英文幽默故事[模版]

第一篇：英文幽默故事[模版]

英文幽默故事：

There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot.There werethree parrots in the shop.One was $5,000;another one, $10,000;and the third one, $30,000.The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That‟s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on.That‟s why he‟s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I don‟t know.Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all!But the other two call him „The Boss.‟”

老板最大 有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉，其中一只卖五千元，另一只卖一万元，还有一只卖三万元。顾客问老板：「为什么这只要卖五千元？这个价钱对这种鹦鹉来说太贵了！」老板说：「因为我有训练他讲话。」顾客又问：「那这只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「他除了会说话之外，还会表演一些有趣的动作，好比说跳舞等等，所以才卖这么贵。」顾客接着又问：「那第三只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「我不知道。我从没听过他讲话、吹口哨或唱歌，也没看过他跳舞，什么都没有！不过另外两只叫他：『老板！』」

Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg“? Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？

老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？ 学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？ 学生：在蛋糕里，先生

Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old.Once he goes to a cinema.It is the first time for him to do that.He buys a ticket and goes in.But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again.After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket.Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket.But a girl asks him,“Why do you buy so many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”

汤姆是个小孩，他才7岁。当他去电影院的时候。那时他第一次去。他买了张票进去了。但没过两三分钟他就出来了，然后买了第二张票又进去了。几分钟后他又出来买了第三张票。接着两三分钟后他又出来买票。一个女的问她，“你为什么要买那么多票啊? 你见到了几个朋友？” “没有，我里面没朋友，但是每当我进门的时候一位大的女人老把我的票给剪了”

Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do? Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery 他真是一个大人物

小孩：我叔叔下面有1000个人。

男人：他真是一个大人物。他是干什么的？ 小孩：墓地守墓人。

Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course.He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名伟人

老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？

学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。

Mr.Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇．

服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的．

Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。

父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗？

儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？

A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they‟re eight or ten years old or something like that.So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don‟t know, son.I‟m still paying.”

有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩，对方是学校的同学。八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人，然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸：「爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？」爸爸说：「是啊，儿子，非常花钱。」儿子又问：「要花多少钱呢？」爸爸说：「我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！」

“Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?” “No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it.”

“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”

“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”

“I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”

“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”

“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”

TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？

约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question---if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”

“I'll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。

“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

A man was going to the house of some rich person.As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road.He said, “I do not want to eat those apples;for the rich man will give me much food;he will give me very nice food to eat.” Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.He went on and came to a river.The river had become very big;so he could not go over it.He waited for some time;then he said, “I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river.” He began to go home.He had eaten no food that day.He began to want food.He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.Do not throw good things away;you may be glad to have them at some other time.【译文】 一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去，当他沿着路走时，在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说：“我不打算吃那些苹果，因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。”然后他拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了，因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说：“今天我去不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。” 他开始回家，那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “ there's only ONE policeman!”

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，„醉‟字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸，”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.” “That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”

安眠药

鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。

星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”

第二篇：英文幽默小故事12则

英文幽默小故事12则

How do you know that? Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?

Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle;at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle;and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

Thief: Oh, now and then.Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

Thief: Oh, here and there.Judge: Right.Lock him up, officer.Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.Chief is at the wedding A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.“But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.“I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But ,officer, I ….”

“I said to keep quiet!You are going to jail!”

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Are you sure?” answered the man in the cell.“I'm the groom.”

Why he couldn't leave? There was a meeting with a large number of people.At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring.Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.The speaker walked up to the man and said, “Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room.”

“Oh!Don't mention it!” replied the man, “I cannot leave because I am the next speaker.”

A burglar 入室盗窃者

A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.“You will get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.“No, no, no.” said the man.“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.I've been trying to do that for years.”

One more cake The old lady was delighted with the gift the boy had brought her.“I'll go round and see your mother tomorrow,” she said, “And I'll thank for this lovely pie.”

“Um, if you don't mind,” the boy said nervously, “could you thank her for two pies?”

Make Your Own Bed Farmer: If you want to spend the night here, you'll have to make your own bed.Traveling salesman: That's perfectly all right.Farmer: Here's a hammer and saw.Good night.What does DC stand for? What does DC stand for?

An American teacher asked one of her pupils, “What's the nation's capital?”

The reply was “Washington DC”

On being asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupils all answered：

“Dot com!”

A poor poet 一名可怜的诗人

Poet: I hope you've received the little volume of poems I sent you.Woman: Oh, yes.It's very nice.I wonder where I've put it?

Her son: It's under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.A Second Language 第二语言

A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog.When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.Turning to her kittens, the cat said, “You see how important it is to know a second language.”

Accountant An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.“Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep? ”

“That's the problem.I make a mistake and spend three hours trying to find it.”

This is my seat It was a woman's first time on a plane.She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.She ignored him and told him to go away.“Okay,” replied the man.“If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane.”

第三篇：螃蟹和妈妈英文幽默故事

“My child,” said a Crab to her son, “why do you walk so awkward? If you wish to make a good appearance, you should go straight forward, and not to one side as you do so constantly.”

“I do wish to make a good appearance, Mamma” said the young Crab;“and if you will show me how, I will try to walk straight forward.“

”Why, this is the way, of course,“ said the mother, as she started off to the right, ”No, this is the way,“ said she, as she made another attempt, to the left.The little Crab smiled.”When you learn to do it yourself, you can teach me," he said, and he went back to his play.“我的孩子，”螃蟹妈妈对儿子说，“你怎么走起路来这么难看呢?要想看起来像模像样,你就应该径直朝前走，而不是像你一样总是朝一边走。”

“我真希望能像模像样,妈妈.”小螃蟹说，”如果你能教我怎么做，我就会努力之朝前走.”

“哎呀，当然了，就是这样!”妈妈说着，一边就开始朝右边走。

“不，是这样的啦!”她说，一边又朝左边来。

螃蟹笑了，说：“等你自己学会了再来教我吧!”然后，他就回去玩了。

第四篇：英文幽默

英文幽默：爆笑学英语

1：某次英文考试有两道题目：

（1）我穿上外套，却发现第一个扣子掉了。（2）他听见电话铃响，就过去接了电话。正确答案应为：

（1）I put on my coat and found its first button was gone.（2）As soon as he heard the phone ringing, he went to pick it up.但是某生的答案是：

（1）Shit!（2）Hello? 2：老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”

小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊!3：某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我他妈还是方片七呢！

江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道：“Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful.“翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文：

“Where? Where?

外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底：“Everywhere,everywhere.“翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。

翻译赶紧翻成英文：“You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see.“

4：话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。

A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道：「I AM 后羿！」 B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM 丘比特！」

轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」

5：一对热恋中的男女。女生非常没有安全感，于是对着男友说：“SAY „I LOVE YOU！‟SAY IT!SAY IT!SAY IT!” 男的答道：“IT!”

6：一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。他不放心的问道:turn left？监考官回答: right.于是他立刻向右转……

7：某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry.老外应道：I am sorry too.某人听后又道：I am sorry three.老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.8：某男，亦粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是：Sex，该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week”。

签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.” 该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female”，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?”男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.9：上初一的时候，英语老师让我们读课文，恰好是一段对话，于是叫了一男一女两个同学来读。

男：What time is it now? 女：It’s nine.男：Let’s go to bed.女：We go to bed at nine.全班绝倒。

10：一次为一个初中小孩搞家教，在其英语课本上发现如下恐怖字眼：爸死（bus）爷死(yes)哥死（girls）妹死（Mis）……死光（school）

第五篇：适合高一的英文幽默故事

1、一个女生前一天晚上得到男朋友的订婚戒指,但竟没有一个同学注意到,令她忿忿不平.到下午大家坐着谈天的时候,她突然站起来大声说：“哎呀,这里真热呀,我看我还是把戒指脱下来吧.”

1.the night before, a girl get boyfriend engagement ring, but no one noticed the classmate, make her antics.You sit and chat in the afternoon, she suddenly stood up and shouted: “oh, it's really hot in here, I think I'd better take off your ring.2、女主人把女佣叫到面前问她：“你是否怀孕了?”

“是啊!”女佣回道.“亏你还说得出口,你还没有结婚,难道不觉得害羞吗?”女主人再次训.“我为什么要害羞,女主人你自己不也怀孕了吗?” “可是我怀的是我丈夫的!”女主人生气地反驳.“我也是啊!”女佣高兴地附和.2, the mistress called the maid to ask her: ”are you pregnant?“ ”Yes!“ The maid answered.Export ”kui you still say, you are not married, don't you feel shy?“ The hostess training again.”Why should I be shy, you don't the hostess also pregnant?“ ”But I conceive is my husband!“ The hostess retorted angrily.”Me too!“ The maid happy to echo.3、一个人骑摩托车喜欢反穿衣服,就是把口子在后面扣上,可以挡风.一天他酒后驾驶, 翻了,一头栽在路旁.警察赶到：

警察甲：好严重的车祸.警察乙：是啊,脑袋都撞到后面去了.警察甲：嗯,还有呼吸,我们帮他把头转回来吧.警察乙：好.一、二使劲,转回来了.警察甲：嗯,没有呼吸了.3, a man riding a motorcycle like the dress, is to cut on the back, can the wind.Drunk driving one day, he turned over, a planted on the road.Police: police a: a good serious car accident.Policeman b: yes, his head hit the back.Po1: well, still breathing, let's help him turn his head back.Po2: good...One, two, turn back.Policeman a: well, not breathing...4、在一条七拐八拐的乡村公路上,因为时常发生车祸,所以常常有一些鬼故事发生,有一天晚上,有一个出租车司机看见路边有一个长发披肩,身着白衣的女人向他招手,因为这个司机没有见过鬼,所以大胆的停下来让她上车了,这一路上,司机虽然不信有鬼,心里也毛毛的,所以时常从后视镜看后面的女人,开着开着,突然司机发现那个女人不见了!司机吓了一大跳,赶紧踩了一个刹车!只见那个女人满脸是血,表情狰狞.司机吓的牙直打颤.突然那女人开口了：“你会不会开车啊!我低头系个鞋带你突然一刹车我把鼻子都撞破了……”

4, turn in a curvy country road, because often in a car accident, so often have some ghost story, one night, there's a taxi driver saw the side of the road have a long hair shawls, dressed in a white woman waved to him, because the driver didn't see a ghost, so bold stopped to let her get on the bus, along the way, the driver doesn't believe in ghosts, the in the mind also maomao, so often the woman behind the rearview mirror to see, open open, the driver found the woman suddenly disappeared!The driver startled, hurriedly stepped on a brake!I saw the woman face is blood, grim expression.The driver frighten of teeth chatter.Suddenly the woman spoke: ”would you drive!I bow to fasten shoelaces are you smashed through a sudden brake my nose...“

5、一个病人去看病,医生检查了他,皱着眉头说：“您病得太严重了,恐怕不会活多久了.” 病人：“求您告诉我我还能活多久?” 医生：“十……” 病人着急地问：“十什么?十年?十个月?十天?” 医生：“十,九,八,七,六,五……”

5, a patient to see a doctor, the doctor examined him, frowning said: ”you too serious ill, I'm afraid I won't live much longer.“ Patient: ”please tell me how long will I live?“ Doctor: ”ten...“ Patient anxiously asked: ”what? Ten years? Ten months? Ten days?“ Doctor: ”ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...“

6、老师：“你能说一些18世纪科学家共同特点吗?”

学生：“能,他们都死了.”

6, teacher: ”can you say some 18 th-century scientists common characteristics?“ Student: ”yes, they are all dead.“

7、犀粪蜣和蚊子谈恋爱,蜣问蚊子是做什么工作的,蚊子说：“护士,打针的.”蜣一拍大腿：“缘分呐,我是中药局搓药丸的…”

7.rhino poop Qiang and mosquito fall in love, Qiang asked a mosquito is to do what work, the mosquito said: ”nurse, give or take an injection.“ Qiang a clap a thigh: ”the fate, I am a traditional Chinese medicine bureau rub pills...“

8、一非洲人住在某一宾馆.夜半,起火,不明原因.非洲人见状顾不了那么许多,光着身子就跑出去了.消防员见状惊呼：“我的妈呀!都烧的糊了吧区的了还能跑那么快!”

8, the africans live in a hotel.In the midnight, a fire, unknown reason.Before rushing so many africans, naked and ran out.Firefighters said exclaimed: ”my mama ah!All paste the burned area can run so fast!“

9、一个人想出国考察,但必须得到老总批准.于是他向老总请示,老总给了他一张字条,上面写着：“Go ahead”.那人想：“Go ahead=前进,老总是批准了.”于是他开始打点行李.一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊?”他说：“我准备出国考察,老总批准了,给我写了„Go ahead‟.” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准!咱老总的英语水平你还不知道,他这是在说去个头!”

9, a person wants to go abroad, but it must be approved by boss.So he to the manager for instructions, the boss gave him a note, it read: ”Go ahead“.The man thought, ”Go ahead = progress, boss is approved.“ So he started to packing.A colleague to see he asked: ”what are you doing?“ He said: ”I'm ready to Go abroad investigation, boss approved, wrote me 'Go ahead'.“ Colleague of joy at the sight of article: ”let's boss haven't approved!Our boss English don't you know, he is said to head!“

10、牧师对买了他马和马车的农夫说：“这匹马只能听懂教会的语言,叫”感谢上帝“它就跑;叫”赞美上帝“它才停下.”农夫将信将疑,他试着喊了一声感谢上帝,那匹马立刻飞奔起来,越跑越快.一只跑到悬崖边上惊恐的农夫才想起让它停下来的口令“赞美上帝”.果然,马停下来了.死里逃生的农夫长出一口气：“感谢上帝………”

10, priests to buy his horse and carriage of the farmer said, ”this horse can only understand the language of the church, call“ thank god ”it ran;called“ praise god ”it didn't stop.“ Farmer track, he tried to thank god gave a cry, the horse gallop, immediately ran faster and faster.A run to the edge of the cliff frightened farmer remembered that let it stop password ”praise god“.Sure enough, the horse stopped.Close the farmer grows a sigh: ”thank god."