第一篇：英文幽默
英文幽默：爆笑学英语
1：某次英文考试有两道题目：
（1）我穿上外套，却发现第一个扣子掉了。（2）他听见电话铃响，就过去接了电话。正确答案应为：
（1）I put on my coat and found its first button was gone.（2）As soon as he heard the phone ringing, he went to pick it up.但是某生的答案是：
（1）Shit!（2）Hello? 2：老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”
小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊!3：某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我他妈还是方片七呢！
江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道：“Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful.“翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文：
“Where? Where?
外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底：“Everywhere,everywhere.“翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。
翻译赶紧翻成英文：“You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see.“
4：话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。
A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道：「I AM 后羿！」 B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM 丘比特！」
轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」
5：一对热恋中的男女。女生非常没有安全感，于是对着男友说：“SAY „I LOVE YOU！‟SAY IT!SAY IT!SAY IT!” 男的答道：“IT!”
6：一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。他不放心的问道:turn left？监考官回答: right.于是他立刻向右转……
7：某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry.老外应道：I am sorry too.某人听后又道：I am sorry three.老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.8：某男，亦粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是：Sex，该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week”。
签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.” 该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female”，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?”男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.9：上初一的时候，英语老师让我们读课文，恰好是一段对话，于是叫了一男一女两个同学来读。
男：What time is it now? 女：It’s nine.男：Let’s go to bed.女：We go to bed at nine.全班绝倒。
10：一次为一个初中小孩搞家教，在其英语课本上发现如下恐怖字眼：爸死（bus）爷死(yes)哥死（girls）妹死（Mis）……死光（school）
第二篇：英文幽默故事[模版]
英文幽默故事：
There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot.There werethree parrots in the shop.One was $5,000;another one, $10,000;and the third one, $30,000.The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That‟s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on.That‟s why he‟s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I don‟t know.Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all!But the other two call him „The Boss.‟”
老板最大 有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉，其中一只卖五千元，另一只卖一万元，还有一只卖三万元。顾客问老板：「为什么这只要卖五千元？这个价钱对这种鹦鹉来说太贵了！」老板说：「因为我有训练他讲话。」顾客又问：「那这只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「他除了会说话之外，还会表演一些有趣的动作，好比说跳舞等等，所以才卖这么贵。」顾客接着又问：「那第三只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「我不知道。我从没听过他讲话、吹口哨或唱歌，也没看过他跳舞，什么都没有！不过另外两只叫他：『老板！』」
Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg“? Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？
老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？ 学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？ 学生：在蛋糕里，先生
Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old.Once he goes to a cinema.It is the first time for him to do that.He buys a ticket and goes in.But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again.After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket.Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket.But a girl asks him,“Why do you buy so many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”
汤姆是个小孩，他才7岁。当他去电影院的时候。那时他第一次去。他买了张票进去了。但没过两三分钟他就出来了，然后买了第二张票又进去了。几分钟后他又出来买了第三张票。接着两三分钟后他又出来买票。一个女的问她，“你为什么要买那么多票啊? 你见到了几个朋友？” “没有，我里面没朋友，但是每当我进门的时候一位大的女人老把我的票给剪了”
Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do? Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery 他真是一个大人物
小孩：我叔叔下面有1000个人。
男人：他真是一个大人物。他是干什么的？ 小孩：墓地守墓人。
Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?
Student: Of course.He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名伟人
老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？
学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。
Mr.Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇．
服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的．
Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。
父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗？
儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？
A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they‟re eight or ten years old or something like that.So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don‟t know, son.I‟m still paying.”
有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩，对方是学校的同学。八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人，然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸：「爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？」爸爸说：「是啊，儿子，非常花钱。」儿子又问：「要花多少钱呢？」爸爸说：「我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！」
“Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?” “No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it.”
“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”
“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”
“I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”
“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”
“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”
TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now，can anyone give me a good example?
John：Well，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？
约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question---if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”
“I'll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”
“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。
“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”
A man was going to the house of some rich person.As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road.He said, “I do not want to eat those apples;for the rich man will give me much food;he will give me very nice food to eat.” Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.He went on and came to a river.The river had become very big;so he could not go over it.He waited for some time;then he said, “I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river.” He began to go home.He had eaten no food that day.He began to want food.He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.Do not throw good things away;you may be glad to have them at some other time.【译文】 一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去，当他沿着路走时，在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说：“我不打算吃那些苹果，因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。”然后他拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了，因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说：“今天我去不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。” 他开始回家，那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “ there's only ONE policeman!”
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，„醉‟字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸，”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.” “That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”
安眠药
鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”
第三篇：英文幽默简单自我介绍
自我介绍就是在几分钟内“推销”自己。以下是小编带来英文幽默简单自我介绍的相关内容，希望对你有帮助。
英文幽默简单自我介绍 范例
1Good afternoon madam and sir：
I am glad to be here to meet all of you.First please let me introduce myself.My name is*****, 21.I come from Qinhuangdao,a beautiful cost city of Hebei Province.I am a college student Majored in food science and engineering，studying at the life science department of Heilonjiang University,chemisty and biology is my major subjects.I have been studying hard since I enter the life science department.Now I am monitor of my class and get along with my classmates.Since this march ,I ’ve been working as an assistant at the heilongjiang university work-study office,and performe well.I am very lucky to get the chance to be inteviewed by you。
I am open-minded ,quick in thought energetic and positive.like other youngers。I havebroad interests，especially search the Internet and do some schemes。I usually organise team-work activities，thus，I ’m good at communicating with others and making frieds widely.What’s more I can act consonace with the requirements of the occasions and have a experience of administrate a calss which consists of 60 students.At the end of the work I became friends with them.I always believe that one will easily lag behind unless he keeps on learning.Of course, if I were given the chance to work for new Oriental，I would spare no effort to make a difference.Thank you
英文幽默简单自我介绍 范例
2Hello, everyone.I’m very happy to stand here to introduce myself.大家好，很高心站在这里介绍我自己。
My name is________________.I’m _____years old, from ______________________ Primary School.It’s a beautiful school, and I love it very much.我叫XXX。今年____岁。我来自______，这是一所美丽的学校，我很喜欢它。
I’m a happy and talented ______.I like to make friends with others, and I get on well with my classmates.____________ is my favorite sport.I always ____________ in my spare time.Through this game, I get many benefits.我是一个快乐、聪明的________。我喜欢交朋友，并且我和班上同学相处的很好。__________是我最喜欢的运动，我经常在空余时间__________。通过这项游戏，我获得了很多有益的东西。
At school, I study Chinese, Math, English, History, and so on.I like all of them.And I’m doing well in my study.I’m interested in learning English very much.I believe that I will do well in future.I won’t let you down.在学校，我学了语文、数学、英语、历史等课程。我很喜欢这些可能，并且好好学习它们。我很有兴趣学习英语，并且我相信我能学好它。我不会让你失望的。
Thank you for your listening.感谢您的聆听。
英文幽默简单自我介绍 范例3
each examiner:
i call/**, come from shandong province.this year is 21 years old, , is a student who will soon graduate.passes the foundation knowledge that the teachers guidance controled a calculator with personal effort firmly in the school.mainly studied c language at the software aspect.c#.java etc.plait the distance language, the data structure, vf.access etc.database is applied, calculator operate system.studied the dreamweaver web page manufacture and the asp network to weave a distance also.studied the calculator network at the hardware aspect, the calculator construction with maintain.combine many times to attend to pack machine, set the fulfillment of the net operation lesson, make me control the work principle of the calculator and the set of the calculator network net process.in addition, i attend various activities of the school organization to come to the oneself of 锻炼 actively and do various part-time to increase social experience.the teacher is divided into the group to us in the experiment and practice of the lesson remaining to complete mission, make we the deep comprehension arrive the importance of the team.the and the rise time acquires the school scholarship during the period of school, three staffs.however necessarily limited at the knowledge that the school learn, therefore i would ready to take advice study in the later work, the backlog working experience, the exaltation work ability.hope your company to give me a displays an own opportunity!
this with the result that
salute
第四篇：幽默商务英文自我介绍
导语：我学的是神圣的知识，你居然用分数来衡量，这简直是对学术的沾污!以下小编为大家介绍幽默商务英文自我介绍文章，欢迎大家阅读参考!
幽默商务英文自我介绍
1各位领导，大家好。我叫朱萍萍，来自湖南常德，是一名湖南农业大学外国语学院的应届毕业生，我的专业是商务英语。我喜欢打羽毛球，喜欢听音乐，是个活泼开朗，热情大方的女孩子。喜欢交朋友，也总会给别人带来欢笑。
我是一个来自农村的普通女孩，从小被农村淳朴的感情渲染。我有一个幸福的家庭，和爸爸妈妈，妹妹一起生活。从小我亲眼目睹了爸爸妈妈为了这个家所付出的辛苦，劳累与奔波，一点一滴都深深的刻在我的心中。
在大学三年，不仅只是能力还是个人修养上，我都受益匪浅。在老师的教导和个人的努力下，我具备了扎实的专业基础知识，并系统的掌握了各方面的理论知识，几倍了听说读写译的能力。在大学第一期，我顺利的通过了大学英语三级的考试，并在第二年就具备了大学英语四级的水平。并且，我能够熟练的进行计算机Word,Excel,Photoshop的软件操作，在大学第三年掌握了外贸单证制单与跟单的操作。大学期间，我担任学生会女生部部长一职，工作上细心，负责市我任职期间遵守的原则。我带领部门的其她成员，把女生部的工作管理的井井有条，并得到了学校领导和老师的一职肯定。在期末总结大会上，我并作为学生会所有成员代表进行了发言。暑假期间，我曾参加过学校的留校实践，不仅仅是希望问母校做一些力所能及的贡献，更期望能一次来巩固自己的专业知识和应变能力。我热爱参加学校组织的各种活动，比如：文艺汇演，英语角还有班会主持，我都积极参加，并取得了不错的效果。
尽管我只是一名应届毕业生，但我有应届毕业生上刻苦，热情的精神，希望贵公司能给我这次机会，能为贵公司添砖加瓦。
Everybody, everybody.My name is Zhu Pingping, from Changde, Hunan.I am a graduate of the Foreign Language College of Hunan Agricultural University.My major is business English.I like to play badminton, like to listen to music, is a lively, cheerful, warm and generous girls.Love to make friends, and always bring laughter to others.I am an ordinary girl from the countryside, and I was brought up by the simple feelings of the countryside.I have a happy family, living with my parents and my sister.From my own eyes, I witnessed my father and mother's hard work, tired and running, deeply engraved in my heart.In the three years of University, not only ability or personal accomplishment, I have benefited a lot.Under the teacher's teaching and personal efforts, I have solid professional knowledge and have systematically grasped all aspects of theoretical knowledge, which has doubled the abilities of listening, speaking, reading, writing and translating.In the first phase of the University, I passed the College English exam three smoothly, and in second years, I had the level of College English level Four.And, I can be proficient in computer Word, Excel, Photoshop software operation, third years in the university to master the foreign trade documents and documents and the operation of the documentary.During the University, I served as the Minister of the student union and was careful in my work and was responsible for the principles I observed during my job.I led her members of the Department to manage the work of the girls' department and be sure of the position of the school leaders and teachers.At the end of the final conference, I made a speech as a representative of all the members of the student union.During the summer vacation, I participated in the school practice school, just want to ask their alma mater to make contribution, can expect more time to consolidate the professional knowledge and ability of their own.I love to participate in various activities organized by the school, such as literature and art exhibition, English corner and class meeting.I have been actively participating in it, and have achieved good results.Although I am just a graduating student, I have fresh and enthusiastic spirit of graduating students.I hope your company can give me this opportunity to make bricks and mortar for your company.幽默商务英文自我介绍
2本人思想积极向上，乐观大方，成绩优秀，吃苦耐劳，有耐心，在校期间一直担任系里学生会干部的职位，对工作总是抱着认真负责的态度，实践能力强，人际关系良好，在校期间获得相当多的荣誉，得到老师和同学们的支持和认可。
在校期间，我积极进取，努力学好各门专业课程，学习成绩优异，连年获得“三好学生”称号，并连续两年获得国家励志奖学金。我初步掌握了网页制作、图像处理、动画制作等基本技能，能熟练运用office软件，通过国家英语四级的考试，还获得国家市场营销经理助理证。此外，我还报读了自考本科，并取得优良的成绩。
在社会实践方面，我一直担任系学生会干部的职位，组织并参加了学院以及系里班里的各项活动，一定程度上锻炼了自己的组织，策划和领导等方面的能力，曾多次参加各类征文比赛并获得相当多的荣誉。通过各种各样的活动，我增加了与其他同学交流和学习的机会，锻炼了自己的交际能力，学到别人的长处，认清自己的短处.此外，暑假期间通过师姐的介绍在广州XX公司做网络推广的兼职，以及在11月到12月期间在广州XX公司实习了一个月。通过一系列的社会实践活动，提高了自己的为人处世的能力，同时也为以后做事打下了基础。
本人是20xx应届毕业生，从事过一些社会实践，没有太多的经验和阅历，尽管如此，但我自学能力和接受能力强，有高度责任感，只要能给我一个舞台，我有信心通过自己的努力可以开拓出一片广阔的天空!
I am thinking positive, optimistic and generous, good grades, hard-working, patient, during the school has served as student cadres in the Department of work position, always take a serious and responsible attitude, strong practical ability, good interpersonal relationship, during the period of school got many honors, supported and recognized by teachers and students.During the period of school, I was active and enterprising, and I tried to learn various professional courses.My academic records were excellent.I got the title of “three good students” year after year, and won the national inspirational scholarship for two years.I have mastered basic skills of web page making, image processing, animation making and so on.I can skillfully use office software and pass the National English four level examination, and I also get the Assistant Certificate of national marketing manager.In addition, I also read the undergraduate course, and achieved excellent results.In social practice, I have been working as a student cadre posts, organized and participated in the school and the Department of Libanli activities, to a certain extent, exercise their organizational ability, planning and other aspects of leadership, who have participated in all kinds of competition and gaining considerable honor.Through a variety of activities, I increase exchanges with other students and learning opportunities to exercise their communicative ability, learn the strengths of others, to recognize their own weaknesses.In addition, during the summer vacation to do network promotion of part-time in Guangzhou XX company by Shijie is introduced, and in November to December during the internship for a month in Guangzhou XX company.Through a series of social practice activities, we have improved their ability to live and lay the foundation for future work.I am 20XX graduates engaged in some social practice, not too much experience and experience, though, but my self-learning ability and strong ability to accept, with high sense of responsibility, as long as you can give me a stage, I am confident that through their own efforts to open up a vast sky!
幽默商务英文自我介绍
3我叫***，是一名电子商务专业的学生。
我就读于****学校，将于200*年*月毕业。我非常珍惜在校期间的学习机会，认真学习文化课程，较熟悉地掌握专业知识，与此同时，我还学会了许多做人做事的道理。三年来的学习生话磨练出一个自信和上进心强的我。
面对知识经济的到来，计算机技术也得到了广泛的应用。作为一个21世纪的大学生，面对的又是一个新的挑战。不仅要有扎实的专业技能，还需有更多方面的知识。所以大学期间我不断学习，不断拼搏，努力学习各种计算机，网页设计，互联网技术，2000Server，微机原理，跟单信用证，英语函电，国际贸易实务等专业知识。除此之外还选修了案例分析，商务代理，photoshop图像处理以及物流知识等以提高自己的综合素质。
对待学习，我认真努力，对待工作我同样也能做到爱岗敬业，谨慎负责，一丝不苟。在生活方面我乐观，热情，诚恳，宽容。
鉴于此，我希望能在毕业后谋一职位，热切期望能用自己所学之技为社会做出自己的微薄之力。
我自信能胜任自己的工作，本着“迎难而上”的精神，我将凭自己的能力克服各种困难，更好地胜任将来的工作。
My name is * * *, a student of E-commerce.I am at * * * * school and will graduate in 200* month.I cherish the opportunity to learn in school, study culture courses and master professional knowledge, and at the same time, I have learned a lot about the principles of doing things.In the past three years, the learning students have developed a self confident and motivated self.In the face of the advent of knowledge economy, computer technology has also been widely used.As a college student in twenty-first Century, it is a new challenge.We should not only have solid professional skills, but also have more knowledge.So during my college years, I kept learning and working hard to learn all kinds of computer, web design, Internet technology, 2000Server, microcomputer principles, documentary credits, English correspondence, international trade practice and other professional knowledge.In addition to this, we have selected case analysis, business agent, Photoshop Image processing and logistics knowledge to improve their comprehensive quality.In the course of learning, I work hard, and I can also do my job and be conscientious and conscientious and meticulous.I am optimistic, enthusiastic, sincere and tolerant in life.In view of this, I hope to be able to make a job after graduation, and eagerly anticipate that I can use the skill you learn to make my own little power.I am confident that I am competent for my job.I will overcome all kinds of difficulties and become better qualified for future work in a spirit of “facing difficulties and going up”.幽默商务英文自我介绍
4大家好!很荣幸能参加本次面试，让我有向各位考官学习与交流的机会：
我叫XXX，来自于**。性格比较温和、谦虚、认真细致、踏实、吃苦耐劳、有较强的责任心和社会适应能力。今年6月即将毕业于**大学电子商务专业，在大学四年的学习生活中，我对平面这一领域的相关知识有了一定的掌握，同时具有实际的操作能力与技术。
为了使所学知识能与实践快速的结合在一起，我参加了长达3个月的实践训练，全面系统地学习了平面方面的专业知识与技能，能够应用平面设计的相关软件(Photoshop图像处理软件、Illustrator与CoreIdRAW矢量绘图软件、InDesigin与Pagemaker排版软件)做基本的图像处理、海报、企业宣传册等，能够将所学知识真正应用到实际生活中。
我承认自己还不是最优秀的人才，但是我希望之集是此岗位最合适的人选，希望有幸能够被贵公司领导予以特别考虑。今后我在好的方面再接再厉，不足之处有所改善。我的介绍到此结束。谢谢!
Hello, everyone.It's a great pleasure to attend this interview.Let me have the opportunity to learn and communicate to the examiners.My name is XXX, from * *.Temperate, modest, conscientious, conscientious, solid, hardworking, strong sense of responsibility and social adaptability.In June this year, I will graduate from the electronic commerce major of * * University.During the four years' study and life of University, I have mastered the related knowledge of plane field, and have practical operation ability and technology at the same time.In order to make the knowledge and practice of fast together, I participated in the 3 months of practice, comprehensively and systematically study the professional knowledge and skill level, to related software applications of graphic design(Photoshop image processing software, Illustrator and CoreIdRAW, InDesigin and Pagemaker vector graphics software publishing software)do the basic image processing, posters, brochures and other enterprises, will be able to learn the real knowledge applied to practical life.I admit that I am not the best person yet, but I hope it is the most suitable person in this position.I hope I can be privileged to be considered by your company leader.In the future, I will make persistent efforts in a good way and improve the shortcomings.This is the end of my introduction.Thank you!
第五篇：幽默英文演讲稿
篇一：幽默英语演讲稿 幽默英语演讲稿 love your mother 爱你的母亲
why are you crying, a young boy asked his mom? 你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈.because im a woman, she told him.因为我是女人,她告诉他.i dont understand, he said.我不明白.他回答
his mom just hugged him and said, and you never will, but thats o.k........妈妈拥抱了他说,你永远也不会明白,但没关系...later the little boy asked his father, why does mom seem to cry for no reason?.后来小男孩问他的父亲妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣? all women cry for no reason, was all his dad could say......所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣,这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...the little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候, 他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.finally he put in a call to god and when god got back to him, he asked god, why do women cry so easily? 最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣?god answered......上帝回答: when i made woman, i decided she had to be special.i made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, 当我创造女人的时候, 我决定把她造的很特别, 我让她的双肩强壮的足以能够承担整个世界,但是, 却让她的双臂温柔的足够去安慰他人...i gave her the inner strength to endure childbirthand the rejection even from her own children.我给她内在的力量去忍受生产的剧痛, 也让她有勇气承受无数的伤害, 甚至这些伤害有时会来自于自己的孩子...i gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue without 我给她顽强,让她能够不断地前进, 并且照顾自己的家人和朋友, 甚至当每个人都放弃的时候, 她却能够坚强地在疾病和劳累之时毫无怨言...i gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances.even when her child has hurt her badly....she has the very special power to make a childs boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenagers anxieties and fears....我给她内心的敏感,让她在任何环境下都深爱着自己的孩子.甚至在他们深深伤害她的时候．．． 她用那特别的力量，让年幼孩子的在受伤的时候感到安慰，也能够让年轻的子女消除紧张与恐惧．．．
i gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faultsand i fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....我给她力量关心她的丈夫，尽管他会犯错．我用男人的肋骨创造了女人，使女人可以保护男人的心脏．．．
i gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly....我给她智慧，让她知道一个好丈夫永远不会伤害他的妻子，但有时候会试炼她坚定的永远跟随自己丈夫的能力与决心． for all of this hard work, i also gave her a tear to shed.it is hers to use whenever needed and it is her only weakness....when you see her cry,tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.因为这些种种的困难，我也同样赐她流下眼泪，这是当她在需要时可以使用的，这是她唯一的软弱之处．．． 当你看到她哭泣的时候，告诉她你有多么地爱她，告诉她她为所有人所做的一切，即使这样她可能还是会哭泣，但你会使她的心里得到安慰． she is special!please send this to women you know, and those with mothers,sisters, and special women in their lives.她是独特的！
请把这个信息传递给你认识的女人，有母亲，姐妹和特别的女性在他们生命里的人．
but, also send this to men so they will understand about what a wonderful thing a woman is.篇二：英语演讲幽默开场白 英语演讲幽默开场白 作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program---and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。
i used to get nervous when giving a speech but then i read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked.and so, at this very moment, i’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked.and it really works.i no suffer from nervousness.eyestrain.yes 幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常紧张。我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。
personally, i have never been conceited---and i can’t tell you how much i admire myself for that.幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我.我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。
let me put this into plain english.i’ll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。
创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的？
如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。
if you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one i know.幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。
创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。
making a speech is like watering a lawn.you’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。
创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。
before i begin, i want you to know that the following speech has been edited fortelevision.i cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。
可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。
幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。
创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢？篇三：幽默英语演讲稿 幽默英语演讲稿 love your mother 爱你的母亲
why are you crying, a young boy asked his mom? 你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈.because im a woman, she told him.因为我是女人,她告诉他.i dont understand, he said.我不明白.他回答
his mom just hugged him and said, and you never will, but thats o.k........妈妈拥抱了他说,你永远也不会明白,但没关系...later the little boy asked his father, why does mom seem to cry for no reason?.后来小男孩问他的父亲妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣? all women cry for no reason, was all his dad could say......所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣,这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...the little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候,他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.finally he put in a call to god and when god got back to him, he asked god, why do women cry so easily? 最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣? god answered......上帝回答: when i made woman, i decided she had to be special.i made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, 当我创造女人的时候, 我决定把她造的很特别, 我让她的双肩强壮的足以能够承担整个世界,但是, 却让她的双臂温柔的足够去安慰他人...i gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection even from her own children.我给她内在的力量去忍受生产的剧痛,也让她有勇气承受无数的伤害, 甚至这些伤害有时会来自于自己的孩子...i gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue without 我给她顽强,让她能够不断地前进, 并且照顾自己的家人和朋友, 甚至当每个人都放弃的时候, 她却能够坚强地在疾病和劳累之时毫无怨言...i gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances.even when her child has hurt her badly....she has the very special power to make a childs boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenagers anxieties and fears....我给她内心的敏感,让她在任何环境下都深爱着自己的孩子.甚至在他们深深伤害她的时候．．．
她用那特别的力量，让年幼孩子的在受伤的时候感到安慰，也能够让年轻的子女消除紧张与恐惧．．．
i gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults and i fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....我给她力量关心她的丈夫，尽管他会犯错．我用男人的肋骨创造了女人，使女人可以保护男人的心脏．．．
i gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly....我给她智慧，让她知道一个好丈夫永远不会伤害他的妻子，但有时候会试炼她坚定的永远跟随自己丈夫的能力与决心． for all of this hard work, i also gave her a tear to shed.it is hers to use whenever needed and it is her only weakness....when you see her cry,tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.因为这些种种的困难，我也同样赐她流下眼泪，这是当她在需要时可以使用的，这是她唯一的软弱之处．．． 当你看到她哭泣的时候，告诉她你有多么地爱她，告诉她她为所有人所做的一切，即使这样她可能还是会哭泣，但你会使她的心里得到安慰． she is special!please send this to women you know, and those with mothers, sisters, and special women in their lives.她是独特的！
请把这个信息传递给你认识的女人，有母亲，姐妹和特别的女性在他们生命里的人．
but, also send this to men so they will understand about what a wonderful thing a woman is.each day is a mountain that must be climbed;with courage each step
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