写写帮会员为你精心整理了39篇《英语小笑话》的范文，但愿对你的工作学习带来帮助，希望你能喜欢！
篇一：英语小笑话推荐
A Useful Way 一个有效的方法
Father: Jack，why do you drink so much water?
Jack: I have just had an apple，Dad。
Father: What“s that got to do with it?
Jack: I forgot to wash the apple。
爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀?
杰克：我刚才吃了个苹果，爸爸。
爸爸：可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢?
杰克：我忘了洗苹果呀。
篇二：英语小笑话
我根本就看不见
After supper，the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests。At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV，”Honey，go see if the kitchen light is on or not?“ After a while，her son returnedand said，”Ma，the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all。“
晚饭后，父亲和母亲都忙着和客人玩麻将，这时母亲忽然想起点儿事来，便对正在看电视的儿子说道：“宝贝，去看看厨房里的灯是不是还开着呢?” 过了一会儿，儿子回来说：“妈，厨房里太黑了，我根本就看不见。”
篇三：英语小笑话
Toms excuse 汤姆的借口
Teacher: Tom，why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I e to the corner，a sign says，School-Go Slow。
教师：汤姆，您为什么每一天上学迟到?
汤姆：我每次走过拐角，一个路标上头写着：学校----慢行。
篇四：英语小笑话
三只乌龟
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee。Just as they got into the cafe，it started to rain。
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one，” Go home and get the umbrella。“
The little turtle replied，”I will，if you dont drink my offee。“
”We wont，“ the other two promised。
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle，”Well，I guess he isnt ing back，so we might as well drink his coffee。“
Just then a voice called from outside the door，”If you do，I wont go。“
三只乌龟决定去喝咖啡。它们刚到咖啡店的门口，就下起雨来。于是最大的那只乌龟对最小的乌龟说，“回家去取伞吧。”
最小的乌龟说，“如果你们不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去。”
“我们不喝，”另外两只乌龟答应说。
两年后，大乌龟对中乌龟说，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回来了，我们能够把它的咖啡喝掉了。”
正在这时，一个声音从门外传来，“你们要是喝了，我就不去。”
篇五：英语小笑话
”Excuse me，but the seat youve taken is mine。“
”Yours?Can you prove it?“
”Yes，I put a cup of ice cream on it。“
”请原谅，你占了我的位置。“
”你的位置?你能征明这点吗?“
”能，我在位置上放了杯冰激凌。“
篇六：英语小笑话
孩子的祈祷
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents house。At bedtime，the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers，when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs: ”I pray for a bicycle。I pray for a new toy。“
两个小男孩在祖父母家过夜。睡觉的时候，两个小男孩跪在床边开始祈祷，这时小一些的孩子扯开嗓子大声喊道：“我祈求得到一辆自行车。我祈求有一个新玩具。”
His older brother leaned over，nudged him and said，”Why are you shouting your prayers? God isnt deaf。“
他的哥哥靠过来，用肘轻碰他说：“你为什么这么大声喊叫呢？上帝又不是聋子。”
To which the little brother replied，”No，but Grandma is!“
弟弟回答说：“是的，可是奶奶听不到呀！”
篇七：英语小笑话
The poor husband
”You cant imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife，“ the man plained to his friend。”She asks me a question，then answers it herself，and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong。
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自我回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
篇八：英语小笑话
Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings。
“Look，” said the elder brother。“How nice these paintings are!”
“Yes，” said the younger，“but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children。Where is the father?”
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained，“Obviously he was painting the pictures。”
父亲在哪儿?
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀!”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，仅有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
篇九：英语小笑话
Put your feet in
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle，and was busily chewing gum，when the teacher espied her。“Mary!” called the teacher sharply。“Yes，Madam?” questioned the pupil，“Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!”
把脚放进去
一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被教师发现了。“玛丽!”教师严厉地叫她。“什么事，教师?”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。”
篇十：英语小笑话
Intelligent son
One day，the father lets eight year-old son send a letter，the son took the letter，the father then remembered didnt write the address and addressees name on the envelope。
After the son es back，the father asks him: “You have thrown the letter in the mail box?”
“Certainly”
“You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?”
“I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope。”
“Then why you didnt take it back?”
“I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee，is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!”
聪明的儿子
有一天，父亲让八岁的儿子去寄一封信，儿子已经拿着信跑了，父亲才想起信封上没写地址和收信人的名字。
儿子回来后，父亲问他:“你把信丢进邮筒了吗?” “当然”“你没看见信封上没有写地址和收信人名字吗?”
“我当然看见信封上什么也没写”“那你为什么不拿回来呢?”
“我还以为你不写地址和收信人，是为了不想让我明白你把信寄给谁呢!”
篇十一：英语小笑话
Dentist: Please stop howling。I havent even touched your tooth yet。
Patient: I know。But you are standing on my foot!
牙医：请不要再叫了，我都还没有挨着你的牙齿啊!
病人：可是，亲，你可明白，你踩到我脚了！!
篇十二：英语小笑话
A father of five came home with a toy，summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present，“Who is the most obedient，never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired。There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it，Daddy!”
一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应当给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么?”他问道。大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。”
篇十三：英语小笑话
Let Dog in Hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me。He is well-groomed and very well behaved。Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner，who said，“Ive been operating this hotel for many years。In all that time，Ive never had a dog steal towels，bedclothes，silverware or pictures off the walls。Ive never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly。And Ive never had a dog run out on a hotel bill。Yes，indeed，your dog is wele at my hotel。And，if your dog will vouch for you，youre wele to stay here，too。”
一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我十分期望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”
旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单，餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们十分欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。
篇十四：英语小笑话
Guest: “Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?”
Hotel Host: “I cant imagine，unless its because you have the plate he usually eats from。”
客人：“为什么你的狗狗坐在那儿老是看着我吃东西呢?”
旅馆主人：“我不敢想象，除非是因为你拿了它经常用来吃东西的'盘子了。”
篇十五：英语小笑话
Kate: Mom，do you know what Im going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No，Honey，what?
Kate: A nice teapot。
Mom: But Ive got a nice teapot。
Kate: No，you havent。Ive just dropped it。
凯特：妈妈，你明白我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗?
妈妈：不明白，宝贝，是什么呀?
凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。
妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。
凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。
篇十六：英语小笑话
George es from school on the first of September。
“George，how did you like your new teacher?” asked his mother。
“I didnt like her，Mother，because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too。。”
9月1日，乔治放学回到家里。
“乔治，你喜欢你们的新教师吗？” 妈妈问。
“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6，可之后又说2加4也得6。”
篇十七：英语小笑话
Dentist: Im sorry，madam，but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth。
Mother: Twenty-five dollars!But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction。
Dentist: I usually do。But your son yelled so loud，he scared four other patients out of the office。
昂贵的代价
牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。
母亲：二十五美元!可是我明白您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀?
牙科医生：是的。可是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了
篇十八：英语小笑话
Does the dog know the proverb，too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog。
“Its all right，” said a gentleman，“dont be afraid。Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?”
“Ah，yes，” answered the little boy。“I know the proverb，but does the dog know the proverb，too?”
狗也明白这个谚语吗?
一个小男孩十分不喜欢狗狂叫的样貌。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你明白这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是明白，可是狗也明白吗?”
篇十九：英语小笑话
“Tom, whats the matter with your brother?” asked the mother in the kitchen.“Hes crying.”
“Oh, nothing, Mum,” replied Tom.“Im eating my cake.He is crying because I wont give him any.”
“But has he finished his own cake?”
“Yes.” said Tom.“And he also cried when I was helping him finish that.”
“汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？” 妈妈在厨房里问。“他在哭。”
“没事儿，妈妈，” 汤姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。”
“他已经吃完自己的了么？”
“是的。” “我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。”
篇二十：英语小笑话
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students。He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait。
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in。The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point。”
The next class the professor handed the tests back out。This student got back his test and $64 change。
一天，教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷，然后回到讲台前等待。
考试结束了，学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票，还有一张纸条写着：“一分一块钱。”
第二堂课，教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。
篇二十一：英语小笑话
它咬人吗
Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, “Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam.”
“Don't trust dreams, dear.It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite.” Mother replied.“Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight,” Tom said.在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”
“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。
“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。
两颗心脏在跳动
Nurse: How do you feel after your operation?
Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me.Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now.护士：手术后你感觉怎样?
病人：十分好，只是我能感觉到我体内有两颗心脏在跳动。
护士：怪不得给你做手术的大夫刚才在到处寻找他的手表。
生日
Professor: When is your birthday?
Kid: May 30.Professor: Which year?
Kid: Every year.教授：你的生日是什么时候?
孩子：5月30日。
教授：哪一年?
孩子：每年都是。
篇二十二：英语新年小笑话
英语小笑话：It's His Fault
It's His Fault
Billy and Bobby were small boys.They were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.Last Saturday their mother said to them, I'm going to cook our lunch now.Go out and play in the garden and be good.Yes, Mummy, the two boys answered, and they went out.They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen.Mummy, he said, Bobby's broken a window in Mrs.Allen's house.Mrs.Allen was one of their neighbors.He's a bad boy, his mother said.How did he break it?
I threw a stone at him, Billy answered, and he quickly moved down.是他的错
比利和波比都是小男孩。他们是兄弟，两人经常打架。
上个星期六，他们的妈妈对他们说，我现在要做午饭了。去，到花园去玩吧，别淘气。
是，妈妈，两个男孩回答，然后他们就出去了。
他们在花园里玩了半个小时，然后比利跑进了厨房。妈妈，他说，波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻璃。艾伦太太是他们的邻居。
他是个坏孩子，他的妈妈说，他是怎么把玻璃打碎的?
我朝他扔了一块石子，比利回答道，他赶紧蹲下。
英语小笑话：A physics Examination 一次物理考试
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears.在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声?
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
英语小笑话：Excited Remarks 激动的话
Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles.The sight of one would always bring forth squeals(长声尖叫)of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that!Look at that!I'm going to have one of those someday, his dad's response always was Not as long as I'm alive.One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by.He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that!Look at that!I'm getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.我五岁的儿子对摩托车有强烈的爱好。只要看见一辆摩托车，他就会高兴得哇哇直叫，并激动地说：瞧这辆!瞧这辆，我总有一天也要有一辆。他爸爸的回答老是只要我活着，你就别想有这玩艺儿。
一天我们的儿子跟他的小朋友在说话，有一辆摩托车开了过去。他兴奋的指着摩托车叫道瞧这辆!瞧这辆!等我爸一死我就要有这样一辆摩托车了。
英语小笑话：Logic Reasoning 逻辑推理
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.Here is the situation, she said.A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.Why do you think she ran to the bank?
A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?
小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。
他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么? 一个女生举手答道，是不是去取他的存款?
英语小笑话：Whose father was the stronger
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.Will said, “Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it.”
Bill wasn't impressed, “Well, that's nothing.You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!”
维尔和比尔在争吵，谁的爸爸是更强壮的一个。维尔说：“你知道太平洋吗? 那个坑是我爸爸挖的。”
比尔不屑地说：“那没什么。你知道死海吗? 那是我爸爸打死的。”
英语小笑话：Persistance 缠住不放
Returning from a golf outing(远足，短途旅行), my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter.Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?
Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged(避免作正面答复).We just play to have fun.Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?
丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔?
我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，丈夫推诿说。我们打球只是为了好玩而已。
莎拉毫不气馁，又问：那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢?
篇二十三：趣味英语小笑话
下面是关于父亲的趣味英语笑话两则，看看吧!
One
Poor Preacher
穷困潦倒的传教士
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.”
礼拜后男孩问牧师：“我长大后会给你一些钱。”
“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”
“好啊，谢谢你。”牧师回答道：“不过为什么?”
“Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.”
“因为我爸爸说你是我们见过的最穷的传教士之一。”
Two
Setting the Table
摆桌子
Little Susan was mother's helper.She helped set the table when guests were due for dinner.Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down.Then Mother noticed something was missing.小苏珊是妈妈的好帮手。她在有客人来家里就餐时帮忙摆桌子。现在一切准备就绪，客人走进，所有人都坐好了。妈妈突然发现缺了什么。
“Susan,” she said, “You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr.Smith's place.”
“苏珊。”她说道：“你忘了在史密斯先生那里放刀叉了。”
“I thought he wouldn't need them,” explained Susan.“我以为他不需要那些。”苏珊解释道。
“Daddy says he always eats like a horse!”
“爸爸说他总是吃得像马一样!”
篇二十四：英语的经典小笑话
1.what's the longest word in the world?世界上最长的单词是什么?
答：smiles.because there's a mile between the letter 's'.微笑。因为两个字母s中间隔了一里。
2.what question is that to which you must always answer “yes”? 什么问题你只能回答“yes”?
答：“what does y-e-s spell?”(当别人问你)“yes”怎么拼?
3.where were you when the power was cut off? 当停电的时候你在哪?
答：in the darkness.在黑暗中
4.what question can never be answered by “yes”?(哪个问题永远不能回答“是的”?)
答：are you asleep?(你睡着了吗)
5.what tree is always very sad?(那种树总是很伤心?)
答：weeping willow.(垂柳 weep哭泣 willow柳树)
6.why are people tired on April fool's day?(愚人节人们为什么疲倦?)
答：because they have just had a long march.(因为他们刚过了长长的三月。march 三月;行军)
7.what weather do mice and rats fear?(老鼠害怕什么天气?)
答：when it's raining cats and dogs.(下大雨。rain cats and dogs 下大雨)
8.when do dogs refuse to follow their masters?(狗什么时候不愿跟随主人?
答：when their masters go to the flea market.(主人去跳蚤市场时。flea 跳蚤 flea market 旧货市场)
9.when can you get water with a net?(什么时候可以用网兜装水?)
答：when water is turned into ice.(当水结成冰时)
10.why is the pig always eating?猪为什么没完没了地吃?
答：he's making a hog of himself.它想成为一只肉猪。
1.解压经典小笑话
2.八个经典小笑话
3.爆笑经典小笑话
4.超经典的精品小笑话
5.幽默经典小笑话
6.儿童经典小笑话
7.爆笑的经典小笑话
8.经典幽默小笑话
9.最新职场经典小笑话
10.冷翻人的经典小笑话
篇二十五：趣味幽默英语小笑话
趣味幽默英语小笑话：没把头发全剪掉啊
Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut.But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time.While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。
“Hello, Miles,” the manager said.“I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.”
“你好，麦尔斯，”经理说。“我看到你在上班时间理发了。”
“Yes, sir, I am,” admitted Miles calmly.“You see, sir, it grows in office time.”
“是的，先生。正是这样。”麦尔斯平静地承认了。“可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。”
“Not all of it,” said the manager at once.“Some of it grows in your own time.”
“不全都是吧，”经理立刻说，“有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。”
“Yes, sir, that's quite true.” Answered Miles politely, “but I'm not having it all cut off.”
“对呀，先生，你说得很对。”麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，“但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。”
趣味幽默英语小笑话：以“命”抵命
The English author, Richard Savage, was once living inLondon in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life, but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops, and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill, but after a time, owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him, he got well again.英国作家理查德・萨维奇一度在伦敦过着贫困潦倒的生活，为了赚几个钱，他曾写了有关他自己生平的故事。但是这部书在书店里并没有卖出几本，萨维奇过着朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物，他病得很厉害。后来，由于给他治疗的那个医生的高明医术，他才又恢复了健康。
After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits, but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again.But still no money came.Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment, saying to Savage, “You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.”
过了一两个星期之后，医生给萨维奇送来了一张讨要诊费的帐单，但是贫穷的萨维奇没有钱来偿付。医生等了一个月后又送来了帐单，但仍然未索回分文。几个星期之后，他又送来帐单要钱。最后，医生本人来到了萨维奇的家中，对他说：“你明白，你是欠我一条命的，我希望你有所报答。”
“I agree,” said Savage, “that I owe my life to you, and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”
“是的，”萨维奇说，“我是欠你一条命，为了向你证明我对你的诊治不是不报答，我将把我的命给你。”
With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled,The life of Richard Savage.说着这番话，萨维奇递给医生两卷书，名叫《理查德・萨维奇的一生》。
篇二十六：有趣的英语小笑话
有趣的英语小笑话，快来笑一笑吧!
After the first day of the school, a first-grade student was asked by his father，“What does your new teacher look like”
有一个一年级的学生一天放学回家，爸爸问他:“你的新老师长的什么样?”
”Just like my kindergarten teacher,”the child answered，“Only with a different head.”
“跟我的幼儿园老师一样，”孩子回答:“只是头不一样。”
二
1.A Half-price Ticket
半价票
”How much is the movie ticket?“
“电影票多少钱一张?”
”Ten dollars, kid.“
“10美元，孩子。”
”I only have five dollars.Please let me in.I'll see it only with one eye.“
“我只有5美元。请让我进去吧，我只用一中眼睛看。”
三
02：考试不及格。
2.Failure in a Test
考试不及格
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
妈妈:这次测试你为什么得这么低的分?
Kid: Because of absence.孩子:因为缺考。
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
妈妈：你的意思是考试那天你没去?
Kid: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.孩子:不是，是坐在我旁边的孩子没来。
篇二十七：2分钟英语小故事笑话
John is not a “good” student.He always sleeps in the class.Today he sleeps again.“John!” Teacher says angrily.“What? What’s wrong?” John is awaken.“Why do you make a face? It’s classroom.Look!Everyone is laughing.” Teacher says.“No one is laughing.” Teacher says.“No, it’s not me.I was not making a face.I was sleeping.” John fells upset.“Um.Not bad.You can admit your fault.You are still a good boy.” Teacher is satisfied with it.认错
约翰并不是个“好”学生。他总是在上课的时候睡觉。今天他又睡着了。
“约翰!”老师生气地喊他。
“什么?出什么事了?”约翰醒了。
“你为什么要做鬼脸?这是教室!看看!同学们都在笑!”老师生气地说。
“没有人在笑呀。”其他同学笑声地嘀咕。
“不，不是我。我没有做鬼脸。刚才我睡着了。”约翰感到不安。
“嗯，还不错。你承认自己的错误，还是给好孩子”老师为此感到满意。
篇二十八：2分钟英语小故事笑话
Tom is a very old man.After dinner, he likes walking in the street.And he goes to bed at seven o’clock.But tonight, a car stopped at his house.A policeman helps him get out.He tells Tom’s wife, “The old man couldn’t find his way in the street.He asked me to take him in the car.”
After the policeman leaves there, his wife asks, “Tom, you go to the street every night.But tonight you can’t find the way, what’s the matter?”
The old man smiles like a child and says, “I couldn’t find my way? I didn’t want to walk home.”
我不想走回家
汤姆是一位老人，他喜欢在晚饭后到大街上散步，在7点回来睡觉。
但是，今天晚上一辆小汽车停在他家门前，汤姆在一位警察的帮助下走下汽车。警察告诉汤姆的妻子：“这位老人在街上迷路了，他让我用汽车送他回来。”
警察走后：“汤姆，你每天都到那条街上散步，但是今天你迷路了，你怎么了?”
这位老人像孩子般的笑道：“我迷路了?我是不想走路回家。”
2分钟英语小故事笑话_英语幽默笑话小故事
篇二十九：英语小笑话带翻译
1。ass and man
驴和买驴的人
A man wanted to buy an ass。He went to the market，and saw a likely one。But he wanted to
test him first。So he took the ass home，and put him into the stable with the other asses。
The new ass looked around，and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass in
the stable。When the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once，and gave him back to
his owner。The owner felt quite surprised。He asked the man，”Why are you back so soon? Have
you tested him already?“ ”I don't want to test him any more，“ replied the man，”From the
panion he chose for himself，I could see what sort of animal he is。“
中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，可是他想要牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放
在自我其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套
上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很奇怪，他问买主：“你怎样这么快就回来了?”买主说：“不必
再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经明白他是什么样了。”
2。A mother mouse
老鼠的第二语言也重要
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush。She watched the cat，and
the cat watched the mice。
Mother mouse barked fiercely，”Woof，woof，woof!“ The cat
was so terrified that it ran for it's life。
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said，”Now，do you
understand the value of a second language?“
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了十分害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“此刻你明白外语的重要性了吧。”
3。The Looney Bin
疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum(疯人院)one inmate shouted，”I am Napoleon!“
Another one said，”How do you know?“
The first inmate said，”God told me!“
Just then，a voice from another room shouted，”I did not!“
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：”我是拿破仑!“另一个说：”你怎样明白?“第一个人说：”上帝对
我说的!“一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：”我没说!“
Notes:
(1)Looney(俚语)疯子
(2)inmate(n。同住者，同室者(特指在医院、监狱))
(3)insane asylum(疯人院)
篇三十：英语小笑话带翻译
小妹妹
Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister，Johnnie?
保育员：约翰尼，你难道不喜欢你的小妹妹吗?
Johnnie: She's all right，but I wish she had been a boy。Willie Smith had got a new sister，and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him。
约翰尼：那倒不是。她要是个男孩就好了。威利有了一个新生的小妹妹，此刻他该认为我又在学他的样貌了。
我教教师
Mother asked her little boy，”Darling，what did the teacher teach you today?“
母亲问她年幼的儿子：“宝贝，今日教师教了你些什么?”
”Nothing，Mum，“ answered the son proundly，”instead，she asked me how much one plus two was，and I told her three。“
儿子骄傲地说：“什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。”
篇三十一：英语小笑话带翻译
She was so excited and anxious to tell him。She said，”I've bought two presents for your birthday，dear。I would tell you now because I can't wait until that day。One present is a mat to put in front of my dressing table。Another one is a bronze statuette(小雕像)for the drawing room mantelpiece。“ And then she added: ”Now me?“
Her husband thought for a while and then replied: ”I'd better get you a new razor and some ties，so that we may exchange presents with each other。“
有个女人给她的丈夫买了生日礼物。
她很激动，并且急于要告诉她的丈夫。她说：“亲爱的，我买了两样东西给你做生日礼物。我此刻就要告诉你，因为我等不得到那一天才说。一件礼物是一个地垫，能够放在我的梳妆台前。另一件是一个青铜的小雕像，能够放在客厅的壁炉架上”她还说：“好啦，你准备给我买什么呢?”
她的丈夫想了一会就说：“我最好是给你买一个刮胡刀和几条领带。这样我们就能够互相交换礼物了。”
篇三十二：英语小笑话带翻译
A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him。The lieutenant said sternly，”You did not salute me。For this you must immediately salute one hundred times。“
Just then the general came up。When he saw the poor private about to begin，he exclaimed，”What's all this?“
The lieutenant explained，”This ignoramus(无知的人)failed to salute me。I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment。”
“Quite right，” replied the general smiling，“But do not forget，sir，that upon each occasion you are to salute return。”
有个士兵没有注意到一个年轻的陆军中尉，没有向他敬礼。中尉很严厉地对那个士兵说：“你没有向我敬礼，所以你要立刻敬100个礼。”
这时候将军过来了。他看到那个可怜的士兵就要开始敬礼时，就大声问道：“这是怎样啦?”
中尉解释说：“这个蠢货没有向我敬礼，我就罚他立刻向我敬一百个礼。”
将军笑着说：“完全正确。可是，老弟，别忘了他向你每敬一个礼，你都要回礼的啊!”
篇三十三：英语小笑话带翻译
While the doctor was looking over the man，his wife kept fussing(烦躁，发牢骚)andjabbering(快而含糊地说)all the time。The doctor told her: “Your husband must get absolute rest and quiet。” Then he left some sleeping pills。
The man's wife asked，“When do I dive them to my husband?” The doctor replied，“No，they are not for him。They are for you。You need them。”
有个人生病了。他的妻子请了一位医生来给他治病。
医生在给他治疗的时候，他的妻子一向大惊小怪，神神叨叨地紧张不安。医生对她说：“你的丈夫必须绝对休息和坚持安静。” 然后他就留下了一些。
她问医生：“什么时候给我丈夫吃这些药呀!”医生回答说：“不用，这些药不是给他吃的，是给你吃的，你需要。”
篇三十四：英语小笑话带翻译
The Use of a Handsaw
At the mall，my wife and I picked up some hardware items，including a handsaw。We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse。
Let's try it。“ my wife suggested。Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw，I followed her inside。
Scanning the menu，my wife told the waitress，” I' 11 have chopped sirloin，please。
The waitress turned to me，eyed my saw and mented，“And I see that。you，sir，have e for our T-bone special。
在集市上，我和妻子买了一些五金用品，包括一个手锯。我们回到汽车时刚好走过一家牛排店。“我们尝尝吧，”我妻子提议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的，但还是随她走了进去。我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说：“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我，看了看我的锯，说道：“我能看出，先生，你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”
A Woman's answer
A husband said to his wife，” Why did God create women to be beautiful but foolish?“
”Well，“ his wife answered at once。” The reason is very simple。God made us beautiful so men would love us;God made us foolish so we would marry them。“
一位丈夫对他的妻子说：“为什么上帝把妇女创造得如此美丽却又愚蠢呢？” “噢，”他的妻子立刻回答道，“原因很简单。上帝使我们如此美丽，男人才会爱我们。上帝使我们如此愚蠢，我们才会嫁给他们。”
Only One Eye to Settle On
The girl found the go-between and said，”You cheated me!One of his eyes is not true。Why didn't you tell me this before ?“
”I have told you。“ said the go-between with justice on his side，When you met first，I told you that he settled on you with one eye。
姑娘找到媒人，说：“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前为什么不告诉我？” “怎样没告诉你？”媒人也不甘示弱，“你们第一回见面后，我就说，他一眼就看中你了。”
You May Select能够选择
The husband plained that his wife always cooked the same dish。
One day，the husband got home and asked his wife，”My dear，what will we eat today?“
The wife said，”You may select the dish today。“
The husband was very glad and asked，”Which dishes are there today?“
”Cabbage。“
”The others?“
”None。“
”Then how to select?“
”Eat or not eat!“ the wife said。
丈夫抱怨妻子总是做同样的一种菜。
一天，丈夫回到家，问妻子：“亲爱的，今日我们吃啥菜？”
妻子回答：“今日你能够选择。” 丈夫感到十分高兴，又问：“都有哪些菜呢？”
“炒白菜。”
“还有呢？”
“没了。”
“那你要我怎样选呢？”
“吃还是不吃！”妻子一本正经地说道。
Two roaches 两只蟑螂
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant。”I was in that new restaurant across the street，“ said one。”It's so clean!The kitchen is spotless，and the floors are gleaming white。There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines。“"Please，” said the other roach frowning。“Not while I'm eating!”
两只蟑螂正在一条小巷的垃圾堆上大吃着，其中的一只谈起了它在一家新开张的餐馆里的经历。“那时我在街对面的那家新餐馆里，”它说。“那里太干净了！厨房没有一点污渍，地面闪着白光。任何地方都没有垃圾。那里是如此干净，整个地方都在发光。”“请不要在我吃东西的时候说这个好吗？”另一只蟑螂不悦地说。
篇三十五：英语小笑话带翻译
是哪两个词？
What Are The Two Words？A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter．“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me．I wish you would promise me never to use two words．One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’．Would you promise me that？ “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl．“What are the two words？”
一个十分高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。“我亲爱的，”老夫人说：“我期望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘厌恶的’，另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗？” “噢，当然，奶奶。”女孩说：“是哪两个词？”
两颗番茄
he first tomato has no answer，the second tomato asked again。The tomato has no answer，so the second tomato asked again。The first tomato finally turned slowly，said: “we are not tomatoes? We can talk?”
两颗番茄去逛街，第一颗番茄突然走得很快，第二颗番茄就问：“我们要去哪里？” 第一颗番茄没有回答，第二颗番茄又问了一次。第一颗番茄还没回答，所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。第一颗番茄最终慢慢转头说：“我们不是番茄吗？我们会说话吗？”
相同的职责
The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly，also retired，in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to e work for him as his valet。“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army，” the general said。“Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast。” Next morning promptly at eight o'clock，the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom，pulled open the drapes，gave the general a gentle shake，strode around the other side of the bed，spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said，“OK，sweetheart，it's back to the village for you。”
相同的职责一个退休的四星级将军在曼哈顿的一个酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤务兵，勤务兵也退休在家。这位将军花了一整个晚上的时光来说服他回来做他的贴身随从。“你的职责与在军队时完全一样，”将军说，“这没什么，你很快就会再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八点钟时，前勤务兵迅速地进到前将军的卧室，拉开窗帘，轻轻地摇了摇将军，然后大步走到床的另一侧，在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下，说道：“好了，甜心，你该回到村庄去了。”
你爷爷
A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:“Serve me，quick!Give me your best。I don't care the price。”Not like the way he talked，the waiter said to him: “Hey Buddy，it doesn't matter you have a lot of money。You are still son of somebody，and grandson of somebody else。”The young man raged: “Dare you!Tell me，who wants me to be his grandson?”The waiter replied with ease: “Nobody。Just your grandfather。”
一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一进饭店就大声嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜尽管端上来，钱多少我不在乎。”服务员听了很不是滋味：“哥儿们，钱多顶个屁，你不照样得做别人的儿子，就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做！”年青人勃然大怒：“谁敢占老子的便宜？你说，是谁不要命了，胆敢要老子做他的孙子？”服务员慢条斯理地答道：“你爷爷！”
她要买什么
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer。No，ma’am，we haven't had any for a while，and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon。Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，Of course，we'll have somesoon，We placed an order last week。Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never，never，never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's ing。Now what was it she wanted? Rain，said the clerk。
一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：当然，立刻就会有的。我们上周订了货。然后经理把店员拉到一边：千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么，说我们已经订了货，货立刻就到。此刻你说她要买什么？ 雨，店员说。
此刻几点了
The two boys were camping in the backyard。When they couldn't figure out what time it was，the first boy said to the second，“Start singing very loud。”
“How will that help?” said the second boy。
“Just do it，” insisted the first。
Both boys broke into song，singing at the top of their lungs。Moments later，a neighbor threw open her window and shouted，“Keep it down!Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?”
两个男孩子在后院露营，他们不明白到了晚上几点钟。于是，一个男孩对另外一个说：“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。”
“那就会明白时光吗？”第二个男孩问。
“只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。
两个孩子开始大声唱歌，过了一会儿，一个邻居打开窗户喊道：“小声点！你们不明白此刻是凌晨三点吗？”
篇三十六：英语小笑话带翻译
frog 青蛙
Frog The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said，“Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket。” He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich。He looked puzzled for a second，thought deeply，and said，“That's funny。I distinctly remember eating my lunch。”
教师正在给学生上生物课：“此刻，我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。”之后，他把手伸进口袋，却拿出了一份鸡肉三文治。教师满脸困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一会儿，说道：“真奇怪。我明明记得我已经把午饭吃掉了。”
相亲 Blind Date
After being with her all evening，the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date。Earlier，he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave。When he returned to the table，he lowered his eyes，put on a grim expression and said，“I have some bad news。My grandfather just died。”“Thank heavens，” his date replied。“If yours hadn't，mine would have had to!”
和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean。The lawyer said，“I'm here because my house burned down，and the insurance pany paid for everything。”
“That's quite a coincidence，” said the engineer。“I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood，and my insurance pany also paid for everything。”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused。“How do you start a flood?” he asked。
一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说：“我到那里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”
“这太巧了，”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”
律师看起来有些困惑，“你是怎样引起洪水的？”他不解的问。
篇三十七：英语小笑话带翻译
What Was It She Wanted？
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．“No，ma’am，we haven't had any for a while，and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon．” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course，we'll have somesoon，We placed an order last week．” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never，never，never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's ing． Now whatwas it she wanted？” “Rain．” said the clerk．
一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：“不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：“当然，立刻就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边：“千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货，货立刻就到。此刻你说她要买什么？” “雨，”店员说。
A preacher is buying a parrot 传教士买鹦鹉
A preacher is buying a parrot
Are you sure it doesnt scream，yell，or swear? asked the preacher。
Oh absolutely。Its a religious parrot，the storekeeper assures him。
Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one，he recites the lords prayer，and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm。
Wonderful!says the preacher，but what happens if you pull both strings?
I fall off my perch，you stupid fool!screeched the parrot。
一个传教士在买鹦鹉
“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗？”传教士问。
“哦，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。
“你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗？当你拉动右面的这根，它会背诵天主经，当你拉动左面的那根，它会背诵赞美诗”
“太棒了！”传教士说，“可是如果我同时拉动两条绳子，会发生什么呢？”
“我会从树干上掉下去的，你这个笨蛋！”鹦鹉尖声说道。
How can I get into heaven 我怎样才能上天堂
“If I sold my house and my car，had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor，would I get into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class。
“No!” the children all answered。
“If I cleaned the church everyday，mowed the yard，and kept everything neat and tidy，would I get into heaven?”
Again，the answer was，“No!”
“Well，” I continued，“then how can I get into heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out，“You gotta be dead!”
“如果我把房子和车卖了，在车库举行义卖，并把所有的钱给穷人，我能进天堂吗？”我问主日学校的孩子。
孩子们齐声回答：“不能！”
“那如果我每一天都打扫教堂，给院子的草坪割草，并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁，我会上天堂吗？”
回答还是：“不能！”“好吧，”我继续问，“那我要怎样才能升天堂呢？”
一个五岁的男孩儿叫道：“你得死了才行！”
I Want Her to go Nuts
Mrs。Flinders decided to have her portrait painted。She told the artist，“Paint me with diamond earrings，a diamond necklace，emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant。”
“But you're not wearing any of those things。”
“I know，” said Mrs。Flinders。“ It's in case I should die before my husband。I'm sure he'd remarry right away，and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry。”
福林德斯夫人决定让人给她画肖像。她告诉那位肖像画家说：“画我带着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯，还有红宝石垂饰。”
“但你此刻没带这其中的任何一样饰品。”
“我明白。”福林德斯夫人说，“万一我先我丈夫死去，我肯定他会立刻再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。”
篇三十八：英语小笑话带翻译
英语小笑话带翻译
1、“Once there was a blind.One day when he was walking, hestepped the head of the dog who was sleeping.The dog barked for a while.The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked.The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。”
2、“"i had an operation,” said a man to his friend, “and the doctor left a sponge in me.”一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”“that's terrible!” said the friend.“got any pain?” “真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”“no, but i am always thirsty!” “不疼，可是我总感到口渴！”“
3、”Dan is teaching his son how to box.As he does so, he left his friend, “This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.” Friend: “But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box.” Dan: “I’m teaching him how to run, too.”丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”“
4、”One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪...Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢？Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a “son of a Bitch.”女孩：昨天，我骂了某个男人一句：“你这个狗娘养的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：为什么？他对你做了什么吗？Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他...他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this?(The guy did it.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父伸手摸女孩的胸部）Girl:(A little shy from the touch)Yes.女孩：（因为神父的举动而有一些害羞）嗯...是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是...他又把我的衣服脱掉。Preacher: You mean like this?(He did it again.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服）Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是这样子没错。Preac“ her: ”That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...女孩：然後...他把他的...那个...放到我的...那个...里面...Preacher:(evil laugh...)You mean like this?(And you-know-what)神父：（奸笑貌）你是说像这样子吗？（神父和女孩就那个那个了）Girl:(After a few minutes...)Ugh...Yeah, that s what he did...女孩：（数分钟後）喔...是的...就是这样子...Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a...神父：我亲爱的孩子，就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个...」Girl: But he had AIDS！女孩：但是他有AIDS呀！Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH！!神父：那个狗娘养的！！“
5、”Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left.Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗？约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。“
6、”A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。“Who are you?” he asked.“你是谁？”丈夫问到。“I'm the Devil!” she responded.“我是魔鬼！”她回答到。“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹！”“
7、”A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The driver says: “Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.”一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off.Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.”女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”“
8、”A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University.“You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”A buzzing noise followed.“What a man of actions!” one said in admiration.“How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那个家伙不收回他今早 对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。”下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说：“我们要支持他、学习他。”突然，一个女孩问道：“那家伙对你说什么了，霍波？”他弯下腰小声说：“哦，呃…呃…，罗斯小姐，呃…他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。”“
9、”One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy.The teacher went to him and asked the reason.“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。“
10、”“What are you so happy about?”a woman asked the 98-year-old man.“I broke a mirror,” he replied.“But that means seven years of bad luck.”“I know.” he said, beaming,“Isn’t it wonderful?”这难道不好吗?“你高兴什么?”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。“但那预示着7年的坏运气。”“我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗？”“
11、”One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,“ I see that your pig likes apples, but isn”t that quite a waste of time?“ The farmer replied,” What“s time to a pig?”一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，“我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?”那位农夫 回答说，“时间对猪有什么意义？”“
12、”Teacher: Tom and John!Why are you late for school today?老师：汤姆！约翰！你俩今天为什么迟到了！Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.汤姆：老师，我一直在找我丢失的一美元硬币。Teachear: John, what about you?老师：那么你呢，约翰?John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.约翰：老师，我不能动啊，我把他的硬币藏脚底下了。“
13、”Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: “where shall we go?” The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again.The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again.The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: “we are not tomatoes? We can talk?”两颗番茄去逛街，第一颗番茄突然走得很快，第二颗番茄就问：“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答，第二颗番茄又问了一次。第一颗番茄还没回答，所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说：“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction.After three exhausting days, we headed for home.As we drove away, our son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”Our daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye,” Mon ey.“迪斯尼之旅 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”
14、Stan: I won 92 goldfish.斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。Fred: Where are you going to keep them?弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们?Stan: In the bathroom.斯丹：浴室。Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办?Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛)them!斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！
15、”One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store.A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.一天，一家百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给他的太太挑选一件女装。但是，没过多久，他就发现自己已被疯狂的女人们撞得踉踉跄跄。He stood it as long as he could;then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.他竭力地忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥舞双臂，挤过人群。“You there!” challenged a thrilling voice.“Can't you act like a gentleman?”“你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得像一位绅士吗?”“Listen,” he said.“I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour.From now on, I am acting like a lady.”“听着，”他说。“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时了。从现在起，我要表现得像一位女士。”“
16、”Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the Sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西？证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。“
17、”Mr.Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him.He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″.Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:″I have known many an instance(实例)of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″一个星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封,发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们：“写信时忘了签名的人,我遇到过很多,但只签了名却忘了写信的人,我还是头一次遇到。”Customer: Waiter, I can't find any oysters in this oyster stew.Waiter: Well, you wouldn't expect to find any angels in an angel food cake, would you?顾客：服务员，我这个牡蛎炖菜里怎么没有牡蛎?服务员：是啊，你不会指望在天使蛋糕里发现“ 天使 吧?
18、”On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop.After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.Are these for your wife, sir? she asked.Yes, I said.For her birthday? she asked.No, I replied.For your anniversary?No, I said again.As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, I hope she forgives you.一天晚上回家的路上，我看到一家花店外面有一些刚剪下来的玫瑰。我挑了一打，走进店里，一个年轻的女售货员跟我打了个招呼。先生，这些是送给你妻子的吗?她问道。是的，我说。她的生日?她问。不是，我回答。你们的结婚纪念日?不是，我又答道。当我将找回的钱装进口袋，朝门口走去时，那年轻的女人冲我喊道：希望她能原谅你。“
19、”When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket.He came home all smiles.“How was your first day?” I asked.“It was great, Dad,” he replied.“I got to talk to some good-looking girls.”Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, “What did you say to them?”“Do you prefer paper or plastic?”我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。“第一天感觉如何？”我问。“好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。”由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？”“你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？”“
20、”Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.Johnny: It's there, sir.Teacher: That's right.Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?Sammy: Johnny, sir.老师：约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。约翰尼：先生，在这儿。老师：对了。萨默，你来回答我是谁发现了澳大利亚?萨默：先生，是约翰尼。“
21、”Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up.She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly.Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains.It read “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”不速之客就在路上，我妈妈，一个完美的家庭主妇，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后，当她去检查的时候，她吃惊了，曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条，纸条上写着：“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。”“
22、”Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed.The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary.Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?” A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”就在我开始平安夜祷告时，教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛，把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛，整理了一下笔记后，我说：“刚才我讲到哪儿了？”传来一阵不耐烦的声音：“马上就讲完了！”“
23、”There are 100 cents in a dollar.Coins come in the following denominations: $.01 or 1 cent(a penny,a cent, one cent), $.05 or 5 cents(a nickel, five cents),$.1 or 10 cents(a dime, ten cents), $.25 or 25 cents(a quarter, two bits, twenty-five cents), and $.50 or50 cents(a fifty-cent piece).Coins are called “change”, “small change”, or“silver” though they aren’t made of silver anymore.Coins are generally recognized by their size, butsomebody “goofed” on the dime, which is smaller than either a nickel or a penny.All the others are in size order.One more word for you: don’t hold out your hand with either bills or coins and expect someone to take the correct change from you.That cannot be done in any Western country.一美元中有一百美分。硬币是按下列币值铸造的：一美分，五美分，十美分，二十五美分，五十美分。硬币也叫“零钱”，“小钱”，或“银币”，“ 虽然 它们不再是用银子铸成的。总的说来，硬币是通过大小来识别的，但总有人把十美分搞错，它比五美分和一美分都要小。其他的都按币值的大小顺序排列。还有一点要说明：你不能伸出手，托出一把纸币和硬币而希望别人从你那里拿走数目正确的零钱。这在任何西方国家都是不好的。
24、”A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, places his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder and gives the doorbell a sold ring.Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks, “And now what, my little man?” The boy replies, “Now we run!”一个牧师正沿着街走路，这时他看到街对面有个小男孩正试图按一所房子的门铃。但这个小孩太小了，门铃又高，他够不着。看到那个小男孩费了很多劲，牧师走近了他。牧师优雅地穿过马路，走到小家伙的背后，轻轻地把手放在小男孩肩头，按响了门铃。他弯下身子，微笑着问道：“接下来怎么办，孩子?”小男孩回答说：“接下来我们跑。”“
25、”Mrs Brown was going out for the day.Shelocked the house and tacked a note for the milkmanon the door: “NOBODY HOME.DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING.”When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked.On the note she had left, she found the following message added:“THANKS!WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!”布朗太太要外出一天。她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西!” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢!我们什么也没留下!”“
26、”The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.“It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?” “I am the driver.” he said.公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。“车上太挤了，”他们喊道，“你以为你是谁？” “我是司机！”他说。“
27、”Late one night at the insane asylum(疯人院）one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”Another one said, ”How do you know?“ The first inmate said, ”God told me!“ Just then, a voice from another room shouted, ”I did not!“ 一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另一个说：“你怎么知道？”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说！””
28、“"My family is just like a nation,” Mr.Brown told his colleague.“Mywife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war,and my daughter is foreign secretary.” “Sounds interesting, ” his colleague replied.“And what is yourposition?” “I’m the people.All I do is pay.” 布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子 是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。” “听上去挺有意思的，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？” “我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”“
29、”The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when Father Called over the waiter.“My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate,” explained Father, “Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?” “Gosh, Dad!” exclaimed the excited boy.“Have we got a dog then?” 一家人在饭馆里吃过晚饭，父亲把服务生叫了过来。”先生，什么事？“服务生问。”我儿子的盘子里剩下许多肉，“父亲说，”能给我们一个袋子吗？我把剩下的东西带回去喂狗。“ ”啊呀，爸爸！“儿子激动地叫喊着。”咱家养狗了吗？““
30、”The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.“You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.” The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price.“Is the brain of a politician that much better?” he asked.The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it’s not better, just unused.” 一个外科医生正要作一个脑移植手术。“你可以从两个脑子中选一个给你。”医生告诉病人，“一个心理学家的大脑1000美元，一个政治家的大脑10000美元。病人很惊讶二者之间这样大的差别，“政治家的大脑好一些吗？”他问。医生说：“不是好一些，只是没有用过。”“
31、”A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The driver says: “Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.”一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off.Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.”女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”“
32、”A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。“Who are you?” he asked.“你是谁？”丈夫问到。“I'm the Devil!” she responded.“我是魔鬼！”她回答到。“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹！”“
33、”On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it.The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说，她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿，那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。“
34、”The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.“It's all right,” said a gentleman, “don't be afraid.Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?”“Ah, yes,” answered the little boy.“I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?”一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”“
35、”It's not my faultMother(reprimanding训斥，谴责 her small daughter): You mustn't pull the cat's tail.Daughter: I'm only holding it, Mom.The cat's doing the pulling.不是我的错妈妈（正教训她的女儿）：你不该拽猫的尾巴。女儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在拽。“
36、”Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.“Look,” said the elder brother.“How nice these paintings are!”“Yes,” said the younger, “but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children.Where is the father?”The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, “Obviously he was painting the pictures.”兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”哥哥想了一会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”“
37、”Two Pieces of CakeTom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly--take this piece and cut it two!两块蛋糕汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗？妈妈：当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧！“
38、”Walking on the beach one day he saw a crab1, went to see what happens, suddenly crab pincers（钳子）folder2, then crab bush run.Tiger jumped the pain, followed by the recovery of crabs3!Catch up with no trees on the crab, and then to see a tiger in Shou Network spiders, tiger angry at Spider: Good you a crab!Do you think you posted on the Web and I do not recognize you!一天老虎在沙滩散步，见到一只螃蟹，就走过去想看个究竟，突然被螃蟹的钳子夹了一下，螃蟹拔腿就往树丛里跑。老虎痛得跳起来了，紧接着就追螃蟹！追到树丛就不见螃蟹了，这时老虎看见一只守在大网中的蜘蛛，老虎对着蜘蛛发火了：好你个螃蟹！你以为你上了网我就不认得你了！“
39、”A curious guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg.He asks the owner the significance of the strings1.“Well, this is a highly trained parrot.If you pull the red string he speaks French;if you pull the green string he speaks German,” replies the shop keeper.“And what happens if I pull both the strings?” our curious shopper inquires.“I fall off my perch2 you fool！” screeches3 the parrot.有个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。在那里，他看见有只鹦鹉的左腿被红线系住，右腿则被绿线系住。对此他感到不解，于是他问该店的老板，老板回答说：“这只鹦鹉受过特殊的训练。如果拉红线，它就讲法语，拉绿线，它则讲德语。”这个好奇的人接着问，“要是我两条线都拉，会怎么样呢？”“我就会掉下来了，你这个傻瓜！”鹦鹉尖叫着说。“
40、”A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala（欢庆的）charity event was taking place.Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.“Great idea!” the chicken cried.“Let's offer hem1 ham and eggs?”“Not so fast,” said the pig testily2.“For you, that's a contribution.For me, it's a total commitment.”一只猪和一只鸡路过一所教堂，那里有一场盛大慈善活动正在进行着。在精神上收到触动的猪向小鸡提出建议：他们每个人作出点自己的贡献。“好主意！”鸡尖叫道，“让我们给腿和鸡蛋吧？”“着什么急”猪不耐烦地说，“对你来说，是一个贡献，对我来说，这是一个完全的献身。”“
41、”A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them;for he meant to eat them.When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so.When the boy heard it, he said, “You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?”一个乡下少年到处寻找蜗牛，当他双手都塞满了蜗牛后，就准备点火烤着吃。火点着了，蜗牛也开始感觉到热了，他们纷纷退向坚壳的深处，同时还发出“咝咝”的噪音。男孩子听到了蜗牛发出的嘘声，便说：“你们这些连命都快没有的家伙，怎么还能有心情在窝里着火时吹口哨呢？”“
42、”A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically1 impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.Irritated, the teacher reiterated2 that a whale could not swallow a human;it was physically impossible.The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”一个小女孩和她的老师正在谈论有关鲸鱼的事情。她的老师说：“一头鲸鱼从身体构造的角度看，是不可能吞掉一个人的。因为尽管鲸鱼是一种非常巨大的哺乳动物，可它的嗓子非常小。”那个小女孩说约拿（一位西伯来先知）就是被鲸鱼吞掉的。她的老师非常生气，她再次告诉小女孩说：“从身体构造角度来讲，鲸鱼是不可能吞掉一个人的。”那个小女孩说：“那等我到了天堂，就去问问约拿。”她的老师问：“那么，假“ 如约 拿下了地狱怎么办？”那个小女孩回答：“如果是那样的话，你就去问他。”
43、”Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn clothing.It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.His father asked his son what happened.“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel2.And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”“I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!”小彼得从操场回到家时，鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。显然他刚与人恶斗了一番，而且打输了。父亲问儿子发生了什么事。“噢，爸爸，彼得说，我向拉里挑起决斗，而且我让他挑选武器。”“嗯，”父亲说，“这看上去很公平！”“我知道，但我没想到他选择了他姐姐！”“
44、”It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.At one house a small boy answered the door.“Tell me, young man,” said the politician.“Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?”“Neither,” said the child, “she's in the bathroom.”正值当地竞选时期，候选人到他的区域的千家万户登门拜访。候选人来到了一家门口，一个小男孩开了门。“告诉我，年轻人，”候选人问道，“你母亲是在共和党还是在民主党？” “都不是，”孩子答到，“她在浴室。”“
45、”Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me,Johnny.老师: 约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。Johnny: It's there , sir.约翰尼: 先生，在这儿。Teacher: That's right.Now Sammy, who discovered Australia? 老师: 对了。萨默，你来回答是谁发现了澳大利亚? Sammy: Johnny, sir.萨默: 先生，是约翰尼。“
46、”Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom? 老师: 汤姆，“男人”这个词的复数形式是什么? Tom: Men.汤姆:男人们。Teacher: Good.And the plural of child? 老师: 答得好。那“孩子”的复数形式呢? Tom : Twins.汤姆: 双胞胎。“
47、”The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time.But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over.在饭馆里坐着一对夫妇，他们看上去非常高兴。但是当那女子向旁边瞥了一眼时，服务员马上跑了过来。“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.” “夫人，您瞧,” 他说,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。” “No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.” “不，他没有,” 她回答,“我丈夫刚从门外进来。”“
48、”A young man came home from work and found his bride upset.“I feel terrible,” she said.”I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” 丈夫下班回到家里，发现自己的新娘心绪烦乱。“我心里太难受了，”她说。“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。” “Forget it ,” consoled her husband.“Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.” “没事儿，”丈夫安慰她说。“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。” “Yes,” said the woman, cheering up.“And it’s lucky you have.I used them to patch the hole.” “是的，”妻子高兴地说，“幸亏你还有一条，我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。””
49、“Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.妻子：你瞧，根据这报上登的统计数字，那些死于肝癌的人有80%都喝酒。Husband:It's okey.To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat meals.丈夫：那就不错了。据我调查，所有这些人都吃饭呢。”
50、“Jack fell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms.Jack finished them and gave them back.杰克骑车摔伤，去医院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填。杰克填好后递上表格。”Anything else?“The nurse asked.”Yes,“ Jack thinks for a while and said ”l'm a bachelor.““还有什么漏填的?”护士问。“有！”杰克想了想说，“我是个单身汉。””
51、“A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me.He is well-groomed and very well behaved.Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?“有个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, ”I've been operating this hotel for many years.In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.“旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过” 毛巾，床单，餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。
52、“A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.”Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer！!“, he whined.一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的！!”律师哀怨地说。”You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick！!“ retorted the officer, ”You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off！!““你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?””
53、“George comes from school on the first of September.9月1日，乔治放学回到家里。George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？” 妈妈问I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。””
54、“Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?“你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？” 老师发问道。A lot of little holes tied together with strings.replied the little girl.“把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。”小女孩回答道。”
55、“A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table she had a near death experience.Seeing God, she asked if this was it.God said, ”No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.“ Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ”I thought you said I had another 40 Years? “God replied, ”I didn't recognize you.“一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院，在手术台上，濒临死亡之际，她看到了上帝，于是，她问上帝是不是她的日子到头” 了。上帝回答说，“还没有，你还能活43年，2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候，这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年，得好好对待自己，于是决定先不出院，而是去给自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。做完最后一个手术，这位女士出院了，但就在过马路的时候，她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地问上帝，“我记得你说我还能再活40年？” 上帝回答，“那个时候我没认出你来”。
篇三十九：英语小笑话带翻译
1。Dad: Tom，please tell me，which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month。
爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？ 汤姆：每个月都有啊！
2。Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes，and this one will be if you sit down。
男孩：这个座位是空的么？
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。
3。Boy: “I'd like to call you。What's your number?”
girl: “It's in the phone book。” Boy: “But I don't know your name。” girl: “That's in the phone book too。”
男：我想给你打电话。你的电话号码是多少？女：在电话本上呢。男：可是我不明白你的名字呀。女：也在电话本上呢。
4。Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year。
Customer: Good gracious!In a year? Palmist: Yes，but I can't say in which。
手相大师：你手上的生命线显示出你还有一年将会死去。
顾客：天哪，一年后？手相大师：是的，可是我不能说是哪一年。
5。A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time。Coming up beside her，he said，“Pull over!” “No，” she replied，“a pair of socks!”
巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说：“靠边停车(套头衫)！” “不，” 她回答，“是一双袜子！”
6。“Tom，what's the matter with your brother?“ asked the mother in the kitchen。
”He's crying。“ ”Oh，nothing，Mum，“ replied Tom。”I'm eating my cake。
He is crying because I won't give him any。“ ”But has he finished his own cake?“ ”Yes。“ said Tom。”And he also cried when I was helping him finish that。“
”汤姆，你弟弟怎样了？“ 妈妈在厨房里问。”他在哭。“ ”没事儿，妈妈，“ 汤姆答道。”我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我 不给他吃。“ ”他已经吃完自我的了么？“ ”是的。“ ”我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。“
7。A husband，proving to his wife that women talk more than men，showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day，whereas women use 30000 words a day。She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say。He said，”What?“
丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究证明男人平均每一天使用15000个字，而女人每一天使用 30000个。妻子想了一会儿说，女人每一天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说 过的话。他问：”什么？"
8。Boy: Hi，didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once。I never make the same mistake twice。
男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。
女孩：应当仅有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。
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