英文幽默小故事12则

第一篇：英文幽默小故事12则

英文幽默小故事12则

How do you know that? Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?

Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle;at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle;and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

Thief: Oh, now and then.Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

Thief: Oh, here and there.Judge: Right.Lock him up, officer.Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.Chief is at the wedding A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.“But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.“I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But ,officer, I ….”

“I said to keep quiet!You are going to jail!”

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Are you sure?” answered the man in the cell.“I'm the groom.”

Why he couldn't leave? There was a meeting with a large number of people.At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring.Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.The speaker walked up to the man and said, “Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room.”

“Oh!Don't mention it!” replied the man, “I cannot leave because I am the next speaker.”

A burglar 入室盗窃者

A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.“You will get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.“No, no, no.” said the man.“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.I've been trying to do that for years.”

One more cake The old lady was delighted with the gift the boy had brought her.“I'll go round and see your mother tomorrow,” she said, “And I'll thank for this lovely pie.”

“Um, if you don't mind,” the boy said nervously, “could you thank her for two pies?”

Make Your Own Bed Farmer: If you want to spend the night here, you'll have to make your own bed.Traveling salesman: That's perfectly all right.Farmer: Here's a hammer and saw.Good night.What does DC stand for? What does DC stand for?

An American teacher asked one of her pupils, “What's the nation's capital?”

The reply was “Washington DC”

On being asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupils all answered：

“Dot com!”

A poor poet 一名可怜的诗人

Poet: I hope you've received the little volume of poems I sent you.Woman: Oh, yes.It's very nice.I wonder where I've put it?

Her son: It's under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.A Second Language 第二语言

A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog.When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.Turning to her kittens, the cat said, “You see how important it is to know a second language.”

Accountant An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.“Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep? ”

“That's the problem.I make a mistake and spend three hours trying to find it.”

This is my seat It was a woman's first time on a plane.She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.She ignored him and told him to go away.“Okay,” replied the man.“If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane.”

第二篇：英文幽默故事[模版]

英文幽默故事：

There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot.There werethree parrots in the shop.One was $5,000;another one, $10,000;and the third one, $30,000.The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That‟s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on.That‟s why he‟s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I don‟t know.Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all!But the other two call him „The Boss.‟”

老板最大 有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉，其中一只卖五千元，另一只卖一万元，还有一只卖三万元。顾客问老板：「为什么这只要卖五千元？这个价钱对这种鹦鹉来说太贵了！」老板说：「因为我有训练他讲话。」顾客又问：「那这只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「他除了会说话之外，还会表演一些有趣的动作，好比说跳舞等等，所以才卖这么贵。」顾客接着又问：「那第三只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「我不知道。我从没听过他讲话、吹口哨或唱歌，也没看过他跳舞，什么都没有！不过另外两只叫他：『老板！』」

Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg“? Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？

老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？ 学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？ 学生：在蛋糕里，先生

Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old.Once he goes to a cinema.It is the first time for him to do that.He buys a ticket and goes in.But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again.After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket.Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket.But a girl asks him,“Why do you buy so many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”

汤姆是个小孩，他才7岁。当他去电影院的时候。那时他第一次去。他买了张票进去了。但没过两三分钟他就出来了，然后买了第二张票又进去了。几分钟后他又出来买了第三张票。接着两三分钟后他又出来买票。一个女的问她，“你为什么要买那么多票啊? 你见到了几个朋友？” “没有，我里面没朋友，但是每当我进门的时候一位大的女人老把我的票给剪了”

Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do? Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery 他真是一个大人物

小孩：我叔叔下面有1000个人。

男人：他真是一个大人物。他是干什么的？ 小孩：墓地守墓人。

Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course.He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名伟人

老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？

学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。

Mr.Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇．

服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的．

Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。

父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗？

儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？

A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they‟re eight or ten years old or something like that.So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don‟t know, son.I‟m still paying.”

有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩，对方是学校的同学。八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人，然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸：「爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？」爸爸说：「是啊，儿子，非常花钱。」儿子又问：「要花多少钱呢？」爸爸说：「我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！」

“Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?” “No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it.”

“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”

“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”

“I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”

“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”

“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”

TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？

约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question---if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”

“I'll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。

“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

A man was going to the house of some rich person.As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road.He said, “I do not want to eat those apples;for the rich man will give me much food;he will give me very nice food to eat.” Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.He went on and came to a river.The river had become very big;so he could not go over it.He waited for some time;then he said, “I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river.” He began to go home.He had eaten no food that day.He began to want food.He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.Do not throw good things away;you may be glad to have them at some other time.【译文】 一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去，当他沿着路走时，在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说：“我不打算吃那些苹果，因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。”然后他拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了，因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说：“今天我去不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。” 他开始回家，那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “ there's only ONE policeman!”

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，„醉‟字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸，”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.” “That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”

安眠药

鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。

星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”

第三篇：英文小故事哲理篇与幽默篇

哲理篇

The Help from the God A small village came into a very large storm, and floods began to submerge the whole village.A priest prayed in the church when the flood submerged his knees． Lifeguard came to the church driving a sampan： “Father, come here as soon as possible！Otherwise you will drown in the flood！” The priest said： “No！I am confident that God will save me, please go to save others．” But soon, the water rose to the priest’s chest, and the priest had to stand on the altar． At this time, a police drove to the priest with a speedboat：“Father, hurry up, otherwise you will be drowned！” The priest said： “No, I would like to keep my church.I believe that God will save me．You’d better to save others.” After a while, the floods have submerged the entire church.The priest had no choice but to firmly grasp the top of the Cross Church．A helicopter flied over slowly, and the pilot dropped a rope ladder：“Father, hurry up, this is the last chance!” But the priest said: “No, I would like to keep my church！God will save me．”The stubborn priest was finally drowned.In the heaven, the priest asked the God angrily：”Lord, I devoted my whole life to serving you, why you refuse to help me！“ God said：” The first time, I sent a sampan to rescue you, but you didn’t get on.I think you are not satisfied with the sampan；the second time, I sent a speedboat, you refuse it again；the third time, I send a helicopter to rescue you, but also you are unwilling to accept it.Therefore, I thought you wanted to come back to my side.“ In fact, there are many obstacles in life chiefly coming from our stubbornness and ignorance．When others give us a hand, do not forget, only we accept it, can they help us！！

God's Coffee A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old professor.Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.The professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cupstelling them to help themselves.When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: ”If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, while the plain and cheap ones are left on the table.It is normal for you to have only the best for yourselves, which is the source of your problems and stress.Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...And then you began eyeing each other's cups.Now consider this: Life is the coffee;the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.“ God brews the coffee, not the cups..........Enjoy your coffee!”The happiest people don't have the best of everything.They just make the best of everything.“ Live simply.Love generously.Care deeply.Speak kindly.Leave the rest to God.Pebbles and diamonds

”Why do we have to learn about these useless things?“

This is what teachers have heard students complain about most commonly.In such cases, we may tell the students such a fable:

One night, a group of nomadic tribes of herdsmen was preparing to break camp, all of a sudden, a bunch of bright light shrouded.They knew that God would be there, so that they looked forward to getting wishes from God.God began to speak: ”You have to collect along the way a number of pebbles.Tomorrow night, you will be very happy, but you can also be regretted.“ Then God disappeared.Herdsmen were very disappointed, because they would look forward to God to bring them untold wealth and health and longevity, but they did not expect that God had told them to do all these meaningless things.However, in any case, after all, that was God's will, although there were some dissatisfaction, they were still picking over some stones,In this way, they took a day, when night fell, they camped.All of a sudden, they found that all the pebbles they picked had turned into diamonds.They were delighted, at the same time, they felt very sorry, and regretted that they did not collect more pebbles.Now we feel that knowledge is useless, like pebbles, in the future, they may become endless wealth.Sand and Stone The story goes that two friends were walking through the desert.During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: ”Today my best friend slapped me in the face.“

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: ”Today my best friend saved my life.“

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, ”After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone.Why?“

The other friend replied: ”When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.“

The Nail

There was a little boy with a bad temper.His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.Then it gradually dwindled down.He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.He said, ”You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.The fence will never be the same.When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.Show your friends how much you care.Five Keys in life In May, 2001, American Nevada state Madison middle school’s entrance examination set such a topic: On the Bill Gates desk there are 5 locked drawers, respectively representing wealth, interest, happiness, honor, and success.Gates always only have one key, and the other 4 are locked in the drawers.Which key does Gates take? One immigrated mainland student had flustered after he saw this topic, because he did not know whether it was a language question or a mathematics one.When the test finished, he asked his guarantor.The director told him that the answer was not in the books, and there were no standard answers.The mainland student got 9 points.He didn’t answer the question, but the teacher believed that, at least he was honest.At last, we know which key Gates takes in Gates’ writing in reply for this school.What does he write? The letter reads: the secret of your life is hiding behind what you are interested in.幽默篇

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, “Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

He Was Only Wrong by Two

Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enough to be accepted by the college.One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.“Well,” the dean said after some persuasion, “I‘d better ask him a few questions first.”

Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.At last the dean said, “Well, what‘s five times seven?”

The student thought for a long time and then answered, “Thirty-six.”

The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, “Oh, please let him in, sir!He was only wrong by two.”

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university.However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.“He‘s a good boy,” said Jack‘s father, “and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.”

“No, no, that‘s quite impossible,” replied the professor immediately.“Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!”

“Please, sir, give him another chance,” said Jack‘s father.“You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill.”

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and they were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.The wife wanted to travel around the world.The fairy waved her hand, and Boom!She had the tickets in her hand.Next, it was the husband‘s turn.He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom!He was ninety.Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, “Gigantic Sale!” and “Super Bargains!” The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, “Prices Slashed!” and “Fantastic Discounts!” The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, “ENTRANCE”.That man knows the future Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden.While he was sawing, another man passed in the street.He stopped and said, 'Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.' He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.Nasreddin said nothing.He thought, 'This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.' The man continued on his way.Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it.'My God!' he cried.'That man knows the future!' and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live.But the man had gone.A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”

Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “There’s only ONE policeman!”

Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese.The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: “You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny.Where did you find the cheese?” “In the rat-trap, sir,” replied the boy.How many children will I have Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.” The man said “How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins.” After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.” Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the ”3 musketeers.“ Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says ”Congratulations, you got twins x2.“ Man is happy and says, ”Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.” All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.They asked him what's wrong and he answered, “What's wrong? I work for 7up”!

You're not going to make it

Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife.After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.“Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said, “but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival.First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day.Next, give him a stress-free environment, and don't complain about anything.Finally, make passionate love to him every day.On the drive home the husband asked, ”What did the doctor say?“ ”I'm sorry,“ she said, ”but you're not going to make it.A lawyer's dog A lawyer's dog，running about unleashed，beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks，“if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store，do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?” The lawyer answers，“Absolutely.”“Then you owe me $8.50.Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”The lawyer，without a word，writes the butcher a check for $8.50.Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.Time to a pig One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads to see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,“ I see that your pig likes apples, but isn’t that quite a waste of time?” The farmer replied," What’s time to a pig.”

The brave heart

A millionaire called on all the bachelors in the city to his home , and take them to a big pool where lived some crocodiles”I want to find a brave heart, let me see who dare to jump into this pool and swim to the other side--------he will be my son-in-low, get all my fortune and my beautiful daughter.”Sex!But„„Every man looked at each other, with a pale and red face.None dare.Suddenly, with a “PUTON”,a bachelor jumped into the water, God!He swam towards the other side at a crazy speed!And at the very lighting speed, he touched the side, and climbed on without even awaking the crocodiles!

The millionaire goes ahead and holds his hand: Congratulations!What a brave heart!I suppose U want to my daughter so much!

“Not at all!”the guy cried,”I just want to know who son of a bitch pushed me into the poor just now！”

第四篇：幽默小故事

经典幽默小故事

坐错地方

一位妇人在公园的长椅上坐下，她看四周无人，便把腿伸直躺在椅子上。过了一会儿，一个乞丐走到她面前说道：“相好的，一起散散步如何？” “你好大的胆子，”妇人说：“我可不是那种勾三搭四的女人！” “那么，”乞丐又说，“你在我床上干什么？”

赵钱孙李

从前，有一位私塾先生，教了十几个小学生，其中有一个是财主的儿子，读的是《百家姓》，但他总是读不会。有一天，先生气急了，说道：“赵钱孙李这么简单的话你都记不住，真没用，我再来开导开导你。你不是姓赵吗？你们家不是很有钱吗？你的儿子的儿子不就是你的孙子吗？我的名字叫李万年。这样详详细细地解释给你听，你如果还记不住，真是该打手心！”第二天，这个学生朗朗背诵道：“我姓赵，我有钱，我的孙子李万年。”同学们听了，哈哈大笑。

到了哪一头

小伙子当恩在街上突然碰到几个月前给他主持婚礼仪式的牧师。

当恩问牧师：“在举行婚礼的时候，您不是代表上帝宣布：我和我妻子的一切烦恼都已经到头了吗？可是现在我正烦恼得很哪！”

“对，我是这样说过。”牧师不慌不忙地回答，“烦恼有开始的一头，也有消失的一头；当时我可并没有说明您是到了哪一头。”

彼此彼此

有个缺德鬼去给朋友拜年，在路上碰见了他的邻居——一个聋子。他乐呵呵地拱手给聋子拜年：“恭喜你今年早死！”

聋子以为他说的都是吉利话，便回拜说：“你也一样！你也一样！”

哭与笑

有几个人在野外拾到一个地理先生使用的罗盘，大家都不认得，拿给毛拉看是件什么东西。毛拉先是呜呜地哭，接着又哈哈地大笑起来。弄得这几个人迷惑不解地问：“你又哭又笑的，到底是怎么回事？”

毛拉诚恳地答道：“我开始哭，是觉得你们太愚昧，连这么个小东西都不认识；后来笑，是因为我发现自己也不认得这东西。”

手套

中华民国时期有个染坊工人被法院传票到法庭上作证，他举手宣誓时，整个手黑得像墨一样，法官见了，就高声叫道：“你先脱掉手套，然后再宣誓。” 染坊工人认真地说：“请你戴上眼镜，看清后再发言。”

主教落入陷阱

主教听别人说，到纽约后很有可能被报界拖入预设的陷阱，所以要格外小心。在机场，有位记者一见面就问他：“你想上夜总会吗？”主教想岔开这个问题，就讥笑着反问：“纽约有夜总会吗？”真没想到，他还是落入了陷阱。因为第二天报纸上报道这次会见的大标题是：“主教走下飞机后的第一个问题：„纽约有夜总会吗‟？”

一字之差

有一个教徒结了婚，她接到了朋友发来的贺电。电文原本是“约翰1—4—18”。朋友的意思是让她查看《圣经》中《约翰福音》一书，数字标着的页码和行数原是一句祝贺与鼓励的话：“爱里没有惧怕，爱既完全，就把惧怕除去。”

不幸送来的电文漏掉了“1”字，只见电文上写着约翰“4—18”。新娘按电文原意一翻《约翰福音》第四章18节，只见那里写着：“你已经有五个丈夫，你现在有的，并不是你的丈夫。”

损人损己

一位美貌温柔的年轻姑娘独自坐在酒吧里。从她的装束便可以看出她一定出身豪门。这时，一位潇洒英俊的青年男子向她走来，有礼貌地低声问：“这儿有人坐吗？。” 她大声说：“到阿芙达旅馆去？”

“不，不。你弄错了。”青年有几分惶悚，急忙解释说：“我只是问这儿有其他人坐吗？” “您说今夜就去？”她尖声叫道，比刚才更激动。

青年男子被她弄得狼狈极了，红着脸儿到另一张桌子上去了。许多顾客愤慨而轻蔑地看着他。

过了一会，年轻姑娘又来到他的桌边，给他叫了一杯白兰地轻声说：“对不起，我只是想看看您对意外情况的反应。”

青年本来气就未消，见她这般言行，决心叫她也出一次丑，他大声地说：“什么？一次要一百美元吗？”

这一次，窘迫轮给这位年轻的姑娘了。

想跳舞吗

大半个晚上都没有一个人邀请玛丽小姐步入舞池，使她感到非常失望。这时一位英俊潇洒的男士向她含笑走来，玛丽急忙起身微笑相迎。“您想跳舞吗？小姐？”那位男士问道。“是的，谢谢你的邀请。” “正好，我可以坐你的位置了。” 黑暗中的一吻

火车进入隧道，整个车厢里一片黑暗。只听一声亲吻，接着便是一记响亮的耳光。火车迟迟开出隧道后，车厢内四个素不相识的人都没有吱声，唯有德国军官眼圈发青。中国老太太暗想：“这姑娘人美心灵更美。”姑娘想：“真奇怪，这德国人宁亲老太婆不亲我。”德国人想：“罗马尼亚人真狡猾，他偷着亲嘴，我暗里挨打。”罗马尼亚人想：“我最聪明，我吻自己的手背，又打了德国人一个耳光，没人发现。”

最值钱的东西

从前，有一个国王统率的军队包围了一座城池。进城之前，国王发布一条命令：城中的妇女皆可免于一死，明天天亮之前，可以携带自己最值钱的东西离开城池，国王保证大家的安全。不久，只见全城妇女人人背上都背着

一个沉重的包袱，上气不接下气地走出城门，一个个累得满头大汗。原来她们身上背的包袱里，都是自己的丈夫。

美人效应

罗马一家自助餐厅的老板整天苦思冥想，终于想出一个赚别人小费的妙计。他首先请来一位非常漂亮的姑娘，坐在柜台旁边收钱，以便使得男客们神魂颠倒，慷慨解囊。谁料到姑娘上班没几天，就对老板说：“我想，我不如以前那么漂亮了。” 老板急忙问：“这是怎么回事呢？”

“现在，所有的男客都在柜台边反复地数我找给他们的零钱。”

聪明的证据

19世纪时，西方一些科学家声称找到了白种人比黄种人聪明的科学证据：“黄种人的头发截面是圆的，而白种人的则是椭圆的，椭圆有两个圆心，规画更为不易，可见上帝是偏爱白种人的。”殊料，20世纪初，人类学家在非洲某地区发现了一个黑人原始部落，他们的头发与黄种人和白种人都不一样，是扁的。

体检

一位个头很大的爱尔兰青年信步走进了一间办公室，里面正在由军医进行对警察候选人的体格检查。

军医对他说：“脱下衣服来。” “您说什么，先生？” “把衣服脱光，快一点！”

青年人脱了衣服。军医给他量了胸围，检查了脊背后，命令：“跳过这根横杆。” 青年人照着做了，结果动作还好，但摔了个仰八叉。

“双膝并拢，两手触地。”青年人按要求又做了，因失去平衡，跌倒在地上。待他爬起来，军医又命令：“在这冷水池里跳跃五分钟。” “这太滑稽了。”青年人嘟囔着。

“现在绕着房子跑十圈，我要检查你的心脏和呼吸。” 青年人终于气恼地说：“我不，我宁愿打一辈子光棍！” 军医一听，困惑地问：“你这是什么意思？”

青年人说：“是的，打光棍！办个结婚手续哪来这么多的麻烦？”

第五篇：经典幽默小故事

经典幽默小故事

坐错地方

一位妇人在公园的长椅上坐下，她看四周无人，便把腿伸直躺在椅子上。过了一会儿，一个乞丐走到她面前说道：“相好的，一起散散步如何？”

“你好大的胆子，”妇人说：“我可不是那种勾三搭四的女人！”

“那么，”乞丐又说，“你在我床上干什么？”

赵钱孙李

从前，有一位私塾先生，教了十几个小学生，其中有一个是财主的儿子，读的是《百家姓》，但他总是读不会。有一天，先生气急了，说道：“赵钱孙李这么简单的话你都记不住，真没用，我再来开导开导你。你不是姓赵吗？你们家不是很有钱吗？你的儿子的儿子不就是你的孙子吗？我的名字叫李万年。这样详详细细地解释给你听，你如果还记不住，真是该打手心！”第二天，这个学生朗朗背诵道：“我姓赵，我有钱，我的孙子李万年。”同学们听了，哈哈大笑。

到了哪一头

小伙子当恩在街上突然碰到几个月前给他主持婚礼仪式的牧师。

当恩问牧师：“在举行婚礼的时候，您不是代表上帝宣布：我和我妻子的一切烦恼都已经到头了吗？可是现在我正烦恼得很哪！”

“对，我是这样说过。”牧师不慌不忙地回答，“烦恼有开始的一头，也有消失的一头；当时我可并没有说明您是到了哪一头。”

彼此彼此

有个缺德鬼去给朋友拜年，在路上碰见了他的邻居——一个聋子。他乐呵呵地拱手给聋子拜年：“恭喜你今年早死！”

聋子以为他说的都是吉利话，便回拜说：“你也一样！你也一样！”

哭与笑

有几个人在野外拾到一个地理先生使用的罗盘，大家都不认得，拿给毛拉看是件什么东西。

毛拉先是呜呜地哭，接着又哈哈地大笑起来。弄得这几个人迷惑不解地问：“你又哭又笑的，到底是怎么回事？”

毛拉诚恳地答道：“我开始哭，是觉得你们太愚昧，连这么个小东西都不认识；后来笑，是因为我发现自己也不认得这东西。”

手套

中华民国时期有个染坊工人被法院传票到法庭上作证，他举手宣誓时，整个手黑得像墨一样，法官见了，就高声叫道：“你先脱掉手套，然后再宣誓。”

染坊工人认真地说：“请你戴上眼镜，看清后再发言。”

主教落入陷阱 主教听别人说，到纽约后很有可能被报界拖入预设的陷阱，所以要格外小心。在机场，有位记者一见面就问他：“你想上夜总会吗？”主教想岔开这个问题，就讥笑着反问：“纽约有夜总会吗？”真没想到，他还是落入了陷阱。因为第二天报纸上报道这次会见的大标题是：“主教走下飞机后的第一个问题：„纽约有夜总会吗‟？”

一字之差

有一个教徒结了婚，她接到了朋友发来的贺电。电文原本是“约翰1—4—18”。朋友的意思是让她查看《圣经》中《约翰福音》一书，数字标着的页码和行数原是一句祝贺与鼓励的话：“爱里没有惧怕，爱既完全，就把惧怕除去。”

不幸送来的电文漏掉了“1”字，只见电文上写着约翰“4—18”。新娘按电文原意一翻《约翰福音》第四章18节，只见那里写着：“你已经有五个丈夫，你现在有的，并不是你的丈夫。”

损人损己

一位美貌温柔的年轻姑娘独自坐在酒吧里。从她的装束便可以看出她一定出身豪门。

这时，一位潇洒英俊的青年男子向她走来，有礼貌地低声问：“这儿有人坐吗？。”

她大声说：“到阿芙达旅馆去？”

“不，不。你弄错了。”青年有几分惶悚，急忙解释说：“我只是问这儿有其他人坐吗？”

“您说今夜就去？”她尖声叫道，比刚才更激动。

青年男子被她弄得狼狈极了，红着脸儿到另一张桌子上去了。许多顾客愤慨而轻蔑地看着他。

过了一会，年轻姑娘又来到他的桌边，给他叫了一杯白兰地轻声说：“对不起，我只是想看看您对意外情况的反应。”

青年本来气就未消，见她这般言行，决心叫她也出一次丑，他大声地说：“什么？一次要一百美元吗？”

这一次，窘迫轮给这位年轻的姑娘了。

想跳舞吗

大半个晚上都没有一个人邀请玛丽小姐步入舞池，使她感到非常失望。这时一位英俊潇洒的男士向她含笑走来，玛丽急忙起身微笑相迎。

“您想跳舞吗？小姐？”那位男士问道。

“是的，谢谢你的邀请。”

“正好，我可以坐你的位置了。”

黑暗中的一吻

火车进入隧道，整个车厢里一片黑暗。只听一声亲吻，接着便是一记响亮的耳光。火车迟迟开出隧道后，车厢内四个素不相识的人都没有吱声，唯有德国军官眼圈发青。中国老太太暗想：“这姑娘人美心灵更美。”姑娘想：“真奇怪，这德国人宁亲老太婆不亲我。”德国人想：“罗马尼亚人真狡猾，他偷着亲嘴，我暗里挨打。”罗马尼亚人想：“我最聪明，我吻自己的手背，又打了德国人一个耳光，没人发现。”

最值钱的东西

从前，有一个国王统率的军队包围了一座城池。进城之前，国王发布一条命令：城中的妇女皆可免于一死，明天天亮之前，可以携带自己最值钱的东西离开城池，国王保证大家的安全。不久，只见全城妇女人人背上都背着

一个沉重的包袱，上气不接下气地走出城门，一个个累得满头大汗。原来她们身上背的包袱里，都是自己的丈夫。

美人效应

罗马一家自助餐厅的老板整天苦思冥想，终于想出一个赚别人小费的妙计。他首先请来一位非常漂亮的姑娘，坐在柜台旁边收钱，以便使得男客们神魂颠倒，慷慨解囊。

谁料到姑娘上班没几天，就对老板说：“我想，我不如以前那么漂亮了。”

老板急忙问：“这是怎么回事呢？”

“现在，所有的男客都在柜台边反复地数我找给他们的零钱。”

聪明的证据

19世纪时，西方一些科学家声称找到了白种人比黄种人聪明的科学证据：“黄种人的头发截面是圆的，而白种人的则是椭圆的，椭圆有两个圆心，规画更为不易，可见上帝是偏爱白种人的。”殊料，20世纪初，人类学家在非洲某地区发现了一个黑人原始部落，他们的头发与黄种人和白种人都不一样，是扁的。体检

一位个头很大的爱尔兰青年信步走进了一间办公室，里面正在由军医进行对警察候选人的体格检查。

军医对他说：“脱下衣服来。”

“您说什么，先生？”

“把衣服脱光，快一点！”

青年人脱了衣服。军医给他量了胸围，检查了脊背后，命令：“跳过这根横杆。”

青年人照着做了，结果动作还好，但摔了个仰八叉。

“双膝并拢，两手触地。”青年人按要求又做了，因失去平衡，跌倒在地上。

待他爬起来，军医又命令：“在这冷水池里跳跃五分钟。”

“这太滑稽了。”青年人嘟囔着。

“现在绕着房子跑十圈，我要检查你的心脏和呼吸。”

青年人终于气恼地说：“我不，我宁愿打一辈子光棍！”

军医一听，困惑地问：“你这是什么意思？”

青年人说：“是的，打光棍！办个结婚手续哪来这么多的麻烦？”

“啊！”军医笑着向他走来，“可怜的年轻人，你走错办公室了！”

伤心的故事

有三个美国人到纽约度假。他们走进一座高层旅馆，订了一个套间。房间是在大楼的第四十五层。

傍晚，三个人外出看戏，回到旅馆时已是深夜了。

“真对不起，”旅馆服务员说：“今晚我们这幢大楼所有的电梯都出了毛病。若诸位不打算徒步回房间，我们会想办法，给你们在大厅找个安顿的地方。”

“不必了，”其中一个叫汤姆的说：“太谢谢您了，我们不想在大厅里过夜。可以自己走上去。”

开始登楼了，汤姆对两个同伴说：“爬上四十五层，可不是件容易事，不过我知道怎样使之从难变易。一路上，我负责给你们讲笑话，安迪，你唱几支歌。还有你，彼德，给咱们讲几个有趣的故事。”

于是，汤姆讲笑话，安迪唱歌，好不容易才爬到三十四层，大家都疲备不堪，决定先休息一下。“喂，”汤姆说：“现在轮到你了，彼德。该给咱们讲个长一点的故事，情节要有趣，最后来个使人伤心的结尾。”

“那我就照你们的要求，讲一个使人伤心的故事。”彼德说：“故事并不长，却使人伤心极了：我们把房间钥匙忘在大厅啦！”

正点到站

商人吉米在铁路上做了多年的买卖，这一天他偶然发现一列火车很准时到了站。

他急忙地跑到列车员跟前说：“请吸烟，我祝贺你！我在这条铁路上跑了十五年，这还是第一次看见火车正点到站。”

“留着你的烟吧，”列车员说：“这是该昨天此时到达的车！” 遗憾

一位女士上了电车，车上座无虚席，一位先生立即起身让坐。谁知那位女士毫无表情地入座。先生问道：

“夫人，你说什么？”

“先生，我什么也没说。”

“夫人，真遗憾，我以为你说了声谢谢呢。”

明天白吃

一位法国年轻人经过外省的一个小城市，看到一家饭店的门上挂着一个牌写道：“明天，人们在这里吃饭不用付钱。”

那位年轻人盘算着他将美美饱吃一顿。

翌日清晨，天真的年轻人走进这家饭店：“伙计，来一杯牛奶咖啡，外加面包、黄油和干酪！”

老板瞟了他一眼，看着他陈旧的上衣和帽子想：无疑，他不是太有钱的人！老板便质问起年轻人：“你吃饭有钱付吗？”

“吃饭付钱？昨天我看了你们门上的招牌，上面明明写着今天人们在这里吃饭是不用付钱的呀！”

“你真是个大笨蛋，再去看看门上写的。”

年轻人走过去一看，只见门上挂的牌仍然写着：“明天，人们在这里吃饭不用付钱。”

“明天，可不是今天！”

“啊！现在我明白了：这里从来就没有明天！”

酒与水

加布罗沃附近的一个村子聘请了一位老师，为村里的孩子们任教，言定每家每年给他两桶白兰地酒作为劳务酬金。

到了开始酿造白兰地的季节，老师准备了好几个大酒缸，用来收集村民们送来的酒。全村约二百户，共收得酒四百桶。

过了不久，老师贴出广告，要把酒卖掉。

来了一个做酒生意的商贩，舀起酒来尝了尝，皱起眉头走了。

这是怎么回事？其实情况非常简单：每一个村民都想着那么一大缸烈性白兰地酒，掺上两桶水谁又能尝得出来呢？

都没有了

一位顾客走进一家餐馆，把大衣脱下挂在衣帽间，然后坐到桌旁喊道：“来一份熟牛肉。”服务员对他说：“对不起，没有了。”于是顾客改订了

一份牛排。不一会儿，服务员又空着手走出来，再次说：“对不起，没有了！”接下去，顾客又改订了几样菜，都被告知“没有了”。顾客很气愤，站起来说：“那好吧，请你把我的大衣拿来！”不久，服务员慢吞吞地走过来，微笑着说：“真抱歉，您的大衣也没有了！”

仍没法喝

麦克走进饭店，坐了下来。他看了一下菜单，仅点了一个汤，正在忙碌着的服务员马上给他端了上来。过了一会儿，他把服务员叫了过来，说：“对不起，这汤我没法喝。”

服务员感到很奇怪，把菜单拿来，又请他点了一个汤。很快，汤就端来了。然而，过了一阵儿，麦克又把他叫了来：“真对不起，这汤我还是喝不了。”

服务员更感到奇怪了，这次他不再拿来菜单，而是把经理叫了过来。经理毕恭毕恭敬地对麦克点点头，说：“先生，这道汤是本店最拿手的，深受欢迎，难道您……”

“噢，我并没说这汤味道有什么不好。尽管它味道鲜美，但我还是没法喝，您看看：调羹在哪里呢？”

各付各的帐

法国一个新开张的小酒馆门口，常常有些人徘徊着。这时，酒店里有个人喊道：“来呀！朋友们。我喝酒的时候，每个人都可以喝酒。”

门外那些人毫不犹豫地挤进来，像他一样，向柜台取了一杯威士忌，并且也像他一样，一口气将它喝干了。

这人又喊道：“我要再来一杯，朋友们，你们每个人也可以再来一杯。”

于是，大家都怀着激动的心情又干了一杯，干杯时还向这人露出满脸的微笑。

喝完后，这人从他口袋里掏出两美元放到柜台上，吼道：“我付账的时候，你们也该付账了！”

即将吵架

一个男子走进一间酒吧对女招待说：“在吵架之前，给我来一杯可可！”

女招待慌忙递给他一杯。几分钟后，那人又对女招待说：“吵架之前给我送点牛排和炸土豆片来。”女招待更加吃惊，但还是把菜送来了。

就这样，二十分钟过去了，女招待出于好奇，问道：“可是，你说的那个吵架是怎么一回事？究竟什么时候开始？”

“马上就开始！”男人实在地回答道：“因为我没钱买单。” 屠户和律师

在美国的一个市场区一条大狼狗经过一个屠夫的店铺，它跳上肉台衔走了一块挂在铁钩上的肉，屠户很快就认出这是邻舍一位律师的爱犬，于是径直走到那位律师家里。

“律师先生，我想问你一件事，有一条狗偷走我店内一大块肉，我可以控告狗主，索回肉钱吗？”

“当然可以。”这位律师界的“名人”毫不迟疑地回答。

“那好。先生，是您的爱犬偷了我的肉。这是很大一块上等精肉，足足有两公斤重，你该付给我六美元。”

律师瞧了屠户一眼，一语不发，很快如数付了钱。屠户拿了钱得意忘形，三步并作两步回到家里，一刻钟后，他接到了这样一封信：

“屠户先生，你欠律师约翰先生一件普通案的咨询费十五美元整。限三日内偿清，否则法庭见面。” 让神父祈祷

一艘船在航行时遇到了风暴，船舱破损，进水很多，船正在下沉。船长只好在风暴中大声问：“谁会祈祷？”

船上有一名神父自告奋勇地回答：“我会。”

船长说：“那好，你祈祷吧！我们其余人都套上救生圈，因为正巧差一个救生圈。” 知识和头发

某人跟一个面貌长得丑陋的教主打趣说：“你赞美真主，就是因为他把你造得这么美吗？”

教主高傲地反驳说：“我虽然长得难看，然而真主赐给我的知识，就跟你的头发一样多！”

对方脱下戴在头上的帽子，笑着说：“我是个秃子，这下你怎么讲？”

天国与地狱

星期天，牧师到教堂对信徒们说：“希望到天国的人，请起立！”除了 前排的一位少女外，大家全都站了起来。

“好。”牧师让大家坐下，然后又问道：“希望到地狱去的人，请起立！”

这次没有一个人站起来，于是牧师走近那位少女，诧异地问：“你究竟希望到哪儿去呢？”

少女很快答道：“只要留在这儿！”