：”上帝对
我说的！“一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：”我没说！“
Notes:
（1）Looney(俚语）疯子
（2）inmate（n.同住者,同室者(特指在医院、监狱)）
（3）insane asylum(疯人院）
3.A mother mouse
老鼠的第二语言也重要
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush.She watched the cat, and
the cat watched the mice.Mother mouse barked fiercely, ”Woof, woof, woof!“ The cat
was so terrified that it ran for it's life.Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, ”Now, do you
understand the value of a second language?“
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”
1、Life after death死后重生
”Do you believe in life after death?“ the boss asked one of his employees.”Yes, Sir.“ the new recruit replied.”Well, then, that makes everything just fine,“ the boss went on.”After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.“你相信人能死后重生吗？”老板问他的一个员工。
“我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。
“哦，那还好”。老板接着说。
“你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”
2、Talking clock
会说话的钟
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.“How's it work?”
“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot!It's two o'clock in the morning!”
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”
3、Pig or Witch
猪还是女巫
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.A woman is driving down the same road.As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells “PIG！” The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “WITCH(女巫)！” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would listen.一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。
4、Blind Date
相亲（笑话）
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news.My grandfather just died.”“Thank heavens,” his date replied.“If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!”
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
5、The Mean Man's Party
吝啬鬼的聚会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open, push with your foot.”
“Why use my elbow and foot?”
“Well, gosh,” was the reply, “You're not coming empty-handed, are you?”
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”
一、我们什么也没留下We Left Nothing
Mrs Brown was going out for the day.She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: “NOBODY HOME.DON‟T LEAVE ANYTHING.” When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked.On the note she had left, she found the following message added:“THANKS!WE HAVEN‟T LEFT ANYTHING!” 我们什么也没留下
布朗太太要外出一天。她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西！” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢！我们什么也没留下！”
我去应聘时，考官是一漂亮小姐，一紧张我说了如下内容：
二、“My name is „old five wang‟”（我叫王老五）
“I boom（炸出）at 1971year！”（我生于1971年）※born我念成了boom，反正很像。“My toyear is 28year”（今年28岁）※事后才知today是今天，但今年不是toyear。“My home have a papa and a mama and a didi”（家里有爸妈跟一个弟弟）※其实我知道弟弟要用brother，但因念太顺了，所以念成didi。
“and a uncle and a young watch sister and a old watch sister live with us”（还有一个叔叔与一个表妹一个表姐跟我们住在一起）※事后才知表姐表妹都错了，watch是表没错，但是watch是指手表。可是我发誓读书时英文没教过表姐妹的英文。
“my interest is sing song、see movie、xxxx do computer and push horse road”（我的兴趣是唱歌、看电影、操作电脑和压马路）※我念到操作电脑时，她有咦的一声，这小姐会不会听不懂。后来我才知道英文骂人的“操”字跟“操作”的字是不同的。
“my special long is up internet、sales、play power move
game and beat word”（我的专长是上网、业务、玩电动玩具和打字）
“In the future I hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy”（在未来我希望能去环游世界和能帮助每一个人都很快乐）
“thank you and over！”（谢谢！完了！）
那小姐整整愣了一分钟。
三、Next time that you think you‟re having a bad day
The average cost of rehabilitate one seal after the Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively-saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.A minute later, a killer whale ate them both.阿拉斯加瓦尔迪兹发生石油泄漏以后，救援每只海豹的平均费用达到8万美元。在一个特别的仪式上面，有两只花巨款拯救回来的海豹，在人们的欢呼和掌声中被放回大自然。一分钟后，它们双双被一头杀人鲸吞入肚中。
四、Blind Date(相亲）
After being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his blind date.Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,“I have some bad news.My grandfather just died.”“Thank heavens,” his date replied.“If yours hadnt, mine would have had to!”
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了.他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了.当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说：“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了.”
“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了！”
...五、小男孩与驴子 A Small Boy and a Donkey
A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp.A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad.What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them.So he wont join the army,英语笑话带翻译 the youngster replied without blinking an eye.一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房.两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：小孩,你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？
这样,他就不会去参军了.小家伙眼都不眨地回答道.
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