Joe Wong在美国记者年会的演讲

第一篇：Joe Wong在美国记者年会的演讲

My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。

I grew up in China.Who didn’t?

我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。

Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。

My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是很一个矛盾。

We always wanted my son to become the president.We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in

Chinese!”

此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”

我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。

Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”

这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。

We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.I once wrote for the campus newspaper.Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”

马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。

This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!

PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event.I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform.Take that Stephen Colbert!Obama has been accused of being too soft.But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it.You can’t get more bad-ass than that!The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!We won the World Series every year!

讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.I have to explain a little here.I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too? I understand that Americans are suffering.My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:”Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。

I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美国的经典，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。

On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are making nuclear weapons!But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。

第二篇：黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释

My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。

I grew up in China.Who didn’t?

我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。

Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。

My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn’t do it right.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。

I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是很一个矛盾。

And like many other immigrants, We always wanted my son to become the president of this country.We try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English outside in public.Which is really a tough to do because many times.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you

don’t speak English, go home??” He said to me, “hi, dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president of United States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a citizen, I had to take those American history lessons where they ask questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the United Sates?”

我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。

Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”

这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。

We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。

So, I , to be honest to be here tonight.And I have prepared for months.Eh, for tonight show and I showed the White House, my joke about president Obama.And that is way he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert.And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it.You can’t be badass than that.Well, actually, I am thinking the only way you can more badass than that is it you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.讽刺奥巴马的诺贝尔和平奖奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.Because I used to wrote for the campus newspaper.I think Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you say it, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”

马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。

My point exactly, today is my first time on C-SPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and 3!

PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!Because we won the World Series every year!

讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “guess we can” That was their slogan.当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。

After getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have to take step back and explain a little bit.You know because I had always been morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。

You maybe saying what would be your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too, ok so I understand that American people are suffering.So My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex marriage not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:” Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the president and the vice president, the Olson twins.不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one, but you won’t be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。

I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美国的经典，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。

On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;and open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building nuclear weapons!But you are doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for having me here tonight!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。

第三篇：黄西-美国记者年会演讲稿

Good evening, everyone.My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?”“Hu” is actually my mother's maiden name,and the answer to my credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”?Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。

But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。（这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）

I grew up in China.Who wouldn't?

我在中国长大。谁不是呢？（这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）

As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to worked at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound,which is almost as slow as a flying rock.而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。读小学的时候，作为课程的一部分，我要去稻田里劳动，稻田的旁边是一个采石场，他们用炸药炸石头。也就是在那里，我知道了光的传播速度要比声音快，而声音的速度就和石头飞的速度差不多慢。

My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn't do it right.When I was seven, one day he said to me, “Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?”So, five minutes later, I said, “Why?”He said, “Because I said so!”

我爸爸是个脾气很怪的人，但偶尔他也想用笑话来逗我玩儿。可是他又做不好。我七岁的时候，有一天他问我，“嘿，儿子，你说为什么豆腐比社会主义计划经济要好？”（风马牛不相及）我想了五分钟，然后问他“为什么呢？”，他说“因为我说好就是好！”（笑点在于：豆腐，计划经济以及极端的父权。豆腐和经济放在一起本来就没有可比性，就好像这种“我说了算”的父权也根本不可理喻，让人又好气又好笑）

I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas.That wasn't a joke,until now.我24岁的时候来到美国，在Texas的Rice University求学。这不是个笑话，不过现在是了。

And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don't speak English, go home!”And I didn't notice it for two years.我当时开了辆二手车，保险杠上贴了好多贴纸（就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种），贴的很牢，就根本不可能撕下来。其中一张写着“如果你不说英文，就滚回家去”。（，这句话有歧视外来移民的意味）而我两年后才看到它。

And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country.And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public.Which is really a tough to do, because many timesI had to say to him in public, “Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!”

和很多其他的移民一样，我们都希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。于是我们努力让他们说两种语言，在家说中文，在外说英文。但操作起来其实挺困难，很多时候我不得不在公共场合对他说：“嘿，听着，如果你不说英文，就滚回家去。”（这里说明了该句子是一种教训儿子的口气）

And he was said to me, “Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

然后他问我：“爸爸，为什么我要学两个语言呢？”我就跟他说：“儿子，一旦有一天你成了美国总统，你就必须要用英文来签署法案，还要用中文跟讨债的对话。”（中国当前是美国的最大债主。）

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.从Rice毕业后，我决定留在美国。因为回中国的话，我有一件事情完全没有办法做的比这里更好，那就是我散发出的异域风情。

And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?”

我为了成为一名美国公民，必须要上美国历史课，会被问到诸如“谁是本杰明 富兰克林？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（百元美钞上印着 本杰明 富兰克林的头像。）

What's the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?”

“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）

What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, “Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?”

“Roe vs.Wade是什么？”“呃！两种来美国的途径？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院关于堕

胎的经典案例。他在这里则是说那些偷渡到美国的人，要不就是通过row a boat（划船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河对岸（wade是跋涉的意思））

Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.后来我读了很多的美国历史，以至于我都开始充满了白人罪恶感。（white guilt是指白人因为奴役黑人的历史而产生的负罪感。）

And in America, they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.在美国，大家都说人人生而平等。但是出生后，或多或少要取决于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和医疗保障。

I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.我在男人健康杂志里看到，奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼，四次举重锻炼。你们看，我根本不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。（这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识）

I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed messages!I think there was a movie about him.It's called “Kill Bill”

我现在住在麻省，我们有全面的医疗保险。然后我们选了Scott Brown当州长。哦，有歧义。我想有一部电影是关于他的，那就是《杀死比尔》（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有议案的意思，这里讽刺这名州长极力反对Obama的医保改革方案。）

I'm honored to eh..meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight.em, I actually read autobiography of you, and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.我很荣幸今晚能见到副总统Joe Biden。事实上，我曾经读过你的自传。今天见到你了，我觉得书（比本人）要好的多（然后镜头就给了副总统，副总统笑的哈开心），他们应该请布拉德·皮特来演，或者是安吉丽娜·茱莉。

So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert!

坦率的说，我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里。为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了。我还把关于奥巴马总统的笑话给白宫看，于是奥巴马总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了。他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert, 给他记上。（Steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人，总统总是拿他没办法）

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two

wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize.and he accepted it.You can't be more badass than that.Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。而他也竟然接受了。怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情。嗯，其实，我想，唯一可能比这个更操蛋的，就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金，然后把它们送给军队。

We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers.Because I used to write for the campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you see just like, “I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer).”My point exactly.我们这里坐着很多杰出的新闻记者，我把你们看作是我的同行（也有贵族的意思）。因为我曾经也给学校的报纸写过文章。我觉得新闻业是双关语最后的阵地了。因为只有在报纸上你才能看到类似于“我是属马的，所以你知道为什么我总是像马一样叫（唱反调）。”（美国人形容马叫的象声词是neigh，发音和nay一样，nay-sayer是总要唱反调的人）我表达的很准确。

And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN,there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3.Thank you very much!

今晚是我第一次出现在C-span频道，通常当我无法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹与煽动时我就会看这个频道（PBS的节目以主观著称，QVC则是购物频道）。如果我看了C-span还是睡不着，那还有C-span 2套和3套（C-span频道是国会辩论转播频道）。非常感谢！

So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about.oh, Thank you very much!eh.America is number one!That's true!cause we won the World Series every year!

2008年，我正式成为了美国公民，为此我感到很高兴。谢谢。美国是最牛的。这是真的，因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛（只有美国、加拿大的球队参加。）

After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.You are welcome.You had me at “Guess we can”.That was their slogan.成为美国公民之后，我立刻就登记了大选，并投给了奥巴马和拜登。（他回头看着拜登，对拜登说）不用谢。你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我。这是他们的口号。（此处故意将“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）

So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip.and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.所以，当奥巴马成为总统的时候，我感觉到了一股力量，我自己在想，我是不是也应该去竞选总统！

Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit.Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.好吧，我多解释一下。我其实一直是一个忧郁并且悲观的人。我觉得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能确实做得不一样，但你真的很难说出来。

But now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.但是现在我们有了一位半黑半白的总统。这给了我很大的希望。因为我一半不黑一半也不白。双重否定更加肯定。（，Obama母亲是白人，父亲是黑人移民）

You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.Oh, you too? ok.So, I understand that American people are suffering.So, my campaign slogan will be, “Who cares?”(Hu Cares)

你或许会问：“嘿，那你的竞选口号是什么？”你看，过去的90年代里我度过了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美国人所经历的痛苦。所以，我的竞选口号将会是“Hu Cares”（此处又是Who-Hu的谐音，Hu Cares：“胡关心你”Who Cares：“谁在乎你”。）

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required!

如果我当选，我不但会让同性恋结婚合法，还会让它必须。

That will give me the youth vote.You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like, “Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

这会帮助我赢得年轻人的选票。你看我已经结婚了。但我过去对婚姻是非常恐惧的。我想：“哇，50％的婚姻结局是大家要在一起一辈子。”

And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce.So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president,or the Olson twins.我也会通过降低美国工人的生产率来消灭这个国家的失业。所以必须让两个人做一个人能做的事，就好像总统与副总统，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她们是双胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起设计服装）。

And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes.So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one.But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know.because of pre-existing conditions.除去心脏病和癌症的因素，大多数美国人是自然死亡的。所以如果我当选，我会找出一种治

愈自然死亡的疗法。你们看上去很喜欢这个。但是你们将不可能享受医疗保险，因为先前条款。

And I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius.It was 100 degrees, now it's 40!You are very welcome!

我还有解决全球变暖的特效措施。如果我当选了，我就把华氏改成摄氏。这样以前的100度就会瞬间变成40度。

And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.我也很擅长外交政策，因为我来自中国。我从我家后院就看得到俄罗斯！（这里也隐指Sarah Palin曾经说的“我从我家门廊就看得到俄罗斯”）。

I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow.So if elected, I will go with text messaging.I'll text our allies just to say “hi”,and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building a nuclear weapon?but you're doing it wrong, LOL!”

我认为，单边主义代价太高，公开对话又效率太低。如果我当选，我会选择“发短信”。我会发给我的盟友，仅仅打着招呼。我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信。“天呐！听说你在造核武器？但是你们的做法是不对的！哈哈哈哈。OMG和LOL都是短信流行用语, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。

I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents ** for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.Thank you so much and have a very good night.Thank ** guy.

第四篇：奥巴马2012白宫记者年会演讲

奥巴马2012白宫记者年会演讲：精彩吐槽脱口秀

2012年05月03日 09:53 来源：沪江英语网

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大选年，奥巴马为了赢得选举自然不肯放过任何一个推销自己的机会。在这次的白宫记者协会招待晚宴的演说中，奥巴马犀利吐槽、大度自嘲，用幽默给自己加分不少。

Host：Could someone back there please turn off the President's mic? I think the President's mic is hot, please turn it off.Thank you.Thank you.后台哪位帮忙把总统的麦克风关一下？我觉得总统的麦克风没有关，请帮忙关一下，谢谢，谢谢。

（首尔核峰会上奥巴马与梅德韦杰夫的私聊由于没关麦克风被曝光，之前的G20戛纳峰会中同样因为没关麦克风而曝光了他与萨科齐的私聊，两次事件都在国内掀起轩然大波。）

Obama：Great.I gotta get warmed up.I...I'm so in love...God!I totally had that.Seriously guys, what am I doing here? 太棒了，我来个热身。我„„我太爱你„„（一月份演讲时他唱过Al Green这首歌）天哪！我真是擅长唱歌！说正经的各位，我来这是干什么的？

I'm the President of the United States, and I'm openning for Jimmy Kimmel? I have the nuclear codes, why am I telling “knock knock” jokes to Kim Kardashian? Why is she famous anyway? 我可是美国总统啊，我竟然为吉米·凯莫（ABC电视台深夜脱口秀主持人）热场？我是手握核武器的统领（美国总统有一只广为流传的“核按钮手提箱”，里面存放着启动美国核武器的密码），干嘛要来这给卡戴珊讲“敲门”笑话？她到底为啥出名呢？

（卡戴珊最著名的标签是“帕丽斯·希尔顿的好友”，她是罗伯特·卡戴珊的女儿，奥多姆的大姨子。卡戴珊因性爱视频而出名。）

That's it.Next year we send Biden.Now you're right.It's way too risky.我受够了。明年让拜登替我来好了。你说得对，这么干太危险。（拜登可是口误帝）

Wow, look at my hair.It really went gray.Do you think anybody would notice if I just went a little darker? Right now like a five on the “Just For Men” scale.I think I would go to 6 and nobody would notice.哇，看我的头发。一片灰白啊！你说我要是染黑一点会有人发现不？按照“Just For Men”（著名染发产品）的标准，我如今只剩5分黑了。我觉得我要是染成6分黑也应该不会有人注意吧。

Is the teleprompterworking? Are you kidding? What do you expect me to do out there? I literally have no idea what I'm saying tonight.提词器准备好没？（自嘲演讲全靠提词器）开什么玩笑？那我一会上场怎么说话啊？我根本不知道今晚要说点什么。

Man!I could really use a cigarette right now.唉，现在真想抽根烟！（自嘲以前是烟鬼）

Okay, okay, I'm going.God forbid we keep Chuck Todd and the cast of Glee waiting.好了好了，这就上场。谁敢让查克·陶德（美国国家广播公司政治中心主管）和Glee剧组久等啊！

Host：Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the President of the United States.女士们先生们，掌声有请美国总统！

Obama：Thank you!Good evening everybody.Good evening!I could not be more thrilled to be here tonight at the White House Correspondents'Dinner.That is great crowd.They're already laughing.It's terrific.谢谢！晚上好各位，晚上好！今天我怀着无比激动的心情来出席白宫记者晚宴。这观众太好了，还没开始就笑成这样，太好了！

Chuck Todd--love you, brother.I’m delighted to see some of the cast members of Glee are here.And Jimmy Kimmel, it’s an honor, man.What’s so funny? 查克·陶德，哥们我爱你哦！我很高兴见到Glee剧组也到场了。还有吉米·凯莫，真是荣幸啊!有啥好笑的？ My fellow Americans, we gather during a historic anniversary.Last year at this time--in fact, on this very weekend--we finally delivered justice to one of the world’s most notoriousindividuals.亲爱的美国同胞们，我们欢聚在这具有历史意义的周年纪念日。去年的这个时候，实际上正是在同一个周末，我们终于将世界上最臭名昭著的恶人正法。（“大恶人”Trump中枪，去年晚宴被猛烈吐槽）

Now, this year, we gather in the midst of a heated election season.And Axelrod tells me I should never miss a chance to re introduce myself to the American people.So tonight, this is how I’d like to begin: My name is Barack Obama.My mother was born in Kansas.My father was born in Kenya.And I was born, of course, in Hawaii.今年，在白热化的大选季我们再次聚首，Axelrod（奥巴马的顾问）说我不应该错过任何重新向美国人民介绍自己的机会。所以今晚我打算就这样开场：我名叫贝拉克·奥巴马，我母亲出生在堪萨斯，我父亲出生在肯尼亚，而我出生在：当然是夏威夷。（自嘲出生证明事件）

In 2009, I took office in the face of some enormouschallenges.Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let’s not forget that’s a practice that was initiated by George W.Bush.Since then, Congress and I have certainly had our differences;yet, I’ve tried to be civil, to not take any cheap shots.And that’s why I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight.Let’s give them a big round of applause.2009年我就任总统时面临众多艰巨挑战。现在许多人说我把太多问题归咎于前任身上，但大家别忘了，这样的做法是小布什首创的。（这句本身就是推给 前任）从那时起，国会跟我就矛盾不断，但我尽量保持风度，从不阴损吐槽。所以我今天要特别感谢那些从无所事事的百忙之中抽空到场的国会议员。（这就是 cheap shot阴损吐槽啊）大家把热烈的掌声献给他们吧。

Despite many obstacles, much has changed during my time in office.Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton.Four years later, she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.尽管险阻重重，但自我上任以来，许多事都有所改变，四年前，我跟希拉里在初选中斗得你死我活；四年后，她一喝多就从Cartagena给我发短信（希拉里最近走红的短信照和喝酒照，Cartagena也是特工嫖妓门的发生地）。

Four years ago, I was a Washington outsider.Four years later, I’m at this dinner.Four years ago, I looked like this.Today, I look like this.And four years from now, I will look like this.That’s not even funny.四年前，我是首都政界圈外人；四年后，我出现在白宫晚宴上。四年前，我长这样；四年后，我长这样；再过四年，我就会长成这样了（摩根·弗里曼）。一点也不好笑。

Anyway, it’s great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom--or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper.I mean, look at this party.We’ve got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment.I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference.Unbelievable.Not even the mind reader knew what they were thinking.总之，我很高兴今晚来到这宏伟辉煌的希尔顿舞厅，或者用罗姆尼的话来说叫“日久失修的小破屋”（暗指罗姆尼是富二代）。我想说，瞧这派对，有穿着燕 尾服的绅士，穿晚礼服的淑女，醉人美酒和一流演出——听说这不是GSA大会我才放心（联邦政府总务署公款吃喝事件）。难以置信啊！连读心术都看不到他们脑 子里的想法（指脑袋空空）。

Of course, the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is known as the promof Washington D.C.--a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom.当然了，白宫记者晚宴又被成为“首都毕业舞会”。发明这个词的记者显然从没真正参加过真正的毕业舞会。

Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel--who is perfect for the job since most of tonight’s audience is in his key demographic--people who fall asleep during Nightline.Jimmy got his start years ago on The Man Show.In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.我们今晚的“监护人”是吉米·凯莫（指毕业舞会的成年监护人），他是这个职位的不二人选，因为今晚观众都是他的目标人群:那些看 Nightline（凯莫节目之前播出的晚新闻）睡着没关电视的人。吉米多年前在“男人秀”出道。在华盛顿，“男人秀”是关于女性避孕药品的国会听证（听 证会全是男人出席）。And plenty of journalists are here tonight.I'd be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the Huffington Post on their Pulitzer Prize.You deserve it, Arianna.There's no one else out there linking to the kinds of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day.Give them a round of applause.And you don’t pay them--it's a great business model.今晚众多媒体人到场，我必须要恭喜“赫芬顿邮报”获得普利策奖。Arianna（该报女掌门），你们当之无愧！没人能像你们一样每天“链接”到这么多的犀利新闻（指赫芬顿邮报的新闻都是盗用别家链接）。请把掌声献给他们。你们还不付原作者钱，这是伟大的经营模式啊！

Even Sarah Palin is getting back into the game, guest hosting on The Today Show--which reminds me of an old saying: What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.A little soy sauce.连佩林都重返舞台了，在“今日秀”做嘉宾主持。这使我想起一句老话：“冰球老妈和牛头犬有什么不同”（这句的内涵是说二者一样）。牛头犬的味道好极了。（自嘲6岁吃狗肉事件）再加点酱油。Now, I know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, Newt Gingrich.Newt, there's still time, man.But I'm not going to do that--I'm not going to attack any of the Republican candidates.Take Mitt Romney--he and I actually have a lot in common.We both think of our wives as our better halves, and polls show, to a alarmingly insulting extent, the American people agree.We also both have degrees from Harvard;I have one, he has two.What a snob.现在，说道这里我知道很多人都在期待我出言攻击未来的对手，金里奇。纽特你还来得及啊！但我不会那么做。我不会攻击任何共和党候选人。比如鲁姆你，我们两个其实有很多共同点，我们都认为自己的老婆比自己更优秀。而且民意调查显示，令人震惊而难堪的是，很大一部分美国人也这样认为（他俩都没老婆受欢 迎）。我们都有哈佛的学位，我有一个，他有两个。真是势利小人。

Of course, we've also had our differences.Recently, his campaign criticized me for slow jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon.In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on The Merv Griffin Show.Still, I guess Governor Romney is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see The Hunger Games--some of you have seen it.It's a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and then brutally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing.I'm sure this was a really good change of pace for him.I have not seen The Hunger Games;not enough class warfare for me.当然我俩也有不同之处，近年来他的竞选团队批评我和吉米·法伦表演的“最慢新闻风”。实际上，我知道罗姆尼州长气疯了，一直问手下能否上“Merv Griffin秀”（1986年就停播的电视节目）也来这么一长段。而且我举得罗姆尼最近的心情还是不错的，因为前几天他抽时间去看了“饥饿游戏”，有些 人看过了，电影讲述的是一群人围了取悦赞助人残忍搏杀，直到剩下最后一位幸存者的故事。他看了这片子绝对可以转换心情啊。我还没看过“饥饿游戏”，对我来 说片中的“阶级斗争”还不够（共和党将税务问题称为“阶级斗争”）。Of course, I know everybody is predicting a nastyelection, and thankfully, we've all agreed that families are off limits.Dogs, however, are apparently fair game.And while both campaigns have had some fun with this, the other day I saw a new ad from one of these outside groups that, frankly,I think crossed the line.I know Governor Romney says he has no control over what his super PACs do, but can we show the ad real quick?(Video is played.)当然我知道大家都认为本届选战将会不择手段，幸好，我们都同意不可殃及家人。但是对于狗，显然就是公平竞争了。双方阵营都拿这事玩得很开心。某天我 看到这段外围组织制作的视频，说实话，我觉得过分了。我知道罗姆尼自称跟他的“超级PAC”绝无串通，我们来看一下这段宣传广告吧。（播放视频）That’s pretty rough，but I can take it,because my stepfather always told me, it's a boy-eat-dog world out there.这一段太凶残了，但我还能忍受得住。因为我的继父经常教导我，这是个“童咬狗”的世界（被罗姆尼阵营曝光的6岁吃狗肉事件）。

Now, if I do win a second term as President, let me just say something to all the--let me just say something to all my conspiracy-oriented friends on the right who think I'm planning to unleash some secret agenda: You're absolutely right.So allow me to close with a quick preview of the secret agenda you can expect in a second Obama administration.现在，如果我真的赢得连任，我想告诉所有热爱阴谋论的右派朋友，你们认为我企图进行某些秘密计划，你们说得一点没错。所以结尾部分我要预告一下在我的第二任期内将出现的秘密计划。

In my first term, I sang Al Green;in my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy.Michelle said, yeah.I sing that to her sometimes.In my first term, we ended the war in Iraq;in my second term, I will win the war on Christmas.In my first term, we repealed the policy known as “don't ask, don't tell”--wait, though;in my second term, we will replace it with a policy known as, it's raining men.In my first term, we passed health care reform;in my second term, I guess I'll pass it again.在我的第一任期我唱了Al Green的歌，在我的第二任期，我要唱Young Jeezy。米歇尔说：“好啊。”我有时候会给她唱。在我的第一任期我们结束了伊拉克战争，在第二任期，我们会打赢“圣诞之战”（共和党上纲上线捏造的战 争）。在我的第一任期，我们推翻了“不问不说”政策（军队的歧视同性恋政策），先别急，在我的第二任期，我们会将此政策替换成“漫天男人”（经典的同性恋 歌曲）。在我第一任期，我们通过了医保改革；在我的第二任期，我想我得再通过一次（共和党企图推翻医保改革）。

I do want to end tonight on a slightly more serious note--whoever takes the oath of office next January will face some great challenges, but he will also inherit traditions that make us greater than the challenges we face.And one of those traditions is represented here tonight: a free press that isn't afraid to ask questions, to examine and to criticize.And in service of that mission, all of you make sacrifices.其实我想用正经点的内容做今晚的结语，无论明年一月谁宣誓就职都会面临严峻的考验，但他也会继承使我们能战胜考验的传统精神。今晚各位所代表的就是这样的传统精神。媒体自由让我们不怕质疑，敢于调查，直言批判。而为了这样的目标，你们所有人都做出了牺牲。Tonight, we remember journalists such as Anthony Shadid and Marie Colvin--who made the ultimatesacrifice as they sought to shine a light on some of the most important stories of our time.So whether you are a blogger or a broadcaster, whether you take on powerful interests here at home or put yourself in harm's way overseas, I have the greatest respect and admiration for what you do.I know sometimes you like to give me a hard time--and I certainly like to return the favor--but I never forget that our country depends on you.You help protect our freedom, our democracy, and our way of life.今晚，让我们来纪念像Anthony Shadid和Marie Colvin这样的勇敢记者（都是在国外报道时去世），他们为了将当代最重大的新闻公诸于世做出了崇高的牺牲。所以无论你是博客作者还是广播主持，无论你 是在国内尽力报道还是在海外身处险境，我都对你们的事业表示最高的尊敬和赞赏。我知道有时候你们让我不好过，我也非常想让你们不好过。但我从未忘记我们的 国家要仰仗你们。你帮助捍卫我们的自由、我们的民主和我们的生活方式。

And just to set the record straight, I really do enjoy attending these dinners.In fact, I had a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew.最后说正经的，我确实喜欢参加这样的晚宴。事实上我还准备了很多段子，但我得让特勤工们早点回家跟妻子报到。

Thank you very much, everybody.Thank you.非常感谢各位，谢谢！

第五篇：黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释

My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。

I grew up in China.Who didn’t?

我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。

Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。

My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn’t do it right.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。

I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是很一个矛盾。

And like many other immigrants, We always wanted my son to become the president of this country.We try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English outside in public.Which is really a tough to do because many times.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home??” He said to me, “hi, dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president of United States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a citizen, I had to take those American history lessons where they ask questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the United States?”

我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。

Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”

这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。

We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。

So, I , to be honest to be here tonight.And I have prepared for months.Eh, for tonight show and I showed the White House, my joke about president Obama.And that is way he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert.And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it.You can’t be badass than that.Well, actually, I am thinking the only way you can more badass than that is it you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.讽刺奥巴马的诺贝尔和平奖奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.Because I used to wrote for the campus newspaper.I think Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you say it, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”

马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。

My point exactly, today is my first time on C-SPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and 3!

PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!Because we won the World Series every year!

讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “yes we can” That was their slogan.当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。

After getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have to take step back and explain a little bit.You know because I had always been morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。

You maybe saying what would be your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too, ok so I understand that American people are suffering.So My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex marriage not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:” Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the president and the vice president, the Olson twins.不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one, but you won’t be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。

I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美国的经典，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。

On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;and open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building nuclear weapons!But you are doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for having me here tonight!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。

口音很重，但词汇量惊人！

“I can see Russia

from my back yard”这个说他来自中国来，能在后院看到俄罗斯。这句话引用Sara Palin的，当时Palin和McCain争夺共和党候选人的时候，Palin说她来自阿拉斯加，能在后

院就看到俄罗斯。

You had me at

“yes, we can”,有一句很有名的台词（来自《Jerry Maguire》）you had me at 'hello.'“ 是一个爱人对她情侣说的，就是说她一见钟情（从你说”你好“以后，我就爱上你了）。Joe Wang

把这句改成”you had me at 'yes we can'。“yes we can”是奥巴马竞选用的一个口号，所以这个说法意味着他对奥巴马一见钟情，而且有副总统乔•拜登在旁边就更搞笑。