英语幽默

第一篇：英语幽默

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled(被宠坏的).His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him.He hardly left her side.And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum(乱发脾气).Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?

Cry? John asked.No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!

六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样?你过的好吗?哭了没有?哭?约翰问，不，我没哭，可老师哭了。

Englishman

Once, late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water.The servant did as he was asked.The Englishman re-entered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for a glass of water.The servant brought him another glass of water.Every few minutes the Englishmen would come out of his room and repeat his request.After a half-hour the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.“Nothing,” the Englishman answered imperturbably, “It’s simply that my room is on fire.”一个英国人

一天晚上，一个英国人从他住的旅店房间里走出来。来到走廊上，叫旅店的服务员给他拿一杯水来。服务员按他的要求做了。英国人回到了他的房间里，几分钟后 他又来到走廊上，让服务员再给他送一杯水。服务员又给他送了一杯水。每隔几分钟。英国人就走出房间重复他的要求。半小时之后．这位感到惊讶的服务员决定问问房客要这些水干什么，英国人不谎不忙地回答：”没什么．只不过是我的房间里起火了。“

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him.“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?”The Indian shrugged his shoulders.“Don't know,” he said.“Radio is broken.”

天气预报

一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说“明天下雨.”第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,“明天有风暴.”果然,第二天下了雹暴.“印度人真神,”导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.最后,导演派人去把他叫来了.“我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,”导演说,“这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?”

印度人耸了耸肩.“我不知道,”印度人说,“收音机坏了.”

第二篇：幽默英语

英语幽默对话buy you a drink?（我可以为你买一杯饮料吗？）女:Actually I'd rather have the money.（不必，我我宁愿留下那些钱.)

经典对话二：

男：Can I have your name?（直译：我能有你的名字吗？）

女：Why? Don't you already have one?（为什么？你不是已经有一个了吗？）经典对话三：

男：I'm a photographer.I've been looking for a face like yours.（我是摄影师。我一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。）

女：I'm a plastic surgeon.I've been looking for a face like yours.（我是整形外科医生。我也一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。）

经典对话四：

男：Is this seat empty?（直译：这个座位是空的吧？）

女：Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.（是的，如果你坐下，我的座位就是空的。）经典对话五：

男：Haven't I seen you some place before?（我好像以前在什么地方见过你？）

女：Yes.That's why I don't go there anymore.（是的。这就是为什么我不再去那个地方的原因。）

经典对话六：

男：Will you go out with me this Saturday?（这个星期六你想跟我出去吗？）女：Sorry.I'm having a headache this weekend.（抱歉。这个周末我头疼。）经典对话七：

男：I think I could make you very happy.（我想我能让你非常快乐。）

女：Why? Are you leaving?（是吗？你是说你要离开？）

第三篇：幽默英语脑筋急转弯

搞笑英语脑筋急转弯

1.Why are people tired on April Fool's Day?(愚人节人们为什么疲倦?)

答：Because they have just had a long March.(因为他们刚过了长长的三月。March 三月;行军)

2.What weather do mice and rats fear?(老鼠害怕什么天气?)

答：When it's raining cats and dogs.(下大雨。rain cats and dogs 下大雨)

3.When do dogs refuse to follow their masters?(狗什么时候不愿跟随主人?)

答：When their masters go to the flea market.(主人去跳蚤市场时。Flea 跳蚤 flea market 旧货市场)

4.What question can never be answered by “yes”?(哪个问题永远不能回答“是的”?)

答：Are you asleep?(你睡着了吗)

经典笑话http://www.xiexiebang.com

5.What tree is always very sad?(哪种树总是很伤心?)

答：Weeping willow.(垂柳 weep哭泣 willow柳树)

6.When can you get water with a net?(什么时候可以用网兜装水?)

答：When water is turned into ice.(当水结成冰时)

7.Why is the pig always eating?猪为什么没完没了地吃?

答：He's making a hog of himself.它想成为一只肉猪。

8.What's the longest word in the world?世界上最长的单词是什么?

答：Smiles.Because there's a mile between the letter 's'.微笑。因为两个字母S中间隔了一里。

9.What question is that to which you must always answer “yes”? 什么问题你只能回答“yes”?

答：“What does y-e-s spell?”(当别人问你)“yes”怎么拼?

10.Where were you when the power was cut off? 当停电的时候你在哪? 答：In the darkness.在黑暗中。

1.What will you break once you say it?(什么东西一说出来就打破？)2.Will liars be honest after they die?(骗子死了之后会诚实吗？)3.What always goes up and never goes down?(什么东西只升不降？)4.Why did the boy make his dog sit in the sun?(男孩为什么让他的狗坐在阳光下？)

5.Why can a bride hide nothing?(为什么新娘子什么也藏不住？)6.Why is the library the highest building?(为什么图书馆是最高的建筑物？)7.What is the smallest bridge in the world?(世界上最小的桥梁是什么？)8.What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole?(北极与南极的区别是什么？)9.What makes naughty boys long to work in a clock factory?(淘气的男孩为什么想去钟表厂工作？)10.What bird lifts heavy things?(什么鸟能举起重物？)11.A ship can contain only fifty persons.Now there is alreadyforty-nine person in it.At this time,a pregnant woman comes on andboards the ship.The shipsinks.Why?(有一艘船只能容纳50人，现在已有49人。这时一位孕妇上了船，船就沉了。为什么？)12.What's the poorest bank in the world?(世界的最贫穷的银行是什么？)13.What month do soldiers hate?(军人憎恨什么月？)答案Answers: 1.Silence.(沉默)2.No, they won’t.They lie still after they die。(不会，他们依旧撒谎。Lie still 躺着不动，依旧撒谎。)3.Your age.(你的年龄)4.He wants to have a hot dog.(他想要一条热狗。)5.Because someone will give her away.(因为有人会揭发她。Give away 揭发，在婚礼上把新娘交给新郎)6.It has the most stories.(它的楼层最多。Story 故事，楼层)7.The bridge of a nose.(鼻梁)8.A whole world.(整个世界。a world of difference 天壤之别)

9.They want to make faces.(make face 做鬼脸，做钟表面)10.Crane.(鹤。Crane鹤，举重机)11.Because is a pigboat.(那是潜水艇。pigboat，潜水艇)12.The river bank。(河岸。)13.March。(行军。)

1.What will you break once you say it? 什么东西一说出来就打破？ 2.Will liars be honest after they die? 骗子死了之后会诚实吗？

3.What always goes up and never goes down? 什么东西只升不降？

4.Why did the boy make his dog sit in the sun? 男孩为什么让他的狗坐在阳光下？ 5.Why can a bride hide nothing? 为什么新娘子什么也藏不住？ 6.Why is the library the highest building? 为什么图书馆是最高的建筑物？ 7.What is the smallest bridge in the world? 世界上最小的桥梁是什么？

8.What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole? 北极与南极的区别是什么？

9.What makes naughty boys long to work in a clock factory? 淘气的男孩为什么想去钟表厂工作？ 10.What bird lifts heavy things? 什么鸟能举起重物？

11.A ship can contain only fifty persons.Now there is already forty-nine persons in it.At this time,a pregnant woman comes on and boards the ship.The ship sinks.Why? 有一艘船只能容纳50人,现在已有49人。这时一位孕妇上了船,船就沉了。为什么? 12.Why is the comet like Micky Mouse? 为什么是彗星像米老鼠？

13.Who is closer to you, your mom or your dad? 谁跟你比较亲密,你的妈妈或你的爸爸? 14.What's the poorest bank in the world?

世界的最贫穷的银行是什么? 15.What month do soldiers hate? 军人憎恨什么月? 16.An old woman has lived in one-story house before.Her body is very short.Afterwards,she moves into a big building and lives in the ninth story.However, when she comes back home each time,she always takes an elevator to the sixth story and gets off,then she walks to the ninth story.Why? 有位老妇人,从前住平房,并且个子非常矮,后来她搬进了一个很高的楼里,住在第九层,但是她每次回家,她总是乘电梯到第六层就下来,然后走到第九层.为什么?

答案： 1.Silence.沉默

2.No, they won't.They lie still after they die.不会，他们依旧撒谎。Lie still 躺着不动，依旧撒谎。3.Your age.你的年龄

4.He wants to have a hot dog.他想要一条热狗。5.Because someone will give her away.因为有人会揭发她。Give away 揭发，在婚礼上把新娘交给新郎 6.It has the most stories.它的楼层最多。Story 故事，楼层 7.The bridge of a nose.鼻梁

8.A whole world.整个世界。a world of difference 天壤之别 9.They want to make faces.make face 做鬼脸，做钟表面

10.Crane.鹤。Crane鹤，举重机

11.Because is a pigboat.那是潜水艇。pigboat,潜水艇 12.Because it is a star with a tail.因为它是有尾巴的星星。13.Mom is closer, because Dad is father（farther）.因为爸爸是父亲 , 所以妈妈比较靠近。14.The river bank.河岸。15.March.行军.16.Because she was too short to press the ninth button.她太矮了不能按到第九层的按钮.Q:What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail.It carries its house on its back.因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day.一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake.怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

1）----Who is closer to you，your mom or your dad ?(爸爸和妈妈谁和你更近？）

—— Mom is closer because d

（2）----What fruit is never found singly ?(什么水果永远不会是单个的？）

——

（3）----Why are young men unwilling to date the daughter of the Fortunes ?(年轻人为什么不愿意和福琼家女儿约会？）

——

注: 以上脑筋急转弯泛采用了同音词（homonyms）:（1）“father”（父亲）与“farther”（更远）（2）“pear”（梨）音同“pair”（一对），（3）“Miss Fortune”音同“misfortune”（不幸）http://www.xiexiebang.com（4）Why is an empty matchbox the best thing to have in the world ?(为什么空火柴盒是世界上最好的东西？）——

（5）Why did little Tom put his brother's guitar in the refrigerator ?(小汤姆为什么把哥哥的吉他放在冰箱里？）——

（6）What stays hot even if put it in a fridge?(什么东西即使放在冰箱里也热？）——

注: 以上脑筋急转弯大量运用了双关语（puns）：

（4）“matchless”既可理解为“没有火柴的”，又可理解为“举世无双的，无可匹敌的”；

（5）“cool”可表示“冷的、凉的”，也可指“棒、时髦、美妙的”；（6）“hot”有两个意思：“热”、“辣”。

第四篇：英语小幽默

Joke:Bill, AL and Bill

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.They're up in heaven, and God`s sitting on the great white throne.God addressed Al first.“Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replied, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used,the whole earth will become a

greenhouse and we`ll all die.” God thinks for a second and said, “Okay, I can live with that.Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill Clinton.“Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people.I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.I also believe in feeling people`s pain.” God thinks for a second and says

“Okay, that sounds good.Come and sit at my right.”

God then address Bill Gates.“Bill Gates, what do you believe in?”

Bill Gates said, “I believe you`re in my chair.”

人之初：At the begining of life.性本善：Sex is good.性相近：Basically,all the sex are same.习相远：But it depends on how the way you do it.苟不教：If you do not practise all the time.性乃迁：Sex will leave you..教之道：The way of learning it

贵以专：is very important to make love with only one person.昔孟母：Once a great mother, Mrs Meng

择邻处：chose her neighbour to avoid bad sex influence.子不学：If you don't study hard,断机杼：Your Dick will become useless.窦燕山 Dou, the Famous

有义方 owned a very effective exciting medicine

教五子 All his five son took it

名俱扬 and their sexual ability were well-kown.养不教 If your children don't know how to do it,父之过 It is all your fault.教不严 If they had lots of problems with it,师之惰 their teach must be too lazy to tell them details on sex.子不学 You may refuse to study this

非所宜 but that is a real mistake

幼不学 If you don't learn it in childhood,老何为 you will lose your ability when aged

玉不琢 If you don't exercise your dick,不成器 It won't become hard and strong.人不学 If you don't learn sex,不知义 You can by no means enjoy its sweetness

Bush got something wrong with his brain.After medical examination, doctor tells him:

Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right.Your left brain has nothing right,Your right brain has nothing left.Old Man And Donkey

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey.They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such asmall boy walk.The two decided that maybe they both should walk.Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

第五篇：简短幽默英语自我介绍

简短幽默英语自我介绍

简短幽默英语自我介绍1

1、原文

Hello, everyone!My name is xxx. Im a 15 years old girl. I live in the beautiful city of Rizhao.

Im an active, lovely, and clever girl. In the school my favorite subject is math. Perhaps someone thinks its difficult to study well. But I like it. I believe that if you try your best, everything can be done well.

I also like sports very much. Such as, running, volleyball and so on. Im kind-hearted. If you need help, please come to me.I hope we can be good friends!

OK. This is me .A sunny girl.

2、翻译

大家好!我是xx。一个15岁的女孩。我来自美丽的城市日照。

我是一个活跃的，可爱的.，聪明的女孩。在学校我最喜欢的科目是数学。也许有人认为它很难学习好。但我喜欢它。我相信如果你尽你最大的努力，一切都可以做得很好。

我也非常喜欢运动。例如，跑步、排球等等。我是善良的。如果你需要帮助，请到我这里来。我希望我们能成为好朋友!

好的。这就是我。一个阳光明媚的女孩。

简短幽默英语自我介绍2

Hello，everyone.My name is Zhangya。I‘m twelve years old as one student of the Grade Six Class Tree at the No .56 middle school in the city of PingDingShan.I am a lively girl.I like drawing,riding bike and surfing the internet.I have many friends,the best is Du Xingyue.

There are father,mother,elder sister and me in my family.My mom is a housewife.My father is a worker.My elder sister is a university student.My family is very happy.They all love me and i also love them.

简短幽默英语自我介绍3

Hi,everybody. Good to be here. Facing the audience, a thought occured to me. Mama has alway told me not to make a fool in public. But somehow I just couldn't follow what she said exactly. Well some people always treat me as a crazy loon. For I'm never part of any crowd and have some dreams far-off look.

I'd even crash into someone with my nose stuck in a book. Now I'm standing on the stage, giving a speech in English. Circumstance being that I'm pretty nervous. Maybe some guy would just think that it'd embarass me as frightened speechless. Never mind. I'm always good for a laugh.

简短幽默英语自我介绍4

Self-introductionHello everyone! My is......, from Qinzhou. I’m so glad to meet you, and I’m currently a student at Guangxi Textile Industrial School. my major is knitting. It’s my pleasure to join the CHAMPION training camp, because I love English and I hope I can learn something in the training for my future work. As we all know English is very useful in every field.

My English is limited that’s why I’m here. I know it’s a huge challenge for me to conquer English, but I believe that “No pains, no gains, success belongs to the persevering”, I hope I can learn more from you, Thank you!

简短幽默英语自我介绍5

Good evening,I know it's 3:00pm now,But I always what to say good evening.People always call me XXX.I think if I have a choice.I would tell my parents I want to be called XX.Ok,it's a joke.To be in this class is a wonderful thing.Because god has told me that we will be the NO.1 during the next 3 years.

Fine, I shouldn't tell you this because god also has told me not to tell others.I like making friends with others a lot.So I think we will have a very good time together.But, don't expect me to tell you how to talk to god.Thank you.