第一篇：荆柯刺秦英语剧本
一、Emperor and the Assassin 荆珂刺秦王搞笑英语话剧剧本 旁白(Aside)/介绍（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways.Mr Jingke was the most famous sWordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”.But finally he failed.Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.Action I
太子丹（上，掏出镜子梳头，做自恋状）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world?(画外音：It’s you, Prince Dan!太子丹高兴状)Thank u mirror!（面对观众）I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world.But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth.I am so scared.So what can I do?(向幕里大叫)Where is my minister? 阿三(毕恭毕敬): Honey, I am coming.太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!阿三：Sure, honey!I have a good idea.We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作杀状）太子：Oh yeah~~~.What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么，人才！这句话要跟观众交流，最好由观众来回答，然后拍阿三肩膀，做赞许状）Good idea!But who is the right candidate? 阿三：After screening I have two promising persons on hand.One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe.Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK? 阿三：Yes.Action II（《十面埋伏》中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐）荆轲
Are you Li mochou? 李莫愁 Yes.荆轲
OK.I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.李莫愁
Are you challenging me? 荆轲
Off course!耸耸肩表示同意 李莫愁 Come on!音乐起
两人冲上前来
“人在江湖漂啊，哪有不挨刀啊，一刀砍死你啊，两刀砍死你啊。。”
李莫愁倒地 荆轲大笑
李莫愁痛苦状：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt? 荆轲: We don't need any reason to win a person.Don't we? Do we?（赢一个人需要理由么，不需要么，需要么？）
李莫愁：Momma always said: “Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou.You never know what you're gonna get.” I got it, Momma is right.荆轲再次大笑
太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you? 荆柯：Fine, thank you, and you? 太子丹：Oh my God!Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”? 荆柯：Sure!太子丹：How are you? 荆柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife? 太子丹晕倒
荆柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please? 荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸，上面写着：
To be or not to be, that's a question.阿三：Hero，we need your help.荆柯：I am busy now!太子丹：You can get a lot of money.荆柯：I am very busy now!阿三：IC, ID, IQ card? 荆柯：I am very very busy now!阿三(手指上场的美女，激动状): Look!She is the most beautiful girl in the world.If you say O.K., she is yours.荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!阿三：What? What’s the TCM? 荆柯;Hey, guy!You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM? 观众甲：TCM-Traditional Chinese MM.太子丹：I must show you the trump card.Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea.It is a brand new product of Unilever China.荆柯（激动）：Slimming tea!I have dreamed of it for thousands of times.My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.阿三：You want? Speak up if you want!Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up.Take it!Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧？难道你真的想要吗„„（《No matter》音乐起，荆轲先与阿三跳探戈，拥入怀中，又甩出去，阿三做呕吐状。然后荆轲与太子丹跳伦巴，最后太子丹摆一个女性化的造型，向后弯腰并抬其中一条腿，荆轲做调戏状。）荆柯(诚恳状)Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you.太子丹与阿三（撞胯，击掌）Yeah!
Action Ш（《大话西游》主题曲响起）
荆珂挽着妻子，太子丹,阿三在后.阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.荆珂：Just stop here, please.Farewell, my friends 太子丹：I will miss you, baby.（太子丹，阿三下。停顿。《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起，荆轲与妻子做Jack和rose在船头的经典造型，忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过，向荆轲抛媚眼，并抛下定情手绢。荆轲高兴的盯着美女看，妻子发觉不对，扭过头来。）荆珂（急忙收敛）：Darling, I love you.妻子：I love you!You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!（《肖申克的救赎》）荆珂(流泪)：I love you more.In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you.(哪怕是世界末日我都会爱着你，选自《飘》)妻子：Well.Be a man, just do it!I will be right here waiting for you.荆珂（欲走还留，执子之手又曰）：Sweetheart!You must do me this honor...promise me you will survive...that you will never give up...no matter what happens...no matter how hopeless...promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克号沉船时，Jack对Rose的倾诉）.妻子:“I promise.” 荆轲:“Never let go.“
妻子:”I promise.I will never let go, Jack.I'll never let go.“（荆轲的发音和jack很像，所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词。）妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪，荆珂上船，渐渐远去
妻子：It’s a good day to die.Never come back.Never„„ Never„„
妻子(掏出手机拨号，阿三接手机)： Thank you very much.As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.阿三：Okay okay!旁白：Then Jingke was sent to Qin and finally killed by Yingzheng.The End
二、7人英语话剧剧本-Net Friend,互联网交友
Is it correct to make friends on the Internet? Will it be dangerous? Bill, Hillary's younger brother, is a rude and impolite boy.Everyone in his school doesn't like him.However, he really wants to have a girlfriend, so he asks his sister to help him.Then Hillary pretended to be Bill on net and met a nice girl, Monica.Three months later, Hillary asked Monica to go out with ”Bill“(Her brother), and arranged everything for them.When they met each other at McDonald's, Monica found that Bill wasn't the one who she talked to on net.Then...Finally, Monica understands that it's very dangerous to date with strangers and trusts everything of which her net-friend told her.And we all should be very careful when we're on net.Scene I
(In school cafeteria, students are having lunch)
Bill: Hey, Jessie.(He pushed her shoulder very rudely)Can I join you?(Jessie didn't say a Word, and Bill just sat down)
Bill: Wow!Wow!Wow!You are wearing a nice dress today!Jessie: Thanks!
Bill: Oh!What a beautiful hair clip.Where did you buy it?(Jessie didn't say anything..)
Bill: Hey, you have a nice watch.(He held her hand strongly and Jessie got angry.)
Jessie: Don't touch me!I don't want to talk to you.Leave me alone!(Bill stood up and walked toward Carol.Bill sat down beside Carol without asking her)
Bill: Hey, beautiful!How could you eat so little!It's not good for your health!Take this!(Bill wanted Carol to eat his food)
Carol: No.Bill: Take it!(He was very rude and the plate fell down.)Carol: Hey!What are you doing!This is my new skirt!Bill: I'm sorry!
Carol: Go away!You're such a rude guy!(Carol went away.)
Bill: Did I do something wrong?(He talked to himself)
Scene II
(In Hillary's room.Hillary was surfing the net)
Bill: Sis....Bill: Hillary!
Hillary: Oh!Hi!Bill!How long have you been sitting there? Are you trying to scare me?(Bill didn't say a Word.)
Hillary: Bill? What's wrong with you? What happened?
Bill: I tried to draw some girls' attention but they just ignored me!Hillary: Hmm....Maybe the way you used was wrong.Bill: Yeah, maybe.But I don't know how to attract them.Hillary, I just want to have a girlfriend? Hillary: Girlfriend? Bill: Yeah.Hillary: Let me see what I can do.Bill: So, can you help me?
Hillary: Ok!Since you really want to have a girlfriend, I'll try to help you.Bill: Great!Thank you!You are a doll!
(At this moment, Hillary's net-friend is calling her.)
Hillary: Oh..My net-friend!
Bill: Ok!Waiting for your good news!
(Bill left Hillary's room and Hillary was thinking how she helped Bill.)
Hillary: Yeah!That's it!I can pretend to be Bill and find a girlfriend on the Internet!(She opened the PC and saw a girl's name ”Monica“...)
Hillary:(Laughing......)Monica!(A little bit surprised)
Hillary:(Talked to herself)It is the same name as the girl of Clinton's sexual scandal.Hmm.Let me send a message to her.Hillary: Hi!I'm Bill!Glad to meet you!
Monica: Hello, Bill!, Glad to meet you, too.I'm a college student, and you? Hillary: Me three
Monica:(Laughing...)You're a humorous person!Hillary: Thanks!I guess you're a female, aren't you? Monica: Yes, I am.Hillary:(Talked to herself)Great!She's a girl.Monica: And you?
Hillary: Oh...I'm a ”boy“
Monica: Which school club are you in? Hillary: Computer Information Club.Monica: Oh!Really? So you must be a computer expert!Hillary: You can say that again.Monica: You know I'm interested in computers, too.So, can you teach me or tell me something about them?
Hillary: Sure!It's my pleasure!(.....Two hours later.....)
Hillary: Oh!It's interesting to chat with you.Monica: Yeah!I'm very happy, too.IIiIIaiy: Will you be here tomorrow? At the same time? Monica: I think so, I hope we can meet again.Hillary: Ok, I'll be here tomorrow, Bye!Bye!Monica: Bye!
Saying: From then on, Monica and Hillary continue chatting with each other after school.(At Monica's room.As soon as Monica came back home from school, she started surfing the net.Then, her mom came into her room.She knocked her door, but no oneanswered the door)
Mom: I'm coming!
Mom: Oh!Monica, my darling!I've just baked some cookies.Want some? Monica: No, thanks!I have something important to do.Mom: What are you busy doing?
Monica: I'm surfing the net and talking to my net-friend.Mom: Net-friends！They are strangers.You even don't know who they are.I read from the newspapers.Lot's of things happened on net.You should be more careful and you have to watch out for your net-friends, You're so young
Monica: Ok..ok..I know, Mom.Don't worry about me.(Mom walked out her room.and Monica saw Hillary)
Monica: Hello!Bill!
Hillary: Hi!Monica!How's school today? Monica: Wonderful!It's really a nice day!
Hillary: Monica!I think we've known each other for a long time.And I just wonder whether you would go out with me?
Monica:(Talk to herself)Go out with him?
Monica: Sure, I would like to.I think you're a polite and humorous person.It may be interesting to go out with you!
Hillary: That's great!How about we meeting at McDonald's on Ming-Chang Road this weekend? Monica: All right!It's a deal!But how can I recognize you?
Hilillary: I'll wear a blue shirt, blue jeans, a blue caps and also carry a blue knapsack.Besides, I'll stand beside the trash can.Monica: All in blue!Wow!Ok!That will be easy for me to recognize you.Hillary: Yeah!I'll be waiting for you!Monica: Ok!See you
Monica:(Talk to herself)Ha!I'm looking forward to it!
Hillary:(Talk to herself)Yes, I made it.I'm going to tell Bill this good news!ScenceIII
(At McDonald's, Bill was waiting for Monica.A few minutes later, Monica saw Bill and walked toward Bill)
Monica: Hi...Are you Bill? Bill: Yes, I am.You're Monica? Monica: Yeah..that's right.Bill: You look great!
Monica: You're not bad, either.Hey, Let's find a table!
Bill: Yeah!How about that one? I've ordered some things.(They found a table and began talking.)
Monica: Bill!Bill: Monica!
Bill: Oh!Lady first!
Monica: Bill, have you already finished your computer report? Bill: Uh...Uh...Did I tell you that?
Monica: Yes, you did.You said it was about how to kill virus.Did you find out how to do that? Bill: Kill virus? That's easy for me.I'm a genius.Just use a knife.Monica: A knife?
Bill: Yeah!Knife can kill everything.Monica: What are you talking about? Alright!Alright!Forget it!And how about the novel we discussed last week?
Bill: Novel? I've read so many novels, which one?
Monica: ”The old man and the sea“, don't you forget? What happened to that old man? Bill: Yeah!That old man!He caught a big fish and then became a hero.Monica: Hmm.He has a strong will, doesn't he? He never gives up anything.And how about the fish?
Bill: Did you forget? He cooked the fish and ate it!
Monica: And~~it's delicious, right? Bill: You got it!It's very delicious!
Monica: Nonsense!The fish was eaten by the sharks.You're not Bill, are you? Bill: Of course I'm Bill.”B~I-L-L“
Monica: But you seem different from the way you are on net.Who are you for God's sake?
Bill: Ok.I tell you the truth.I'm Bill, but not the one you talked to on net.That was my sister, Hillary.Monica: Are you kidding me?
Bill: No, that's true.I really want to have a girlfriend, so she helped me out.She met you on net and thought you're a nice girl.So she arranged us to meet each other.Monica: That means both of you tricked me? Bill: So what? That's Hillary's idea.Monica: You...You.....(She is very angry)
Monica: Gosh!I was tricked for such a long time!Scence IV
(Monica left McDonald angrily)
(At Monica's room, again.)Monica:(Crying)How foolish I was!What on earth was I doing?(Still crying)I think I need someone to talk to.(She looked around and saw the time)
Monica: Ah, 8:30.It's ”Paula's Time.“(She turned on the TV)
Paula: Welcome to ”Paula's Time" I'm Paula Jones, not Dow Jones.Today we'll discuss some net problems.Nowadays Internet helps modern people live more convenient lives, get the latest information.You can say that we live in an Internet world.However, some bad guys made use of Internet to do illegal deals or trick people.So, today we will listen to some friends' problems and help them solve it.Our hot line number is 111-1234.Please dial it as soon as possible.I'm waiting for your call-in.OK.Who's the first friend? Monica: Hi, Paula, I'm Monica.Paula: Yes, Monica, what do you want to share with us?
Monica: I met a girl, Hillary, on net three months ago.She pretended to be her brother, Bill, and chatted with me.But I didn't know the truth until yesterday that we arranged to meet each other.He told me that Hillary surfed the net to help him find a girlfriend.And that was me.I felt I was tricked and I was very sad.Do you think I'm wrong?
Paula: It seems like Bill takes special interests in Monica just like our president.Monica, it's a serious and common social problem in modern society.Lots of people want to make friends on the Internet.But you must be careful.On the net, people use nicknames to protect themselves, or even trick others to do something bad.Everyone on the net wears a mask.Sometimes it's evil that hides under the mask.So you had better watch out.Never date with strangers by yourself.Strangers are dangerous.Monica: Thanks, Paula.You do help me a lot.I know what I should do now.(Suddenly someone is calling Monica on net)
Starr: Hi!Monica!I'm Starr.May I make friends with you? Monica: Oh!No!Not again!(Lights out)
The End
三、Scene I(Green Garden St.)(During the rush hours, when the street is crowded , Mr.Green is driving past the red light , unexpectedly a car accident happens...Two people came out of their cars angrily...)Miss Blue: Oh!It's you, Mr.Green...Do you know how to drive your car? Mr.Green: You see that I was driving across the road!Wow!There is a dent on my beloved BENZ.Miss Blue: My BMW has got a dent too, you should compensate me.(While they are quarrelling, later on, the police comes.)Police: What's happened? Mr.Green: She has bumped into my car!Miss Blue: No!It is himself that drove past the red light...(Quarrel again...)Police: Has any one been injured? Mr.Green: I feel headache , foot ache , ache very much.Miss Blue: I ache all over too.(Both of them mourn painfully...)Police: Then I'll call an ambulance(O-E-O-E...).Scene II(Blue Sky Hospital-Emergency)(Ambulance sends them to the hospital)Nurse: Who is injured?(Both of them say it is themselves at the same time...)Nurse: What's your name, Mr.? Mr.Green: Call me DPP Green.Nurse:(Unhappy facial expression)Oh!Go to the corner and sit there.Mr.Green: But...(nurse interrupts)Nurse: Go!Don't speak any words.....what's your name, Miss? Miss Blue: My name is KMT Blue.Nurse:(gentle and smiles)Oh, Miss this side, please.Would you tell me how you are feeling? Miss Blue: Oh!I ache all over...Nurse: OK!I'll help you stop the pain first, and then the doctor will treat you in a while.(Mr.Green comes over to require medical treatment, but rejected)Mr.Green: Nurse, I...I feel...Nurse: Wait there, didn't you hear me?(Mr.Green goes back helplessly, the doctor comes over at this moment...)Nurse: The young lady called KMT Blue...KMT Blue.Doctor: Ok!I see...How are you, Miss? Miss Blue: I got an car accident and I ache all over...Doctor:(Check)It's ok...don't worry about it.I'll give you some medicine.You'll get well soon......Miss Blue: Thank you, doctor..(Miss Blue leaves.)Doctor: Next one.(Mr.Green comes in and Dr.reads his medical record)You are called DPP Green!Mr.Green: Yeah!Any problem with that ? Doctor: Hmm...(Consider)DPP Green(Raise up voice)? What's wrong with you? Mr.Green: I ache all over-headache, toothache and foot ache(The doctor interrupts him impatiently)...Doctor: I...I...I see, Miss Lin – give Mr.Green an injection...Mr.Green: What? An injection?(Nurse takes out the syringe)Nurse: Where do you want to inject?(Mr.Green is frightened and shivering...)Mr.Green: Well, doctor...that...I do not ache anymore, I...I want to leave.Nurse: Wait!Don't go...(Nurse pulls Mr.Green and forces him to enter the injection room)Mr.Green: Wow!......That hurts!(Miss Blue goes out of the emergency room, but Mr.Green leaves in terrible pain.)孔雀东南飞
焦仲卿Johnny(J for short)刘兰芝Lunch(L for short)焦母Johnny’smother(JM for short)刘母Lunch’smother(LM for short)太守之子Mayor’s son(MS for short)强盗Burglars(A B and C)Prologue(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)J: Everybody says that I’m henpecked ,but in fact, I’m as strong as atiger ,(小声)while my Wife is Wu Song.(指着上台处的门大声道)I’m not afraid of you!(内砸出一脸盆,Ｊ接住当成盾牌护着头)Then ,I’m afraid of whom? My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, Smarter than me and stronger than me..All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender Than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)My God!Who can help me?(下)Act1(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)JM(拄拐棍上):I can!(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’m here!What’sup mum? JM: I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and Dearest mother-in-law”.L: OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up? JM :Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude so brusque ,so lazy…… L: But……
JM: Never interrupt me!L: Never interrupt me!Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.I have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and…… JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you?(开始解围裙)Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)Act2(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)L: Mum, I’m back!LM: You are back? Why? What happened? L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!I have already told you!When you insisted on Marrying that terrible John, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor, But you did not listen to me.Look at yourself…… L: But, mum……
LM: Never interrupt me!L: Mum, I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you a real way OK? And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.LM(大喜):Nice girl!Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:“If you daughter Haven’t been married, I really really wan to marry her!” Now you are free again, I’ll go And tell him.(下)L(惊愕):What? The mayor’s son? The most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood?(手中的锅 铲掉在地上)What as illy thing I have done!(下)Act3(J睡眼惺忪上)J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Where are my socks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Here they are!(闻一下)Er!How smelly!They are still dirty!(突然想起)Lunch has gone!I have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh, I’m so hungry!But there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围
裙)This is what Lunch always swears!I miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill!Now She has gone.I have to cook for my mother and myself.JM(上):Where’s my breakfast Where’s Lunch? Has’nt she got up yet? J: Mum, can’t you remember? Lunch has gone!JM(沉吟片刻):Well, to tell you the truth Johnny, as on with out a wife is useless.Lunch is a nice girl, go and take her back!J(立正敬礼):Yes madam!Act4(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)A: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B: And I planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)C: If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)AB&C: Give us all your money!J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出１角硬币):Is 1 mao enough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)A: What bad luck!This guy is broken!B: If we can not rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!C:I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lanzhi next month.WE can go and Rob the wedding!A&B: Good idea!J(惊讶):What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!AB&C: Why? A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!J: But Lunch is my wife!We haven’ t got divorced yet!(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding ,don’t you? I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B: Have you got any experience? J : No.But I’ve got this!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄１，０００，０００)Act5(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(J和三强盗跃至台中)ABC&J: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!A: The road is built by me!B: And I planted one tree.C: If you want to go by this street---J: Give us all your money!(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)J(火冒三丈):How dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向MS冲去）(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey, how are you? L(哭状): I hurt a lot!J: Don’t cry baby.I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)L(起身去追):Wait for me!(跑下)(音乐起 Can You Celebrate)
第二篇：荆柯刺秦小品剧本暂定
场白a：ladies and gentleman,女士们先生们，欢迎收看广外mba11c班全力推出的第一古装魔幻苦情戏——刺——秦
场白b：故事发生在东周末年，秦国一家势大，已经严重威胁各国生存，在这个经济即将崩溃，人民水深火热的黑暗时刻，一个英雄诞生了！
荆轲出场，（音乐，演唱，和观众互动）
第一种，暗杀
路人abc出场（ab为男士，c为女士）
路人a在做早操：1234，5678，2234，5678
荆轲偷偷来到路人a身后，举起匕首，大喊一声：呀
路人a跳起，假装害怕：“啊”，然后手指指向观众席“...那边”
荆轲望向观众席，路人A乘机把荆轲的手和匕首刺向荆轲胸膛
路人a继续“3234，5678”，荆轲呆在原场，路人甲离场
荆轲：第二种，明杀（面向路人b）
路人b：你想干什么？
荆轲：杀了你
路人b：就凭你？
荆轲：废话少说，看招
路人2一拍手掌摆好姿势：“来”，然后把右手对准荆轲的头
荆轲向路人2的手掌冲过去，但被挡住头
荆轲用力：“丫丫丫丫丫丫”，发觉过不了，停止无用功，左手挥了挥：“过过过过过过” 路人b做了一个鄙视的动作，荆轲呆在原场，路人b退场。
荆轲：第三种，秒杀
路人c开始沐浴：左左洗洗皮肤很好，右右擦擦皮肤更好，厄呃
荆轲偷偷向左一闪，假装用手中匕首在窗户上画了一个圆，然后打开一扇门，正好看见路人c在沐浴
路人c:你想怎么样，胸部挺一挺
荆轲看着，头猛地往上一挺，然后“呃”，倒下
c退场
荆轲站起，面向观众：第四种，也是我最赞成的，等一下告诉你们啊——（退场换黑衣服）场白a：于是，荆轲带着礼物来到秦宫，准备刺秦
场白b：and then ,mr jing go qinggong with the gift，and be ready to ciqin 赵高、李斯登场
李斯：啊呸，这场的翻译够烂的赵高尖声：宣荆轲上殿
荆轲登场，拜见两位大人
李斯：在见秦王前得问你一个问题
荆轲：问吧
李斯：（唱）哎，什么山它最有名哎，（合）哎哎嗨吆，什么地方真不错哎，（合）哎哎嗨吆，什么人他真厉害呀，开的是个什么车哎？
荆轲手舞足蹈：哎，白云山它最有名哎，哎哎嗨吆，山下广外真不错哎，（合）哎哎嗨吆，广外有个孙主任哎，开着奥迪办MBA。（合）学校有个孙主任哎，开着奥迪办MBA 赵高：牛！第二题，你知道jk罗琳写的七本哈利波特的小说可以连成一句话吗？ 荆轲双手叉腰：哈哈哈哈哈，哈哈
赵高在旁边数手指
李斯：厉害，请
荆轲兴冲冲地就要往里走，赵高却尖声道：入殿前需得搜身。
赵高疑问：你不是来杀秦王的？
荆轲唱豫剧选段，李斯对着赵高：真的不像杀手啊，至于你信不信，反正我是信了
秦王上殿，音乐起
场白a：这就是秦王嬴政，本戏的第二男主角，以后一统天下的重量级人物，他出场了，秦王出场，一边打电话一边向观众挥手致意
场白b：哎，他长得好像一个电影明星耶...秦王握紧拳头：王力宏，王力宏
场白a：曾„志伟
荆轲跪下：参见陛下
嬴政：算啦，免礼
秦王：（严厉）荆轲，你脸怎么黄了？
荆轲面对观众：防冷涂的蜡。
秦王：怎么又红了?
荆轲：精神焕发！
秦王：荆轲，你不是一直想刺杀朕吗？
荆轲：陛下，刺杀只是小伎俩。不杀，才是王道，是以大胸怀包容天下，那便是和平。一个人的痛苦，与天下人比便不再是痛苦；我与你的仇恨，放到天下也不再是仇恨
李斯动情状：太帅了
赵高动情状：太牛了
秦王竖起大拇指：太有型了，荆轲上前：陛下，你看我给你带来了什么。
荆轲继续递上礼物——卷轴
秦王：啊？？这是，这是2012广外录取通知书（面向荆轲），哎呀，我盼这东西已经很久啦，这么宝贵的礼物，这怎么好意思？
荆轲：We two who and who！
秦王呆住：pa„pardon？
荆轲：We too who and who！咱两谁跟谁！
秦王：咳，那广外学费贵吗？
荆轲：陛下您要是上的话，不贵，10万两黄金
秦王捂着胸口痛苦状：10万两黄金？，那你还是把我刺杀了吧。
荆轲拿起秦王手机，走到一边，打电话：ok,ok,ook,ok,ok,ook!
荆轲对秦王：陛下，我刚才请示了一下你们三人齐上，学费可以优惠8.8折
秦王：好好好！8万8，卡卡就是发，咱们一起上。
秦王高兴：哎呀，只要花8万8，我就是高级ceo了
李斯高兴：哎呀, 只要花8万8，我就是高级打杂了
赵高难过：哎呀，花8万8，我就是高级太监了
场白：荆轲刺秦的故事就到乐这里。故事还要继续下去。过了一天又一天，一年又一年。3年后秦王统一了天下。他们中出现了高级CEO。高级打杂的。高级太监。（走秀上场）总之是11C班出来的都是高级的。全场演员谢幕（全剧终）
第三篇：小品剧本:荆柯刺秦前传(搞笑版)
剧中人物：秦王、赵高、李斯斯,荆柯、孟姜女、武士
地点：皇宫大殿
时间：公元前228年xiexiebang.com-http://www.xiexiebang.com/一上来，暗场，站坐有模样：风风，大风，大风，风风，大风，大风，吹，吹得
脑瓜疼。
光起，皇上摇电话，有层次地喊：喂（表情很拧），喂（看看旁边的两人）
喂！（歇斯底里）
另三人都接电话：喂，是！嗨！
皇上拍腿（没人理）其他还在继续说我现在挺忙的皇上又拍气愤地大喊还上不上朝了
两人小贱样皇上武士还在傻笑接电话
李斯斯一脚踹过去武士立马摆提刀的动作一副很有架子的样子
武士：有，有本。。早。。奏无本退，退，退，朝。。（像女生般撒娇地说）
武士：诶，诶，（可带手势）对（结巴音）
李的手机响
皇上：哎呀！呀呀呀呀呀呀！
赵：一大白脸贴近皇上皇上你牙疼啊？()
皇上：你才牙疼呢！
李：原词在纸张
皇：一惊讶的样子夸张的跳上凳子啥？？又来了？wenmi114.com那我让你们修建的万里长城进展怎么样了？
武士在玩手机李又上前去踹了他一脚
武士一正步上前汇报：启禀大王，一个月前已经修好了四百公里。
皇上：怎么四百公里？我不是让你修八百里吗？
武士：对啊，是四百公里啊！（发嗲）
皇上：八百里！（孩子气地喊）
武士：四百公里！
皇上：八百里！（）
武士：四百公里！
赵：皇上，他耍你呢！（很贼地说）
皇上：哦！（恍然大悟）你过来！（扯弓箭大声喊）
武士：啊，不~~~
皇上赶紧给包工头打电话催进度
赵李二人同时说：皇上他们欠费了
皇上：欠费？不是让你给他们送充值卡了吗？卡呢？！
赵李送了啊
皇上：送了？都送给你们的小相好了吗
赵李：没有~~
皇上：瞧你们这样兵熊熊一个将熊熊一窝
赵：皇上息怒！我发明了一个新物件
皇上：什么东西？
赵：这个新物件，既能达到通讯效果，又能一分钱不花！
两人共唱：两个小娃娃呀一起打电话呀喂喂喂你在哪里呀啊啊啊我在商场啊
皇上：好东西！叫什么名字啊
赵：线话
皇上：记你一大功，马上大批量生产！以供军用和建筑。
武士手机又响
皇上：哎呀！呀呀呀呀
赵：皇上你又牙疼啊？
皇上：去去去！
武士：此时上前禀报！（原词）
李：哦，那正好。啊？那不全给我哭倒了吗？那个女的呢？
武士：已经抓来了，请大王发落。
皇上：把那个女的给我带上来。
赵李：传孟姜女的上殿！
大长今的音乐 衣服（韩国舞武士在她后面美滋滋地跟着她帮她托纱裙）
孟姜女唱：呼啦啦呼啦啦呼啦啦拉。。
皇上起初很美地跟着打拍子，忽然一下觉得不对，大喊一声：别‘啦’啦！
武士：皇上，就是她！
孟姜女：（忽然从怀里掏出筷子，敲节奏）小女我自幼很善良，嫁了个男人叫万喜良，三天前我俩入了洞房，我那苦命的万郎被抓去修了破城墙，不知是谁造的谣，说要想使长城万寿无疆，就必须在他脚下埋上万郎。可怜我孤苦的孟姜女，可悲我那惨死的万喜良，要想知道罪魁祸首他是谁呀他是谁（众人也问：他是谁呀他是谁？）他就是那个猪狗鸡鸭蛤蟆蟑螂都不如的臭大王，臭大王！
（其他人跟着节奏伸脖子）
孟姜女说完，武士忽然大喊一声：好！（忽然意识到不对又说）好你个大胆的孟姜女，敢骂皇上！
孟：就骂就骂我就骂，暴君暴君暴君君。（做鄙视的手势）
赵：还骂！
李：骂一句得了！
皇上：也！她鄙视我，她个孟姜女，把我的长城哭倒了，她还这么嚣张，（跟旁边的人说，然后掏家伙，两人立马拉着他）我，我，我要剁了你！（皇上激动）旁边李拉他，拉不住。
武士：禀告皇上~~~，包工头荆柯求见！
皇上：啥？荆柯，带上来！
武士：是！
荆柯上场，一冲上来大板跪，染着头发，穿戴时髦还戴金器，非常自我陶醉耳朵唱：求求你给我个机会，别再对工钱说无所谓！已经拖欠这么久，你的钱到底给不给！（摆生活用品牙刷牙膏什么的还梳头黑社会老大似的）
皇上：你。。？
荆柯：（非常土匪气地用东北话说）我跟你说啊，今天要不给钱噢，今天我就不走了噢！（拿闹钟看时间调时间）我睡会噢！
武士：（忽然间娇嗔）你好有男人味噢！
荆柯：滚！
皇上：呀！（对着旁边两人）然后低头掏家伙！
两人扒倒皇上（皇上摔到椅子下四仰八叉），然后一起掏家伙
赵李两人：走到皇上前面挡住皇上，掏菜刀和砍刀。
皇上爬起来说：不
要乱！
荆柯：给我工钱
孟姜女：还我丈夫
（四遍停顿一下皇上在中间装可爱打拍子忽然意识到不对大喊停！众人呆住皇上大喊要钱啊）
（秧歌四步走）
荆柯：给我丈夫
孟姜女：还我工钱
旁边的人配合唱RAP调
皇上把赵李两人手上的刀抢过来，自己拿着，大喊：给我起来！
孟姜女冷不叮
给皇上一刀，皇上问：这是什么？
孟姜女：刀啊秋水一般的宝刀啊
皇上：他敢捅我？忽然歪倒在地！
荆柯走近皇上，呀他死（SHI）了把一按弹一下
孟大喊一声：呀！荆柯刺秦啦！
大家都凑近说你俩过来补两刀互相放电赵李站起来拉着手荆柯刺秦啦
武士：啊，他刺秦啦！然后跑走
起音乐
第四篇：小品剧本:荆柯刺秦前传(搞笑版)
剧中人物：秦王、赵高、李斯斯,荆柯、孟姜女、武士
地点：皇宫大殿
时间：公元前228年xiexiebang.com-http://www.xiexiebang.com一上来，暗场，站坐有模样：风风，大风，大风，风风，大风，大风，吹，吹得
脑瓜疼。
光起，皇上摇电话，有层次地喊：喂（表情很拧），喂（看看旁边的两人）
喂！（歇斯底里）
另三人都接电话：喂，是！嗨！
皇上拍腿（没人理）其他还在继续说我现在挺忙的皇上又拍气愤地大喊还上不上朝了
两人小贱样皇上武士还在傻笑接电话
李斯斯一脚踹过去武士立马摆提刀的动作一副很有架子的样子
武士：有，有本。。早。。奏无本退，退，退，朝。。（像女生般撒娇地说）
武士：诶，诶，（可带手势）对（结巴音）
李的手机响
皇上：哎呀！呀呀呀呀呀呀！
赵：一大白脸贴近皇上皇上你牙疼啊？()
皇上：你才牙疼呢！
李：原词在纸张
皇：一惊讶的样子夸张的跳上凳子啥？？又来了？fwsir.com那我让你们修建的万里长城进展怎么样了？
武士在玩手机李又上前去踹了他一脚
武士一正步上前汇报：启禀大王，一个月前已经修好了四百公里。
皇上：怎么四百公里？我不是让你修八百里吗？
武士：对啊，是四百公里啊！（发嗲）
皇上：八百里！（孩子气地喊）
武士：四百公里！
皇上：八百里！（）
武士：四百公里！
赵：皇上，他耍你呢！（很贼地说）
皇上：哦！（恍然大悟）你过来！（扯弓箭大声喊）
武士：啊，不~~~
皇上赶紧给包工头打电话催进度
赵李二人同时说：皇上他们欠费了
皇上：欠费？不是让你给他们送充值卡了吗？卡呢？！
赵李送了啊
皇上：送了？都送给你们的小相好了吗
赵李：没有~~
皇上：瞧你们这样兵熊熊一个将熊熊一窝
赵：皇上息怒！我发明了一个新物件
皇上：什么东西？
赵：这个新物件，既能达到通讯效果，又能一分钱不花！
两人共唱：两个小娃娃呀一起打电话呀喂喂喂你在哪里呀啊啊啊我在商场啊
皇上：好东西！叫什么名字啊
赵：线话
皇上：记你一大功，马上大批量生产！以供军用和建筑。
武士手机又响
皇上：哎呀！呀呀呀呀
赵：皇上你又牙疼啊？
皇上：去去去！
武士：此时上前禀报！（原词）
李：哦，那正好。啊？那不全给我哭倒了吗？那个女的呢？
武士：已经抓来了，请大王发落。
皇上：把那个女的给我带上来。
赵李：传孟姜女的上殿！
大长今的音乐 衣服（韩国舞武士在她后面美滋滋地跟着她帮她托纱裙）
孟姜女唱：呼啦啦呼啦啦呼啦啦拉。。
皇上起初很美地跟着打拍子，忽然一下觉得不对，大喊一声：别‘啦’啦！
武士：皇上，就是她！
孟姜女：（忽然从怀里掏出筷子，敲节奏）小女我自幼很善良，嫁了个男人叫万喜良，三天前我俩入了洞房，我那苦命的万郎被抓去修了破城墙，不知是谁造的谣，说要想使长城万寿无疆，就必须在他脚下埋上万郎。可怜我孤苦的孟姜女，可悲我那惨死的万喜良，要想知道罪魁祸首他是谁呀他是谁（众人也问：他是谁呀他是谁？）他就是那个猪狗鸡鸭蛤蟆蟑螂都不如的臭大王，臭大王！
（其他人跟着节奏伸脖子）
孟姜女说完，武士忽然大喊一声：好！（忽然意识到不对又说）好你个大胆的孟姜女，敢骂皇上！
孟：就骂就骂我就骂，暴君暴君暴君君。（做鄙视的手势）
赵：还骂！
李：骂一句得了！
皇上：也！她鄙视我，她个孟姜女，把我的长城哭倒了，她还这么嚣张，（跟旁边的人说，然后掏家伙，两人立马拉着他）我，我，我要剁了你！（皇上激动）旁边李拉他，拉不住。
武士：禀告皇上~~~，包工头荆柯求见！
皇上：啥？荆柯，带上来！
武士：是！
荆柯上场，一冲上来大板跪，染着头发，穿戴时髦还戴金器，非常自我陶醉耳朵唱：求求你给我个机会，别再对工钱说无所谓！已经拖欠这么久，你的钱到底给不给！（摆生活用品牙刷牙膏什么的还梳头黑社会老大似的）
皇上：你。。？
荆柯：（非常土匪气地用东北话说）我跟你说啊，今天要不给钱噢，今天我就不走了噢！（拿闹钟看时间调时间）我睡会噢！
武士：（忽然间娇嗔）你好有男人味噢！
荆柯：滚！
皇上：呀！（对着旁边两人）然后低头掏家伙！
两人扒倒皇上（皇上摔到椅子下四仰八叉），然后一起掏家伙
赵李两人：走到皇上前面挡住皇上，掏菜刀和砍刀。
皇上爬起来说：
第五篇：晚会稿笑小品剧本荆柯刺秦
晚会稿笑小品剧本荆柯刺秦
公司晚会稿笑小品剧本荆柯刺秦
注：昨天在公司的晚宴上，我们个新员工表演了这个小品。虽然只排练了⒊次，一共才天，但是最后效果很不错。是公司晚宴上得到掌声最多的的节目了。呵呵。
特别是扮演太监的那位兄弟，学得非常之像，赢来阵阵掌声。。最后还被大家选为最佳男演员！呵呵
所以特地将台词贴出来献给大家，首先声明：台词来自一个兄弟，最初可能来自网络，经过我们的改编而成！
最后说一下，本人演的是武士的角色。呵呵
剧本：
太监：陛下，驾到。
音乐《包青天》前奏起
秦始皇与太监出场
秦始皇：（边跳边唱）秦朝有个秦始皇！统一天下正朝纲！不怕太阳晒，不怕风儿吹，只怕那此刺客来刺我。我可怎么办那？哎。。。（坐下）
武士：（出场）报～～～～～～
秦始皇：报什么报。原创：fwsir.com
武士：（唱《抱一抱》）抱一抱，那个抱一抱，报告陛下，外面有人找。
秦始皇：谁？
武士：此人自称无名，说是带来刺客的首级献给陛下。
秦始皇：此话当真？
武士：！
秦始皇：快快宣上。
太监：宣无名上殿。
（无名踩台步而上，摆亮相后走与秦始皇面前与之握手）
无名：！
秦始皇：！
（无名欲与秦始皇拥抱）
太监：休得无礼！（一把将他们推开）
无名：（做单腿跪状）叩见陛下！
秦始皇：免礼！无名，我来问你。
太监：陛下，君主一般不称我，称寡人。
秦始皇：哦，对了，我怎么把这茬子事给忘了。无名，寡。。寡妇问你。
太监：不是寡妇，是寡人。
秦始皇：（一脚把太监蹬倒在地）多嘴。无名，寡人问你，你当真带来了刺客的首级？
无名：嗨！
太监：不可能，你拿出证据来。
秦始皇：可有人证？
武士：臣可以作证。
太监：反对，反对对方辨友收买我方选手作伪证。
秦始皇：反对无效！武士，快快讲来！
武士：刺客首级已送往厨房。
秦始皇：好，无名，快与寡人讲讲事情的始末。
无名：是，陛下。当年我们被招组成刺秦四人帮，分别是长空，残剑，飞雪及臣（运动员进行曲，猫步一一入场），人称（四人齐喊）
四人上场做看流星状。《流星雨》背景音乐起，唱《流星雨》然后退场
无名：然而他们不知道，其实我是忠心于陛下您的。臣实为卧底。一日，臣与长空独处。
长空上
长空：（酷酷的仰望天空）远看月亮真圆啊，有时它也不是很圆，为何现在这么圆，因为它本来就圆。
幻无名：好诗啊好诗！长空兄为何如此感叹！
长空：唉，在下一想到刺秦之梦想还未成达成就感慨万千，诗性大发。啊，大海啊，全是水；骏马，四条腿！
幻无名：于是臣准备杀掉长空，臣使出臣的独门功夫――第八套广播体操第一节！
（音乐广播体操起，幻无名做“伸展运动”，杀掉长空）
长空：你你你～～～（倒地）
（无间道音乐起）
幻无名：对不起，我是卧底。
残剑：（残剑上，抽剑指着无名）你，你是卧底。
飞雪：（飞雪上）你们为何要自相残杀？
幻无名，残剑：他是卧底！
飞雪：到底谁是卧底？
幻无名，残剑：他！
飞雪：别吵。按老规矩。
（无名与残剑相互靠近，隔空一吻！）
残剑：对不起，我俩惺惺相吸，情不自禁！
（残剑和无名绕圈，然后划拳）
幻无名，残剑：（唱）两只小蜜蜂啊，飞到花丛中啊，飞啊，飞啊
秦始皇：！最后谁赢了？
无名：哈哈，正是臣，因为残剑那个傻瓜只会出剪刀。（残剑举起剪刀，做“耶”状）
秦始皇：后来呢？
（《后来》音乐起）
飞雪：残剑，原来你是卧底（飞雪一剑刺向残剑，残剑躲闪不及），你为什么不还手？
残剑：因为，因为，你刺得太快了！（倒地）
如月：主人！
秦始皇：咔咔！此人是谁
无名：此人正是残剑的贴身丫鬟。
秦始皇：哦，那这个丫鬟是个女的吧？
无名：陛下果然聪慧过人，英明神武！
如月：主人，我来替你报仇！（一剑刺死飞雪）
无名：然后臣拔剑杀掉如月！（如月大喊啊倒地）就这样讲刺客全部一一歼灭。哈哈哈！
秦始皇：哈哈哈～～～无名，你在欺骗寡人！
无名：陛下何出此言？
秦始皇：（起身）因为寡人曾经见过残剑。那日寡人
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