第一篇：林克妈妈英文幽默小故事 -There is only one deer.（小编推荐）
There Is Only One Deer
Bob is an engineer.He likes drinking beer very much.He has a son named Tom.Today is Tom’s fifth birthday.After drinking lots of beer, Bob takes Tom to the zoo by bus.At the zoo, Tom asks his father, “Dad, mom says you shouldn’t drive when you are drunk, what does the word drunk mean? “ Well, my son,” Bob says, “look, there are two deer standing over there.If I regard the two deer as four, then I’m drunk.”
“But, dad,” Tom says, “there is only one deer.”
第二篇：螃蟹和妈妈英文幽默故事
“My child,” said a Crab to her son, “why do you walk so awkward? If you wish to make a good appearance, you should go straight forward, and not to one side as you do so constantly.”
“I do wish to make a good appearance, Mamma” said the young Crab;“and if you will show me how, I will try to walk straight forward.“
”Why, this is the way, of course,“ said the mother, as she started off to the right, ”No, this is the way,“ said she, as she made another attempt, to the left.The little Crab smiled.”When you learn to do it yourself, you can teach me," he said, and he went back to his play.“我的孩子，”螃蟹妈妈对儿子说，“你怎么走起路来这么难看呢?要想看起来像模像样,你就应该径直朝前走，而不是像你一样总是朝一边走。”
“我真希望能像模像样,妈妈.”小螃蟹说，”如果你能教我怎么做，我就会努力之朝前走.”
“哎呀，当然了，就是这样!”妈妈说着，一边就开始朝右边走。
“不，是这样的啦!”她说，一边又朝左边来。
螃蟹笑了，说：“等你自己学会了再来教我吧!”然后，他就回去玩了。
第三篇：英文幽默小故事12则
英文幽默小故事12则
How do you know that? Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?
Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle;at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle;and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.Judge: Have you ever stolen things?
Thief: Oh, now and then.Judge: And where have you stolen these things?
Thief: Oh, here and there.Judge: Right.Lock him up, officer.Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?
Judge: Oh, sooner or later.Chief is at the wedding A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.“But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.“I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But ,officer, I ….”
“I said to keep quiet!You are going to jail!”
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Are you sure?” answered the man in the cell.“I'm the groom.”
Why he couldn't leave? There was a meeting with a large number of people.At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring.Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.The speaker walked up to the man and said, “Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room.”
“Oh!Don't mention it!” replied the man, “I cannot leave because I am the next speaker.”
A burglar 入室盗窃者
A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.“You will get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.“No, no, no.” said the man.“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.I've been trying to do that for years.”
One more cake The old lady was delighted with the gift the boy had brought her.“I'll go round and see your mother tomorrow,” she said, “And I'll thank for this lovely pie.”
“Um, if you don't mind,” the boy said nervously, “could you thank her for two pies?”
Make Your Own Bed Farmer: If you want to spend the night here, you'll have to make your own bed.Traveling salesman: That's perfectly all right.Farmer: Here's a hammer and saw.Good night.What does DC stand for? What does DC stand for?
An American teacher asked one of her pupils, “What's the nation's capital?”
The reply was “Washington DC”
On being asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupils all answered：
“Dot com!”
A poor poet 一名可怜的诗人
Poet: I hope you've received the little volume of poems I sent you.Woman: Oh, yes.It's very nice.I wonder where I've put it?
Her son: It's under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.A Second Language 第二语言
A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog.When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.Turning to her kittens, the cat said, “You see how important it is to know a second language.”
Accountant An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.“Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep? ”
“That's the problem.I make a mistake and spend three hours trying to find it.”
This is my seat It was a woman's first time on a plane.She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.She ignored him and told him to go away.“Okay,” replied the man.“If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane.”
第四篇：英文幽默故事[模版]
英文幽默故事：
There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot.There werethree parrots in the shop.One was $5,000;another one, $10,000;and the third one, $30,000.The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That‟s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on.That‟s why he‟s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I don‟t know.Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all!But the other two call him „The Boss.‟”
老板最大 有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉，其中一只卖五千元，另一只卖一万元，还有一只卖三万元。顾客问老板：「为什么这只要卖五千元？这个价钱对这种鹦鹉来说太贵了！」老板说：「因为我有训练他讲话。」顾客又问：「那这只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「他除了会说话之外，还会表演一些有趣的动作，好比说跳舞等等，所以才卖这么贵。」顾客接着又问：「那第三只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「我不知道。我从没听过他讲话、吹口哨或唱歌，也没看过他跳舞，什么都没有！不过另外两只叫他：『老板！』」
Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg“? Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？
老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？ 学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？ 学生：在蛋糕里，先生
Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old.Once he goes to a cinema.It is the first time for him to do that.He buys a ticket and goes in.But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again.After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket.Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket.But a girl asks him,“Why do you buy so many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”
汤姆是个小孩，他才7岁。当他去电影院的时候。那时他第一次去。他买了张票进去了。但没过两三分钟他就出来了，然后买了第二张票又进去了。几分钟后他又出来买了第三张票。接着两三分钟后他又出来买票。一个女的问她，“你为什么要买那么多票啊? 你见到了几个朋友？” “没有，我里面没朋友，但是每当我进门的时候一位大的女人老把我的票给剪了”
Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do? Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery 他真是一个大人物
小孩：我叔叔下面有1000个人。
男人：他真是一个大人物。他是干什么的？ 小孩：墓地守墓人。
Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?
Student: Of course.He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名伟人
老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？
学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。
Mr.Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇．
服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的．
Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。
父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗？
儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？
A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they‟re eight or ten years old or something like that.So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don‟t know, son.I‟m still paying.”
有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩，对方是学校的同学。八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人，然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸：「爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？」爸爸说：「是啊，儿子，非常花钱。」儿子又问：「要花多少钱呢？」爸爸说：「我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！」
“Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?” “No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it.”
“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”
“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”
“I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”
“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”
“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”
TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now，can anyone give me a good example?
John：Well，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？
约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question---if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”
“I'll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”
“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。
“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”
A man was going to the house of some rich person.As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road.He said, “I do not want to eat those apples;for the rich man will give me much food;he will give me very nice food to eat.” Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.He went on and came to a river.The river had become very big;so he could not go over it.He waited for some time;then he said, “I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river.” He began to go home.He had eaten no food that day.He began to want food.He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.Do not throw good things away;you may be glad to have them at some other time.【译文】 一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去，当他沿着路走时，在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说：“我不打算吃那些苹果，因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。”然后他拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了，因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说：“今天我去不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。” 他开始回家，那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “ there's only ONE policeman!”
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，„醉‟字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸，”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.” “That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”
安眠药
鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”
第五篇：英文小故事哲理篇与幽默篇
哲理篇
The Help from the God A small village came into a very large storm, and floods began to submerge the whole village.A priest prayed in the church when the flood submerged his knees． Lifeguard came to the church driving a sampan： “Father, come here as soon as possible！Otherwise you will drown in the flood！” The priest said： “No！I am confident that God will save me, please go to save others．” But soon, the water rose to the priest’s chest, and the priest had to stand on the altar． At this time, a police drove to the priest with a speedboat：“Father, hurry up, otherwise you will be drowned！” The priest said： “No, I would like to keep my church.I believe that God will save me．You’d better to save others.” After a while, the floods have submerged the entire church.The priest had no choice but to firmly grasp the top of the Cross Church．A helicopter flied over slowly, and the pilot dropped a rope ladder：“Father, hurry up, this is the last chance!” But the priest said: “No, I would like to keep my church！God will save me．”The stubborn priest was finally drowned.In the heaven, the priest asked the God angrily：”Lord, I devoted my whole life to serving you, why you refuse to help me！“ God said：” The first time, I sent a sampan to rescue you, but you didn’t get on.I think you are not satisfied with the sampan；the second time, I sent a speedboat, you refuse it again；the third time, I send a helicopter to rescue you, but also you are unwilling to accept it.Therefore, I thought you wanted to come back to my side.“ In fact, there are many obstacles in life chiefly coming from our stubbornness and ignorance．When others give us a hand, do not forget, only we accept it, can they help us！！
God's Coffee A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old professor.Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.The professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cupstelling them to help themselves.When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: ”If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, while the plain and cheap ones are left on the table.It is normal for you to have only the best for yourselves, which is the source of your problems and stress.Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...And then you began eyeing each other's cups.Now consider this: Life is the coffee;the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.“ God brews the coffee, not the cups..........Enjoy your coffee!”The happiest people don't have the best of everything.They just make the best of everything.“ Live simply.Love generously.Care deeply.Speak kindly.Leave the rest to God.Pebbles and diamonds
”Why do we have to learn about these useless things?“
This is what teachers have heard students complain about most commonly.In such cases, we may tell the students such a fable:
One night, a group of nomadic tribes of herdsmen was preparing to break camp, all of a sudden, a bunch of bright light shrouded.They knew that God would be there, so that they looked forward to getting wishes from God.God began to speak: ”You have to collect along the way a number of pebbles.Tomorrow night, you will be very happy, but you can also be regretted.“ Then God disappeared.Herdsmen were very disappointed, because they would look forward to God to bring them untold wealth and health and longevity, but they did not expect that God had told them to do all these meaningless things.However, in any case, after all, that was God's will, although there were some dissatisfaction, they were still picking over some stones,In this way, they took a day, when night fell, they camped.All of a sudden, they found that all the pebbles they picked had turned into diamonds.They were delighted, at the same time, they felt very sorry, and regretted that they did not collect more pebbles.Now we feel that knowledge is useless, like pebbles, in the future, they may become endless wealth.Sand and Stone The story goes that two friends were walking through the desert.During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: ”Today my best friend slapped me in the face.“
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: ”Today my best friend saved my life.“
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, ”After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone.Why?“
The other friend replied: ”When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.“
The Nail
There was a little boy with a bad temper.His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.Then it gradually dwindled down.He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.He said, ”You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.The fence will never be the same.When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.Show your friends how much you care.Five Keys in life In May, 2001, American Nevada state Madison middle school’s entrance examination set such a topic: On the Bill Gates desk there are 5 locked drawers, respectively representing wealth, interest, happiness, honor, and success.Gates always only have one key, and the other 4 are locked in the drawers.Which key does Gates take? One immigrated mainland student had flustered after he saw this topic, because he did not know whether it was a language question or a mathematics one.When the test finished, he asked his guarantor.The director told him that the answer was not in the books, and there were no standard answers.The mainland student got 9 points.He didn’t answer the question, but the teacher believed that, at least he was honest.At last, we know which key Gates takes in Gates’ writing in reply for this school.What does he write? The letter reads: the secret of your life is hiding behind what you are interested in.幽默篇
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, “Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
He Was Only Wrong by Two
Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enough to be accepted by the college.One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.“Well,” the dean said after some persuasion, “I‘d better ask him a few questions first.”
Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.At last the dean said, “Well, what‘s five times seven?”
The student thought for a long time and then answered, “Thirty-six.”
The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, “Oh, please let him in, sir!He was only wrong by two.”
Napoleon Was Ill
Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university.However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.“He‘s a good boy,” said Jack‘s father, “and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.”
“No, no, that‘s quite impossible,” replied the professor immediately.“Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!”
“Please, sir, give him another chance,” said Jack‘s father.“You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill.”
Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and they were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.The wife wanted to travel around the world.The fairy waved her hand, and Boom!She had the tickets in her hand.Next, it was the husband‘s turn.He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom!He was ninety.Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, “Gigantic Sale!” and “Super Bargains!” The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, “Prices Slashed!” and “Fantastic Discounts!” The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, “ENTRANCE”.That man knows the future Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden.While he was sawing, another man passed in the street.He stopped and said, 'Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.' He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.Nasreddin said nothing.He thought, 'This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.' The man continued on his way.Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it.'My God!' he cried.'That man knows the future!' and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live.But the man had gone.A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”
Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “There’s only ONE policeman!”
Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese.The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: “You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny.Where did you find the cheese?” “In the rat-trap, sir,” replied the boy.How many children will I have Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.” The man said “How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins.” After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.” Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the ”3 musketeers.“ Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says ”Congratulations, you got twins x2.“ Man is happy and says, ”Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.” All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.They asked him what's wrong and he answered, “What's wrong? I work for 7up”!
You're not going to make it
Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife.After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.“Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said, “but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival.First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day.Next, give him a stress-free environment, and don't complain about anything.Finally, make passionate love to him every day.On the drive home the husband asked, ”What did the doctor say?“ ”I'm sorry,“ she said, ”but you're not going to make it.A lawyer's dog A lawyer's dog，running about unleashed，beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks，“if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store，do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?” The lawyer answers，“Absolutely.”“Then you owe me $8.50.Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”The lawyer，without a word，writes the butcher a check for $8.50.Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.Time to a pig One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads to see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,“ I see that your pig likes apples, but isn’t that quite a waste of time?” The farmer replied," What’s time to a pig.”
The brave heart
A millionaire called on all the bachelors in the city to his home , and take them to a big pool where lived some crocodiles”I want to find a brave heart, let me see who dare to jump into this pool and swim to the other side--------he will be my son-in-low, get all my fortune and my beautiful daughter.”Sex!But„„Every man looked at each other, with a pale and red face.None dare.Suddenly, with a “PUTON”,a bachelor jumped into the water, God!He swam towards the other side at a crazy speed!And at the very lighting speed, he touched the side, and climbed on without even awaking the crocodiles!
The millionaire goes ahead and holds his hand: Congratulations!What a brave heart!I suppose U want to my daughter so much!
“Not at all!”the guy cried,”I just want to know who son of a bitch pushed me into the poor just now！”
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