第一篇：8月经典短信幽默故事-喝酒与恋爱相通
1、本人有很久没有和你联系了，我深刻认识到我错了，我们应该紧密团结在手机周围，以短信为中心，高举“有空必编，有编必发，有信必回”理论的伟大旗帜，认真贯彻落实‘代表友人、代表亲人、代表情人’的重要思想，坚持‘务必不怕手酸，务必不怕麻烦’的精神，把‘保持联系，经常骚扰’作为第一任务从根本上改变‘平时不搭理有事才说话的局面’短信要有新思想、语言要有新思路、忽悠要有新突破、煽情要有新水平，最终达到共同欠费目的！
2、经本人研究发现，喝酒与恋爱的确有相通之处，酒能醉人，情也能醉人；酒能伤人，情亦能伤人。并且两者的实施过程一般都是六步曲：开始严防死守，之后半推半就，然后来者不拒，接着主动出击，直至死缠烂打，最后一醉方休。
3、一男生爱恋一女生许久，火一样的热情，可女生却不接受。假期，女生约他到黄河一见。男生欣喜若狂，见面后，女子说：你到了黄河，也该死心了！
4、娶黛玉的八种理由：林黛玉泪腺发达，可用来洗菜、洗衣服；林黛玉身材娇小，做衣服省料，节省资源；林黛玉身体虚弱，活动范围小，不会缠着你逛街；林黛玉脸小，用起化妆品特别省；林黛玉感情专一，不用担心移情别恋哦；林黛玉文才极高，以后写方案可以让她代笔；林黛玉醋坛极大，可以时不时的拿来烧菜；当然，最重要的就是林妹妹天生丽质养眼哦~(=@__@=)~
5、经理开门，准备赴会。一女闯进办公室，手提鲜色内裤。“请提醒你办公室主任，他的东西忘了带走！”经理忙着赴会，接过内裤顺手放进衣兜，“我一定提醒，一定！”经理很快忘掉了此事。回到家，老婆洗衣服清理衣兜，惊呼：“我到处找内裤，原来被你揣走了！”
6、有个漂亮女人，嫁给一个丑陋的男人。当这女人怀孕时，她对丈夫抱怨道：“要是孩子像你，你实在是该诅咒。”丈夫回答道：“要是孩子不像我，你才是该诅咒的呢！”
7、年轻的国王问他的大臣：为什么我十四岁就可以统治这个国家，而到十八岁人们还不允许我结婚？大臣回答：因为照顾妻子比治理国家还难，陛下。
8、妻子偷看丈夫的日记，发现一页写着：到医院“！”，很疑惑，丈夫回家后，妻子指着日记质问丈夫，丈夫很无辜地说 ：没什么呀，我那天到医院去打点滴。
10、漂亮女人不实在，表面风光心儿赖，她说爱你一辈子，或许只是一阵子，有钱时候亲爱的，没钱想着另外的，花花世界花花心，身旁女人应留心！
11、苗苗在高速上行驶时，她老公打来电话：亲爱的，你要小心点，刚听广播说高速上有辆车逆行。小西郁闷地说：有没搞错！我看到起码有几百辆都在逆行。
第二篇：幽默搞笑与短信
当前位置: 文章网 > 散文 > 散文诗歌 > 一些带有诗的幽默搞笑的诗句
时间:2012-10-24 16:50来源:我的文章网 作者:admin 点击:
次
三个臭皮匠 臭味都一样 射人先射马 捉奸捉在床
书到用时方恨少 钱到月底不够花 天若有情天亦老 人若有情死得早 天生我材必有用 老鼠儿子会打洞 问君能有几多愁 恰似一壶二锅头
（结发之夫不上床），糟糠之妻不下堂。语文老师暴怒！
______________ 我渴望自由，但人的身躯怎能从狗洞子里爬出„„，同桌的答案：为狗爬出的洞也锁着 / 他妈的，都锁着！‘两情若是长久时’同学对：该是两人成婚时。
半夜三更鬼敲门 路上行人欲断魂 长江后浪推前浪 前浪死在沙滩上 红橙黄绿青蓝紫 东南西北中发白 后宫佳丽三千人 铁棒也会磨成针
宽衣解带终不悔 为伊消得人憔悴 千山万水总是情 多给一份行不行 穷则独善其身 富则妻妾成群
“千山万水总是情”，同学答：多给一份行不行。批卷老师对了一句：情是情，分是分，多给一份都不行。“天若有情天亦老”，下一句是？答：人不风流枉少年！正解：月若无恨月长圆!(李贺《金铜仙人辞汉歌》)“天若有情天亦老”，下一句是？答：人若有情死得早。正解：月若无恨月长圆!“我劝天公重抖擞，天公对我吼三吼” 正解：形形色色降人才，龚自珍 长江后浪推前浪。答：前浪死在沙滩上 沉舟侧畔千帆过，同学对：孔雀开屏花样多。
初一的学生的对的对子，登城白云间揽山色入怀 同学对的：我到酒店去抱小姐上床。他的语文老师当场吐血而亡。
初中一同学的杰作: 半夜三更鬼敲门(填空)，路上行人欲断魂.东边日出西边雨，答：床头打架床尾合
高一的时候，一次月考，上句：仰天大笑出门去，（正解）我辈岂是蓬蒿人。班上有人写：一不小心扭到腰。还有一句，上句：清水出芙蓉，（正解）天然去雕饰。有人写，淤泥出莲藕；还有人更绝，写：乱世出英雄。
高一考语文，问：东风不与周郎便，下句是什么？ 全班80％的答案是：赔了夫人又折兵。正解：铜雀春深锁二乔。
高中的语文卷子常常要填诗，有一题是《红楼梦》中的“子系中山狼____________”一男生填的是“我乃东北虎”，我们都笑傻了
高中考试，“身无彩凤双飞翼，_________”。有个同学填“夫妻双双把家还。” http://www.xiexiebang.com 经典语句
高中时，毛某人的词：红橙黄绿青蓝紫，（）同学答曰：东南西北中发白。管中窥豹。答：吓我一跳...哈哈哈(原文是可见一斑)还有次考陶渊明的“吾不能为五斗米折腰，”，同学填的是“给我六斗就可以”...还有李清照的如梦令“知否？知否？___________”„”原句是“应是绿肥红瘦”，同学答：“sorry i，don’t know。”
考试，“书到用时方恨少”的下一句是什么？同学对是“钱到月底不够花” 考语文，问： 问君能有几多愁，同学填，恰似一壶二锅头，老师大怒，你又喝多了......鲁腋先生某句，后半是“我以我血溅轩辕”，同学前面填了“他以他刀插我身”。。
洛阳亲友如相问，同学填: 请你不要告诉他，正解是：一片冰心在玉壶 葡萄美酒夜光杯，同学写的：金钱美人一大堆。
期末考试出对联 上联是英雄宝刀未老...该初三同学对下联为...老娘丰韵尤存
请在括号里填出下句：天若有情天亦老，（我只担心等不到）人生自古谁无死 同学填，有谁大便不带纸.上句：东边日出西边雨~ 要求填下句~ 有个同学填：上错花轿嫁对郎~ 射人先射马_________。同学答曰：捉奸捉在床。
身有彩凤双飞翼，答：拔毛凤凰不如鸡（正解是心有灵犀一点通）
填“飞入平常百姓家”的前一句，应当是“旧时王谢堂前燕”。有个同学写的：“康佳彩霸电视机，飞入平常百姓家”
五年级的一次考试就考到了“三个臭皮匠”同学填，“臭味都一样”把监考和外面的校长笑翻了
想当年，金戈铁马。（问下句）同学填——看今朝，死缠烂打。正解：气吞万里如虎。
一次考试 西塞山前白鹭飞，＿＿＿＿＿＿？我同学对的挺工整的：东村河边乌龟爬．
一同学，题：但愿人长久，答：一颗永流传，当时狂笑，现在觉得挺经典的 一同学填: 天生我才必有用要害时辰显神通
有次考：老吾老以及人之老，同学填：妻吾妻以及人之妻。－－！有一同学这样答卷.床前明月光__________?答曰:李白睡的香.语文考试，填空里有一首革命诗：为人进出的门紧锁着，________________，一个声音高喊着：
语文考试期末考试答题：良药苦口利于病，答：不吃才是大傻瓜。人生自古谁无死，答：只是死的有先后。结局：家长会后我同事被老师留下来训话鸟......月考，一题是默写“天生我材必有用”的下句。有天才学生答“老鼠儿子会打洞”整办公室的语文老师集体毫无形象的狂笑” 女：你原先有过女朋友? 男：十年生死两茫茫，不思量，自难忘。女：死了?怎么死的? 男：山天陵，江水为竭，冬雷阵阵夏雨雪。女：喔，是天灾。那这些年你怎么过来的? 男：满面尘灰烟火色，两手苍苍十指黑。女；唉，不容易。那你看见我的第一感觉是什么? 男：忽如-夜春风来，千树万树梨花开。女：(红着脸)有那么好? 男：糟粕所传非粹美，丹青难写是精神。女：马屁精--你有理想吗? 男：他年若遂凌云志，敢笑黄巢不丈夫。女：你„„对爱情的看法呢? 男：只在此山中，云深不知处。女：那你喜欢读书吗? 男：军书十二卷，卷卷有爷名!女：这牛吹大了吧?你那么大才华，怎么还独身? 男：小姑未嫁身如寄，莲子心多苦自知。
女：(笑)假如，我是说假如，我答应嫁给你，你打算怎样待我? 男：一片冰心在玉壶!女：你保证不会对别的女人动心? 男：波澜誓不起，妾心古井水。女：暂且信你一回，不过，我正打算去美国念书，你能等我吗? 男：此去经年，应是良辰美景虚设。女：不过„„
男：独自凭栏，无限江山，别时容易见时难!女：但是„„.男：望夫处，江悠悠，化为石，不回头!女；好了好了，怕了你„„„
婚后
女：结婚那么久，你还在想你原先妁女朋友? 男：曾经沧海难为水，除却巫山不是云。女：那为什么当年还和我结婚? 男：梦里不知身是客，一晌贪欢。女：太过分了吧。我们好歹是夫妻。男：夫妻本是同林鸟，大难临头各自飞。女：那我们这段婚姻，你怎么看? 男：醒来几向楚巾看，梦觉尚心寒!女：有那么惨吗?你不是说对我的第一印象„„
男：美女如花满春殿，身边惟有鹧鸪飞。女：不是这么说的吧，难道，你竟然„„ 男：昔日龌龊不足夸，今朝放荡思无涯。
女：一直以来朋友写信告诉我我都不相信，没想到竟是真的!
男：纸上得来终觉浅，绝知此事要躬行。女：你原先的理想都到哪儿去了? 男：且把浮名，换了斟低唱。女：(泪眼朦胧)你，你不是答应一片冰心的吗? 男：不忍见此物，焚之已成灰。女：你就不怕亲朋耻笑，后世唾骂? 男：宁可抱香枝头死，何曾吹落北风中。女：我要不同意分手呢? 男：分手尚且为兄弟，何必非做骨肉亲。女：好，够绝！
1、黑黑的眼睛直直的鼻，绒绒的脑袋憨憨的脸让我想得夜难眠。多想摸摸你，多想抱抱你，多想看你在阳光下叼根骨头撒欢：你就是我心爱的小狗狗！
2、星期一糖醋排骨，星期二腰花粥，星期三青椒爆肚，星期四干菜蒸肉，星期五骨汤弹面，星期六红烧大肠。星期天„„星期天我终于把你吃完了，亲爱的，我们可以永远在一起了。
3、这年头，坐飞机有打滚的；做轮船有沉底的；做火车有出轨的；做汽车有亲嘴的；所以我劝你，没事还是在你的老鼠洞里呆着不要出来的好。
4、你的策划通过了，cctv上有名了。你的建议采纳了，开始付诸行动了。你的订单飞来了，企业起死回生了。还是老板会夸奖：有文化的猪就是不一样！
5、我真的很喜欢你大大的耳朵宽宽的脸，厚厚的嘴唇黑黑的眼。你的歌声很奇妙，歌词总是一个调--哼哼哼-哼哼哼。你就是我的宠物猪崽崽！
6、我昨天一进村就看见一个人端着酒杯在追一头肥猪，边追边喊：跑啥跑，想耍赖？是兄弟就得干了这杯酒！仔细一看，原来这个酒鬼就是你。
7、别人说你笨手笨脚的，我相信傻人有傻福。别人说你呆头呆脑的，我相信痴心妄想有时也能美梦成真。别人说你蠢的不开窍，我知道大智若愚就是你的法宝！
8、达沙瓜就湿泥，饵白乌夜湿泥，深茎冰酒湿泥，搭懒宠夜湿泥，搭架洗换看猴喜，看的对香酒湿泥。泥若砍猴露效恋，筷乐杏福树于泥。
1、“病中垂死惊坐起，小猪笑了”“沉吟回首看尽千帆，小猪笑了”“指云问天道，小猪笑了”“子在川上曰，小猪笑了”“何时共剪西窗烛，小猪笑了”“引刀成一快，小猪笑了”
2、君子坦荡荡，小人卖基金。商女不知亡国恨，一天到晚卖基金。洛阳亲友如相问，就说我在卖基金。千古兴亡多少事，只因满朝卖基金。举头望明月，低头卖基金。少壮不努力，老大卖基金。君当做磐石，我愿卖基金。在天愿作比翼鸟，在地愿意卖基金。春眠不觉晓，处处卖基金。
3、长江后浪推前浪，可惜你小鸟毛都没有；莫等闲白了少年头，可惜你小鸟毛都没有；人生自古谁无死，可惜你小鸟毛都没有；哥哥就由我来守护，可惜你小鸟毛都没有；“„„你先把裤子穿好再说吧”“可惜你小鸟毛都没有”；（脱衣服）“可惜你小鸟毛都没有”。
4、感冒发烧肿么办？多喝点水就好了„月经疼痛肿么办？多喝点水就好了„皮肤搔痒肿么办？多喝点水就好了„大便干燥肿么办？多喝点水就好了„
5、厦大：我是全省最好的大学；师大：我有辣椒炒月饼。福大：我是211高校；师大：我有辣椒炒月...6、“我要成为海贼王！”“外面蹶着去”、“用我一生换你十年天真无邪”“外面蹶着去”、“你还差得远呢！”“外面蹶着去”、“佐助！”“外面蹶着去”。
7、“我„你„”“你是个好人。”“我是真的恨你啊，我早该知道„”“你是个好人。”“十年之后才说这句！”“你是个好人。”“三年之后又三年„”“你是个好人。”“剑3又回档了！”“„你是个好人。”
第三篇：幽默笑话与激励小故事
4.长颈鹿嫁给了猴子，一年后长颈鹿提出离婚：我再也不要过这种上蹿下跳的日子了！猴子大怒：离就离！谁见过亲个嘴还得爬树的！
5、鱼说：“我时时刻刻把眼睁开是为了在你身边不舍离开。”水说：“我终日流淌不知疲倦是为了围绕你，好好把你抱紧。”锅说：“都他妈快熟了还这么多废话。”
狮子和熊分别在树旁大便，一个月后，狮子发现自己大便旁的树木比熊的那棵长得粗壮，于是说了一句饱含沧桑的哲理——狮 屎 胜 于 熊 便！
昨天在公交车上，特别挤，我实在是受不了了，于是喊道：“别挤了，别挤了，把我的手都挤到别人兜里啦！”周围好多人齐刷刷地看着我，和我保持距离，这下我可舒服多了。
求生反应与速度竞争
玩励志游戏 故事有两个人在树林里过夜。早上树林里突然跑出一头熊来，两个人中一个忙着穿球鞋；另一个对他说：”你把球鞋穿上有什么用？我们反正跑不过熊啊！”忙着穿球鞋的人说：”我是要跑过你。”
道理：这说明我们面对的世界是一个充满充数且竞争非常激烈的世界，跑得快不快，很可能是成功与失败的关键，在管理中快速反应也能形成竞争优势。
合理要求
有三个人要被关进监狱三年，监狱长给他们三个一人一个合理要求。
美国人爱抽雪茄，要了三箱雪茄。
法国人最浪漫，要一个美丽的女子相伴。
而犹太人说，他要一部与外界沟通的电话。
三年过后，第一个冲出来的是美国人，嘴里鼻孔里塞满了雪茄，大喊道：“给我火，给我火！原来他忘了要火了。
接着出来的是法国人。只见他手里抱着一个小孩子，美丽女子手里牵着一个小孩子，肚子里还怀着第三个。
最后出来的是犹太人，他紧紧握住监狱长的手说：“这三年来我每天与外界联系，我的生意不但没有停顿，反而增长了200％，为了表示感谢，我送你一辆劳施莱斯！”
道理：有时候一个选择，一个决定，会影响我们的生活，我们要选择接触最新的信息，掌握一切，还是一些眼前的好处，选择好了才能为自己创造更好的将来。
第四篇：英文小故事哲理篇与幽默篇
哲理篇
The Help from the God A small village came into a very large storm, and floods began to submerge the whole village.A priest prayed in the church when the flood submerged his knees． Lifeguard came to the church driving a sampan： “Father, come here as soon as possible！Otherwise you will drown in the flood！” The priest said： “No！I am confident that God will save me, please go to save others．” But soon, the water rose to the priest’s chest, and the priest had to stand on the altar． At this time, a police drove to the priest with a speedboat：“Father, hurry up, otherwise you will be drowned！” The priest said： “No, I would like to keep my church.I believe that God will save me．You’d better to save others.” After a while, the floods have submerged the entire church.The priest had no choice but to firmly grasp the top of the Cross Church．A helicopter flied over slowly, and the pilot dropped a rope ladder：“Father, hurry up, this is the last chance!” But the priest said: “No, I would like to keep my church！God will save me．”The stubborn priest was finally drowned.In the heaven, the priest asked the God angrily：”Lord, I devoted my whole life to serving you, why you refuse to help me！“ God said：” The first time, I sent a sampan to rescue you, but you didn’t get on.I think you are not satisfied with the sampan；the second time, I sent a speedboat, you refuse it again；the third time, I send a helicopter to rescue you, but also you are unwilling to accept it.Therefore, I thought you wanted to come back to my side.“ In fact, there are many obstacles in life chiefly coming from our stubbornness and ignorance．When others give us a hand, do not forget, only we accept it, can they help us！！
God's Coffee A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old professor.Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.The professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cupstelling them to help themselves.When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: ”If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, while the plain and cheap ones are left on the table.It is normal for you to have only the best for yourselves, which is the source of your problems and stress.Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...And then you began eyeing each other's cups.Now consider this: Life is the coffee;the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.“ God brews the coffee, not the cups..........Enjoy your coffee!”The happiest people don't have the best of everything.They just make the best of everything.“ Live simply.Love generously.Care deeply.Speak kindly.Leave the rest to God.Pebbles and diamonds
”Why do we have to learn about these useless things?“
This is what teachers have heard students complain about most commonly.In such cases, we may tell the students such a fable:
One night, a group of nomadic tribes of herdsmen was preparing to break camp, all of a sudden, a bunch of bright light shrouded.They knew that God would be there, so that they looked forward to getting wishes from God.God began to speak: ”You have to collect along the way a number of pebbles.Tomorrow night, you will be very happy, but you can also be regretted.“ Then God disappeared.Herdsmen were very disappointed, because they would look forward to God to bring them untold wealth and health and longevity, but they did not expect that God had told them to do all these meaningless things.However, in any case, after all, that was God's will, although there were some dissatisfaction, they were still picking over some stones,In this way, they took a day, when night fell, they camped.All of a sudden, they found that all the pebbles they picked had turned into diamonds.They were delighted, at the same time, they felt very sorry, and regretted that they did not collect more pebbles.Now we feel that knowledge is useless, like pebbles, in the future, they may become endless wealth.Sand and Stone The story goes that two friends were walking through the desert.During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: ”Today my best friend slapped me in the face.“
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: ”Today my best friend saved my life.“
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, ”After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone.Why?“
The other friend replied: ”When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.“
The Nail
There was a little boy with a bad temper.His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.Then it gradually dwindled down.He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.He said, ”You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.The fence will never be the same.When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.Show your friends how much you care.Five Keys in life In May, 2001, American Nevada state Madison middle school’s entrance examination set such a topic: On the Bill Gates desk there are 5 locked drawers, respectively representing wealth, interest, happiness, honor, and success.Gates always only have one key, and the other 4 are locked in the drawers.Which key does Gates take? One immigrated mainland student had flustered after he saw this topic, because he did not know whether it was a language question or a mathematics one.When the test finished, he asked his guarantor.The director told him that the answer was not in the books, and there were no standard answers.The mainland student got 9 points.He didn’t answer the question, but the teacher believed that, at least he was honest.At last, we know which key Gates takes in Gates’ writing in reply for this school.What does he write? The letter reads: the secret of your life is hiding behind what you are interested in.幽默篇
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, “Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
He Was Only Wrong by Two
Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enough to be accepted by the college.One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.“Well,” the dean said after some persuasion, “I‘d better ask him a few questions first.”
Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.At last the dean said, “Well, what‘s five times seven?”
The student thought for a long time and then answered, “Thirty-six.”
The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, “Oh, please let him in, sir!He was only wrong by two.”
Napoleon Was Ill
Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university.However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.“He‘s a good boy,” said Jack‘s father, “and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.”
“No, no, that‘s quite impossible,” replied the professor immediately.“Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!”
“Please, sir, give him another chance,” said Jack‘s father.“You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill.”
Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and they were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.The wife wanted to travel around the world.The fairy waved her hand, and Boom!She had the tickets in her hand.Next, it was the husband‘s turn.He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom!He was ninety.Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, “Gigantic Sale!” and “Super Bargains!” The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, “Prices Slashed!” and “Fantastic Discounts!” The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, “ENTRANCE”.That man knows the future Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden.While he was sawing, another man passed in the street.He stopped and said, 'Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.' He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.Nasreddin said nothing.He thought, 'This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.' The man continued on his way.Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it.'My God!' he cried.'That man knows the future!' and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live.But the man had gone.A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”
Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “There’s only ONE policeman!”
Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese.The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: “You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny.Where did you find the cheese?” “In the rat-trap, sir,” replied the boy.How many children will I have Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.” The man said “How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins.” After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.” Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the ”3 musketeers.“ Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says ”Congratulations, you got twins x2.“ Man is happy and says, ”Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.” All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.They asked him what's wrong and he answered, “What's wrong? I work for 7up”!
You're not going to make it
Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife.After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.“Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said, “but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival.First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day.Next, give him a stress-free environment, and don't complain about anything.Finally, make passionate love to him every day.On the drive home the husband asked, ”What did the doctor say?“ ”I'm sorry,“ she said, ”but you're not going to make it.A lawyer's dog A lawyer's dog，running about unleashed，beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks，“if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store，do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?” The lawyer answers，“Absolutely.”“Then you owe me $8.50.Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”The lawyer，without a word，writes the butcher a check for $8.50.Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.Time to a pig One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads to see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,“ I see that your pig likes apples, but isn’t that quite a waste of time?” The farmer replied," What’s time to a pig.”
The brave heart
A millionaire called on all the bachelors in the city to his home , and take them to a big pool where lived some crocodiles”I want to find a brave heart, let me see who dare to jump into this pool and swim to the other side--------he will be my son-in-low, get all my fortune and my beautiful daughter.”Sex!But„„Every man looked at each other, with a pale and red face.None dare.Suddenly, with a “PUTON”,a bachelor jumped into the water, God!He swam towards the other side at a crazy speed!And at the very lighting speed, he touched the side, and climbed on without even awaking the crocodiles!
The millionaire goes ahead and holds his hand: Congratulations!What a brave heart!I suppose U want to my daughter so much!
“Not at all!”the guy cried,”I just want to know who son of a bitch pushed me into the poor just now！”
第五篇：文人与盗贼的五则幽默故事
文人与盗贼的五则幽默故事
(2010-12-14 00:01:05)转载 标签： 分类： 文化
文化 刘继兴
文人与盗贼，似乎风马牛不相及。然而，史上曾发生过一些很有趣的文人与盗贼之间的故事，读来令人忍俊不禁。
“趁着月色赶豪门”
一天深夜，小偷钻进了郑板桥家的院子。郑板桥为官清廉并不怕偷，只是担心小偷碰翻了他的兰花，更担心小偷被小黄狗咬伤，于是在黑暗中“献”诗一首：“细雨蒙蒙夜沉沉，梁上君子进我门。”小偷听了吓了一跳，正欲躲藏，但听得郑板桥吟道：“腹内诗书存万卷，床头金银无半文。”小偷听明白了，知道此乃暗示，便赶紧转身，郑也就接着吟道：“出门休惊黄花犬，越墙莫损兰花盆。”小偷听了非常感激，便小心翼翼地爬墙出去，而且又听到了那个极亲切的声音：“天寒不及披衣送，趁着月色赶豪门。”诗中体现了郑板桥对“梁上君子”的某种同情心和对豪门的憎恨。如此认真的叮咛，言辞之谆谆，也的确让小偷感到了一丝温暖。
“也堪将去教儿曹”
苏州有个老儒生叫沈文卿，家里很清寒。一天，他专心读书至半夜，忽而瞥见小偷进屋偷东西，又没偷到什么，就慢吞吞招呼道：“承蒙光临，送你一首诗怎么样？”于是即兴拈来朗声道：“风寒月黑夜迢迢，辜负劳心此一遭。只有破书三五册，也堪将去教儿曹。”小偷听了，苦笑着离去。
“世上如今半是君”
《唐诗纪事》卷四十六“李涉”条记载：涉尝过九江，至皖口遇盗，问何人，从者曰：“李博士也。”其豪首曰：“若是李涉博士，不用剽夺，久闻诗名，愿题一篇足矣。”涉赠一绝云：“春雨潇潇江上村，绿林豪客夜知闻。他时不用相回避，世上如今半是君。”
李涉是中唐太学博士，“工为诗，词意卓荦，不群世俗。长篇叙事，如行云流水，无可牵制，才名一时钦动。长庆二年（822）春天，他到江西九江看望他在那里当江州刺史的弟弟李渤时途遇盗贼写此诗，题为《井栏砂宿寓夜客》。它在即兴式的诙谐幽默中寓有颇为严肃的社会内容和现实感慨。刘继兴认为，所谓“世上如今半是君”，显然别有所指。它所指的应该是那些不蒙“盗贼”之名而所作所为却比“盗贼”更甚的人们，是那些“相群相党，上下为蟊贼”之辈。相比之下，这些眼前的“绿林豪客”如此敬重诗人、富于人情，倒显得有些亲切可爱了。
盗贼们得此诗，如获至宝，用大量牛肉美酒馈赠，又两次拱手弯腰揖拜，并送李涉启程上路。
辛文房的《唐才子传》中的《李涉传》也详细记载了此事。
“分明一派西湖景”
到了明代，又有一个秀才遇上小偷，这也是个穷秀才。一天，他在私塾与学生授完课，回到家徒四壁的家中，饥肠辘辘的他正想做饭，当他揭开米缸时，只有数粒米躺在缸底。秀才只好小心翼翼地将那几粒米放到瓦瓯里煮。
当他捧起那清如西湖水的一瓯粥想喝时，鼻子呼出的气将瓦瓯里漂浮着的几粒米粥吹得上下翻腾，此时，秀才诗性大发，便顺口吟了两句：“数粒熬成粥一瓯，鼻风吹起浪悠悠。”可是吟来吟去，怎么也接不下去了。正当他捧着那瓯粥在破屋里踱来踱去想下句的时候，在他家已潜伏多时的小偷实在忍不住，于是脱口而出，给秀才续上了后两句：“分明一派西湖景，只欠渔翁一钓钩。”
秀才一听连说：“好句，好句。”
“白天都不可能找到一分钱，何况晚上呢?”
有趣的是，外国也曾发生过文化名人与盗贼幽默调侃的有趣故事。法国大文豪巴尔扎克曾经历过一段极困苦的日子.那是他大学刚毕业时，他学的是法律，按理该当律师，但他对律师这个职业全无兴趣，一心要当作家。父亲劝阻无效，只好与他约法三章：给他两年时间让他试试看，如两年内不能成功，立即回头当律师，否则绝不再供给他一丝一毫的生活费用。转眼两年过去了，巴尔扎克并没有成功。父亲见他并不回心转意，也就说话算话不再管他，他开始负债累累，住在寒酸破旧的下等公寓里坚持写作。至于吃的，当然是最差的，但这难不倒他，每当吃饭时，他总要在空空如也的桌子上画上一个个盘子，并在“盘子里”写上“意大利牛排”、“法国奶酪”、“英国香肠”等字样，在美好的想像中狼吞虎咽。
也正是在这样一段日子，有个小偷半夜三更闯了进来，巴尔扎克醒了，知道这是小偷，但并不生气，而是静静地听着动静，听他在黑暗中摸索，累得气喘吁吁，挺心疼，于是就极友好地劝了一句：“别找了，亲爱的。我在白天都不可能找到一分钱，何况晚上呢?”小偷听了挺感动，竟然说了声“谢谢”，道了声“再会”，赶紧“打道回府”了。
（刘继兴）
点击咨询 