第一篇：简单幽默英语小故事及翻译
I Don‟t Like Her
Bob goes to a new school.One day he comes back, “Bob, do you like your new teacher?” his mother asks.“I don‟t like her, Mother.Because first she says that three and three is six, and then she says that two and four is six, too.” 我不喜欢她
鲍勃的去了所新学校。
一天，他回到家，他妈妈问他：“你喜欢你的新老师吗？”
“不，我不喜欢她，妈妈。因为她先说3加3等于6，然后她又说2加4等于6.” 2 Ten Candies Mother asks her son, “Jim, if you have ten candies, and you eat four, then how many candles do you have?” “Ten.” Jim says.“Ten？” Mother asks.Yes, Mum.Four candies are in my stomach and six candies are out of my stomach.Four and six is ten, isn‟t it right?” 十块糖
妈妈问儿子：“吉姆，如果你有10块糖，吃了4块，那你还有几块糖？” “10块。”吉姆说。
“10块？”妈妈问。
“是的，妈妈。因为4块在我的肚子里面，6块在肚子外面，4加6等于10，不对吗？” 3 Where is the egg? Teacher: Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student: Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher: Then where is the “egg“? Student: In the cake, sir.鸡蛋在哪里？
老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？ 学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？ 学生：在蛋糕里，先生Count Tomorrow Morning It‟s a night.John is looking at the sky.Tom is John‟s younger brother.He asks John “What are you doing?” John says, “I‟m counting stars.”
Tom laughs and says, “It‟s really dark now.Why not count them tomorrow morning?” 明天早上数
一个晚上, 约翰抬头看着天空。
汤姆是约翰的弟弟。他问约翰：“你在干什么？” 约翰说：“我在数星星。”
汤姆笑着说：“现在天空太黑了。你为什么不等到明天早上再数呢？” 5 It Must Be Crowded A teacher is telling his students, “The moon is very large.Several millions of people can live there.”
And a boy laughs and says, “It must get crowded when it‟s a crescent moon.” 一定很拥挤
一位老师告诉学生们：“月亮非常大，上面能住几百万人。”
一个男孩笑着说：“当月亮变成月牙的时候，住在上面的人该多拥挤啊！6 Are Flies Yummy? Tony and his father are eating dinner.Suddenly Tony asks his father, “Dad, are flies yummy?”
Dad frowns and says, “No, I think it‟s yucky.Why do you ask me this question? It‟s a silly question.”
But Tony says, “ There was one fly in your plate.” 苍蝇好吃吗？
托尼正和他爸爸一起吃晚餐。
突然，托尼问他的爸爸：“爸爸，苍蝇好吃吗？”
爸爸皱眉说：“我想不好吃。你怎么会问这个问题？这可是一个愚蠢的问题。” 可是托尼说：“刚才你盘子里有一只苍蝇。” 7 “I'm sorry, Madam, but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”
“Twenty dollars!Why , you charged only four dollars for such work before!” “Yes，but your boy yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”
“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！为什么？你之前只收4美元的！”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。” 8 A Good Boy
Little Robert asks his mother for two cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?“
”I gave it to a poor old woman,“ he answers.”You're a good boy,“ said the mother proudly.”Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?“ ”She is the one who sells the candy.“ 好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太太，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。
“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” 9 I Made Granny Glad A teacher is telling her students the importance of making others glad.“Now, children,” she
says “Did you make someone else glad?”
“Please, teacher,” says a small boy, “I made someone glad yesterday.” “Well done.Who was that?” The teacher says.“My granny.” The boy says.“Good boy.Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad.” The teacher says.“I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her for three hours.Then I said to her, „Granny，I‟m going home.‟ And she said, “well.I‟m glad!” 我让奶奶高兴了
一位教师正在对学生将使人高兴的重要性。“听着，孩子们，”他说：“你们曾让别人 高兴过吗？”
“我，老师，”一个男孩子说，“昨天我就使别人高兴过。” “做得好。是谁呢？”老师说。“我奶奶。”小男孩说。
“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的？”老师问道。
“是这样的，老师。昨天我去看她，在她那儿呆了3个小时。然后我对她说：“奶奶，我要回家了。”她说：“啊，我很高兴。” 10 The Ox and the Dog An ox and a dog serve for the same farmer.One day the dog arrogantly says: “How grand I am!In the daytime, I watch out for the cattle in the meadows;at night, I guard the house.But you…” “Me? How about me ?” the ox says
“You can only plough or draw a cart,” the dog slightly says.“Yes.It‟s true,” the ox says.“But if I don‟t plough, what do you guard?” 牛和狗
一头牛和一只狗同时为一个农夫工作。
一天，狗骄傲地说着；„我是多么重要啊！白天我在牧场看护家群，晚上我看家。而你呢…..?”
“我？我怎么啦？“ 牛反问。
“你只会犁地或是拉扯。”狗不懈地说。
“是的。你说得没有错，”牛回答道。“但是如果没有我犁地，你看护什么呢？” 11 That Is Not My Dog!A woman walks into a pet shop and sees a cute little dog.She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bit.” The woman tries to pet the dog and the dog bites her.“Ouch!” She says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!” 那不是我的狗
一个妇人走进一家宠物店，看见一只很可爱的小狗。她问店主：“你的狗咬人吗？”
店主说：“不，我的狗不咬人。”
于是这个妇人试着抚摸小狗，可是小狗却咬了她。“哎哟！”妇人说，“我想你刚才还说你的狗不咬人。” 店主人回答说：“那不是我的狗。” 12 Teacher: Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says,” School-Go slow“.老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着”学校----慢行".
第二篇：英语幽默小故事10篇(带翻译)
英语幽默小故事10篇(带翻译)线话英语|2016-03-14 17:03:05
英语幽默小故事10篇(带翻译)如下：
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, “Gigantic Sale!” and “Super Bargains!”
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, “Prices Slashed!” and “Fantastic Discounts!”
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, “ENTRANCE”.中间战术
三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。
右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”
左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”
中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。
Very Pleased to Meet You
During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army.Joan Phillips was one of them.She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance.He said to her, “I’m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other.” Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.Joan went there and said to the matron, “I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys.”
“Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here,” the matron said.“Oh, that‘s all right,” answered Joan.“I‘m his sister.”
“I‘m very pleased to meet you,” the matron said, “I‘m his mother!”
在第二次世界大战中，有许多年轻的妇女在军营中服役。琼.飞利浦斯是其中之一。她在一个大军营中工作，当然遇到了许多男士，包括军官和士兵。
一天晚上她在舞会上遇到了军官汉弗雷斯。他对她说，“我明天就要出国，但如果我们能够相互写信，我会很高兴。”琼同意了，于是他们几个月里一直通着信。
后来，他再没有来信。她收到了另一个军官的信，告诉她，他受伤了，住在英格兰的某个部队医院里。
琼到了医院，她对护士长说，“我来看望军官汉弗雷斯。”
“这里只有亲属可以探望病人。”护士长说。
“噢，是的，”琼说，“我是他的妹妹。”
“很高兴认识你，”护士长说，“我是他的母亲。”
Two Soldiers
Two soldiers were in camp.The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill.George said, “have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?”
Bill said, “Yes, I have,” and he gave them to him.Then George said, “Now I haven‘t got a pen.” Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter.Then he put it in the envelope and said, “have you got a stamp, Bill?” Bill gave him one.Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, “Are you going out?”
Bill Said, “Yes, I am,” and he opened the door.George said, “Please put my letter in the box in the office, and...” He stopped.“What do you want now?” Bill said to him.George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, “What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?”
军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”
比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。
乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。
这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”
比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。
乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。
“你还要什么?”比尔问。
乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是-?”
Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18.So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too.This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.“How old are you?” he said.“Eighteen, sir,” said John.“But your brother was eighteen, too,” said the doctor.“Are you twins?”
“Oh, no, sir,” said John, and his face went red.“My brother is five months older than I am.”
大五个月
第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。
可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。
“你多大了?”军医问。
“十八，长官。”约翰说。
“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”
约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”
West Point
My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College.Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms.Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, “to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point.”
One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture.They explained, “We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point.”
父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好让我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”
一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”
(6)Present for Girlfriend
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.“Shall I engrave her name on it?” the jeweler asked.The customer thought for a moment, and then said, “No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘.That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again.”
送给女友的礼物
在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的礼物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗?”珠宝商问道。
那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：“不--在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”
Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.The wife wanted to travel around the world.The fairy waved her hand, and Boom!She had the tickets in her hand.Next, it was the husband‘s turn.He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom!He was ninety.慎重许愿
一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。
庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。
妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。
接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。”
仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯!”，他变成了90岁。
Wood Fire
One woman lectured her best friend on the nature of the male animal.“Husbands are like wood fires;they go out if left unattened.”
“Does that mean,” asked the other, “that they make ashes of themselves?”
森林之火
一名妇女向她最好的朋友大谈雄性动物的特性：“丈夫们就像是森林里的火，一不注意，他们就会燃烧起来。”
“那是不是意味着，”另一个问道，“他们将自己烧成灰烬?”
Best Reward
A naval officer fell overboard.He was rescued by a deck hand.The officer asked how he could reward him.“The best way, sir,” said the deck hand, “is to say nothing about it.If the other fellows knew I‘d pulled you out, they‘d chuck me in.”
最好的奖赏
一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何才能酬谢他。
“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”
Napoleon Was Ill
Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university.However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.“He‘s a good boy,” said Jack‘s father, “and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.”
“No, no, that‘s quite impossible,” replied the professor immediately.“Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!”
“Please, sir, give him another chance,” said Jack‘s father.“You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill.”
拿破仑病了
杰克到一所大学去学历史。第一学期结束时，历史课教授没让他及格。学校让他退学。然而，杰克的父亲决定去见教授，强烈要求让杰克继续来年的学业。
“他是个好孩子，”杰克的父亲说：“您要是让他这次及格，我相信他明年会有很大进步，学期结束时，他一定会考好的。”
“不，不，那不可能，”教授马上回答。“你知道吗?上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的，他都不知道。”
“先生，请再给他一次机会吧。”杰克的父亲说：“你不知道，恐怕是因为我们家没有订报纸。我们家的人连拿破仑病了都不知道。”
He Was Only Wrong by Two
Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enought to be accepted by the college.One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.“Well,” the dean said after some persuasion, “I‘d better ask him a few questions first.”
Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.At last the dean said, “Well, what‘s five times seven?”
The student thought for a long time and then answered, “Thirty-six.”
The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, “Oh, please let him in, sir!He was only wrong by two.”
他的得数只比正确答案多二
杰克霍金斯是美国一所学院的橄榄球队教练，他竭力想物色好球员。但是好球员学业不行，院方不愿录取。
有一天，教练带着一位优秀的年轻球员去见院长，希望院方同意他免试入学。经过一番劝说后院长说：“那我最好先问问他几个问题。”
然后他转向学生，问了几个非常简单的问题。可是那个学生一个也答不上来。
最后院长说：“那么，五乘七得多少?”
学生想了很久，然后回答说：“三十六。”
院长摊开双手失望地看了看教练。可是教练认真地说，“噢，录取他吧，先生。他的答案只比正确答案多二。”
Real Play
When I taught the introduction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I required my students to attend the university theater‘s current production and write a critique.After viewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: “The play was so real, I thought I was actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television.”
逼真的戏剧
我在北达科他州立大学教戏剧入门课时，要求学生们去看学校剧团当时的演出，并写一篇评论。看了一场极为精彩的演出后，一名学生写道：“这部戏剧是如此逼真，以致于我认为我自己是坐在家里的沙发上，从电视上看到的。”
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, “Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
势均力敌
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”
这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。
令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!
Gardening Gloves
For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring, since I had developed an allergy to gold.On my birthday, while I was gardening, my husband asked me for gift suggestions.I held my hands up and said, “Well, you‘ll notice that my hands are bare.”
Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm.“Happy birthday,” he said, as I unwrapped a new pair of gardening gloves.园艺手套
几个月以来，我一直在向丈夫暗示我需要一枚新的结婚戒指，因为我对黄金有点过敏。生日那天，我正在干园艺活时，丈夫问我想要什么礼物。我举起双手说：“嗯，你肯定看到了，我的两手都是光光的。”
那天晚上，我满怀热情地拆开了丈夫送的礼物。“生日快乐!”他说。我打开一看：里面包着一双园艺手套。
Warning
Several weeks after our son began his freshman year at Alma College in Michigan, my husband and I decided to visit him.I was careful to call him a few days in advance to “warn” him that we would be coming.When we arrived at the dorm, however, I was taken aback by the disarray of his room.“Forgot we were coming, didn‘t you?” I teased.“Are you kidding?” he replied, “Why else would I have bothered to clean?”
提醒
我们的儿子是密歇根州阿尔马大学的新生，开学几个星期之后，我和丈夫决定去看看他。我特意提前给他打电话，“提醒”他我们将光临。但是当我们来到宿舍时，他的房间凌乱不堪，我非常吃惊。“忘了我们要来，是吧?”我取笑他。
“开什么玩笑?“，他回答说，“要不我凭什么费神打扫?”
Ground Rules
One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor.Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, “Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don‘t mind if you look at your watches during class.I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they‘re still running.”
基本原则
位于吉拉多海角的密苏里东南州立大学有一位我非常喜欢的老师，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在对一个新生班级讲解他的基本原则时，他说：“我知道我的讲课可能经常会枯燥乏味，了无生趣，所以如果你们在上课时看表我并不介意。不过我坚决反对你们将表在课桌上猛敲看它们是不是还在走。” 推荐阅读：
简单英语小笑话带翻译
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第三篇：英语幽默小故事
A: We have got a new dog.Would you like to come around and play with him? B: Well, I don't know---does he bite?
A: That's what I want to find out.The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被宠坏的）.His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him.He hardly left her side.And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（乱发脾气）.Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along(相处)all right? did you cry? Cry? John asked.No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？ 哭？约翰问，不，我没哭，可老师哭了。
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, “What happened?” “A kid bit me,” replied Ivan.“Would you recognize him if you saw him again?” asked his mother.“I'd know him any where,” said Ivan.“I have his ear in my pocket.”
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
come homego homeget home
当 home 前面 有所有格形式 时是名词可用 come to比如 come to one„s home
另外这三个都表示“回家”。方向是一回事，我想最重要的是说话者的方位。
如“When will you come home?”说明说者在家，或是他的家人；而“When will you go home?" 一般情况下，说者不在家中。
至于get home，强调的是已经到家，get有确定到达的意思。
第四篇：英语幽默小故事
英语幽默小故事
The Bear and the Two Travelers
TWO man were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on their path.One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches.The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could.The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body.When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear.“He gave me this advice,” his companion replied.“Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger.”
An ant went to the bank of a river to quench its thirst, and being carried away by the rush of the stream, was on the point of drowning.A Dove sitting on a tree overhanging the water plucked a leaf and let it fall into the stream close to her.The Ant climbed onto it and floated in safety to the bank.Shortly afterwards a bird catcher came and stood under the tree, and laid his lime-twigs for the Dove, which sat in the branches.The Ant, perceiving his design, stung him in the foot.In pain the bird catcher threw down the twigs, and the noise made the Dove take wing.One good turn deserves another
Love Your Life
热爱生活
Henry David Thoreau/享利.大卫.梭罗
However mean your life is,meet it and live it;do not shun it and call it hard names.It is not so bad as you are.It looks poorest when you are richest.The fault-finder will find faults in paradise.Love your life,poor as it is.You may perhaps have some pleasant,thrilling,glorious hourss,even in a poor-house.The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the alms-house as brightly as
from the rich man’s abode;the snow melts before its door as early in the spring.I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there,and have as cheering thoughts,as in a palace.The town’s poor seem to me often to live the most in dependent lives of any.May be they are simply great enough to receive without misgiving.Most think that they are above being supported by the town;
but it of ten happens that they are not above supporting themselves by dishonest means.which should be more disreputable.Cultivate poverty like a garden herb,like sage.Do not trouble yourself much to get new things,whether clothes or friends,Turn the old,return to them.Things do not change;we change.Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.不论你的生活如何卑贱，你要面对它生活，不要躲避它，更别用恶言咒骂它。它不像你那样坏。你最富有的时候，倒是看似最穷。爱找缺点的人就是到天堂里也能找到缺点。你要爱你的生活，尽管它贫穷。甚至在一个济贫院里，你也还有愉快、高兴、光荣的时候。夕阳反射在济贫院的窗上，像身在富户人家窗上一样光亮；在那门前，积雪同在早春融化。
我只看到，一个从容的人，在哪里也像在皇宫中一样，生活得心满意足而富有愉快的思想。城镇中的穷人，我看，倒往往是过着最独立不羁的生活。也许因为他们很伟大，所以受之无愧。大多数人以为他们是超然的，不靠城镇来支援他们；可是事实上他们是往往利用了不正当的手段来对付生活，他们是毫不超脱的，毋宁是不体面的。视贫穷如园中之花而像圣人一样耕植它吧！不要找新的花样，无论是新的朋友或新的衣服，来麻烦你自己。找旧的，回到那里去。万物不变，是我们在变。你的衣服可以卖掉，但要保留你的思想。
Ladies and Gentlemen, Good morning!I’m very glad to stand here and give you a short speech.Man’s life is a process of growing up, actually I’m standing here is a growth.If a person’s life must constituted by various choices, then I grow up along with these choices.Once I hope I can study in a college in future, however that’s passed, as you know I come here, now I wonder what the future holds for me.When I come to this school, I told to myself: this my near future, all starts here.Following I will learn to become a man, a integrated man, who has a fine body, can take on important task, has independent thought, an open mind, intensive thought, has the ability to judge right and wrong, has a perfect job.
Once my teacher said :” you are not sewing, you are stylist;never forget which you should lay out to people is your thought, not craft.” I will put my personality with my interest and ability into my study, during these process I will combine learning with doing.If I can achieve this “future”, I think that I really grow up.And I deeply believe kindred, good-fellowship and love will perfection and happy in the future.
How to say future? Maybe it’s a nice wish.Lets make up our minds, stick to it
and surely well enjoy our life.中文大意：）~
女士们，先生们，上午好。我很高兴在这里为大家作一个简短的讲话。
人的一生是一个成长的过程，事实上，我现在站在这里也是一次成长。如果一个人的一生必须面临不同的选择，那么我就是伴随着这些选择成长起来的。曾经我盼望将来能上大学，然而那已经过去了，现在我在这儿，只想知道我的未来会是什么样的。
当我来到这所学校，我告诉我自己：我不久的将来都从这里开始。接着我要学习如何做人，如何做一个正直的人，并且拥有一个健康的体魄，能承担重要的任务，能独立思考，思想开放，心思缜密，有判断是非的能力，有一份不错的工作。
我的老师曾经告诉我说：“你不是在修补而是在创造；永远不要忘记你向人们所展示的是你的思想，而不是你的手艺。”我会将我的性格，兴趣爱好和能力一起融入到学习中去。在这过程中，我边学习边实践。如果我能实现这个“未来”，我就认为我真的成长了。并且我深信我的亲人，好朋友以及爱会使我的未来更完美，更幸福。
如何来解释未来呢? 也许那只是一个美好的愿望。让我们下定决心，坚持到底，那我们的人生一定能过得很精彩。
世界节日（1）Spring Festival（春节）
作者：节日转贴自：本站原创点击数：578文章录入： 湖北华审
The New Moon on the first day of the new year--the full moon 15 days later
Chinese New Year starts with the New Moon（新月）on the first day of the new year and ends on the full moon（满月）15 days later.The 15th day of the new year is called the Lantern Festival（元宵节）, which is celebrated at night with lantern displays and children carrying lanterns in a parade.The Chinese calendar is based on a combination of lunar and solar movements.The lunar cycle（月运周期）is about 29.5 days.In order to “catch up” with the solar calendar the Chinese insert an extra month once every few years(seven years out of a 19-yearcycle).This is the same as adding an extra day on leap year（闰年）.This is why, according to the solar calendar, the Chinese New Year falls on a different date each year.New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are celebrated as a family affair, a time of reunion and thanksgiving.The celebration was traditionally highlighted with a religious ceremony given in honor of Heaven and Earth（万物）, the gods of the household and the family ancestors.The sacrifice to the ancestors, the most vital of all the rituals（仪式）, united the living members with those who had passed away.Departed relatives are remembered with great respect because they were responsible for laying the foundations for the fortune and glory of the family.The presence of the ancestors is acknowledged on New Year's Eve with a dinner arranged for them at the family banquet table.The spirits of the ancestors,together with the living, celebrate the onset of the New Year as one great community.The communal feast called “surrounding the stove” or weilu.It symbolizes family unity and honors the past and present generations.The Origin of Chinese New Year
The Chinese New Year is now popularly known as the Spring Festival because it starts from the Begining of Spring(the first of the twenty-four terms in coodination with the changes of Nature).Its origin is too old to be traced.Several explanations are hanging around.All agree, however, that the word Nian, which in modern Chinese solely means “year”, was originally the name of a monster beast that started to prey on people the night before the beginning of a new year.One legend goes that the beast Nian had a very big mouth that would swallow a great many people with one bite.People were very scared.One day, an old man came to their rescue, offering to subdue Nian.To Nian he said, “I hear say that you are very capable, but can you swallow the other beasts of prey on earth instead of people who are by no means of your worthy opponents?” So, it did swallow many of the beasts of prey on earth that also harrassed people and their domestic animals from time to time.After that, the old man disappeared riding the beast Nian.He turned out to be an immortal god.Now that Nian is gone and other beasts of prey are also scared into forests, people begin to enjoy their peaceful life.Before the old man left, he had told people to put up red paper decorations on their windows and doors at each year's end to scare away Nian in case it sneaked back again, because red is the color the beast feared the most.From then on, the tradition of observing the conquest of Nian is carried on from generation to generation.The term “Guo Nian”, which may mean “Survive the Nian” becomes today “Celebrate the(New)Year” as the word “guo” in Chinese having both the meaning of “pass-over” and “observe”.The custom of putting up red paper and firing fire-crackers to scare away Nian should it have a chance to run loose is still around.However, people today have long forgotten why they are doing all this, except that they feel the color and the sound add to the excitement of the celebration.Traditional New Year Foods
Probably more food is consumed during the New Year celebrations than any other time of the year.Vast amounts of traditional food is prepared for family and friends, as well as those close to us who have died.On New Year's Day, the Chinese family will eat a vegetarian dish called jai.Although the various ingredients in jai are root vegetables or fibrous vegetables, many people attribute various superstitious aspects to them.Other foods include a whole fish, to represent togetherness and abundance, and a chicken for prosperity.The chicken must be presented with a head, tail and feet to symbolize completeness.Noodles should be uncut, as they represent long life.In south China, the favorite and most typical dishes were nian gao, sweet
steamed glutinous rice（糯米）pudding and zong zi(glutinous rice wrapped up in reed（芦苇）leaves), another popular delicacy.In the north, steamed-wheat bread(man tou)and small meat dumplings were the preferred food.The tremendous amount of food prepared at this time was meant to symbolize abundance and wealth for the household.The 15-Day Celebration of Chinese New Year
The first day of the Lunar New Year is “the welcoming of the gods of the heavens and earth.”Many people abstain from meat on the first day of the new year because it is believed that this will ensure long and happy lives for them.On the second day, the Chinese pray to their ancestors as well as to all the gods.They are extra kind to dogs and feed them well as it is believed that the second day is the birthday of all dogs.The third and fourth days are for the sons-in-laws to pay respect to their parents-in-law.The fifth day is called Po Woo.On that day people stay home to welcome the God of Wealth.No one visits families and friends on the fifth day because it will bring both parties bad luck.On the sixth to the 10th day, the Chinese visit their relatives and friends freely.They also visit the temples to pray for good fortune and health.The seventh day of the New Year is the day for farmers to display their produce.These farmers make a drink from seven types of vegetables to celebrate the occasion.The seventh day is also considered the birthday of human beings.Noodles are eaten to promote longevity and raw fish for success.On the eighth day the Fujian people have another family reunion dinner, and at midnight they pray to Tian Gong, the God of Heaven.The ninth day is to make offerings to the Jade Emperor.The 10th through the 12th are days that friends and relatives should be invited for dinner.After so much rich food, on the 13th day you should have simple rice congee and mustard greens(choi sum)to cleanse the system.The 14th day should be for preparations to celebrate the Lantern Festival which is to be held on the 15th night.Auspicious words:
Treasures fill the homeBusiness flourishesPeace all year roundWishing you prosperity
Harmony brings wealth May all your wishes come trueEverything goes wellThe country flourishes and people live in peace
Money and treasures will be plentifulWishing you every successPromoting to a higher positionSafe trip wherever you go
第五篇：英语幽默小故事
英语幽默小故事
Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg"? Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？
老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？ 学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？ 学生：在蛋糕里，先生 Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。
父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗？
儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？
I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”
“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”
“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”
Ten Candies
Mother asks her son, “Jim, if you have ten candies, and you eat four, then how many candles do you have?”
“Ten.” Jim says.“Then,” Mother asks.“Yes, Mum.Four candles are in my stomach and six candies are out of my stomach.Four and six is ten, isn’t it right?”
十块糖
妈妈问儿子：“吉姆，如果你有10块糖，吃了4块，那你还有几块糖？”
“10块。”吉姆说。
“10块？”妈妈问。
“是的，妈妈。因为4块在我的肚子里面，6块在肚子外面，4加6等于10，不对吗？”
It’s Good to Admit a Fault John is not a “good” student.He always sleeps in the class.Today he sleeps again.“John!” Teacher says angrily.“What? What’s wrong?” John is awaken.“Why do you make a face? It’s classroom.Look!Everyone is laughing.” Teacher says.“No one is laughing.” Teacher says.“No, it’s not me.I was not making a face.I was sleeping.” John fells upset.“Um.Not bad.You can admit your fault.You are still a good boy.” Teacher is satisfied with it.认错
约翰并不是个“好”学生。他总是在上课的时候睡觉。今天他又睡着了。
“约翰！”老师生气地喊他。
“什么？出什么事了？”约翰醒了。
“你为什么要做鬼脸？这是教室！看看！同学们都在笑！”老师生气地说。“没有人在笑呀。”其他同学笑声地嘀咕。
“不，不是我。我没有做鬼脸。刚才我睡着了。”约翰感到不安。
“嗯，还不错。你承认自己的错误，还是给好孩子”老师为此感到满意。
Adding Feet to a Snake
One day, Mr.Lion holds a party.Many animals come and drink a lot of wine.At last there is a pot of wine.Who can drink it? They drink out an idea and decide to have a match-Draw a snake.If you finish first, you can get it.Soon Mr.Wolf finishes drawing.“Yeah, I’ve finished.I’m No.1,” he says.But he draws again and says, “Oh, let me add feet and my snake.” At the time, Mr.Gorilla also finishes.He takes away the pot of wine and drinks, then he says, “That isn’t a snake.Snakes have no feet.I get the wine.”
画蛇添足
一天，狮子先生举行一场聚会，许多动物都来了，他们喝很多酒。最后只剩一壶酒了。让谁喝呢？它们想了想，有个主意。它们比赛画蛇，谁最快画好，谁就喝这壶酒。
不一会，狼先生画好了。“哈，我画好了，我是第一个。”它说。可是它又画了起来，它还说：“再给它加几只脚吧。”这是猩猩先生也画好了。它拿起那酒壶喝起来。一边喝一边说：“那不是蛇，蛇是没有脚的，我赢了这壶酒。”
Covering One’s Ears While Stealing a Bell
Mr.Wang thinks he is clever, but he always does foolish things.One day he sees a beautiful bell at the top of a door.“Oh!How nice!I will take it home.” He thinks, “What can I do?” After a while he has a “good” idea.“Aha!I have an idea now.I can plug my ears.Then I will not hear the ring when I take off the bell.”
Then he does so.But as soon as he takes off the bell, the owner opens the door.“What ate you doing?” the owner says angrily.掩耳盗铃
王先生总以为自己很聪明，实际上他总干傻事。
一天，他看见一户人家的门头有个很漂亮的铃铛。“啊，真漂亮啊！我要把它拿回家去。”他自言自语道：“我该怎么做呢？”过了一会儿他想到了一个“好”主意。“啊哈！我有办法了！我把耳朵堵上，拿铃铛的时候就听不见铃声了。”
于是他就这样做了。可是他刚拿下铃铛，屋子的主人就打开门，怒气冲冲地说：“你在干什么？”
Look at the Sky from the Bottom of a Well
There is a frog.He lives in a well and he never goes out of the well.He thinks the sky is as big as the mouth of the well.One day a crow comes to the well.He sees the frog and says, “Frog, let’s have a talk.” Then the frog asks, “Where are you from?” “I fly from the sky,” the crow says.The frog feels surprised and says, “The sky is only as big as the mouth of the well.How do you fly from the sky?”
The crow says, “The sky is very big.You always stay in the well, so you don’t know the world is big.”
The frog says, “I don’t believe.” But the crow says, “You can come out and have a look by yourself.”
So the frog comes out from the well.He is very surprised.How big the world is!
坐井观天
有一只青蛙住在井底，他从来没有去过井外面。他以为天空就和井口一样大。一天，一只乌鸦飞到井边，看见青蛙，就对它说：“青蛙，咱们聊聊吧。”青蛙就问他：“你从哪里来？”“我从天上上来。青蛙惊讶了，就说：“天空就只有这井口这么大，你怎么会从天上飞老呢？”
乌鸦说：“天空很大。只不过你一直呆在井里，所有不知道世界很大。”青蛙说：“我不相信。”乌鸦说：“你可以出来，自己看看嘛。” 于是青蛙来到井外。他十分惊讶，原来世界这么大！
The Clever King Solomon
Long, long ago, there was a king.Solomon was his name.He was very clever.In his country, there were two women.They lived in the same house and each had a child.One night, one of the babies died.The dead baby’s mother took the other woman’s baby, and put it in her own bed.The next morning , they had a quarrel.“No, this is my baby!” The dead is yours!”
Each one wanted the living baby.So they went to see King Solomon.“Bring me a knife, cut the child into two and five each woman one half.” said the King.“Oh.Your Majesty!Give her my baby.Please don’t kill my baby!”
Then King Solomon pointed to the woman in teas and said, “Give the baby to her.She is the mother.”
聪明的国王所罗门
很久很久之前，有一位国王，他的名字叫所罗门，他非常聪明。
在他的国家里，有两位妇女，她们住在同一间房子里。各有一个婴儿。
一天夜里，其中一个婴儿死了。他的妈妈抱另一位妇女的小孩，把他放在自己的床上。
第二天早上，他们发生了争吵。
“不，这是我的孩子！这个死的是你的！”
他们都想要这个活着的孩子，于是她们去见所罗门国王。
“给我拿把刀来，把这个孩子切成两半，没人一半。”国王判决道。
“哦，陛下，把我的孩子给她吧。请不要杀了我的孩子！”一位母亲哭喊道。于是所罗门指着流泪的妇女说：“把孩子给她，她是真正的母亲。”
Two Holes for the Dogs
My uncle has two dogs.One is big and the other is small.He likes them very much.One day, Mr.Smith came to visit him.When the friend saw two holes in the door, a large hole and a small hole, he was surprised and said, “My dear friend, why are there two holes in your door?” “Let my dogs come in and come out, of course,” Mr.Smith asked.“But why are there two holes? One is enough!” “But how can the big dog go through the small hole?” my uncle said.Sometimes a clever man may make such mistakes.两个狗洞
我的叔叔有两条狗。一只是大的，另一只是小狗的。他很喜欢它们。
有一天，史密斯先生来看他。当这个朋友看见门口上有连个洞，一个是大洞和一个小洞时，他感到吃惊并说，“我亲爱的朋友，为什么你的门上有连个洞？”我的叔叔回答说：“当然是让我的两条狗进出了。” 史密斯先生问到：“ 为什么门上要两个洞呢？一个就足够了。” 我叔叔说：“大狗怎能走小洞呢？” 有时聪明的人可能会犯这样的错误。
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