第一篇：黄西Joe Wong演讲原文及注释(修正版)（推荐）
黄西Joe Wong演讲原文及注释（修正版）
2010年4月27日 duo 3 条评论
不是翻译，只是部分注释，原文黑色，注释蓝色
My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时 选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客 合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。I grew up in China.Who didn’t?
我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美 国。
Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就 是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。另外提到rice paddy，呼应后文自己在rice university读phd。
My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”
形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸 张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。
In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好，因为前面提到rice paddy，所以强调一下这个不是笑话，是真的。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身的矛盾是一个笑点。
We always wanted my son to become the president.We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!” 此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；间接表达了中国是美国的债权国，属于monologue常用技 巧：政治时事热点就那么几条，关键是能够委婉间接的通过不同的段子说到这个点上。After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh„, two ways of coming to the US?” 我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用 移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。
Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。
I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”
这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。
We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。这里提到皮特和朱莉可 以做两种解释:一是自传的文字都可以用来形容明星了，二是若将自传拍成电影的话得请他俩来出演才够格。
We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.I once wrote for the campus newspaper.Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)” ,my point exactly.马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者 是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，na这个词y常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比 奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。my point exactly，这正是我想说的，是用这个蹩脚的双关来解释共和党近一年来的表现：对奥巴马的几乎所有提案都持反对票，同时讽刺一下他们的动机：就是为了 反对而反对。This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性 比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会 议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。
I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event.I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform.Take that Stephen Colbert!Obama has been accused of being too soft.But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it.You can’t get more bad-ass than that!The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把 奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。take that Stephen Colbert相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧。
I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!We won the World Series every year!讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。
After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.I have to explain a little here.I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，负负得正，joe在其他节目里还说过下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。
So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too? I understand that Americans are suffering.My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”
这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。
网上很多人说这个who也指hu主席，我觉得没有这层意思，就是 我在乎V.S.谁tm在乎呢
If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:”Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!” 同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇 有笑果。
I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.不断地调侃总统副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在《full house》里。
Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.如果当选，我将找到治疗自然死亡的方法，讽刺一下美国总统的大选的诸多空头承诺，很多不可能实现的。
pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。
I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.无厘头的解决全球变暖方法。最后一句是08年美国的经典段子，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采 访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。
On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are making nuclear weapons!But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”
I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。
第二篇：黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释
My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。
I grew up in China.Who didn’t?
我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。
Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。
My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn’t do it right.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”
形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。
I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是很一个矛盾。
And like many other immigrants, We always wanted my son to become the president of this country.We try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English outside in public.Which is really a tough to do because many times.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you
don’t speak English, go home??” He said to me, “hi, dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president of United States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”
此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a citizen, I had to take those American history lessons where they ask questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the United Sates?”
我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。
Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。
I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”
这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。
We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。
So, I , to be honest to be here tonight.And I have prepared for months.Eh, for tonight show and I showed the White House, my joke about president Obama.And that is way he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert.And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it.You can’t be badass than that.Well, actually, I am thinking the only way you can more badass than that is it you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.讽刺奥巴马的诺贝尔和平奖奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧
We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.Because I used to wrote for the campus newspaper.I think Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you say it, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”
马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。
My point exactly, today is my first time on C-SPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and 3!
PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。
I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!Because we won the World Series every year!
讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。
After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “guess we can” That was their slogan.当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。
After getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have to take step back and explain a little bit.You know because I had always been morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。
You maybe saying what would be your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too, ok so I understand that American people are suffering.So My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”
这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。
If elected, I would make same sex marriage not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:” Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”
同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。
I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the president and the vice president, the Olson twins.不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。
Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one, but you won’t be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。
I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美国的经典，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。
On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;and open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building nuclear weapons!But you are doing it wrong, LOL!”
I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for having me here tonight!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。
第三篇：黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释
My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。
I grew up in China.Who didn’t?
我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。
Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。
My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn’t do it right.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”
形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。
I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是很一个矛盾。
And like many other immigrants, We always wanted my son to become the president of this country.We try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English outside in public.Which is really a tough to do because many times.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home??” He said to me, “hi, dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president of United States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”
此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a citizen, I had to take those American history lessons where they ask questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the United States?”
我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。
Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。
I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”
这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。
We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。
So, I , to be honest to be here tonight.And I have prepared for months.Eh, for tonight show and I showed the White House, my joke about president Obama.And that is way he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert.And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it.You can’t be badass than that.Well, actually, I am thinking the only way you can more badass than that is it you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.讽刺奥巴马的诺贝尔和平奖奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧
We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.Because I used to wrote for the campus newspaper.I think Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you say it, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”
马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。
My point exactly, today is my first time on C-SPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and 3!
PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。
I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!Because we won the World Series every year!
讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。
After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “yes we can” That was their slogan.当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。
After getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have to take step back and explain a little bit.You know because I had always been morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。
You maybe saying what would be your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too, ok so I understand that American people are suffering.So My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”
这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。
If elected, I would make same sex marriage not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:” Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”
同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。
I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the president and the vice president, the Olson twins.不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。
Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one, but you won’t be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。
I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美国的经典，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。
On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;and open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building nuclear weapons!But you are doing it wrong, LOL!”
I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for having me here tonight!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。
口音很重，但词汇量惊人！
“I can see Russia
from my back yard”这个说他来自中国来，能在后院看到俄罗斯。这句话引用Sara Palin的，当时Palin和McCain争夺共和党候选人的时候，Palin说她来自阿拉斯加，能在后
院就看到俄罗斯。
You had me at
“yes, we can”,有一句很有名的台词（来自《Jerry Maguire》）you had me at 'hello.'“ 是一个爱人对她情侣说的，就是说她一见钟情（从你说”你好“以后，我就爱上你了）。Joe Wang
把这句改成”you had me at 'yes we can'。“yes we can”是奥巴马竞选用的一个口号，所以这个说法意味着他对奥巴马一见钟情，而且有副总统乔•拜登在旁边就更搞笑。
第四篇：黄西的演讲
2010年3月17日，黄西Joe Wong受邀在美国记者年会晚宴上表演脱口秀，一个土生土长的中国人如何在美国的记者年会上，用幽默征服了全场美国人，并当面调侃美国副总统约瑟夫·拜登(Joseph Robinette “Joe” Biden, Jr)，而他用这种幽默也带给我们思考，中国和美国到底差在哪里?中国又将怎么进步?!My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.我叫黄西，但对于大多数人来说，我叫“Who”（HU），这实际上是我妈妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡密保问题的答案。
（开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。）Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.抛开玩笑，我想重申今晚我的确是受邀而来的。
（因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。）I grew up in China.Who didn’t? 我在中国长大，谁不是呢？
（装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。）Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.我童年的大部分记忆都被童年毁了。我上小学时，作为课程的一部分，我要在稻田劳动，旁边紧挨着一个采石场，他们常常要用炸药来炸开石头。我就是从那里了解了光比声音传播速度快的，因为声音总是和飞石差不多一样的速度。
（主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。）
My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”
我爸爸脾气暴躁，但他偶尔会开个玩笑，给我点鼓励。我7岁的时候他跟我说，“儿子，你知道为什么豆腐比集中的社会主义经济好吗？”5分钟后我问“为什么？”他告诉我：“因为是老子说的。”
（形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。）In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.1994年，我来到美国在德州的莱斯大学学习。此处不是笑话，现在是了。我开着一辆二手车，保险杠上贴满了撕不下去的标签，其中一个写道“如果你不会讲英语，滚回家吧！”我直到两年后才明白它的意思。
（That wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是一个矛盾。）
We always wanted my son to become the president.We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”
我们总是幻想有一天自己的儿子成为总统。我们给他双语的教育，让他在家讲中文，到公共场合说英语。可有时候我不得不在公共场合对他说，“如果你不讲英语，滚回家吧！”他就会说，“我为什么要学两种语言呢？”我告诉他，“当你成为总统以后，你必须要用英语来签署法案，用中文和你的债权国对话。”
（此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。）
After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”
从莱斯大学毕业后，我决定留在美国，因为有一件事我在中国肯定不如在美国能做得更好——具有民族特色。为了成为美国公民，我们移民必须要学习美国历史，很多问题诸如“本杰明·富兰克林是谁？” 我们想“啊...导致我们便利店被劫的原因？” “第二修正案是什么？” 我们就“啊...导致我们便利店被劫的原因？” “Roe vs Wade是什么？” 我们又“啊...来到美国的两种途径？”
（用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。）
Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.之后我读了很多关于美国历史的书，以至于我都产生了白人负罪感。在美国人人生而平等，但出生后，就要看父母对子女在教育和医疗上的支付能力了。
（这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。）I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”.我在《男人健康》杂志上看到奥巴马总统每周都有两天做有氧运动，四天做举重锻炼。我不用健身的，因为我有医疗保险。我住在马萨诸塞州，提供统一医疗保险，之后Scott Brown当上议员，说得有点乱，我想有部电影是关于Brown议员的，叫《Kill Bill》。
（这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。）
We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.拜登副总统也出席了今晚的晚宴。我曾经读过您的自传，现在终于有幸见到您，我觉得还是书上的更好看一些，他们应该让布拉德·皮特或是安吉丽娜·茱丽来出演您的故事。（美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。）We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.I once wrote for the campus newspaper.Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”
今晚还有很多著名的新闻界认识，我把你们看做我的同事，因为我也曾经为校报写过报道。我认为新闻媒体是双关语最后的避难所。只有在报纸上我才可以说，“我出生在马年，所以我是个反对派。”
（马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。）This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!今天我第一次上CSPAN频道，当我受不了PBS和QVC频道太过煽动的节目时我常常要看CSPAN。要是看完CSPAN我还睡不着觉的话，还有CSPAN-2和CSPAN-3嘛！（PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。）
I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event.I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform.Take that Stephen Colbert!Obama has been accused of being too soft.But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it.You can’t get more bad-ass than that!The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.我受到今晚活动的邀请的确很激动。我曾在总统面前表演过我的笑话，这就是为什么奥巴马总统决定今晚不来了，据说他都开始考虑移民改革了。Stephen Colbert，看到了吧！奥巴马被批评过于软弱，但他正指导着两场战争，还被授予了诺贝尔和平奖，而且他竟然还接受了。没有比这更滑稽的了！或许要做到比这更荒谬的事只能是把得来的和平奖金再捐给军队吧。
（奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛吧。）
I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!We won the World Series every year!我终于在2008年成为了美国公民，谢谢各位！美国是老大，这是真的，我们每年不都是联赛冠军嘛！
（讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。）
After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.成为美国公民后，我立即注册投票给了奥巴马和拜登。（对着拜登说）不客气。你们那句“Yes we can”打动了我。这是他们的竞选口号。
After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.I have to explain a little here.I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.帮助他们获胜后，我内心的力量涌动，开始思考或许自己也可以角逐总统这个职位。我需要在这里稍作解释下，我一直是个抑郁悲观的人，我认为人生就好像在漆黑的冬夜在雪地里小便，你或许能做些许变化，但真的很难预言。现在我们有了一位一半白人血统、一半黑人血统的总统，这给了我很大希望，因为我是一半非白人血统、一半非黑人血统，负负得正嘛！（Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。）
So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too? I understand that Americans are suffering.My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”
所以我的美国同胞们，你们或许想知道我的竞选口号是什么。你想，我在过去的十年里度过了整整十个春秋，你们也是啊？我知道美国人日子不好过，因此我的口号就是“Hu cares!(Who cares！)” If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:”Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”
如果我当选，我会让同性婚姻不仅合法，而且必须，这样我会得到很多年轻选民的票。我现在已经结婚了，但我过去真的很恐惧婚姻，我常常想“天哪，竟有一半的婚姻最终是走过一生的！”
I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.我会设法减少失业，方法是减少美国人的生产效率，让两个人干一个人的活，就像副总统和总统这样，或者是Olson双胞胎这样。
（不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。）
Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.除了心脏病和癌症，大多数美国人都是死于自然死亡，如果我当选，我会设法找到治愈自然死亡的方法，当然这是无法获得医疗保险的，我们会在你买保险前检查你的身体状况。（pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。）
I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.我有一个解决全球变暖的最快办法，我会要求将华氏温度改为摄氏温度，原先100度，现在变成40度啦。不客气。我在外交方面也有一套，因为我来自中国，我可以在后院监视俄罗斯。
On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are making nuclear weapons!But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”
提到外交政策，我认为单边主义代价太大，开放对话进程缓慢。如果我当选，我会采取发短信的方式。我会给我们的盟国发去短信，简答的打声招呼；给我们的敌人发去短信，当他们开车的时候，“哦天哪，你正在制作核武器，但你做得不对，大笑”。
I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.Thank you.我要感谢美国记者协会今天对我的邀请和给予的殊荣，这是我第一次希望我3岁的儿子能知道他的父亲在做什么。谢谢大家！
第五篇：学记原文及注释
学记原文及注释
【原文】发虑宪，求善良，足以謏（小）闻，不足以动众。就贤体远，足以动众，不足以化民。君子如欲化民成俗；其必由学乎。【译文】为王者在发布法律政令的时候能够深谋远虑，并且招纳贤良之人帮助自己来治理国事，只可以博得一点小小名气的，但是还不能够打动民众的心。为王者如果能够亲贤人，关爱贫贱出身的寒士，就可以打动民众的心了，但是还不能教化人民。为王者如果想要教化人民，培养良好的风俗，看来只有通过兴办学校教育才能实行。
【原文】玉不琢，不成器；人不学，不知道。是故，古之王者，建国君民，教学为先。兑命曰：“念终典于学”，其此之谓乎！
【译文】玉石不经过雕琢，是不能成为玉器的；同样，人们不通过学习，就不能够懂得道理。所以，古时候的帝王，建立国家，统治人民，无不先从教育入手。《尚书•兑命篇》说：“念终典于学”，（要自始至终常常想到学习）就是这个意思吧！
【原文】虽有嘉肴，弗食不知其旨也；虽有至道，弗学不知其善也。是故，学然后知不足，教然后知困。
【译文】即使有了美味的菜肴，不吃是不能知道它的美味的；即使有了最好的道理，不学习是不能知道它的好处的。所以说：学习过后才知道自己的不足，教人之后才发现自己的学识不通达。【原文】知不足，然后能自反也；知困，然后能自强也。故曰：教学相长也。兑命曰：“学（xiao，四声，教人）学半”，其此之谓乎！
【译文】知道不够，然后才能反省自己，努力向学。知道有困难不通达，然后才能自我勉励，发奋图强。所以说：教与学相辅相成的。尚书·兑命篇》说：“学学半”（教别人能够收到一半学习的效果，教学互进），就是这个意思吧。
【原文】古之教，家有塾，党有庠，术有序，国有学。比年入学，中年考校。一年视离经辨志；三年视敬业乐群；五年视博习亲师；七年视论学取友；谓之小成。九年知类通达，强立而不返，谓之大成。
【译文】古时候的教育制度是：一家中设有私塾，一党中设有庠（五百家为党），一个遂中设有序（一万两千五百家为遂），一国之中设有太学。每年都有新生入学，隔年考试一次。入学一年之后，考经文的句读，辨别志向所趋；三年考察学生是否尊重专注于学业，乐于与人群相处；五年考察学生是否博学笃行，亲近师长；七年时考察学生在学术上是否有独到的见解，及对朋友的选择，这时候可以称之为小成。九年时知识通达，能够触类旁通，遇事不惑而且不违背师训，就可以称之为大成。
【原文】夫然后足以化民成俗，近者说服而远者怀之，此大学之道也。记曰：“蛾子时术之”，其此之谓乎！
【译文】这样之后才能收到教化人民，移风易俗的效果，使跟前的人心悦诚服，远方的人向往来归，这就是大学施教的过程。古书说：“幼小的蚂蚁也都要时常去学习衔土的事情才能筑起大垤（die二声）”岂不正好说明了这层道理吗！
【原文】大学始教，皮弁（bian四声，古代男子戴的帽子，低级武职名称）祭菜，示敬道也。宵雅肄（yì）三，官其始也。入学鼓箧（qie四声，小箱子），孙（逊）其业也。夏楚二物，收其威也。未卜禘（di四声，古代一种祭祀）不视学，游其志也。时观而弗语，存其心也。幼者听而弗问，学不踖（ji二声，踧踖，惊恐不安的样子）等也。此七者,教之大伦也。【译文】大学开学的时候，学生都穿著礼服，以苹藻之菜祭祀先圣先师，表示尊师重道；先练习《诗•小雅》中《鹿鸣》、《四牡》、《皇皇者华》三首诗歌，为的是使他们从开头就培养做官的兴趣。；击鼓召集学生，正式打开书箧（书包），希望学生以谦逊谨慎的态度学习；夏楚两物（教鞭）是用来警惕鞭策学生，收到整肃威仪的效果；夏天的大祭（天子祭天）未实施以前，天子、诸侯不急着到学校去视察，为的是让学生有充足的时间发展志向；教师常常观察学生，但是并不轻易发言，等到适当的时候再加以指导，为的是培养学生自己用心思考的习惯；至于年幼的学生只听不问，为的是使他们循序渐进地而不越级地学习。这七项是教学的基本纲领。【原文】记曰：“凡学，官先事，士先志”，其此之谓乎。【译文】古书上说：“在教育这件事上，教师的责任首先在于尽职，学生的责任首先在于立志”，就是这个意思吧。
【原文】大学之教也：时教必有正业，退息必有居学。不学操缦（man四声，没有花纹的丝织品），不能安弦；不学博依，不能安诗；不学杂服；不能安礼。不兴其艺，不能乐学。故君子之于学也，藏焉修焉，自焉游焉。夫然后安其学而亲其师，乐其友而信其道，是以虽离师辅而不反也。
【译文】大学进行教育的办法是：在规定的时间进行正课，休息的时候也有种种课外作业。学习要有方法，如果不从『操、缦』这些小曲学起，指法不纯熟，琴、瑟就弹不好；不从通晓鸟兽草木，天时人事学会譬喻，诗就作不好；不学会洒扫应对，礼节就行不恰当，对于六艺等技艺没有兴致，就提不起学习的兴趣。所以君子在学习方面，要藏之于心，表现在外，不论休息或游乐的时候，都念念不忘，能够这样，才能安于学习，亲近师长；与同学相处融洽而且信奉自己所学的真理。这样做了即使离开了同学师长，也不会背弃道义。【原文】兑命曰：“敬孙（逊）务时敏，厥修乃来”，其此之谓乎！
【译文】尚书•说命篇》说：“唯有重视学业，按部就班，及时努力，学业才能有所成就”，就是这个意思吧。
【原文】今之教者，呻其占毕，多其讯言，及其数进而不顾其安。使人不由其诚，教人不尽其材。其施之也悖，其求之也佛。夫然，故隐其学而疾其师，苦其难而不知其益也，虽终其业，其去之必速。教之不刑，其此之由乎！
【译文】现在的教师，大部分都是让学生大声朗读课文而不让学生独立思考，只是烦琐的提问一味的教训灌输，而不注意学生主动精神的培养，在教学过程中，教师只顾赶速度，而不考虑学生的接受能力，教学只从教育者的愿望出发，而不考虑学生的内心需要，教师不考虑学生在个性及才能上的差异，教学一刀切，没有因材施教。对学生的教导违反情理，学生求学也违逆不顺。如此一来，使得学生愈来愈厌恶学习而且憎恶师长；以学习为难为苦，而不明白学习的快乐与好处。虽然课业勉强读完了，也很快就忘得一干二净。教育之所以不能成功，原因就在此。
【原文】大学之法：禁于未发之谓豫；当其可之谓时；不凌节而施之谓孙；相观而善之谓摩。此四者教之所由兴也。
【译文】大学进行教育的原则是这样的：坏的事情没有发生就先防止，这叫做预防；抓住时机，进行教育，这叫做及时；循序地而不越级地进行教育，这叫做顺应自然；相互学习，取长补短，这叫做切磋琢磨。这四种教学方法，是教育之所以兴盛的原因。
【原文】发然后禁，则扞(han四声，互相抵触)格而不胜。时过然后学，则勤苦而难成。杂施而不孙，则坏乱而不修。独学而无友，则孤陋而寡闻。燕朋逆其师，燕辟废其学。此六者教之所由废也。【译文】如果等到事情发生以后才去禁止，就要遭到阻力，不易纠正了；如果时机错过以后才去学习，学起来就会劳苦不堪，不易有成就了。如果不知顺应自然，胡乱施教，教育工作就会陷入混乱的境地，不能获得成效。如果孤独地学，没有朋友，见解就会狭隘，见闻就会不广。如果交友不慎，就会违背师长的教诲；如果三朋四友，尽谈不正经的事情，就会荒废学业。这六点就是教育失败的原因。
【原文】君子既知教之所由兴，又知教之所由废，然后可以为师也。故君子之教喻也：道而弗牵；强而弗抑；开而弗达。道而弗牵则和；强而弗抑则易；开而弗达则思。和易以思，可谓善喻矣。
【译文】君子知道教育之所以兴盛的原因，也明白教育之所以衰落的道理，然后就可以为人师表了。所以君子的教化是善于晓喻，让人明白道理，只加以引导，而不去强迫别人服从；对待学生严格，但并不抑制其个性的发展；加以启发，而不将结论和盘托出。只引导而不强迫，使学习的人容易亲近。教师严格而不压抑，使学生能够自由发挥，得以充分发展。只加以启发而不必全部说出，使学生能够自己思考。师生融洽，学习安易，学生又能独立思考，就是善于诱导的结果。
【原文】学者有四失，教者必知之。人之学也，或失则多，或失则寡，或失则易，或失则止。此四者心之莫同也。
【译文】学生的缺点有四种类型，教师不可以不知道。在学习中，有些学生的缺点是贪多务得，有些学生的缺点是狭隘寡闻，有些学生的缺点是轻率勇为，有些学生的缺点是畏难而止。这四类缺点的根源是因为学生的心性不同之故。
【原文】知其心，然后能救其失也。教也者，长善而救其失者也。善歌者使人继其声；善教者使人继其志。其言也，约而达，微而臧，罕譬而喻，可谓继志矣。
【译文】必须了解学生的心性，才能矫正学生的缺点。教育的作用就在于发扬学生的优点，克服学生的缺点。优秀的歌手能使听众自然而然地跟着他唱；优秀的教师能使学生自觉自愿地跟着他学。他的讲解，扼要而又透彻，精微而又妥善，举例不多，却能说明问题，可算是能使人继承其志了。
【原文】君子知至学之难易而知其美恶，然后能博喻。能博喻然后能为师。能为师然后能为长，能为长然后能为君，教师也者所以学为君也。是故择师不可不慎也。记曰：“三王四代唯其师”，其此之谓乎！
【译文】君子知道求学有难有易，并懂得人的天资有高有低，然后方能因材施教。能广泛地晓喻，然后才有能力作老师；能够作老师，才能做官长；能做官长，才能做领袖。所以能做一个好老师，就是学做领袖的开始。所以选择老师不可以不谨慎。古书说：三王（伏羲神农黄帝称三皇）四代（虞夏殷周）对老师的选择都很慎重。就是这个意思。
【作为教师既能知道学生的求学有难易的不同,就可知道他们的天资有美恶的区别.既能知道他们学习有难易,天资有美恶,就应当依照他们的程度深浅和智力高下,采取多种多样的教学方法,因势利导,广为晓喻.惟有这样才可以为人师.能为人师,也就能为地方官吏或一国首长,担负起教导人民的责任.所以教师的教人,就是要教人以“治国”“平天下”的为君之道,因此对教师不可不审慎选择.古书说:“虞夏商周各代,惟以慎选师资为重要任务.”就是这个道理】
【原文】凡学之道，严师为难。师严然后道尊，道尊然后民知敬学。是故君之所不臣于其臣者二：当其为尸，则弗臣也；当其为师，则弗臣也。大学之礼，虽诏于天子无北面，所以尊师也。
【译文】在教育工作中，最难得的是尊敬教师。尊师才能重道，重道才能使人重视学习。所以，君王在两种情形之下是不以对待臣子的态度对待臣子的：当臣子在祭礼中扮演受祭者的时候，不以对待臣子在态度对待他；当臣子担任教师的时候，也不以对待臣子的态度对待他。按照大学的礼节，教师给君王讲书是不行君臣之礼的，就是尊师之意。
【继上说明既然教师地位重要,统治者自然应该尊敬教师以示尊师重道.在上的人既能尊师重道,则求学的人自然必有感动而专心致力与学业.】
【原文】善学者师逸而功倍，又从而庸之。不善学者师勤而功半，双从而怨之。善问者如攻坚木；先其易者而后其节目；及其久也，相说以解。不善问者反此。
【译文】善于学习的人，教师花的精力不多而收效很大，学生更把功劳归诸于老师教导有方；不善学习的人，教师花的精力很多而收效很少，反而会埋怨教师。善于发问的人，[发问如同]砍伐坚硬的木材；先从容易砍的地方砍起，随后才砍木材的关节；久而久之，关节随手就可以砍开了。不善发问的人恰恰与此相反。
【原文】善待问者如撞钟：叩之以小者则小鸣，叩之以大者则大鸣，待其从容，然后尽其声，不善答问者反此。此皆进学之道也。
【译文】善于答问的人，对待发问如同对待撞钟一样；撞得轻就响得小，撞得重就响得大；从容地撞，从容地响。不善答问的人恰恰与此相反。这都是增进学问的方法。
【说明教师发问和答问的重要原则,应先易后难,由浅入深,作喻“如攻坚木”,“如撞钟”.如不遵守这些原则,就会导致“师勤而功半又从而怨之”的结果.这些提问和答问的原则仍是今天教学实践中十分宝贵的参考】
【原文】记问之学，不足以为人师，必也听语乎。力不能问，然后语之。语之而不知，虽舍之可也。
【译文】单凭一点死记硬背得来的学问，是没有资格当教师的，必须善于根据学生的问题来讲解才行。当学生没有能力提出问题的时候，才可以直接讲给他听。老师开导了，学生仍然不明白，虽然暂时放弃指导，等待将来也是可以的。
【原文】良冶之子，必学为裘；良弓之子，必学为箕（ji一声）；始驾马者反之，车在马前。君子察于此三者，可以有志于学矣，【译文】优秀的冶匠的儿子，一定先学会用皮子镶嵌成衣；优秀的弓匠的儿子，一定先学会用柳枝编织成箕；小马初学驾车相反，它是跟在车子后面的。人们懂得这三层道理，就懂得怎样做学问了。
【原文】古之学者，比物丑类。鼓无当于五声，五声弗得不和；水无当于五色，五色弗得不章；学无当于五官，五官弗得不治；师无当于五服，五服弗得不亲。
【译文】古时候的学者，能够分析比较事物的异同之处，汇整成一类。鼓并不等于五声，但若没有鼓，五声就不和谐；水并不等于五色，但若没有水，五色就不鲜明；学习并不等于五官，但若不学习，五官就不能发挥作用；教师不在五服之列，但若没有教师，五服之间的关系就不亲密。
【原文】君子曰：大德不官；大道不器；大信不约；大时不齐。察于此四者，可以有志于本矣。
【译文】君子说：“德行最高的人不限于担任某一官职；普遍的真理不限于解释某一具体事物；最守信用的人不立约就能守信；最守时刻的人无须划一就能守时。”懂得了这四层道理，就懂得做学问要从根本着手了。
【原文】三王之祭川也，皆先河而后海，或源也，或委也。此之谓务本。
【译文】三王祭祀江河的时候，都是先祭河，后祭海，就因河是本源，海是归宿。这就是重视根本的意思。
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