最搞笑的英文滑稽表演剧本

第一篇：最搞笑的英文滑稽表演剧本

The bank

Scene: The manager’s office in a bank

Characters: Miss D.Posit, the bank manager

Monica, Miss Posit’s secretary

Mr.Moore, a customer

A bank robber

Miss Posit is sitting at her desk.The robber comes in suddenly

Robber: Nobody move!

Posit: Of course, I am professional.When I am working, I never move around.Robber: Read this.Posit: “Three tomatoes, four eggs and two cans of Coca-Cola.” You can get out, turn right, there is a Wal-mart.You will get what you want there.Robber: Oh, thanks.(The robber turns back and goes out.)

Monica brings Mr.Moore in.Monica: Mr.Moore.Miss Posit: Good morning, Mr.Moore.Mr.Moore: Good morning.Miss Posit: Thank you, Monica.Monica leaves the office.Miss Posit: Do sit down, Mr.Moore.Mr.Moore: Thank you.He sits down.Miss Posit: Now, Mr.Moore, the situation is like this.You account is overdrawn.￥10,000 overdrawn.Mr.Moore: Oh, good.He takes out his credit cards and shows them to the manager.Miss Posit: Mr.Moore, Mr.Moore, if you use your credit cards, you’ll be overdrawn more, Mr.Moore.The robber comes back again with a bag of grocery at hand.Robber: Nobody move!

Miss Posit: Can I help you?

Robber: That’s better.You-

Mr.Moore: Me?

Robber: Yes.Read this.He gives Mr.Moore a note.Mr.Moore: Oh.OK.Er…(Reading)“Three tomatoes, four eggs…”

Robber: No, no, no.The other side this time.Mr.Moore: Oh, sorry.Er…(Reading)“Give me all your…honey, or I’ll kiss you.”

Robber: Not kiss-kill!

Mr.Moore: Oh.Er…Miss Posit.I think this is for you.He gives the note to Miss Posit.Miss Posit:(Reading)“Give me all your money, or I’ll kill you.” I see.Would you sit down for a moment?

Robber: Sit down?

Miss Posit: Yes.I am very busy at the moment.Please sit over there.Robber: But-

Miss Posit: I’ll be with you in a moment.The robber sits down.Miss Posit: Now, Mr.Moore.You spend twice as much as you earn.Mr.Moore: But I earn ￥5000 a month.Robber: Excuse me!

Miss Posit: Yes!

Robber: I make ￥50,000 a month.Miss Posit: Really? Would you like to sit here?

Robber: Thank you.Miss Posit: Mr.Moore, would you sit over there for a moment.The robber and Mr.Moore change places.Miss Posit: Tell me… where do you keep this money?

Robber: Here, in this bag.He puts a large bag full of money on the desk.Miss Posit: Oh, oh, yes.Very nice.Um…would you like to open an account, Mr…?

Robber: Robber.Miss Posit: Well, just excuse me one moment, Mr.Robber.I’ll ask Monica to get the necessary papers.Robber: Certainly.Miss Posit leaves the office.Mr.Moore: Excuse me…

Robber: Yes?

Mr.Moore: You make ￥50,000 a month.Robber: Yes.Mr.Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: I rob banks.Mr.Moore: Oh, I see.You rob banks and steal the money.Robber: Yes.Mr.Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: It’s easy.First, you need a mask.Mr.Moore: Oh, nice, I have got one.Robber: Well, then you take a gun-

Mr.Moore: I haven’t got a gun.Robber: Oh…well, borrow mine.Mr.Moore: Thank you very much.Robber: You take a gun and you take a note.Mr.Moore: Oh, yes, the note.That’s very good.I like that.(Reading)“Three tomatoes, four eggs-”

Robber: The other side!

Mr.Moore: Oh yes.(Reading)“Give me all you honey, or I’ll kiss you!”

Robber: “Money” and “kill”!

Mr.Moore: Oh, yes.Robber: You wear a mask, take the note, go into the bank, and put the note on the bank manager’s desk.Mr.Moore: Is that all?

Robber: Yes.Mr.Moore: I see.Monica comes back with papers.Monica: Ah, yes.Now, Mr.Robber-

Mr.Moore: Give me all your honey…money, or I’ll kiss…kill you.Monica:(Scared)Money, Mr.Moore? Certainly.Take this bag.She gives Mr.Moore the robber’s bag.Mr.Moore: Oh, thank you.That was easy.Robber: Yes, but-

Monica: Mr.Moore, your account is still ￥10,000 overdrawn.Mr.Moore: Oh, yes.Well…um…Here you are.He gives here ￥10,000 from the robber’s bag.Mr.Moore: ￥1000, ￥2000, ￥3000, ￥4000-

Robber: But…but…

Monica: Thank you.Mr.Moore.Mr.Moore: Goodbye.Mr.Moore leaves.Miss Posit: Now, Mr.Robber, here is your account…

Robber: But…But…But…

Monica: Mr.Robber, Mr.VIP, Here is my telephone number, My name is Monica…

Robber: Just a minute!I think something’s gone wrong.Hey, you!Come back!Bring back my money-and my gun!Come back!

He runs after Mr.Moore.Monica: Hey, don’t forget to call me.

第二篇：英文搞笑剧本

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校园搞笑小品剧本：英语话剧《赖皮孙子糊涂爷爷》

2009-03-16 19:08

演员:P: Pirate-Grandson.M: Mother.F: Father.K: King-Grandpa.旁白: There are 4 members in a family, Pirate, a 7-year-old naughty boy.His mummy is a beautiful white-collar worker.His dad, Andy Lau is a famous singer, and his dear grandpa, King is a kindly old man.Pirate loves his grandpa most, because King is very spoiling him.He hates his parents.Frankly speaking, he is afraid of them, Because they are very strict with him..正剧：(P,K出场)

P: Old King, Open the TV, I want to see Tom and Jerry.I love that mouse.Quick!No time!I can’t wait another second.K: Oh dear!I nearly forget it.Don’t worry, I open it right now.(作开电视状)P: Ha Ha!It’s really funny!Tom is so good!(作高兴状)

Oh no!“The End!” Where is Tom? I hate the end!(摔电视机，作极度气愤状)Old King!?(对K吼)

K：Oh, what a pity dog!(作左顾右盼状)Your parents are not here ,and we can change another one ,our brave Pirate, just tell me.I’m sure your demand will be satisfied.(作充满自信状)

P：Really!OK!Now, let’s watch Caribbean Pirates!

K: Humm, No, it’s unfit for you„„(作犹豫状)

P: I just like this film, Old King, you tell lies.You don’t keep your promise.（作气愤欲泣状）

K;Oh yes, I play it for you.(作为难状)But please be quite, I’m afraid your parents wound not like us doing these.P: Don’t tell so much!I have been an adult man of 7 years old.I promise it to you.(作自豪自信状)

K：OK.(作舒心，安慰状)

P: Fight him, kill him.Throw these bad guys into the sea„„(高声喊)K: Xu „„..(作禁声状).Remember your promise, young adult man.P: Oh? What promise? I have forgotten it.(作天经地义状)

K: Oh?!You are right（作理解状，因为Pirate一贯如此，出尔反尔）

P: Old King.I give you an honorable mission.(作自豪状)Be my horse, and I will ride on your back , let’s help these people in dangerous situation, just like a brave knight.(作勇敢状)

K: What!Ride on my back!Be your horse！(作惊异状)

P: Yes, your hearing is very good, any question?(作若无其事状)

K: No, No, sound a good idea!Very good!You are a brave Pirate.Now come on my back.(作无奈状)

P:(作高兴状，作跃上马背状)Hei!Let’s go!Kill all those bad men.Quick!Run quick!.......(意气风发状)

（M,F携手进场）:

P: Oh, my god!Mummy, Daddy!(A,D作慌忙状，挡在电视机前)

M: Dad, what are you doing!? Naughty Pirate, isn’t your trick!?(作气愤状)

P:（作阳痿状）Mummy, it’s not my fault.Old king let me massage his back.Hei Hei(作心虚状，以掩饰内心的恐惧)

M: I don’t believe it.(作严肃状)Dad, isn’t really that?(询问K)

K: Yes, of course, I can’t image a child only 5 year old, can massage so good.Oh„„.(释然状，因为圆了我的谎)

M: Really.I don’t believe the litter pirate can massage, who taught him.(作怀疑状)Dear, isn’t you ?

F: No, I haven’t, but I decide to enjoy his massage another day, Do you think so, dear?

M: Yes, really a good suggestion.（P，D作惊恐状。A：发抖，D：挥汗)

（P挡着电视怕被M、F发现，K也为P作掩饰）

P: Mummy, Do you feel a little cold?

K: Yes, I can feel it.(边挥汗边说冷)

M: No, it’s summer.Really hot, do you catch cold?

P: No, No, just my feeling.(更加发抖，一不小心被B看到了电视)

M: Pirate, what’s behind you?(疑问状)

P: Oh, nothing, nothing!(作惊恐状)

M: Move away.little Pirate!(作气愤状)

P: Oh no!The storm will come.(捂脸作害怕状)

M: Caribbean Pirate!What’s a bad film!Little Pirate!?(气愤状)

P: Mummy, I surrender.(作投降状)

M: Daddy ,this film is unfit for him , it is full of killing，force and negative passion, and it will let him become bad!

K: I know that, but I meat to let him watch Tom and Jerry and he like it very much.Yes? Pirate?(想转移话题与Pirate站在同一战线)

P: Yes, a very clever mouse and a stupid cat.(作博学状)

M: Dad, don’t let him watch so much TV, it wastes a lot of time, and it is bad for his eyesight.He may become short-sighted.(诚恳状)

第三篇：滑稽双簧剧本

甲：我们二人给大家带来一段滑稽双簧，按常规我先化个小壮，像不像三分样。（化妆；开始表演）

观众朋友你听我讲，欣赏双簧是最理想，有说有笑有模样，首先请你们鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌……

甲：出来，我想给你一巴掌，还没有表演呢，就让大家鼓掌。

乙：鼓掌热闹啊！

甲：你表演好，大家自然而然会给你鼓掌。

乙：哦，这样的甲：再来，热闹的乙：好嘞！

春节到，好热闹，我在油库里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩……

甲：出来，你真的想死吧？ 在油库放鞭炮 啊！

乙：那你说在哪放？

甲：除了油库什么库都可以。

乙：哦，这可是你说的哦！

甲：恩。

春节到，好热闹，我在短裤里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩……

甲：出来，唉你说你缺德不缺德啊？

乙：这不是你自己说除了油库什么库都可以的嘛！

甲：水库，水库安全，不容易发生火灾

乙：好水库就水库！

春节到，好热闹，我在油库里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩……嘿嘿……这个，太小了，我换一个大点儿的…可……西西西……啵。叭叭……嘿嘿，真好玩，我换一个更大点儿的…可……西西西…西西西…西西西…西西西……嗯？……嗯？西…………啵……叭叭！嘿嘿，真好玩，我再给观众来个更大点的…… 甲：出来，你小子缺德不缺德啊？你炸完评委还想炸观众。

乙：这不是观众的掌声不够热烈嘛！

甲：嘿嘿，看来观众还是明智的。听这掌声，不表演都不好意思了哦。

乙：行，来吧！

我叫何翠花，今年二十八，怀孕九月大，眼看就要临盆了，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦。咣咣咣，扑，一个。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，扑，两个。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，扑，五个。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，扑，十个。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦……

甲：给我出来，你是生小孩还是生小猪呢？

乙：哎呀，我忘记你是个男的了，把你当女的了，对这儿没有经验！

甲：这女的也没有你这样的啊！

乙：那我们再换一个？

甲：行

我叫马小哈，今年四岁了，出来逛大街，不见我爸爸，爸爸、爸爸、爸爸，你是不是老子爸爸、你是不是老子爸爸？……

甲：出来出来，我怎么敢跟我爸称老子呢？

乙：那你所我我该怎么说？

甲：你应该说你是不是我爸爸

乙：啊？

甲：你是不是我爸爸

乙：啊？本文转自：http://咖啡吧剧本网

甲：你是不是我爸爸

乙：这个嘛，如果你不介意的话，可以是！

甲：去你的！

乙：哎呀，不好意思，开个玩笑嘛！咱们继续演节目。

甲：我不演了，坚决不演了。

乙：你说下面观众这么期待，你能不演么？再说了，如果你走了我一个人怎么演啊？

甲：要我演可以，但是你演前脸我演后脸。（看我不整死他……）

乙：行，来吧！

各位落座沉住气听我二人来段老话剧，剧情说的是表兄妹，依依不舍难分离。哦，亲爱的表妹，我就要离开你；哦，亲爱的表哥，你要到哪里去？哦，亲爱的表妹，我要到湖北卫视表演去；哦，亲爱的表哥，我不让你走；不，我必须得走；嗯，我不让你走嘛；不，我马上就走；嗯，不让你走，就不让你走嘛，嗯……嗯……嗯……嗯嗯嗯……（摔倒）

甲：哎呦喂，你还是让他走吧。

乙：为什么呀？

甲：再不走我的腰可要断了！

乙：嘿，至于吗？

第四篇：滑稽双簧剧本

甲：我们二人给大家带来一段滑稽双簧，按常规我先化个小壮，像不像三分样。（化妆；开始表演）观众朋友你听我讲，欣赏双簧是最理想，有说有笑有模样，首先请你们鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌……

甲：出来，我想给你一巴掌，还没有表演呢，就让大家鼓掌。乙：鼓掌热闹啊！

甲：你表演好，大家自然而然会给你鼓掌。乙：哦，这样的 甲：再来，热闹的 乙：好嘞！

春节到，好热闹，我在油库里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩…… 甲：出来，你真的想死吧？ 在油库放鞭炮 啊！乙：那你说在哪放？ 甲：除了油库什么库都可以。乙：哦，这可是你说的哦！甲：恩。

春节到，好热闹，我在短裤里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩…… 甲：出来，唉你说你缺德不缺德啊？

乙：这不是你自己说除了油库什么库都可以的嘛！甲：水库，水库安全，不容易发生火灾 乙：好水库就水库！

春节到，好热闹，我在水库里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩……嘿嘿……这个，太小了，我换一个大点儿的…可……西西西……啵。叭叭……嘿嘿，真好玩，我换一个更大点儿的…可……西西西…西西西…西西西…西西西……嗯？……嗯？西…………啵……叭叭！嘿嘿，真好玩，我再给观众来个更大点的…… 甲：出来，你小子缺德不缺德啊？你炸完评委还想炸观众。乙：这不是观众的掌声不够热烈嘛！

甲：嘿嘿，看来观众还是明智的。听这掌声，不表演都不好意思了哦。乙：行，来吧！

我叫何翠花，今年二十八，怀孕九月大，眼看就要临盆了，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦。咣咣咣，扑，一个。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，扑，两个。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，扑，五个。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，扑，十个。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦…… 甲：给我出来，你是生小孩还是生小猪呢？

乙：哎呀，我忘记你是个男的了，把你当女的了，对这儿没有经验！甲：这女的也没有你这样的啊！乙：那我们再换一个？ 甲：行

我叫马小哈，今年四岁了，出来逛大街，不见我爸爸，爸爸、爸爸、爸爸，你是不是老子爸爸、你是不是老子爸爸？……

甲：出来出来，我怎么敢跟我爸称老子呢？ 乙：那你所我我该怎么说？ 甲：你应该说你是不是我爸爸 乙：啊？

甲：你是不是我爸爸

乙：啊？本文转自：http://咖啡吧剧本网 甲：你是不是我爸爸 乙：这个嘛，如果你不介意的话，可以是！甲：去你的！

乙：哎呀，不好意思，开个玩笑嘛！咱们继续演节目。甲：我不演了，坚决不演了。

乙：你说下面观众这么期待，你能不演么？再说了，如果你走了我一个人怎么演啊？ 甲：要我演可以，但是你演前脸我演后脸。（看我不整死他……）乙：行，来吧！

各位落座沉住气听我二人来段老话剧，剧情说的是表兄妹，依依不舍难分离。哦，亲爱的表妹，我就要离开你；哦，亲爱的表哥，你要到哪里去？哦，亲爱的表妹，我要到湖北卫视表演去；哦，亲爱的表哥，我不让你走；不，我必须得走；嗯，我不让你走嘛；不，我马上就走；嗯，不让你走，就不让你走嘛，嗯……嗯……嗯……嗯嗯嗯……（摔倒）甲：哎呦喂，你还是让他走吧。乙：为什么呀？

甲：再不走我的腰可要断了！乙：嘿，至于吗？

第五篇：英语-西游记英文搞笑剧本

孙悟空 Monkey(M for short)白骨精 Jenny White(J for short)唐僧 Tang Seng(T for short)黄袍怪 Yellow(Y for short)沙僧 Sha Seng(S for short)猪八戒 Pig(P for short)Act 1（J 照着镜子上台）

（这时，电话铃响了起来，J不耐烦地接过听筒，于是，一个更另她心烦的声音就在电话那头响起。）

Y: Hello!It’s me.J: I know it’s you.You call me every day，it has 400 years。Y: And today, I’ll ask the same question again.Will you marry me?(J对这位契而不舍的追求者已厌烦到了极点。)J: You wish!I get one more pimple.How bad!Y: Ah!I just call to tell you the meat of Tang Seng can make you beautiful and Tang Seng will come to our place.We can go and catch him together.J: ok ,ok,.I will have a rest.(不待Y说完，J就没好气地挂断了电话。)Y；Refuse me again.I will never give up.(说罢，好不威风的下台去了)J: How nasty he is!(她想了想，说)But Tang Seng is really good for me.（拿起一副望远镜。J便观察起T的行踪来。)J:(欢喜万分)Ah-ha，(M握着金箍棒在前面探路,打电话给T)M：Hi,master.T;monkey,where are we ? M;DaHuangZheng,JieShouShi M;Ok，we are coming.(P在前面摇摆走着，T随后，可怜S提着许多行李上台)M；master，please（指着一休息地方）

（J拿起一纸筒，把耳朵凑上去偷听T师徒四人谈话）

T: Monkey!You are great, thank you very much ,I am happy to be your teacher and......(P懒洋洋地突然打断)P: Sir!I’m so hungry.T: I’m hungry too.Monkey, go and buy some food。Don’t go to LanZhouNiurouMianGuan and LiuYiFanDian, just go to ChangQingFanDian.It is cheap。

（M点头答应，欲要离去）

T;monkey,just go to changqingfandian.M;yes sir.(欲要离去)T;monkey,wash your box.M;ok.ok(欲要离去)T;monkey,be careful M;thank you sir(欲要离去)T;monkey....(M不耐烦打断)M；you,go away(飞奔而去)

（剩余师徒三人拿出经书念起三字经，一会就睡着了。舞台另一头的J听了不禁眉开眼笑。）J: It’s a good time.（J迅速地打扮好，挎着篮子走到了T师徒的面前。P闻着香味醒了，并叫醒师傅）P: Ah, a beautiful girl.Hello!What’s in your basket? It smells nice!J: Some food for my son.《husband》-P: I’m hungry.Can I have some?

（心急的P伸手去拿篮子里的东西，J假装惊慌地护住了篮子。）T: Pig!be polite.J: You are very kind.I can give you some food.T:（双手合十）Good girl。

M: Monster!（T听到Monster一词立刻吓得晕倒在S怀中。S惊恐万分）S；master master,Pig Pig, come here M: No matter how big you are, I’ll kill you.J: How nasty you are!M: Monster!Take my stick!（M举起金箍棒就要向J的头顶击下。就在这千钧一发之际，P忽然扑上去将M拦腰抱住）P: Beauty, run!Run run.(T 逃过一劫，对各位徒弟尤其是M的拼死保护感动之至，对S说；monkey is great。情不自禁地唱起了Only You。其结果，三个土地全头痛欲裂，大吐特吐。)（终于，T唱完了）

T:(清清嗓子)Monkey, go and buy the lunch.I’m very hungry.M: Yes，master，Just stay here。（边说边画圈）。Goodbye sir.（M离开后，T等就在圈内又念起三字经，不一会打起瞌睡来，P更是鼾声震天。）（J见M走了，便又来打T的主意。她走了两步，踩到了M画的圈。）J: Ouch。

（J知道M的厉害，不敢轻举妄动。但T近在眼前，她实在不甘心放弃。她想了想，忽地计上心头，变出一盒KFC。J: Come, come Come。。

（T等仿佛着了魔似的，梦游般循着KFC的香气向圈子外走。J终于如愿地把他们引出来了。就在J的手向T伸去的时候，M赶回来了，再次将J当场抓获。）M: You again!J: You。you.How nasty you are!M: Now you cannot run!(T 刚刚清醒，看到厮杀场面，想到自己又一次有惊无险，感叹；monkey is really great。不仅又唱起了Only You。M不堪忍受此歌声，抓着J的手也放松了。J乘机溜走了。)（T唱罢，众人终于松了口气。P忽然发现M正望着J远去的方向发愣，伸手在M的眼前晃了晃，M竟然没有反应。）

P:(调侃地)Ah, you like that beautiful girl.(M 回过神来，发现自己的失态，给了P一拳。)T: Monkey, I know that woman is nice, but you can’t love her.loving girls needs time and money.you don’t have much time and much money.M: I won’t.T: That’s fine.Everybody ,are you reday?（列队齐声）：Yes sir。(音乐响起——《Nobody》)（转身跳起了nobody）